Telling someone that they hurt you can be difficult. It is possible that the person involved did not intend to do this and, by pointing this out, you can trigger a negative reaction. The worse the reaction, the greater the conflict. This guide can help you handle the situation in a respectful, calm, and adult way. It is not a question of getting the better of the other as much as being able to safeguard your relationship.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Part 1 of 3: Organize your thoughts
Step 1. Understand what you would like to change
Instead of complaining only about your hurt feelings, try to figure out what behaviors are not good for you and think about how to propose that they change. Prepare an action plan. Men will generally react better if you can give them examples and know how to express your expectations.
Step 2. Make a list
Make a list of the things you want to talk about. List the ways it hurt you, matching specific examples. In the midst of an argument, loaded with anxiety and with adrenaline rushing, you will hardly be able to concentrate and you may go astray. A list will help you.
Step 3. Determine where and when
Choosing to speak in public can prevent the discussion from escalating, but it may also provide an excuse for him to postpone the matter.
- Try to go to a semi-private location. Like a park during the day, for example. But make sure you don't isolate yourself too much.
- Do not argue in the bedroom or other places where you normally have sex or share good times, the discussion could combine them with a negative memory.
Step 4. Try to understand why you feel hurt
Think about all the times you have experienced this feeling, think about what was the trigger. You may remember reasons other than what you initially thought. Examine your feelings so that you get to the heart of the problem. This will help you avoid patching bigger issues.
For example, are you disappointed that he forgot your birthday, but do you feel really hurt about it? It would be a little silly to take it so badly for this reason alone. Maybe you feel bad because he has a habit of taking everything for granted and that's just one piece of a bigger problem
Step 5. Look at the problem from different angles
Sometimes you get angry when you shouldn't, so before you talk to him try to figure out if you haven't been rude or hypocritical, or you will only increase the negativity of the discussion.
- For example, were you upset because your best friend spends more time with his girlfriend than with you? You certainly have the right to feel disappointed but not the right to expect more from him.
- Another example could be this: you are angry because your boyfriend is still dating her friends, but if you continue to hang out with your friends, you shouldn't misjudge his actions.
Method 2 of 3: Part 2 of 3: Talk to him
Step 1. Introduce the speech in the way you think is right
You can tell them directly that you have something to talk about or try to introduce the conversation spontaneously during a conversation. You will find out which solution is right for you.
Step 2. Keep your tone calm and gentle
Avoid the discussion becoming dramatic and blatant, at that point it would be difficult to listen to each other and take into consideration what is being said. Instead, keep your tone relaxed and the conversation will be easier to manage.
Step 3. Avoid accusatory attitudes
Instead of putting all the blame on him, try to focus on "first person" language. Describe how you feel and what the effects of his actions have been.
For example, avoid statements like "you always forget my birthday" but start the speech with "I'm sorry if you forget my birthday"
Step 4. Use specific examples
Don't generalize too much about the things he does that hurt you, it will be harder for him to understand you and try to understand your feelings. Refer to concrete examples.
For example, avoid phrases like "you always let me solve the problems" and prefer statements like "I was upset when you let me take care of Bob this morning. It was the same last week as well."
Step 5. Let him know that you still care
He may feel intimidated if he senses that you want to break up the relationship, or your friendship, because of some mistake that until then he didn't even think he had made. Make sure it is clear from the beginning of the discussion that you still have him and are only talking to him to solve the problem, not to leave him and run away.
Step 6. Once you have spoken, wait for his motivation and react
Always try to be calm and respond appropriately. If he makes fun of you, reacts badly, belittles your point of view, or dumps his faults on you, then it could mean that this person is not as kind, mature and confident as you thought.
If it's your husband, or your boyfriend, you might want to consider getting a couple counselor to help you solve the problem. He may learn to understand and respect your feelings
Method 3 of 3: Part 3 of 3: Analyze the results
Step 1. Understand that starting a conversation by telling a man that he hurt you could easily lead to an argument
Before taking any steps, think about how you and him handle conflicts. Do you avoid discussions? Do you keep calm? Or do you get inflamed quickly? If you have different temperaments, other problems may arise.
- For example: You raise your voice because you are a little touchy, he may completely ignore you if he is a calm or evasive type.
- Even the steadfast couple may have enormous difficulty arguing whether the temperament of the two is very different. The greater the differences in how you react, the greater the extent of the problems.
Step 2. Know that men can be prouder than women
Therefore, if he feels intimidated, he may react with anger and become defensive. When men get angry they receive testosterone bursts which will amplify their aggression (yes, men are hormonal too). Women generally try to justify themselves less and tend to give up more easily.
Step 3. In case his reaction is positive don't expect him to change 100% right away
Maybe he'll need some reminders. Make sure you don't take it personally if it makes some other mistake, try to back it up. His attitude may change over time. But if it gets worse then another "conversation" will be needed. Keep in mind, however, that you are not perfect either and maybe he too might want to change something about you.
Step 4. Finally, remember that if you need to discuss something you don't have to be afraid of putting your love relationship at risk
The happiest couples are those who have understood that a relationship is not born perfect but can become one day after day, even by learning to manage problems together, and in a mature way.
Advice
- Make sure you have at least one practical example to discuss
- Stay calm during the discussion. Try to be as gentle as you can.
- Be strong but not aggressive. Do not insult and avoid shouting.
- Try telling yourself in the mirror, or a friend, what you want to say to him. Think about how you would feel in his shoes.
Warnings
- This guide is not effective in situations of physical violence but is only suitable for women who want to argue with a man (boyfriend, boyfriend, husband, boss, colleague) who has hurt them. If, on the other hand, you have been subjected to physical violence, seek only professional help from a lawyer and a doctor.
- Physical violence is not acceptable, so if this should be your case, seek immediate help from a doctor or lawyer.
- If the situation becomes problematic or violent during the confrontation, stop arguing and seek help from someone, or seek professional help.
