How to Close a Relationship (with Pictures)

2024 Author: Samantha Chapman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 09:13

Neil Sedaka, in the famous single “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” (known in Italy as “Tu non lo sai”), claimed an absolute truth for many people: “It's hard to break up”. The decision to leave a relationship can be exhausting and complicated for both parties. However, if you think carefully about what is the right decision to make and if you end the relationship in a balanced, respectful and peaceful way, you can limit the pain and make the separation final.

Steps

Part 1 of 2: Make a Decision

Step 1. Avoid making a hasty decision

It is essential to decide in a calm state of mind and with a mind free from other thoughts. In this way, you can avoid making rash choices that you might regret or that could hurt the other person.

In a state of emotional upheaval, it is more difficult to manage difficulties and you risk making irrational choices

Step 2. Clarify why you want to break up

It is important to clarify the reasons that lead you to want to end your relationship. Only in this way will you be able to distinguish between the normal difficulties of a couple relationship and the more serious and unresolved problems.

Only you can determine which problems can be overcome and which ones for which there is no solution. For example, if your partner doesn't behave well around others or doesn't want to have children, it's unlikely that he will change. On the contrary, his inclination to contribute to the domestic economy is an aspect that can be worked on.
All couples argue, but if the discussions are frequent and unpleasant they could indicate your incompatibility, as well as the presence of more serious problems.
Normally, if a relationship hurts you physically and emotionally, the most obvious decision to make is to break it up.

Step 3. Write a list of pros and cons

List the reasons why you want to end your relationship. Don't forget to include the positives and negatives of both your partner and your relationship.

Seeing all the positive aspects of the relationship written on paper will allow you to focus attention on what makes you happy rather than on the negative feelings that accompany the mood of the moment.
Also, such a list will prevent you from ending a relationship based solely on the "feeling" that it is the right thing to do.
Remember that any kind of partner abuse is an objective motivation for ending the relationship.
As you look at the list and examine it carefully, ask yourself if this relationship is changing your life for better or for worse.

Step 4. Decide if the situation can change

If you only feel anger towards your partner, ask yourself if there is a way to change the dynamic of your relationship. Before making a decisive decision, you may want to try to resolve problems and avoid ending a relationship without considering other options. If you want to try to change reality, make sure that the other person is also willing to do it and is capable of it.

If the problem has already been addressed but without any improvement and if you continue to feel the object of dissatisfaction, pain or betrayal, the breakup may be the only way to end this mechanism

Step 5. Express your frustration

Before opting for a permanent breakup, communicate your frustrations and thoughts to your partner. Give him a chance to change the situation for the better. This way, even if you eventually decide to end your relationship anyway, the process will be less drastic and the blow less painful because you have already expressed what you think.

Often, holding onto feelings and frustrations causes people to explode or express their emotions inappropriately.
Try to calmly and respectfully explain everything that bothers you. Avoid raising your voice, attacking or accusing the other person.
If your partner has cheated on you or harmed you in some way, you may already have the elements you need to leave him for and for which it is not even worth expressing your frustration or giving a second chance.

Step 6. Set deadlines for certain changes to occur

It is better not to trigger that infinite mechanism according to which the hope that a change will occur in the partner is never satisfied. Establishing a time limit within which the partner must change will allow you to make a decision more easily in the long run.

You can decide whether or not to inform your partner of this time limit. With "ultimatums", such as "We can be together if you quit smoking within the next month", you will not get much because the other person will respect the agreements for a limited time and will soon return to old habits.
Make an effective ultimatum. In most cases, these gimmicks don't work. However, your relationship may need it to survive. For example, you might say, "To move forward, I need to see that you commit to quit smoking or that you drastically reduce the number of cigarettes." Intimating your partner to have a child with you, in addition to not getting the desired result, will cause his or her pain and guilt.
Some people take a long time to change deeply ingrained attitudes. For example, it may take a smoker months or years to be able to quit cigarettes. It is one thing to change because others want it, another to do it for yourself.

Step 7. Confide in someone you trust

If you can't clarify your feelings, talk to someone you can trust. This way you can analyze your feelings in detail and make your position clearer. Your confidant may even express his point of view towards your attitude and that of the other person.

This person can be a friend, family member, counselor, or doctor.
Make sure he doesn't betray your trust and doesn't discuss your problems with others. Also, you need to prevent this person from treating your partner differently.

Step 8. Make your judgment

After considering the internal dynamics of your relationship, after discussing it with your partner, and after giving your relationship possibly a second chance, you make a final decision on the fate of this story. In this way you can implement a separation based on respect and sincerity or commit to putting the pieces of your relationship back together starting from this moment.

Remember that your decision must be based on what's best for you and not what's best for someone else

Part 2 of 2: Closing the Relationship

Step 1. Decide when to tell your partner that you want to end your relationship

Ending a relationship and discussing the reasons for it in person is the best and most correct thing to do. Deciding to do it at the right time and in a quiet and reserved place will make this delicate operation easier, as well as limiting the risk of suffering unpleasant interruptions.

Try to find a moment on the weekend so that the other person has plenty of time to privately process the pain of the breakup without having to immediately deal with the outside world.
It is best to anticipate the nature of your meeting to your partner or spouse so that they are psychologically prepared and not feel taken aback. You could provide some clues like this: "I would like to discuss the state of our relationship calmly and peacefully."

Step 2. Choose a suitable place to tell your partner about the end of your relationship

It's best to have this conversation in private to avoid embarrassing both of you. Also make sure you choose a place that you can walk away from easily and avoid getting caught up in a long, winding conversation.

If you don't feel safe with your partner, try to engage in the conversation in a public place or ask someone to accompany you, as long as they can speak discreetly.
If you live together, separation can be particularly complicated and difficult. The decision to move immediately or after some time is up to you.
If you don't feel safe or are uncomfortable sharing the same home, make sure you have somewhere else to stay. You can take your things away when your partner is not at home, then communicate the desire for separation when your partner returns, or decide to end the relationship, leave with some of your belongings, then return to take the rest once calm is restored.

Step 3. Decide how you want to communicate the end of your relationship to your partner

Review the message you want to leave. Planning the conversation will help you control your emotionality and allow you to move in the right direction. Also, it will allow you not to hurt the other person beyond what is necessary.

In reality, the conversation you will have to have about your breakup could last much longer, especially if the other party is destroyed or utterly amazed by your decision. Many such conversations revolve around the same concepts over and over, so set an hourly limit.
Speak truthfully, but avoid mean or brutal expressions. You could reveal to the other person the reasons for the initial attraction or enhance its merits even if you are exposing the reasons that lead you to leave it.
An example sentence could be this: “Initially, your outgoing character and your kindness really won me over, but I fear that our goals are so different that we cannot proceed on the same path”.

Step 4. End a relationship in person

Although it is easier to end a relationship without having to look the other person in the eye, ending a couple relationship over the phone, by message or by email is a cold and incorrect gesture. Unless it is a long-distance relationship that prevents you from waiting for a future meeting or the other person poses a threat to you, you must have respect for your partner and your past history.

Closing a relationship in person will also allow the other to feel the seriousness of your intentions

Step 5. Maintain a composed and respectful attitude

Sit next to your partner and let them know about your decision to end your relationship. Tackle the subject with the utmost calm, politeness and with a resolute tone, in order to make the situation slightly less unpleasant and catastrophic.

Avoid insulting the other person and don't say things you might regret. Remember that these words can weigh on your conscience and hurt you in the long run. It would be better not to express concepts like this: “I think your personal hygiene is terrible and it makes me sick to be with you”. Rather, try to be tactful: "I think our lifestyle is so different that it doesn't make us compatible."
If you can, avoid letting yourself go to emotionality. This way, you will limit the sense of guilt and stay true to the decision made.
You might say, "I think you are a wonderful person whose many qualities will make someone happy, but who are not compatible with my idea of a relationship."

Step 6. Focus on the problems in your relationship, not your partner

Talk about what's wrong with your relationship, rather than listing the negative aspects of his character. Offending your partner means worsening an already devastating situation.

For example, instead of saying "You are clingy and insecure", try saying something similar: "I need independence and freedom in my relationships".
Also avoid focusing the reasons for the breakup on the partner. For example, saying "You deserve more" will allow the other person to believe that you are perfect together and that there is no reason to break up. Rather, say these words: “I feel like the paths of our life cannot meet. I want to make a career in the academic world and for this I will have to travel a lot and spend long periods in solitude”.

Step 7. Try to avoid creating false hopes

Some phrases and words can be interpreted in different ways and will allow the other person to have false hopes about the possibility of getting back together. Leaving a door open can only add to your suffering.

Expressions such as "we'll talk about it", "I want us to be friends" or "I want you in my life" allow the other person to hope for a happy ending, even if in your mind this is not the case.
You must gently communicate your intention to stop contacting from then on. You should explain to your partner that this is the only way to recovery.
If you want to maintain a friendship, set some rules. You may both realize that separation is the best solution for your relationship. However, make it clear what you expect from this friendship and what you need.

Step 8. Anticipate your partner's reactions

Be prepared to respond to his arguments, reactions, and outbursts. In this way, it will be easier to maintain the position taken and to limit the risk of any manipulation on his part. Get ready to:

Receive questions. Your partner may want to investigate the reason for your decision and know if they could have done something to avoid it. Answer his questions with the utmost sincerity.
Seeing the other person cry. The partner could be upset and manifest this state of mind. You can offer your comfort, but don't allow the other person to manipulate you and make you change your mind.
Discuss. Your partner may dispute all of your claims, as well as examine any examples you have reported to justify the decision made. Don't get drawn into an argument about unnecessary details that have nothing to do with the big picture. Tell the other person that arguing will not make you change your mind. When trying to argue, you can simply say, "I don't intend to take part in an argument, in fact I'll leave if you don't stop."
Listening to pleas or requests for compromise. Your partner may promise to change or behave differently to save your relationship. However, if it hasn't changed when you raised the issue in the past, it's too late to believe it really can.
Receive charges. Your partner may offend you and touch sore points to feel better. For example, if he addresses you with offensive expressions, just listen and go on your way. You could reply like this: "I understand that you are very angry with me, but I will not allow you to talk to me that way, so it is best to stop this conversation here." A threat of aggression or an intensification of tones are attitudes not to be underestimated. If this happens, walk away immediately.

Step 9. Take your distance

This is one of the most difficult - yet important - aspects of a breakup. Try to scale back contact with your ex and his friends to limit guilt or to avoid giving false hope.

If you have children, a complete detachment is unthinkable. Maintain a relationship as civil as possible and put your children's well-being first.
Deleting his phone number from your cell phone and his e-mail address from your computer are useful tools.
If you live together, leave the house asap. If you don't have the ability to permanently move somewhere else, find a place to keep your things and another place to reside. Continuing to have "things" in common can make the process even more difficult.
After some time, you may be able to build a friendship with your ex. In this case, set up rules to better manage both your relationship and any future relationship.

Advice

If you are certain that you want to end a romantic relationship, it is best not to wait and do it as soon as possible. However, if your partner has been having a difficult day, it is best to find a better time. Leaving someone who is already in the mood could make it more difficult for both of you.
Never say you want to end a relationship in the heat of an argument. If the relationship is already at an end, the situation will be no different once calm is found. Break up when you are both calm and can discuss peacefully. It is in this moment that you will have the opportunity to do it in the best way.