It is fair to say no. Sometimes there are many reasons why we should say no, as many as we should say yes, and that makes us sick. Read the following instructions to understand why it is so difficult to say no and how to learn how to do it without feeling sorry.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Principles
Step 1. Know when to say no
The two-year-olds say "no" because for them it is a new style, they understand that they can say it, that new paths for independence are opening up and it is exciting and fun. At that age, children are also selfish and carefree. However, they are right about one thing: saying "no" is fine. What differentiates the adult in the use of this word is the awareness of when it is appropriate to say it and when it is not.
- Saying "no" when you don't want to do something is fine, unless it affects your job or academic performance. On the contrary, there is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself.
- Saying "no" because you don't have time to deal with a commitment is okay. Often, some do not realize how difficult it can be to do the thing they ask for, given your daily schedule; others understand it perfectly, but they try anyway, even if they know that you will probably refuse.
- Saying "no" to a situation that makes you uncomfortable is perfectly legitimate. You never have to step out of your comfort zone to comply with someone else's wishes (except an operational soldier following orders).
- Saying "no" when they ask you to buy something is right.
Step 2. Understand why it is difficult to say "no"
There are many specific reasons why a person may find it difficult to refuse to do something, but at the base there is a common concern: what could happen in the face of a refusal. It is normal to worry about the decisions you make, but it is equally important to understand two things: first, worrying will have no effect after you make your decision; second, worry should never stop you from acting best in your interests.
No matter what the reason you are afraid to say "no", it still stems from the fear of what will happen. Will people still be with you? Are you missing out on a great opportunity? Will you appear lazy, indifferent or incompetent? Realize that you do not say "no" because you are worried, also accept the fact that anguish is not useful and above all it does not change the result
Step 3. Accept your power and your importance
Like a piece of a puzzle, you are a vital part of the landscape around you, which would be incomplete without your presence. This applies no matter where you are, whether out with friends or hiding in the house all day. The reality is that no matter who you are, your presence in the social landscape matters. Furthermore, your decisions have an impact on the environment around you. This means that you need to make honest decisions for the good of all, whether you are helping them or not.
Worrying about the consequences of your no is symptomatic of a bigger problem: the concern about the influence you have on those around you. Be aware of this influence of yours, no matter what you say or do
Step 4. Accept that the same applies to others as well
Even if people are different in personalities, opinions and attitudes, one thing unites them: their presence in the landscape just like you. It is an immutable fact of human society. So controlling and channeling your energies towards happiness is the only sensible choice you have. It's not that you have a huge and terrible influence at your disposal that no one else has: if you say "no" you are just exercising the same power that everyone around you has. How others react to your decisions is their problem, not yours.
You have every right to set limits. After all, your friends do it and people keep hanging out with them. In fact, being determined or even aggressive about what you don't want to do won't make you hate or despise you. The only attitude that could cause such a thing to happen is to treat others as "inferior". Saying "no" is not an expression of superiority but of mutual respect
Step 5. Realize that saying "no" is not cruel
By itself, it is not rude, indifferent or mean. We attribute these qualities to rejection when we say it in a rude, indifferent or mean way. There is no reason why you can firmly decline a request while remaining polite and polite; on the other hand, there is no reason to be afraid of making a bad impression by saying no, as long as you are aware of the way you say it.
In other words, once you understand that saying "no" is right, you just have to learn to do it politely
Method 2 of 2: Techniques
Step 1. Apologize clearly
The simplest way to say "no" without ruining someone's day is to have the rejection followed by a brief explanation. Contrary to popular belief, there is no need to lie or make an excuse if you don't feel like doing something, remember that everyone has found themselves in your situation at one time or another. If you don't want to do what you are asked, there is no need for many excuses, no specific, logical, concrete reasons.
- For example someone asks you out but you are not interested, the right thing to say is: "I'm sorry but I'm not interested in you right now". This is all the other person needs to know to understand that they will have no hope. There is no need to invent excuses that deceive the other person; there is no need to be rude or to insult someone to push them away.
- If your honest reason seems silly or practically inconsistent like "I really thought I was going home to take a nap" or "I just don't feel like it" the other person will understand perfectly. And if he doesn't, remember: managing his reaction is not your responsibility. Being civil is all you have to do.
- You should try this technique often. Your honesty and frankness will improve your reputation rather than damage it. If you have had trouble saying “no” to social conditioning in the past, you will be pleasantly surprised at how little, after all, people feel bad about it because you don't want to do something with them when you don't feel comfortable.
Step 2. Make a counter-proposal
Sometimes you have to decline for a good reason, but that doesn't mean you're not interested. For example, you have to work all weekend but a friend asked you to help her move on Saturday. If you want to help her but can't, propose conditions that you can manage. Tell her you can only help her for a short time, or offer to help her with a similar job when you have some free time, like organizing the kitchen or opening the boxes.
The two counter-proposals are less demanding and are so in a different way. Use this method when you don't really want to say "no" but there are reasons that are beyond your control. They are also useful when you want to say "no" but not necessarily to all the request that is made of you
Step 3. Suggest to try later
When they try to sell you something or services, it is important that you don't spend your time and money unnecessarily without necessarily upsetting the person who is offering them to you. Be clear and firm when you say "no" but continue with the promise to reconsider the offer later. This may or may not be a lie but at worst it will be a lie that doesn't hurt anyone.
- For example, to get rid of a seller with kindness you can say that the offer is not suitable for you or that you do not need it now, but that you will remember him if things change.
- This is not the right way to say "no" if you are in a position of power over someone who asks you a question (such as an employer whose employee asks if they will be hired or someone who is asked for an appointment). In these situations you have to use the basic straightforward technique as described above. It is cruel to give false hope to someone who has a lot to lose or gain from your decisions.
Step 4. Be humble
If someone wants you to take on more responsibility than you can bear, use humility to your advantage. Reject the request and explain that you are not the right person for the job. This explanation can be based on an honest motivation or you can continue to emphasize the fact that you do not have the skills and qualifications necessary to meet their requests. The method you choose will depend on the person you are talking to and your reputation.
- If you really don't want to take on more responsibility, just say it honestly.
- If the request is interesting, but you're pretty sure you're unsuitable, focus on your lack of qualifications. Make sure you aren't too hard on yourself, after all you don't want to end up feeling useless just because you're not confident in your abilities.
Step 5. Handle inquiries frankly
It's best to be civil and courteous, but sometimes, no matter what you do, people don't respect your kindness. If someone continues to try to dismantle your honest motivations and want more explanations when there is nothing to explain, it's time to be direct. The next time this person asks you something, you will have to say "no, I can't" or "no, I don't want to". There is nothing else to explain. If he asks why, answer him by asking which part of the word "no" he did not understand.
- This method will make the other person angry; however, in the rare cases where you have to use it, the other will have deserved some of his own medicine for refusing a polite "no". It is not easy to be so blunt but sometimes it is necessary for your well-being.
- The fact that the other person is angry with you does not mean that you have to stop being friends. However, these extremes are reached when nothing else seems to work.
Advice
- Be positive and kind when you say "no". It is very difficult to do this, but reassure others that you are not refusing because you have a problem with them.
- If you find yourself in a situation where saying "no" would put you in physical danger, leave and seek the help of the authorities as soon as possible. Use common sense to get to safety and don't wait when you have a chance to ask for help. No matter who you are, there will always be people who will protect you and do their best to keep you safe: friends, family, police… the list is long. Take advantage of it.
