You are in an unpleasant situation. You've been friends - for months or years - and suddenly it's painfully clear to you that he has a crush on you. It is up to you to explain to him that, while taking your friendship into consideration, you do not foresee further developments. How to do it without hurting his feelings? Just follow these tips.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Prepare to Tell Him
Step 1. Choose a suitable time and place
If your friend has butterflies in his stomach every time he sees you, before things get out of control it's best to let him know you don't feel the same. However, if you want to get him the message in the best way, you need to choose both the right time and place so that he is comfortable and able to understand well.
- Find a place that isn't romantic. If you tell him this in a nice little restaurant or while you are on the beach, you will catch him off guard. Tell him in a place where you would never date.
- Better in the morning or during the day. The evening is more romantic.
- Choose a place where you will be relatively alone and away from his friends. You don't have to embarrass him in front of others.
- Find a time when he isn't busy or stresses him out. Don't tell him anything the night before an exam or if he's planning a bad day at work.
- Don't mess around. Once you know he likes you, don't wait too long for the right time to talk. The more he waits to hear about your feelings, the more he'll feel bad.
Step 2. Prepare your speech
If you want to communicate this as effectively as possible, you should prepare in advance. If you don't know exactly how to explain to him that you don't see him in a romantic light, you will tend to make things more complicated by getting lost in excuses and making the situation worse.
- Choose simplicity. You don't have to rattle off every single reason for your choice.
- Train your tone. Say everything you have in mind out loud, so when the time comes you will be more at ease.
Step 3. Predict his reaction
Before talking to him, you should estimate how he will react. Will he be shocked, silenced or grieved? If he's your friend, you should have an idea of how he's going to take it, so be prepared accordingly.
- If he's a sensitive and shy guy, he might not even have much to say. Think of a few reassuring words to say, or even a few light-hearted comments that make things easier.
- In case he gets really bad, be prepared to support him. He's a great guy and he's sure to find someone else.
Method 2 of 3: Tell him
Step 1. Be honest
Don't go around the subject. Tell him that you know he likes you but that you are not interested in him that way. Explain that you wish it were different and that you know you are putting him in an unpleasant situation, but that you still can't think of him as anything other than a friend.
- Explain to him that it was not easy for you to open up to him, even if it was necessary. He will appreciate that you are considerate enough to tell him the truth.
- Just because you're honest with him doesn't mean you have to list the top 5 reasons why you would never date him. If you feel like it, okay, but you don't have to make him feel wrong or not at your level.
Step 2. Be firm
Don't be insecure. If you don't like him, you don't like him. Don't tell him that this is not the right stage in your life to appreciate him on that side or that you will think about it maybe next year or with the end of school. This tactic would only make you look untrustworthy. The more confident and direct you are, the more he will get the message and let you stay romantically.
- Even if it seems harsh, the most important thing is not to give it hope. If he thinks he has at least a chance to interest you in the future, he will continue to wait for that to happen.
- Remember that being all in one piece does not mean being cruel. You don't have to say that he has zero chance with you or that you will absolutely never go out together. Or rather: this is essentially the message, but you have to deliver it in a kind way.
- Do not apologise. Even if the situation is unpleasant and you feel sorry for him, you cannot ignore your feelings.
Step 3. Don't lie or make excuses
The worst thing you can do is lie about why you wouldn't be with him instead of being honest and telling him you don't feel the same way. While you may think an apology would make him feel less rejected, the opposite is true. He will be able to tell if you are bluffing, which will only make him feel worse. If he's really your friend, then you should respect him enough to tell him the truth. Here are some excuses you should avoid:
- Never say, "My life is already so full right now". This would make him feel unimportant, and if he saw you with someone else a few weeks later he would be even more hurt. No matter how busy you are, there is always room for someone special.
- Don't say, "It's not you, it's me." Don't make excuses about having to work on yourself before starting a relationship, or that you are unable to commit, or that your self-esteem is low. If you really wanted to be with him, you would.
- Don't say, "You can find better." Don't put yourself down to make him feel better. It wouldn't work.
- Never say, "I like you but I don't want to ruin our friendship." Unless he's the best friend in the world, how many times can this phrase be authentic?
Step 4. Emphasize how much you value their friendship
This should be true. Let him know that he is really important to you and that you are lucky to have him. While you shouldn't tell him you don't want to be in a relationship with him because he's a great friend, emphasize how you hope it doesn't affect your friendship, and tell him he has been a great friend to you.
- Be sincere. Maintain eye contact and speak slowly to let him know how much you care.
- You don't have to overdo it. Don't spend twenty minutes praising his qualities. He'll start thinking, "If I'm so great why doesn't he want me?"
Step 5. Take some time to listen to it
Once you have your say, chances are he has something to say as well. Maybe it will be questions about what he could have done differently, or maybe he'll just tell you he was upset. Or he'll be a little angry and you can see his pride hurt.
- Whatever his reaction is, give him time to talk to you as you nod, listen, and ask your questions only when he's done. It is not a one-way exchange.
- Don't interrupt it. If he talks to you, you can get a clear idea of how deep his feelings are and understand where the friendship stops. You may find that he has a harmless crush on you or that he has always loved you.
Method 3 of 3: Recover Easily
Step 1. Don't make it worse than it is
After you break the news to him, you should avoid embarrassment. In fact, it is possible that you will continue dating, so don't avoid it, don't blush and don't run away as soon as you see it. Spend time with your group of friends and be nice when you meet them.
Don't tell everyone what happened. If you are in the same group, it would create an even greater embarrassment
Step 2. Take a break
Even if your friendship is safe, you should take it easy for a while. Remember when you liked that guy who didn't love you back? Well, when you found out the truth, did you want to hang out with him anyway? Probably not. Your friend may be in pain just seeing you around, so try to calm him down on the friendship front.
- You can always be nice if you see him with others, but don't invite him for a movie, coffee, or whatever you did before.
- Don't ignore it entirely. You can invite him somewhere every now and then so he doesn't feel completely left out. But wait for him to redo the first move.
Step 3. Be friends again
It can take some time for this. In many cases, however, it is a very feasible thing if not too much water passes under the bridges. Give it a couple of weeks or even a couple of months and start dating again as before. Who knows: maybe one day you'll laugh at this situation too, or you'll find yourself having a crush on him after a couple of years.
Unfortunately, there are cases where it is not possible for everything to go back to the way it was before. The guy may feel deeply hurt or embarrassed and being around you would only make him feel worse. Still try to be close to him, but without looking at him with embarrassment, just be his usual friend
Advice
- Keep his feelings in mind: you certainly don't want him to trust you anymore.
- Don't lie to get out of this situation! He may never believe you again!
- If you know you will never want to be with him, tell him. Giving him false hope will only make him suffer later.
- Use words like "friends" or "buddies" so he'll know you're not interested.
