Ending a relationship can be devastating. It is a traumatic passage from every point of view: while before you shared a large part of your life with the person you loved, now you realize that it is no longer necessary to pick up the phone to call them. In some cases, depression takes over, a mood disorder that can become so strong and overwhelming that it doesn't allow others to understand what you are going through. Taking care of yourself and deciding to move forward can be a difficult step to take.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Dealing with Depression
Step 1. Learn the difference between sadness and depression
After a romantic breakup, it is normal to cry, lose sleep, get angry, and temporarily lose interest in normal daily activities. These reactions are part of the pain recovery process. However, the problem can become more serious if you notice:
- Profound changes in eating or sleeping habits
- Exhaustion;
- Frequent feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, or hopelessness
- Unbearable and prolonged emotional suffering;
- Irritability;
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Disorder in the spaces in which one lives and neglect of personal hygiene;
- Suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviors.
Step 2. Write down your symptoms
If you suspect you are suffering from depression or another disorder, try keeping a journal in which to write down what you are going through. It can be printed or digital. It will be useful to re-read it later and show it to the doctor if you want to get his opinion.
- Try writing very simply what you feel, such as "I felt desperate all morning" or "I tried to have fun, but I was very tired and listless." If something upsets you too much, don't feel pressured to describe it in detail.
- Try writing down what you did, such as "I watched a movie all night and cried out loud" or "I was in bed for 3 hours this morning because I lacked strength."
Step 3. Recognize within what time frame and to what extent you can consider what you are going through as a problem
Typically, experts recommend waiting around 2 weeks - up to a month - to see if the situation improves. The problem exists even if sadness prevents you from carrying out your normal daily activities (such as working or looking after your children). You should see your doctor if:
- It doesn't get better at all in 2-3 weeks;
- You are unable to work or take care of yourself or your family;
- You think you're indulging in self-harming behaviors.
Step 4. See your doctor about how to treat yourself
Your doctor may recommend psychotherapy and / or drug treatment to correct chemical imbalances in the brain.
The brain can get sick like other organs in the body. There is nothing wrong with having depression or taking medications to treat it
Step 5. Contact a support line and help if you are in danger
If you think you're hurting yourself, don't just sit there. Pick up your phone and find a listening service to call or text to.
- Call Telefono Amico at 02 2327 2327 to speak and get help.
- If you feel more comfortable communicating via text messages, try the WhatsApp Amico service on 345 036 16 28. It is a place of attention, listening and support, an anonymous space that offers immediate help to those who live in a difficult moment.
Part 2 of 4: Managing Your Feelings
Step 1. Keep in mind that the process of processing feelings takes time
It can be difficult and long, especially if the relationship has been important and has lasted a long time. Consider this and give yourself plenty of time to get over the breakup.
Some people find that getting over the pain of a breakup takes about half the time they've been together. For example, if your relationship lasted 6 months, it could take 3 months to fully recover. Keep in mind that recovery times are not the same for everyone because every person is different
Step 2. Give yourself the space and time you need to give vent to the most unpleasant emotions
It is normal to feel anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and various negative emotions when a relationship ends badly. Some are likely not related to your ex at all. It's not a problem. Cry and get angry. It is right to suffer when a story comes to an end.
If an emotion becomes pressing, try to define it. Do you feel insecure? Worried about the future? Lost?
Step 3. Put away all memories of the old relationship
Take whatever reminds you of your ex (photos, letters, souvenirs) and put them in a box. Then hide it so that you no longer have it under your eyes, for example in a corner of the wardrobe or under the bed. Leave it there. Later, when you have finally moved on, you can choose and arrange items differently.
- Don't throw it all away. You may regret it tomorrow.
- If you are concerned about opening the box after a short time, try putting a note on the lid, such as "do not open until April".
Step 4. Find a relief valve
It's not easy to deal with strong emotions, so you should find a way to get them out. Try various relief valves, as long as they are healthy and safe. Here are some ideas:
- Practice physical activity;
- Engage in some form of artistic expression, such as painting, composing music, drawing, writing, etc.;
- Cry;
- Imagine dramatically telling your story on a talk show;
- Write a diary;
- Tear or cut out the paper to be thrown away;
- Screaming with your face in the pillow and punching the bed;
- Crushing ice cubes in the bathtub.
Step 5. Cultivate your hobbies and try new ones
It is helpful to find new ways in which to channel your creative and productive energies.
Was there anything you wanted to feel when you were little but couldn't? Try doing it now
Step 6. Ask yourself what you need now
If you're having a hard time, stop. Ask yourself what would be good for you. Think about what you could do next to relieve the burden in the situation you are in. Maybe you could improve it in the following ways:
- Calling a friend;
- Taking a hot shower;
- Playing with your four-legged friend;
- Sipping a hot chocolate;
- Receiving a hug;
- Doing whatever feels right to you right now.
Step 7. Commit to moving forward
Eventually, you will have to accept that the relationship is over and plan for a future that excludes the presence of your ex. This is your goal. Imprint it in your mind and let it guide your choices. You have to learn to move on even if it takes time. Remember which direction you want to go.
Step 8. Keep in mind that the shot does not follow a linear path
There will be setbacks, but they will not be definitive. You may feel better for a while and suddenly feel worse. This does not mean that you will not be resurrected in the end. A moment of crisis can last a day as well as a couple of weeks.
Part 3 of 4: Take Care of Yourself
Step 1. Try to have a regular life
It will be difficult at first, but you have to make an effort to eat and sleep at regular times. This aspect will also take time, so be patient with yourself.
You will probably proceed at a sub-optimal pace for some time, but that is not important
Step 2. Come up with various ways to keep yourself healthy
When you suffer from depression, you hardly think about health. However, little is better than nothing. Find simple ways to take care of yourself and be proud of them.
- If you're having a hard time cooking, make a cold but healthy snack like an apple or a few slices of cheese. You can even keep something on your desk that doesn't spoil easily, like a box of nuts.
- Do small exercises: Try doing leg lifts while watching TV or lifting a 2.5kg weight while lying in bed.
Step 3. Don't neglect personal hygiene
Depression can hinder normal daily activities, such as brushing your teeth and showering. However, they are important from a health point of view. If you neglect them for a long time, you risk getting sick or developing pathologies over time.
- Try to brush your teeth at least once a day. Even a superficial cleaning, without toothpaste, is better than nothing. You can also wipe your teeth with a cloth to weaken food residue.
- Try showering at least every other day. Use the soaked wipes to clean the places where you sweat the most, such as your armpits and the area under your bra. Apply deodorant.
- If you are too tired to get dressed, change your pajamas and underwear at least every day. You can also wear an old shirt and sweatpants if you are feeling a little better.
Step 4. Stay away from unhealthy coping mechanisms
Sometimes, when you are in pain, the temptation to lift your elbow, use drugs, or gorge on food is strong. These behaviors can harm you physically and worsen your mood. Look for other solutions.
Step 5. Don't be afraid to ask for help with personal hygiene and other primary matters
Depression can literally freeze you and keep you from staying focused on what you need to do. Sometimes, in these cases, the presence of another person proves very useful. Try asking for help when taking care of your personal hygiene or cleaning the house if you have a hard time managing yourself in these situations. For example, you might say:
- "I'm exhausted and can't clean the house. Could you please come and help me? I bought vanilla ice cream. I could make coffee affogato when we're done."
- "I know I've been a mess lately forgetting to take a shower. You definitely don't want a roommate hanging around the house smelling badly. Spur me on to wash if things go wrong."
- "The end of my story has really devastated me and I have a hard time cleaning the house. Would you be willing to do the laundry with me?"
- "Dad, I've been too tired lately to prepare my own food. Can I come to dinner with you sometime?".
Part 4 of 4: Avoid Isolating Yourself
Step 1. Contact the people you love
Look for the company of friends and family during this time. They will be your support network as you cope with the aftermath of the end of your romance. How often did you see them before I left you? If the relationship has been long and intense, chances are it hasn't happened in months. Try to resume relationships and enjoy your time with them.
Tell your loved ones what you are going through. You might say, "My story ended badly and I really need a friend right now."
Step 2. Make an effort to socialize every day if possible
It is easy to fall into the trap of self-isolation during a depressive episode. Therefore, it is essential to stay in touch with others to avoid finding yourself spending days or weeks in complete solitude.
Try to devote at least half an hour a day to the people you love by spending pleasant moments
Step 3. Speak out what you feel out loud
By expressing your feelings openly, you allow people to understand how to react towards you. Do not communicate your state of mind with hints and implications, but clearly explain how you feel and see what happens.
- "Today I feel tired".
- "Right now I would like to do something undemanding, like watching a movie with you."
- "I'm exhausted now. Can we talk in the morning?"
- "I feel better today. I think it's the right day to go for a ride. Are you in the mood?"
- "I feel a little shaken and nervous."
- "I don't have the strength to go out. Is it okay if we stay at home and invent something to kill time?".
Step 4. Tell people how they can help you, especially if they are confused
Many people will want to help you, but they probably don't know how. They may be wrong about what you need. Therefore, the best thing to do is to say how they can help you. Here are some examples:
- "I really need to be distracted today. Would you like to do something fun?"
- "I just want someone to listen to me and stay close to me."
- "I don't feel ready to go out with someone yet. I haven't forgotten my ex yet and I need time to process what happened. I'll let you know when I want to meet other guys."
- "I need a hug".
- "I'm tempted to send her a message. Would you like to see each other like this, you help me to desist from this?".
- "I feel lonely. I need some company. We could go for a walk and chat or watch TV together. Anything is fine."
Step 5. Find reliable people to confide in
It is difficult to manage the emotions that disturb us, and it is even more difficult when you have to do it alone. Look for someone who can listen to you and ask if they can give you some time to talk. You will feel better if you let it out.
Advice
- Be aware that your ex may call or text you to get back together, perhaps because she is feeling lonely. If this is the case, ask yourself if that's really what you want or if you're ready for a healthier, happier relationship.
- Regardless of what you are thinking right now, you will know a person to build a relationship with. There are so many around and maybe yours is just waiting to be found. It doesn't seem like it at the moment, but there are plenty of people you might be compatible with. One day you will meet an exciting, fun, wonderful one, and believe it or not, the memory of your ex will quickly fade.
- Just because your story is over doesn't mean that you are someone to blame or that they made a mistake (or that the other person behaved badly). You are simply not meant for each other.
- Be aware that over time, you may build a friendship with your ex or remain friends with him. However, the transformation of your bond could take months or even years, and will likely only occur after both of you have actually moved on.
- Don't call or text the other person. Give it time! You don't have to torment her and push her away.
- Remember that it will take a long time before you are ready to go out again. Don't throw yourself into a relationship with the first nice person that comes along, or it will be an unhealthy fallback for both of you. Give yourself time to recover and metabolize what happened in a healthy way.
- Indulging in something good to eat (like ice cream or dessert) can be comforting, as long as you don't overdo it. Allow it in reasonable portions so you won't be tempted to gorge yourself and get sick with your stomach.
- Don't allow the past to boycott the future. It will bring you only bitter memories, favoring the return of the depression that characterized the end of the last relationship. Face the future and continue living your life.
- If you ended the relationship, remember why. Think about the problems that led you to make this decision and don't change your mind. When you are ready, you will be able to build a happier relationship with a like-minded and compatible person.
Warnings
- Don't have sex and don't cling to someone just because you are or feel lonely. Rather, go out with a friend or do something that you enjoy and makes you happy. The consequences you may face are not worth that momentary feeling of pleasure and, eventually, loneliness will take over. So, dedicate yourself to something positive.
- Don't make important life decisions right after a breakup.
