Leaving your husband will change your life your life. There are several factors to consider, especially if there are also children involved. If you are trying to make this difficult decision, it is important to know that you are not alone: even in Italy an increasing percentage of marriages end in divorce. It is not a choice to be faced lightly, it is important to consider your current condition and your future financial situation before taking action. However, if you are sure of your intentions, it is important to know which direction to proceed in order to move towards complete autonomy, both emotionally and financially. If you want to know how to break up with your husband, read on.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Make a Decision
Step 1. Find out if it's really time to end your marriage
Deciding to end your marriage is one of the hardest and most challenging choices you will make in your life, so it's important to be 100% sure that everything is really over between you and your husband before proceeding with the successful transition. If you are reading this page it is possible that you have already made a choice, but here are some of the reasons why your marriage could really be over:
- You are already de facto single. That is, you and your husband have different friends, different interests, you don't spend more time together and you don't know what happens in each other's life.
- Your husband no longer feels like trying to fix things. If you have discussed the problems of your marriage countless times, your husband promised to change and never did, or simply refused to do so, it may be time to leave him.
- You are in an abusive relationship. Get out. There is no valid reason to remain in an abusive relationship or to prolong your suffering. If your marriage is based on violence, whether physical or verbal, it's best to leave as soon as possible and think about the rest once you're safe.
- You or your spouse, or both, have been repeatedly unfaithful. It's different if one of you had a flirt and made a commitment to never do it again, but if cheating and flirting are a constant in your relationship, it may be impossible to fix things.
- You no longer feel part of a team. If you have stopped making decisions together, communicating or compromising, it may be time to leave.
- You can't agree on whether or not to have children. If you're dying to have a baby but your husband refuses (or vice versa), continuing the relationship may not make sense, as you can't agree on such an important issue.
- Make sure you make this decision with a fresh mind. Don't decide to leave your husband in the heat of the moment, but after taking the time to think about it.
- Make sure you've done everything to save your marriage. If you have tried couples therapy and have had long conversations with your husband about it, or if both of you have tried to change but in vain, it may be time to leave. However, if you have been feeling unsatisfied for a while but your husband doesn't realize it, you might want to try talking to him first.
Step 2. Consider talking about it honestly
The next steps can help you plan a way to leave your husband in secret by letting him know only when you are already gone. Doing so can be helpful in case you are unsure of your husband's reaction or think it would prevent you from leaving. However, if you are both open to dialogue, he is an available type and you have always been honest with each other, you might first try to talk to him about it to try to resolve things.
- You may be surprised at how many of your feelings your husband shares, or what he is willing to do to keep you from getting lost.
- It doesn't mean you need to be convinced to stay. But if you're in doubt and think things might still work out, talking to him could make a big difference.
Step 3. Keep your decision secret
It is difficult, but necessary in many ways. Ending a wedding is a difficult choice: staying calm will allow you time to prepare, before actually leaving. Trust only a few close friends who can support you in your decision. Share your thoughts with people who can help and support you, not those who would blurt everything out.
- If you don't want to talk to your husband about it and want to get away from a bad situation, it's best to keep the news to yourself so that you have time to plan the details. If your husband learns of your intentions and doesn't want you to leave, he may try to get in your way or make it difficult for you to complete the project.
- It might sound dishonest, but your goal is to walk away with the best possible financial situation. Your husband better not intrude.
- It's hard not to take action once you've made a decision, but planning an exit strategy that allows you to maintain a good financial balance could take anywhere from two to six months. Even if you are ready to leave at any moment, it is best to organize yourself economically before taking final action, in order to avoid unpleasant long-term consequences.
Part 2 of 3: Making a Plan
Step 1. Create a separate bank account
Opening a current account is particularly difficult for stay-at-home moms who do not have an independent source of income, but saving some money will help you to move forward with a more stable financial position. Creating a segregated account, even if you don't have a lot of money to deposit, can help you get off to a good start. Organizing your finances will help you when you finally leave your husband.
Withdrawing money from a mutual account is the last step to make before leaving
Step 2. Find a place to live
If you leave the house you live in with your husband, it is important to find a new home. In some cases it can be helpful to live with other people for some time but, in the long run, it will be necessary to find accommodation that you can afford. Choosing a new home will bring with it other questions, even more important: if you don't have children, it might be relatively easier to move to the other side of the country to be closer to your family. Maybe you want to try something new and live in a different climate. Whatever your goal, having a plan and a place to stay temporarily or even renting a new home can bring you closer to your goal.
If you and your husband are on the same wavelength as regards divorce and are comfortable talking about it, you could argue about who will be leaving the house you share. If there are children involved, this question becomes even more important
Step 3. Collect all your documents
During the course of a marriage, several important documents accumulate, such as those relating to the mortgage, cars and pension. Make sure you have a copy of these documents as joint ownership could be a problem in the event of a divorce.
- If you find that you need a lot of documents, be sure to make a copy of everything you need, in case you need them one day. Better to proceed with lead feet when it comes to important documents.
- If you choose to make copies of all documents, you may want to hire a professional to copy the files on your computer hard drive and take photos of your valuable properties. It may help you in the future, in case some of the money is "lost" during negotiations.
Step 4. Think about your children's future, if you have any
If you and your husband have children, it's important to understand what's best for them. Do you think your husband is a great (or at least decent) father and will be present in his children's lives, or do you have reason to believe that your children should have nothing to do with him? It will be one of the most challenging decisions you will have to make in this situation.
- Remember that you can't stop your children from dating your husband just because you never want to see him again. There must be compelling reasons (such as alcohol abuse) to keep him away from his children.
- You should make this decision with a fresh mind, as it will determine different aspects of your life, such as where you are going to live and the future of your children.
Step 5. Contact a divorce attorney
A divorce is expensive and time-consuming, so it may be advisable to seek out someone who offers you a price you can afford, especially if you have reason to believe that the proceedings are going to take a long time. While you may be tempted to save and decide to handle everything yourself, the right lawyer can really help you make the process easier and less painful. You certainly don't want to end up in an impossible-to-fix financial disaster, just because you preferred not to pay a lawyer.
If you really can't afford a lawyer, you might want to consider going to a family mediation service
Step 6. Start planning your post-divorce budget
If you do very well financially, you already have an added advantage, however the budget you will have after leaving your husband is an important point to consider. You need to ask yourself the right questions before you leave, so you won't be unprepared when the time comes. Several studies show that many women face a decrease of about a quarter or even a third of their standard of living following a divorce. But don't be discouraged! If you prepare yourself right, you will be able to cope with this situation. Here are some points to think about:
- What kind of expenses will you have to face?
- What can you save on?
- How much more will you spend on your children, if you have any?
- How can you get the income you need?
Step 7. Don't depend on food
Alimony for you and your children will certainly be part of your future finances, but in today's world it cannot be taken for granted. If you are certain that your ex-husband will pay regularly, things change, but it is better to ask yourself if you can really rely on him.
The situation becomes even more difficult if you have the higher salary of the two, because then you will have to pay the alimony
Step 8. Try to increase your earnings
After you have an idea of the budget you will need to live, you can reflect on whether or not you will need to increase your earnings to support it. If you have a well-paid job and a lot of savings, you are already half the battle, but in case you find yourself a job because you have been unemployed for a long time, or you need to look for a better-paying job, you should start moving right away. this direction. It certainly doesn't mean you need to become a business manager, but you can make a few small decisions right away that will help you improve your earnings before you leave your husband. Here are some tips to follow:
- Take a course that helps you acquire the skills you need to find the job you want, whether it's honing your computer skills or getting specialized certification.
- Buy an interview suit or dress to be ready when the time comes.
- Fix your resume. You don't have to start sending it before you leave your husband, but you need to have it ready for when you need it. By the time you are gone, it is possible that you feel overwhelmed by the situation and that you don't have the time or strength to deal with the resume.
Part 3 of 3: Say Goodbye
Step 1. Pack your bags
You can start with the smallest, least noticeable items, or do it all in one day. You need to determine which is the safest and most suitable approach for your situation. If you are concerned that your husband will become violent or threatening, pack when he is not at home. It would be even better to ask for the help of friends and family to ensure your safety and protection.
It might help to pack when your husband is at work. Even if he agrees with your decision, packing when he is present could be more painful
Step 2. Leave
You may have already warned your husband of your intentions or it may come as a complete surprise. Even if you know you've made the right decision, this last step may be the most emotionally difficult. Of course, every situation is different. If you and your husband have been talking about it for a long time, the shock may also be minor. If, on the other hand, you find yourself in a situation of danger and abuse, leaving suddenly is the best decision you can make.
Whatever the reason you leave it, it's up to you to decide what is the best way to proceed, whether it's an honest conversation or leaving without even leaving a note
Step 3. Seek as much emotional support as possible
This is not a good time to address your worries alone. After you leave your husband, you should lean as much as possible on your family, friends or even a therapist. It is one of the most difficult things you will have to do in your life, but the pain will be more bearable if you have the support and love of the people who love you on your side. Asking for help is not a shame.
- While it's important to take some time to be alone with your feelings, it's just as important to hang out, be with your friends, and distract yourself with long chats.
- Don't be afraid to call old friends for their support or just to chat. They will understand that you are going through a really difficult time and will give you the help you need.
- Unfortunately, not everyone may agree with your decision and there is always the risk of losing the support of some friend or family member. Do not let this hinder your decision and know that, thanks to your choice, you could make new and more satisfying friendships.
Step 4. Find your balance
It won't be an instant process. You will need to find new stability, both emotionally and financially. It may take years before you feel independent and in full control of your life again. The important thing is to know that you are on the road to recovery and that your decision will lead you, in the long run, to be happier, even if at the moment you may doubt it. When you have recovered, you can be proud of yourself for choosing to leave your husband and for being strong in your beliefs.
While women's financial situations tend to worsen following a divorce, that's not a good reason not to try something new, to try to improve your career, or to discover exciting new things that you never had. it was possible to experiment in the course of marriage. After some time, you will not only feel that you have recovered, but you will realize that you have become a stronger, wiser and more fulfilled person
Advice
- Should you find yourself temporarily living with other people, it may be best to keep your property in a safe. Especially in large cities it is possible to find several companies offering services of this type, with flexible rates and rental possibilities.
- If you have children, try to minimize the seriousness of the situation. Moving from a family to a single-parent home can be difficult; try to get them to talk openly about their feelings.
Warnings
- Don't stay in a violent home environment. In all cities, there are organizations that can help women and children to safely escape dangerous situations. They can also help you find a job and a home, but also offer you clothes and furniture to help you start over.
- Never be violent with your spouse. The legal consequences won't help your divorce. Stay calm at all costs.
- Don't destroy your husband's property. It may force you to pay the damages or sue you.
- Never fight in front of your children.
- If possible, do not get involved in another relationship before you have started the separation and divorce process.
