Even though the breakup was inevitable and you're sure you'll get better now, you can't stop loving someone automatically. It is normal to wonder how she is, what she is doing, and especially if she misses you or has moved on. Post-separation jealousy is sometimes a more serious problem than the one you suffered from when you were with the person in question, because now you will really have to face your worst nightmare when he or she starts dating someone else. All the potential nameless vultures circling your relationship have materialized into a real, flesh-and-blood person. And perhaps the worst part is that you no longer have the right to protest. Your first impulse is to get angry, to feel betrayed and disappointed. Even if you try in every way to master these emotions, they continue to take over and drive you crazy. Fortunately, this is a fairly common problem and - believe it or not - it is not as difficult to overcome as it may seem at first. Here are some tips for overcoming this kind of jealousy that arises after a breakup.
Steps
Step 1. Take back control
Tell yourself as many times as necessary that everything will go well. Remember that it is not a real, physical factor that ignites your anger, fear and panic. Nothing is threatening you; it's all within you and your job is to get rid of it so you can feel at peace again. Once you are convinced that you are safe, you will begin to regain control and be able to handle all kinds of negative emotions.
- Deal with your negative emotions. Instead of experiencing them as something inevitable and natural, look for ways to turn them into constructive attitudes that can support you instead of making you feel helpless and helpless. Know that negative emotions keep you tied to the loss, while a positive attitude allows you to let go of the person in question while still grudgingly acknowledging that you were once in a relationship with them.
- Be kind to yourself. Do you really need to put yourself in such a situation? No!
Step 2. Don't waste time trying to understand the "nature" of your jealousy
Focusing on negative emotions will put you in a vulnerable position. You may think that anger and fear mean that you still have feelings for your ex and therefore have to do something to get back with her. Being obsessed with his new flame - who he is, what he does, how he can be eliminated - is even worse and more dangerous. Thinking about them won't help you figure out what you don't like about yourself and what you need to change. These thoughts will trap you in a circle of fear, doubt, pain and jealousy, preventing you from moving on.
- Keep in mind that analyzing the essence of what could or should have been means living in the past and allows nostalgia to trap you in a period that is now over in your life. Even if it is often heard, the saying "It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all", is just as often underestimated; however, it is much healthier to appreciate that you once loved this person but now is the time to move on. It is possible to treasure this experience for what it was without allowing it to hold you back every time.
- And if you just can't stop wondering why, know that jealousy in a nutshell is wanting something you feel you can't have. The only lesson you need to learn from this is to find what you are missing for yourself and make up for it by focusing more on your personal growth (see the next steps). Think of it this way: even if you were to return with X, would the emptiness you feel inside you be filled? No. Because no one can fill an inner dissatisfaction; only you have that power.
Step 3. Look around
Yes, look around - at home, at the office, your family, friends, career and so on. Recognize all the great people and opportunities around you. Focus on the people who make you happy. Think about the compliments that have been given to you; in this way you will begin to feel more secure and grateful, and you will want to do more and more things that make you happy, save you from the flames of jealousy and fill the emptiness within you.
Step 4. Try not to be alone, at least at the beginning
If you're very lucky, you'll rarely (if ever) see your ex with her new boyfriend. However, if you can't avoid running into them, make sure you're not alone when you know you won't be able to avoid this awkward encounter. Having an accomplice, a kind of "buffer", will help you feel calmer. Friends and colleagues can also help you distract yourself and keep you from being obsessed with the new happy couple.
Listen to family and friends. It is possible that they have a rational perspective on the situation as it has developed, and they can give you sensible advice for dealing with it. Don't assume they will say anything to make you feel better; look for food for thought in their words
Step 5. Be fair
Of course, you can't always have someone accompany you to help balance the delicate situation. When the inevitable meeting happens and you are alone, be polite and reserved. Being polite is essential, but no one expects you to treat her like she is your best friend. Doing so would make you appear strange and dishonest, as well as further stress you.
Make an excuse to get out of the picture quickly, like, “Good to see you Bob / Jane. I'm sorry but I can't stop, I have an appointment and I'm already late”; or "I'm glad to see you Bob / Jane, but I'm on my way to pick up my boss at the airport and there is a lot of traffic"; or simply: “Hi Bob / Jane. I'm glad to see you're okay. See you around! ". You don't have to give explanations if you don't want to, but do your best not to let the emotions show through your facial expressions or quickly dismiss it
Step 6. Always be taken care of
It's not something to make your ex realize what she's been missing (and want you again), nor to prove to the world that you are better than her new boyfriend. Do it because you deserve it, shine and always be at your best because you owe it to yourself. There is no better remedy to overcome jealousy and wickedness than a fresh infusion of self-esteem.
Step 7. Keep busy
Finding something that keeps you busy constantly will take up a lot of your time, and at the end of the day you will be too tired and proud of what you have achieved to think of anything negative. Furthermore, this will guarantee the admiration and jealousy (!) Of others and you will be convinced even more of your worth. It is an excellent opportunity to let your creative side blossom and improve the professional aspect of your life, if you see it as a moment of personal growth and allow yourself the right opportunities.
Step 8. Be your top priority
Whatever you do, your actions should be focused on moving forward. Once you become the most important person in your life, you will realize that you have come a long way and the past is too far away to think about it anymore. Your ex and his new partner will be just a vague memory, part of your experience and nothing else.
Advice
- Do you remember all those things you never had time to do because your relationship was taking up all of your energy? Pamper yourself with that pile of magazines you haven't read, spend a weekend working on your car, prepare that sinful and delicious-looking dessert or go for a ride in that shop that you always drive past. Now you have both the opportunity and the need to keep busy with enjoyable activities like these.
- Change, change, change! Rearrange your apartment, paint the walls, get a new haircut. When you're done, do the same for your best friend. Any improvement in your life will refresh your mind and make you feel so much better.
- There are a lot of people out there!
