It is difficult to deal with alcoholism in a marriage. You may feel like you have lost the person you married and turn them back, while the one in front of you every day is a cantankerous stranger you barely recognize. Your husband could be an alcoholic if he has problems at home, at work or at school due to alcohol, if he drinks in dangerous situations (for example before driving), if he has been injured or has injured someone else under the alcohol effect, if he has tried to quit but failed or if he makes excuses and tells lies about his addiction. While it is not easy to have an alcoholic husband, you can help and encourage him to undergo treatment.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Handling the Situation When Drunk
Step 1. Report abuse
In some cases, alcoholics can become violent, because alcohol is often linked to violence. If your husband hits you, threatens you, or hurts you in any way, escape to safety and report the abuse. Don't protect it by keeping it a secret. Tell your parents, sister, neighbor, friend, or spiritual mentor what happened. Make sure you prioritize your safety. You can get help by calling a domestic violence hotline.
- Italy: call the anti-violence number dedicated to women (Telefono Rosa) at 1522.
- United Kingdom: Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.
- United States: Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
- World: Visit https://www.hotpeachpages.net/ and you will find the list of emergency lines and crisis centers around the world.
Step 2. Approach him in a non-threatening way
Use a calm tone of voice and speak to him without using rude or offensive terms. For example, don't tell him he's a "drunkard" or an alcoholic, don't argue with him, and rather change the subject calmly and assertively.
- If he starts to get angry or wants to argue, calmly answer that this is not the right time and that you will talk about it later.
- Avoid arguing with him at all costs. He might get his hands on you. Don't react in anger, no matter how difficult it is.
Step 3. Offer him soft drinks and food
Instead of trying to keep him away from alcohol, try to direct him to other foods and drinks. Encourage him to eat or hydrate himself with water. Distract him this way, so that he is less focused on alcohol.
When he asks for alcohol, distract him with a fizzy drink
Step 4. Find a compromise
If he insists on doing something or going somewhere, negotiate with him. It's not worth arguing, because he doesn't think, but you need to avoid making him even more agitated. Find something that makes him feel happy without making you unhappy.
- If he wants to eat ice cream but you don't have it at home, offer him another dessert.
- If he wants to go outside and it is raining outside, explain to him firmly that it is raining a lot and that perhaps he could take an umbrella or take shelter under a windowsill.
Step 5. Set limits
If your husband's alcoholism affects you negatively, set rules that he must abide by. Make it clear that when he is drunk you will not talk about your relationship and you will not try to solve problems.
- Tell him he can't drink at home or when the kids are around. You can decide not to stay with him when he drinks or refuse to fight.
- Choose the limits according to your needs, then communicate them to your husband and make sure he understands them.
Step 6. Make an escape plan
If your husband is drunk, has an aggressive attitude and you fear for your safety, you need to be ready to run away. Ask a friend or relative if you can call him even late at night and stay with him safe. If you are afraid of driving away, ask the person you trust to pick you up. Make it clear to your husband that you are looking for a safe place for the night and that you will return the following day.
If your husband gets angry, tell him you will talk in the future. At the moment, you prioritize your safety
Part 2 of 4: Discuss Alcoholism with Your Husband
Step 1. Remember that it is normal to feel uncomfortable
It is probably not pleasant to talk about the alcohol problem with your husband. Don't let fear and annoyance keep you from saying what you must. Remember that your current situation also doesn't make you feel comfortable.
Accept that discussing your husband's alcoholism will always be unpleasant. Take heart and start the conversation
Step 2. Choose the right time to speak
Don't try to hold this conversation when he's drinking or about to. Instead, find an occasion when you are both sober. You have to dedicate the time you need to dialogue and not be in a hurry.
- Don't try to talk about alcoholism when you are angry or upset. If you get frustrated when opening a can of beer, now is not the time to start the discussion.
- Wait for both of you to be calm and neutral before you start talking. also choose a time when you are not busy rushing.
Step 3. Show compassion and don't judge
While it can be much easier to make room for judgment, anger, and disappointment, try to be compassionate. You don't have to punish your husband, but ask him for help so that he can improve himself and your family. Communicate your love, concern, and support to him.
Step 4. Explain to him how his drinking problem affects you
You may feel that you are overshadowing the bottle when addressing her in moments of weakness instead of talking to you. You may feel like you can't compete with your husband's relationship with alcohol. Even if your husband supports your family financially, tell him that you don't think he contributes as much emotionally or practically. If you notice that you are having a hard time finding an emotional connection, don't hesitate to say so.
- Express your feelings and disappointments truthfully.
- Explain how the alcohol problem affects not only you, but also other people, such as children, relatives or friends.
Step 5. Don't blame him
Instead of blaming your husband for his problem, communicate your feelings. Stay focused on yourself and your emotions, not on him. Instead of saying "When you drink you are distant and detached", you can try "When I feel so distant I am not well and I miss the bond we shared".
Instead of saying "You never spend any time with children", try "I struggle to give children the attention they need on my own and would like your help."
Step 6. Ask your husband for treatment
Let him know that you love him, that you support him, that you want to see him happy and healthy. Ask him for treatment for his alcoholism. You can explain to him that it is difficult to stop drinking alone and that treatments will both help solve the problem. Treatments, among their various benefits, help address the psychological problems and addiction that interfere with a happy and fulfilling life.
- You may want to do some research before discussing various treatment options with your husband. Call the local ASL and ask what programs are available. Seek advice from a counselor and learn about programs outside and inside communities so that you are prepared when you talk to your husband.
- You can arrange a formal intervention by asking friends, family, and other people who love your husband to attend. You can seek support from an intervention professional if needed. However, be careful, as an intervention can anger your husband or put him on the defensive.
Step 7. Don't create an action plan right away
You probably want to be told that he will stop drinking, that he will no longer repeat his negative actions, and that he wants to change. He may be sincere or try to escape from an unpleasant conversation. Think of a plan after both of you have had a chance to process the above and reflect.
After your first conversation, set up an opportunity to deepen the conversation once you've both had time to reflect. You can meet again and decide what to do as a couple, for example to eliminate all alcohol from home
Part 3 of 4: Dealing with a Husband Who Denies the Existence of a Problem
Step 1. Don't expect things to change overnight
If you are angry after trying to talk to your husband to no avail, don't be discouraged. See your words, actions, and support as steps towards your husband's acceptance of the problem and rehabilitation. However, remember that you cannot control his actions and that ultimately he alone is responsible for his own decisions.
Step 2. Don't give in to denial
Many alcoholics (particularly those who are well integrated into society) make dozens of excuses for their behavior, claiming they don't have a problem. Instead of trying to fight denial with rationality, talk to your husband with compassion, explaining your concerns to him.
If he denies that he has a problem, gently point out that he does not sleep well at night for you or the children, that he is aggressive, mean, or exhibits other negative behaviors that result from alcohol abuse
Step 3. Explain that alcohol abuse is creating a gap between you
If your husband continues to drink even though he knows it is making you sick, tell him that alcohol is negatively affecting your relationship. His relationship with alcohol prevents you from having one with him. If you express this clearly, you may come to convince him that there is a problem.
Step 4. Create your own support network
Make sure you take care of yourself. Find people to talk to and support you. Don't keep your husband's alcoholism a secret; be sure to talk about your difficulties with at least one person. Emotional support is important when dealing with life's challenges.
Talk to parents, siblings, friends, or in-laws. Don't just focus on alcoholism, but be sure to discuss all your problems with someone
Step 5. Consider whether continuing the marriage is the best decision
If your husband refuses outside help and you have serious doubts that things will improve in the future, you should ask yourself if staying with him is the right choice. If you feel like you're married more to alcohol than to a man, it's time to reevaluate your situation. You must consider the quality of your life, your safety and that of your children when deciding what to do and ask yourself "What is the choice that allows me to respect myself and my family more?".
If your husband abuses you, prioritize your safety. You deserve to always be treated with respect and abusers rarely stop, indeed they often become a recurring problem
Part 4 of 4: Consider the Possibilities for Rehabilitation
Step 1. Don't drink when you are with your husband
If I did, it would be much more difficult for him to stop. Absolutely avoid drinking alcohol when he is around. Attend non-drinking social events together, and also ask friends and family not to serve alcoholic beverages.
You may need to change your habits or your company. Instead of going to a wine shop with friends to enjoy a bottle of wine, organize movie nights or evenings dedicated to board games. Engage in activities where alcohol is not usually served
Step 2. Ask your husband to try attending local support groups
Groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) exist to help people who have problems with alcohol. In these groups, the importance of helping older members to newcomers, who mentor and offer their advice, is strongly emphasized. Visit https://www.aa.org to check if there is a center in your area.
Step 3. Attend a family support group firsthand
You probably know better than anyone how difficult it is to live with an alcoholic husband. It is hard to feel like you are running your home and family on your own, without the help of your spouse. Sharing your frustrations with other people who know exactly how you feel can be a relief. Other group members can also give you support and advice on how to cope with your situation, for example by telling you how they have overcome the most difficult times.
Al-Anon (https://al-anon.org/) is a nationally recognized support group (in the United States) that offers support to people with an alcoholic relative
Step 4. Consider attending therapy sessions together
If your husband is reluctant to see a psychologist, tell him that therapy can be good for both of you or that you can talk to a family psychologist together. A professional can help with treatment and rehabilitation, as well as offer support to both of you during the process. Ask for a reference to the ASL or your doctor.
You may want to seek a psychologist who specializes in addiction or alcoholism. Therapy can lead your husband to resolve the underlying cause of the addiction, cope with stress more positively, and may involve the use of medication
Step 5. Ask him to visit a rehabilitation center
These centers are very useful for those suffering from severe alcoholism or if the problem with alcohol is concomitant with a psychiatric (such as depression or anxiety) or doctor. There are programs that include hospitalization and others that you can follow as an outpatient.
Choose the level of care that is most appropriate for your husband and family. If you have experienced severe trauma, are under extreme stress, or have a psychiatric illness, an inpatient rehabilitation program is probably more suitable than weekly therapy
Step 6. Prepare him for relapses
Create a plan to manage the possibility of a relapse. People with alcohol problems often succumb to temptation and drink again during rehab. Agree with your husband and his recovery team on a plan to follow in those cases.
You could take him home if he is drinking somewhere, call the psychologist or his mentor
Step 7. Support your husband
If she follows the rehabilitation process and makes progress, mark each step forward. If you notice that he is working hard, praise him. Notice all the positive things he does and make sure he understands that you see his good work.
