It is more complicated to end a relationship, when you live together: you have to decide who should leave and how to divide things. Furthermore, it may happen that partners are forced to prolong cohabitation until one of the two finds another place and this situation risks putting their emotional state to the test.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Talk
Step 1. First, sort out your thoughts
It is important to think carefully about the reasons why you are leaving your relationship. Even if the other person has realized it's time to break up, they probably still have a few questions that you need to answer. You need to explain to her why you want to end your story by expressing yourself clearly.
- Remember when you started to notice a worsening of the situation. What prompted you to think about ending your relationship?
- What is wrong from your point of view? Why do you think it can't be solved?
- Among the more concrete questions to ask yourself, consider: Are you still laughing together? Do you have the same goals? How is your sexual understanding? Can you communicate? How balanced is your relationship?
Step 2. Think about your financial situation
If you are about to leave your partner, of course you need to be able to support yourself. For example, if the other person leaves, you will have to take care of all the expenses related to the rent and bills of the house you currently live in. If you can't afford it, you might want to find another place.
- If you are the one leaving home, you should find some other accommodation before talking to your partner to prepare for the move.
- You will probably have to make some sacrifices before going to live elsewhere, such as asking for hospitality with a family member.
Step 3. Prepare your partner
It's best not to give him the bad news when he least expects it, so tell him you intend to talk about your relationship and find the right time to do it.
- Talk to him when you have enough time to talk. Also, be sure to focus all of your attention on the issue at hand.
- Talk to him in person in a place away from prying eyes. This is not a conversation to have on the phone or by email.
Step 4. Give the bad news without beating around the bush
Don't try to sweeten the pill by giving good news first. When it comes to dealing with a rather serious topic, the other person knows that they will be faced with something unpleasant. So, start here in order to get to the heart of the matter more quickly.
- You can also start by saying, "You know things have not been going well between us lately. I've come to the point of believing that breaking up is the best solution."
- That said, you don't have to turn your finger in the sore. On the contrary, once you have communicated your intentions, you could lighten the mood by highlighting the best sides of his character.
Step 5. Focus on what's wrong
Instead of blaming the other person, tell them why you think your relationship has come to an end. You don't have to be hostile - you can keep a positive attitude through the end of your story, while still acknowledging that things don't work out.
- For example, don't say, "You are emotionally detached and you have ruined this relationship."
- Rather, he speaks like this: "I have the impression that we have moved away emotionally. I think we are not as close as we used to be."
Step 6. Listen to the other person
Even if you are determined to end your cohabitation, you must give your partner a chance to respond. He will need some time to process what you are saying and understand what he is feeling in order to express it. Give him this chance and listen carefully.
- Pay attention to his words, don't just think about what you want to say next.
- Ask him questions to let him know that you are listening to him and that you want to deepen his speech. For example, try speaking like this: "You are saying that you feel upset because I bring up this subject when you are under stress. How can I help you improve the situation?".
- Nod and use your body language to show attention to the other person, for example by looking into their eyes.
Step 7. Talk about your plans
If you have a plan to relocate, now is a good time to communicate it. This way your partner will have time to get used to the idea and organize themselves financially to live alone. Plus, this way she won't get stressed out about finding a place to live.
For example, you might say, "Now, I don't want you to go looking for another place. I've already found one that I'm going to live in so you can stay here."
Step 8. Focus on your goal
You need to end this coexistence and, once you have listened to your partner, you will probably have to reiterate that you want to leave him. Sometimes it is necessary to repeat a concept more than once for it to be metabolized, so it may be that the other person will do anything to convince you to stay with them.
If she tries to dissuade you from your purpose, tell her tactfully and firmly that you have made a decision: "I understand you want to find a solution, but I don't think there is. I'd rather move on."
Part 2 of 3: Discuss the Accommodation
Step 1. Decide who should stay in the house
Speak sincerely trying to determine where each of you will live. Decide who will continue to live in the house you lived in and express your respective views on this.
- If the house was inhabited by one of you before you lived together, then it should be occupied by that person.
- If you have rented it while you were together, you might want to leave it, especially if none of you can afford to pay for it alone.
Step 2. Agree on the economic situation
When a couple separates, it often happens that the partners do not have the opportunity to move elsewhere immediately, therefore it is necessary to seriously discuss the situation that will arise. If you have to continue living together for some time you will have to decide how to manage your finances.
- For example, will you continue to pay your bills as you always have? Will everyone do the shopping for themselves?
- If the other person cannot support themselves, you may decide to help them cope with the initial period, but it is your choice.
- Don't forget contractual responsibilities. For example, if the lease is made out to both of you or if you have split the utility payment, you are required to pay these expenses.
Step 3. Set a time limit
Since you are about to leave, you must set a time limit within which one of you will have to leave: 4-6 months is a reasonable interval to find another accommodation, as long as those who have to move do so as soon as possible.
Step 4. Discuss custody of children
If you have children, you will need to determine which parent they are going to live with. In addition, you will have to decide how they will spend their time with each of you and also who will pay the expenses related to clothing, education and health care.
- If you don't want to rely on a lawyer, be aware that any custody arrangement could have legal consequences in the future.
- So, if you determine that the children will take turns living with each of you, a judge may consider your decision.
- If you can't come up with an agreement, you probably want to see a lawyer.
Step 5. Divide what belongs to each one
Living under the same roof, a couple cannot help but share everything and when it comes to breaking up, it becomes difficult to separate possessions. However, if you can establish clear rules, it will be easier to divide your respective properties.
- For example, everything that everyone has bought with their own money remains with the person who bought it. The same goes for any inheritance. If you have given something to your partner, it remains his property.
- If there is something you bought together, agree on who should keep it or, in the case of expensive items like the TV, decide who should give the other some of the money spent on it.
Part 3 of 3: Learning to Live Together
Step 1. Establish basic rules for coexistence
You should decide which room each of you will go to sleep in, set rules on their frequentation, as long as this option is valid while you are still living under the same roof. If you can't stand your mutual closeness, you will probably have to agree on cooking times as well.
If spaces are tight you will have to share the use of some things, such as taking turns sleeping on the bed
Step 2. Respect personal boundaries
Since your relationship is over, you will need to find a new dimension that guarantees you emotional stability as you continue living together. Each of you should feel free to say when you need privacy and respect each other's needs.
- You don't have to be intolerant, but just act firmly. For example, suppose the other person asks you what you will do in the evening when you already have an appointment. You could say "I'm going out tonight" without adding any more details.
- When you were together, you had every right to know where your partner was. Now, however, you must understand that he no longer has to realize what he is doing.
Step 3. Avoid sexual intercourse
It's hard not to fall into old habits when you're still living together, however it's important to set clear boundaries once the story is over. If you have sex, false hopes may arise that they will get back together.
Step 4. Establish shifts for household chores
When you formed a couple you could collaborate in order to manage the various tasks concerning the care of the house. Since you are no longer together, you need to be clearer about the contribution each of you has to make. Talk in a way that will divide the housekeeping equally.
- Of course, from now on you will also have to take into account household chores that interest you personally. If you've always done laundry, you won't have to do it for both of you again.
- In other words, in addition to sharing the cleaning, each of you will also take care of the chores that concern him personally.
Step 5. Try to distribute the spaces
Try to create an environment where everyone can have their own privacy. If you live in a small apartment this is hardly feasible, however try to find areas where everyone has the opportunity to be on their own. For example, if you have a bed for one night, stay in the room while your partner can enjoy their stay.
Step 6. Give yourself time to process the pain
Accepting the end of your relationship will be difficult for both of you, even for the one who made the decision. In other words, you will feel hurt and angry for some time, so everyone should respect each other's feelings.
