Getting in touch with family members whose traces have been lost for some time can be a frightening and at the same time exhilarating experience, especially when it comes to a half-brother or a half-sister you've never met. Regardless of the specific circumstances, this can be a tricky situation to manage. To establish contact, you must act very tactfully, think carefully about the variables of the situation, decide which is the most appropriate method, and know how to deal with a possible negative outcome and the emotions that follow.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Assess the Circumstances
Step 1. Ask yourself what your reasons are
Getting in touch with long-lost relatives can be an exciting experience with an unpredictable result. Before trying, it is important to clarify the reasons that push you to do so.
- Do you just want me to know that you exist? Do you have an incurable disease and want to say goodbye? Do you have no other family members or do you lack a good support network? Your grandfather recently passed away and did that pique your interest? Think thoroughly about your motivations before taking action.
- Always keep in mind that the story may have been hidden for a long time, and you may find the door locked!
Step 2. Evaluate the potential negative consequences
It can also be helpful to imagine how your stepbrother might react. You obviously don't know him, but perhaps reexamining your reasons for being separated can help you predict how a meeting might go.
- For example, if you were born into an extramarital affair withheld from a married man, introducing yourself to your stepbrother can cause him to discover his father's betrayal.
- If your stepbrother comes from a wealthy family it is possible that he doesn't trust your motives, and that he believes you wanted to meet him just to get something in return.
- Furthermore, if the half-brother is young and the mutual parent is still married, discovering that there was a betrayal in his parents' marriage could upset him.
Step 3. If possible, get advice from your parents
If at least one of them is alive and present in your life, it can help you make a decision. He may not approve of your desire to contact his stepbrother, or he may tell you something about your relatives that has never been revealed to you before.
- Address the topic at a time when everyone is relaxed and there are no distractions. You can start by saying “Mom / Dad, I've been thinking a lot about my stepbrother lately. Growing up I want to know him more and more. What do you think about it?"
- Be prepared for the possibility that even your father and mother do not want to talk about the subject.
Method 2 of 3: Choose the Contact Method
Step 1. Ask your parents for help
In addition to asking their opinion on the matter, you can also get help in getting in touch with the stepbrother. Talk to the parent in common. Ask your father or mother if they are willing to help you.
You can say, “I would really like to meet my stepbrother. Would you help me find him and / or get in touch with him?"
Step 2. Find an intermediary
If you and your stepbrother live in the same city or area, or if you have some common knowledge, having an ally on your side can be very helpful. Ask a relative or friend of the family to act as an intermediary.
- This person can help your stepbrother manage the impact of the news when he learns of your existence. In addition, it can support you in case the result is contrary to your expectations.
- Ask the broker to contact your stepbrother on your behalf. You can say: "Would you mind contacting Enrico on my own? If he is interested I would be very happy to talk to him. This is my number…".
Step 3. Send a message on social media
Thanks to the Internet, the world has become much smaller, and people living on the other side of the planet are reachable with one click. If you can find your stepbrother on Facebook you could send him a friend request to establish contact.
The first conversation should be short. You can say, "Hi, I went to Sapienza too! We might have some friendships in common."
Step 4. Send an email
If you know your stepbrother's full name, you may be able to trace their personal or work email address. Often email addresses are also connected to social media profiles, so you may find this information there.
- Sending an email is a more formal way to contact a stepbrother. Since this medium allows you to write a longer message without appearing inappropriate, you can introduce yourself in a more extensive way and explain the circumstances that bind you.
- When you write the email, remember that he doesn't know about your existence. Write in a positive and enthusiastic tone, but don't assume he is interested in establishing a relationship with you. Explaining why you contact him is a good start, for example: "I know it can be surprising, but we have the same father. I have known this for years, but I was recently diagnosed with cancer and it made me want you. know".
Method 3 of 3: Addressing Possible Rejection
Step 1. Decide whether to insist or give up
The line between showing interest and being out of place is thin. It is therefore essential to manage this process with caution to avoid causing unnecessary emotional stress to yourself or your stepbrother. If you initially get no response, do you have to keep trying or give up?
- It may be a good idea to give it more than one attempt, as it is possible that previous messages or emails have not been received or have ended up in the spam folder. However, if after a few tries you still don't get a response, your stepbrother may not be interested in meeting you.
- Even if you seem interested at first, it is still possible that contact will be lost. Try not to give too much weight to an initial interest and you will avoid a big disappointment if he suddenly stops responding to messages and calls.
Step 2. Don't hide from your emotions, but don't take any rejection personally
You have bravely decided to contact a stepbrother who does not know about your existence. You didn't know how he would react but you took the initiative anyway. It is perfectly normal and acceptable for you to feel anger, pain, or disappointment, but don't let these feelings lower your self-esteem.
- Remember that your stepbrother doesn't really know you. His refusal is therefore linked to the fear or surprise he feels about your existence, and does not represent a negative judgment on you as a person.
- Think about loved ones who think you are important and who are important to you. And say to yourself, "By refusing to know me, he is the one who has lost us."
- Also, don't forget that even if it's not ready now, it may be in the future. Make sure he knows how to contact you and tell him the door is always open if he decides to take the first step later.
Step 3. Talk to a counselor or therapist
It's possible the rejection had a big impact, even knowing it wasn't about you as a person. Help from a professional at this stage can be the key to dealing with what happened and moving on with your life.
