Do you suspect (or do you know) that your supposedly monogamous partner has cheated on you? You are not alone. A variable percentage between 25% and 50% of partners will betray (or have cheated) at one time or another. Knowing that others are experiencing it, however, does not lessen the pain. Read the steps below and use them to overcome the trauma. It could be extremely painful and the emotions very intense, so help yourself with a checklist to stay in control of events.
Steps
Step 1. First of all, take deep breaths
Don't allow yourself to have a gut reaction. Thinks! This is especially important in a long relationship. Sudden, unreasonable reactions can lead to consequences that you will later regret. Take some time before you do something.
Step 2. Talk to someone
You are not alone. Statistics are approximate and widely varying, but many studies on cheating have been conducted and all indicate that between 25% and 50% of married people will cheat or have cheated at least once.
Step 3. Don't blame yourself
It is easy for some people to start looking within themselves for the reasons why the other has betrayed … nothing good comes from this attitude. The problems that lead to betrayal involve the couple but this is not always the case. However, it may help, eventually, to look within to find the reasons why the partner sought someone else. There could be gray areas of your behavior that could have influenced this decision. You have to remember that most humans like a monogamous lifestyle because it leads to a kind of happiness and security. Although there are some who do not confirm this theory.
Step 4. Assess if he has cheated on you
Ask yourself these questions: Were you the official boy / girl at the time of the betrayal? Were you officially monogamous? If not, you can't be sure your other half was aware of hurting you with their behavior and you may want to consider a less confrontational approach.
Step 5. Talk to your partner
Let him know your worries and fears. It may turn out that nothing has happened or perhaps that something has happened but against his will (sexual harassment in the workplace, for example, which needs to be discussed immediately and openly so that it never happens again in the future). There could be a substance abuse problem or a psychological problem that needs to be addressed (sex addiction is very real). If there is a need for help, you may want to be supportive and this could have therapeutic implications for both of you. However, substance abuse is not a valid "excuse" for inappropriate behavior and you absolutely must not allow me to tell you the phrase "yes but I was drunk so it is not important" as an argument; be very firm in this.
Step 6. Ask yourself if you will ever be able to see your partner in the same way
Infidelity may be of little importance for someone who has more than one physical relationship, without it representing a lack of a permanent partner, but this is a rarity. Infidelity is often a sign of boredom and dissatisfaction. Dealing with a partner who doesn't want you first and doesn't care about hurting you is ridiculous. Download it if this is your case.
Step 7. If you decide the situation is irreparable, don't break up with your partner and then turn them back later
This will only give you more emotional stress. If you break, let it be a clear-cut thing. In any case, a cooling-off period and trial separation is a viable option. However, if you separate (forever or temporarily) don't talk to your partner immediately after the breakup. Give yourself time to calm down. If there are children or a difficult economic situation this may not be possible. In this case, establish some ground rules (times, ways and places to meet). It is difficult, but important.
Step 8. If you are married and you are pretty sure that the relationship is more than just a crush, you should consider hiring a lawyer or a reliable detective specializing in marital affairs
Check references.
Step 9. If you use an investigator, do not confront or accuse your partner
Let the investigator do his job (if you talk to your partner you will alarm him and he will take even more precautions making the investigations longer, difficult and expensive).
Step 10. Get tested for sexually transmitted diseases as soon as possible
Not knowing causes enormous stress and, if necessary, early treatment is crucial.
Step 11. If you can, collect evidence (receipts, emails, photographs, etc …) of the lover's presence
Get information from friends or family. This will be less work for the investigator and a less expensive bill for you.
Step 12. Don't start the gossip
Sharing your suspicions with more than one close friend increases the chances of triggering gossip which in turn has a bad influence on many areas. If there is an ongoing investigation, this type of chatter can hinder the work.
Step 13. Look at your behavior too
If you are cheating yourself, it may be time for an open confrontation with your partner. Maybe a couple counselor would be helpful. If divorce is the choice, remember that it can be very bad, very quick, and that your private matters can be brought to the fore.
Step 14. Spite is not a fair thing
Don't start an extramarital affair just because your wife did it. It is pure revenge and will not lead to anything good.
Advice
- Get help! Not really a bad idea; even if there is nothing wrong with your life, it is important to speak to a professional when you are deeply hurt.
- Being honest with yourself is important. If you don't break up with your partner, will you be able to live with the idea that it could happen again?
- Do you want to invest your energy in "controlling" your relationship?
- Leave if the accident has hurt you too much.
- If you want to go on, it is always helpful to forgive and put a stone on it without dwelling on what has been.
