We've all been there. A breakup is devastating and emotions are confused, in full turmoil. It's hard to be strong at first, so that's when you should let go of the pain. But soon you will realize that time heals wounds. You will be happier than ever and even stronger than before.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Coping with the Pain
Step 1. Accept that it is normal to suffer
As Pablo Neruda says, "To love is so short, and to forget so long". Scientists have also shown that detachment in romantic relationships triggers the same reactions caused by physical pain in the brain. It hurts when you break up and it's completely natural to feel destabilized.
Some psychologists estimate that around 98% of people have had an experience of unrequited love, whether it's an unrequited infatuation or a bad breakup. Knowing that you are not the only one who has experienced such feelings certainly does not heal the wounds of a broken heart, but it could make the pain easier to bear
Step 2. Let it out
Don't pretend you're okay. Denying or downplaying the suffering - for example, saying "I'm really fine" or "It's not a big deal" - actually exacerbates it over time. You need to work out your mood so you can move on.
- Cry if you feel like it. Crying can actually be therapeutic when you are upset. In fact, it can reduce stress, anxiety and anger. So, don't hesitate, but grab your handkerchiefs and release your pain by crying if it helps.
- Express your emotions by engaging in creative pursuits, such as art drawing or music. Write a song about how you feel or listen to a song that can comfort you. Paint a picture that communicates your mood. The only caution in these cases is to stay away from things that cause too much sadness or anger (like death metal), as they can actually amplify this kind of feeling.
- It will be tempting to release the pain by punching something or breaking objects, yelling or screaming, but avoid this urge if you can. Some studies, in fact, show that the use of violence to express anger, even towards an inanimate object such as a pillow, can actually exasperate it. To vent it in a healthy way, then, try talking about what you are feeling to yourself or a person who is close to you.
- It will be easier to confide in a trusted family member or friend. Find someone who can lend you a shoulder to cry on quietly and get rid of the weight that weighs on you. He will probably have cried over yours at other times. So all he's doing now is returning the favor to you.
Step 3. Write your feelings on paper
Expressing what you feel, rather than repressing everything or trying to ignore it, will help you accept the fact that you are suffering right now, but it won't always be like this. By writing your feelings openly and sincerely, you will have the opportunity to understand them better. The first step in dealing with the loneliness that looms after a breakup is to dedicate some time to introspective analysis and reflection.
- Spend 20 minutes of your day letting off steam for three days, writing down what you think and feel about your relationship. Reflect on your relationship experience, your mood following the breakup, or the worries that assail you now that you are single.
- The most common reasons that lead to separation are the lack of independence, the absence of mutual openness or the loss of that "magical" feeling.
- Don't worry about grammar or spelling when writing. I have to do it exclusively for yourself, to express your thoughts and feelings.
Step 4. Examine what you have written
Keeping a journal to entrust with your emotions is the first step. The next is to review what has been written and try to understand why it feels a certain way. By analyzing your feelings, you will be able to understand them more deeply and you will also have the opportunity to grasp any distorted views that can make you suffer unfairly.
- For example, a very common fear after a breakup is feeling undesirable, or even unable to receive love. There is the fear of not being able to find anyone who wants you anymore. This is a natural reaction, but you don't have to convince yourself it's true. Look for evidence that people love you, even if the one you want to be loved by has stopped (or can't in the way you want to).
- Search your diary for generalizing considerations, irreversible and inner affirmations. Research shows that such thoughts can produce depressive states after a breakup and complicate the path to moving on.
- For example, a generalizing consideration might be: "This separation is ruining my life." You will probably get the impression that sometimes things are this way, when in reality the situation is not what it seems. Try to reformulate this consideration by circumscribing the content: "Now this separation is painful, but it is only a fragment of my life".
- An inner affirmation is tantamount to an accusation against oneself: "It's all my fault" or "If I had acted differently, we wouldn't have broken up." Remember that a relationship involves two people. It is very unlikely that all responsibility for a failure lies on one side alone. And, in general, breakups are caused by incompatibility, not by the fact that a person is "bad" or "wrong". Try talking like this: "This relationship didn't end because we weren't right for each other. People are different and everyone has their own needs. It's not a problem."
- Of course, an irreversible statement is itself irreversible: "I will never be able to recover from this separation" or "I will never be able to experience those feelings again." Realize that all feelings are temporary. People change and a broken heart comes together. Try saying to yourself, "I'm in pain right now. It's perfectly normal, but it won't last forever."
Step 5. Repeat positive affirmations about yourself to yourself
A romantic breakup can really hurt your self-esteem. By showing kindness and kindness every day, you will remind yourself that you are a great person, who has a lot to offer to those who deserve it. The next time negative thoughts about your breakup resurface - and they probably will for some time at least - face them by making some of these helpful statements:
- I am worthy of love and attention. Some people are proof of this.
- I'm angry right now, but it won't last forever.
- Part of my pain is caused by the chemical functioning of the brain, which I cannot control.
- Thoughts and feelings are not facts.
- I love and respect myself.
Step 6. List your positive characteristics
A breakup could shatter your self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to remember all the positive aspects that distinguish you. Studies show that when you think you are worthy of love, you cope better with rejection. Make a list of what makes you smart, great, and interesting. When you feel down, take it out and remind yourself how amazing you are.
- Think about what you could do (especially if it doesn't involve the person you just broke up with). Do you practice skydiving, paint, compose music, dance? Do you like taking long walks or cooking delicious dishes? Insert your skills and remember that you are strong and smart.
- Think about the things you like about yourself. Do you have a dazzling smile? A fantastic insight into the field of fashion? Remember that you have a lot to offer and that the only opinion that really matters is yours.
- Consider the positive opinions others express about you. Do your friends tell you that you are a moral force? Are you the life of the party? Are you a caring person who gives up his seat on the subway or bus? Remember that others also notice how many you are worth.
Step 7. Get support
When you end a relationship with someone, it is natural to feel isolated or excluded from the rest of the world. By connecting with friends and loved ones, you can more easily deal with these difficulties and consider how much love there is in your life.
- Talk to your friends. Share what you feel. Ask about their romantic breakups. They may offer you support and advice.
- If friends offer you their opinions and suggestions, try to be open and listen to them. You don't necessarily have to follow what they tell you, but accept the spirit in which they express it. If you notice that they become reluctant to talk about your breakup over time, chances are you are dwelling too much on this topic. Also remember to ask how their life is progressing.
- Sometimes, there is a risk that friends and people overstep certain limits. They may try to control your decisions, "fix" problems for you, and speak ill of your ex - and that's not always what you need. If the support from loved ones begins to go beyond sharing helpful advice and reasoning, show your appreciation for their help and let them know that you can handle the situation on your own. For example, if a friend offers to give your ex "a nice little speech", you might say, "I really appreciate that you want to stand up for me, but I can handle all of that. Please don't."
Part 2 of 4: Staying Strong
Step 1. Cut all ties with your ex
When a relationship ends by mutual agreement, there are probably valid reasons. Not contacting your ex is an important step in recovering from the breakup. You may feel desperate to reconnect, especially at first, but remember the reasons you broke up. Stay strong and stay away from the phone!
- Love stimulates the production of dopamine in the brain, which causes a feeling of "gratification". When you break up, the brain treats the breakup in the same way it deals with addiction. Regardless of how bad you feel, don't give in to desire, otherwise you will never get rid of it.
- Don't call your ex and don't text him. If necessary, delete his number from your phone and your contacts. Do not send him emails or messages on social networks.
- Cyberstalking is a real thing. Don't check your ex on Facebook or Instagram. THE constant search for photos, clues and memories will keep you from feeling better. If necessary, block it on your profile so as not to succumb to temptation.
- Don't "wander" by posting smoky status updates on social networks in an attempt to get his attention. By focusing on the past, you will have no way of moving into the future.
Step 2. Get rid of the memories
By keeping your ex's most important gifts or photos of you together, you will have a hard time recovering and moving on. You may also find that their presence makes you sad, lonely, or even angry.
- Delete his photos from social media accounts (or, at least, crop them properly).
- Resist the urge to do the things you used to do when you were together, like listening to "your song" or going to your favorite places. They will keep you focused on a relationship that no longer exists, instead of allowing you to go out and form new relationships (or strengthen existing ones).
- Memories are not only rekindled by objects. Even sounds and scents can bring back a thought or emotion. If this happens to you, don't try to ignore or deny them. Admit what you feel: "This smell reminds me of when we used to go for pizza in the evening. I miss these moments." Then go ahead.
- If you have items that are too beautiful to throw away, consider giving them as a gift to a charity or thrift store. You will be able to separate yourself from that t-shirt, mug or teddy bear and you will also do something positive for others.
Step 3. Behave yourself
It's all too easy to puncture the tires of your ex's car, scratch it with a key, or throw eggs at his house. You might even spread rumors about him and set up a gossip machine, but don't. This behavior will keep you anchored in the past rather than helping you get over the breakup. You even risk losing some friends.
- About half of people admit to having harassed their ex once the relationship is over, with unwanted phone calls, threats or even vandalism that violates property. In some ways it may seem like a funny revenge, but this type of behavior complicates your recovery from a breakup even more.
- Furthermore, stalking and violence are punished by law. Is your ex important enough to get you arrested? It is unlikely.
Step 4. Avoid rash decisions
When a relationship ends, it is normal to want to change your haircut, dye it, or get a tattoo. It helps us feel different, as if we have a new identity and are completely new people who haven't lived through that relationship. However, remember that chemical changes occur in the brain during a romantic breakup, and your balance is more likely to be compromised at the moment.
Let some time pass. If after a few months you still want to get a tattoo because it represents something important, then don't hesitate
Step 5. Keep busy
Distraction is only a temporary remedy, but it can help you take your mind off the pain of separation. By engaging in activities that you enjoy, especially if they are new and exciting, you will be able to realize that, after all, life is not over.
- Read that series of books you have wanted to devote yourself to for so long, but never had the time to do it. Sign up for a reading association so you can talk about it with other people!
- Take a course, learn a different skill than usual, cultivate a new hobby. By learning new skills, you will have the awareness of being a person capable of improving and achieving results.
- Call people you've been wanting to chat with for months and you've never contacted. Remember that you are surrounded by people who love and support you.
Step 6. Exercise
Physical activity is a great way to relieve frustration and pain. It releases endorphins, the hormones of happiness, in the body. Regular and moderate physical activity can also help you defeat anxiety and depression. Try to move for 30 minutes a day to unload.
- If you feel that your schedules do not allow it, think carefully. Consider training at high-intensity intervals during which you only exercise for 15 minutes. Alternatively, work out a little in the morning and then in the evening. It is not necessary to do it all at once.
- Also make less obvious efforts, such as parking away from the entrance to the place you need to go or wash the car by hand.
- Just don't consider exercise as the "solution to all ills". It is an unhealthy approach and can lead to distorted images of your body and other psychological problems. Train because it is good for your body and mind, not because you "must", as you want to feel desirable in the eyes of others.
Part 3 of 4: Learning to improve
Step 1. Have fun
It may seem almost impossible, especially if the separation is still fresh. However, fun is a great medicine for the mind. It reduces anger and increases positive feelings. So, go out with friends. Watch a movie. Go clubbing. Sing karaoke. Do what you like and loosen up a little. You will feel better.
You will find that laughing is indeed the best cure. It produces endorphins, which rebalance the mood in a natural way. Laughter also increases the body's ability to tolerate pain
Step 2. Indulge in some whim
The so-called "shopping therapy" can actually be a benefit, if done wisely. Research shows that when you go shopping after a sentimental rejection, you tend to imagine how shopping can fit into your new lifestyle. Buying a dress that boosts your self-confidence or replacing a piece of furniture that belongs to your ex and doesn't fit your style can help you recover emotionally.
Just remember not to use shopping to mask the pain. Don't overdo the credit card, otherwise you run the risk of stressing yourself out when you have to pay the installments. Indulge in just a few whims
Step 3. Engage in your community
Taking attention away from oneself can help not to brood, not to go on like a "broken record", where the only thing you can think of is how bad life is. Some studies have found that being kind and understanding towards others can increase good humor and spread the ability to participate in the suffering of others like wildfire among those around us. So, expose yourself and become a better member for a better community.
- Volunteering is a great way to get involved. Go to churches, schools, or volunteer organizations around your area to find out how to help.
- You can also find purpose by serving others. Studies have shown that when we contribute to a cause we believe in - especially in person - we are led to think that we are making a difference in the world.
Step 4. Strive to be a positive person
Just because you've been broken up or your ex doesn't want to retrace his steps doesn't mean you're useless. There are many other people who want you and would be willing to treat you even better. Find things and contexts that make you smile and laugh. Surround yourself with friends and people who care about you. You will feel better.
- Happiness breeds success, after all. The happier you are, the more positivity you will nurture around you and you will have the opportunity to achieve greater and better things.
- People are really sensitive to "emotional contagion" and are able to capture the feelings and mood of others. If you surround yourself with positive people, you will be much more likely to feel optimistic. Conversely, if you accompany yourself with negative and resentful people, you are much more likely to feel like them.
Part 4 of 4: Turn the Page
Step 1. Forgive and forget
Once the initial phase of shock and pain has passed, you will find yourself at a point where you can leave the whole situation behind and settle down. Once you have forgiven your ex for everything that happened, you will be able to start forgetting. It is a natural cycle. Remember: Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the other person.
- One way to forgive someone is to start remembering what you intend to forgive. Remind yourself how you felt. Pay attention to what you think about yourself and your ex.
- Reflect on this experience. What were you able to learn? There will probably be things you would do differently. You may notice others where you hope in your heart that the other person behaves differently. What are you looking for in the future? How do you plan to use this experience to grow?
- Remember that forgiveness is not an excuse for bad behavior. Forgiving someone does not necessarily mean reconciling with that person or saying that they were not wrong to act in a certain way. Rather, it means getting rid of the burden of anger. Forgiveness sets you free.
- Keep in mind that you cannot control the way others act. The only thing you can manage is your actions and reactions.
- Tell yourself that you forgive the other person for their mistakes. And remember that it may take some time before you feel that you have completely forgiven her.
Step 2. Think for a while, then think about moving on
You are probably dwelling on the past right now. Why? You can't change it. It doesn't give you any charge to express who you will be tomorrow. What if you think about the future? This is the kind of reasoning that will surely make it easier for you to think positively. Reflect on what you have learned from this experience and then take the time to plan for your future.
- Use these moments to consider what will benefit you in the future from the broken relationship. What will you do different? Make a list of the things you realized worked and didn't work in the relationship. Then, write down the characteristics you would like in your next mate, what kind of person he should be, his physical and character qualities, and so on.
- Evaluate whether you have relapsed into the same patterns in past relationships. Time and again, people fall in love with unsuitable individuals. It can happen for a variety of reasons, including interactions with parents in childhood. Examine if you have had a "type" of people with whom you are incompatible so far. Think about how you might break this pointless pattern next time.
- Think of the terminated relationship as a learning experience. Allowing yourself to hurt, but it can also make you a stronger, more confident, and understanding person if you allow it. Look at what you can learn about yourself and your needs. What do you know about yourself now that you didn't know before?
Step 3. Find out who you really are
In a serious relationship, we often become half the other person instead of being a rich and unique version of ourselves. This is the main reason breakups are so difficult. However, once you get rid of it, you have a chance to rediscover yourself. You can devote time to your interests and do what you love, without the opinions or disagreements of another individual getting in your way. Take some time to figure out what you are worth and who you want to be.
- When you were with this person, you probably compromised more than once. The time has come to stop doing it and listen to yourself. If you like anchovy pizza, eat it. Sleep late on weekends if your ex woke up at dawn because she always had a thousand things to do. Wear clothes you love but hated. Hang up the pictures or posters he despised. Listen to music she didn't like. These are all strategies to regain your balance, to rebuild your identity as an individual, not half of a couple.
- What did you give up when your relationship started? A friendship? An hobby? What interests have you not cultivated in order to give this person more time and focus on them? Think back to what you left behind. Is it still waiting for you? It is likely so.
Step 4. Go beyond your comfort zone, which is the habits that give you security
It's easy to stay inside your shell because, of course, it's more comfortable. However, it is almost impossible to improve without addressing the problems. Take this opportunity to try new things and take some risks that wouldn't otherwise arise.
- Too much ease kills motivation. Since you will likely feel distressed after the breakup, use this uncertainty to your advantage! Use it to transform areas of your life that need improvement.
- Learning to detach from your reassuring habits also has other benefits. For example, by taking some risks (reasonable and controlled), you will be able to accept weaknesses more easily and understand that unexpected events are part of life. Once you have recognized all of this, it will be much easier to manage events that occur unexpectedly.
- This does not mean that you should engage in extreme sports without any kind of preparation or decide to move to a foreign country without any knowledge of the culture or language. Start with simpler challenges and chart your own path.
- See breaking up as a well-deserved freedom. You can resume your studies, live somewhere else or finally adopt the kitten you wanted so much. You could spend Friday nights at the art class you always wanted to take. If there is a dream you intend to fulfill, this is the time.
Step 5. Don't rush
You are heartbroken now, but not forever. It sounds commonplace, but it's commonplace for a valid reason: time actually heals wounds. You need time to see the situation in a different light. Even if it seems strange to you now to think of your ex as a memory, later it can become one, and maybe you will also feel very fond and very happy that it happened in your life. People don't automatically forget, so don't be hard on yourself if this "grief" seems interminable. It is natural, but have faith that it will end.
The point is, when it passes, you don't realize it at all. You wake up one day and find that you haven't thought about the other person for weeks. It happens slowly and imperceptibly. So, just when you think nothing is happening, it happens. It always happens
Advice
- Make a playlist with songs that inspire you. Include pieces that make you feel confident and strong! When you start to think you're lost or alone, listen to them to get back on track.
- Remember to enjoy life. It does you good to turn the page and accept who you really are. Take advantage of this moment to spend even more time with the people who really matter - family and closest friends.
- Don't get stuck in the past and try to make the most of your life.
- Lie down and relax. Listen to the music you like to distract yourself.
- If, after all, you feel an urgent need to change your appearance, be sure to make non-permanent changes, for example using hair dyes that gradually fade over a few weeks or brightly colored clip-on extensions.
- Keep busy. Going out with friends is the most useful way to distract yourself and make sure you choose wisely who to tell your situation. It is not necessary to tell everyone you meet how and why you broke up. It pays to be selective about who you confide in. There is no need to satisfy everyone's curiosity.
- Don't get stuck in the past and don't let it ruin your future. You should try to leave behind and forget things if they make you sad, unhappy and absent.
