Have you noticed that you are crying for a trifle? Does anger come over you even when it's not needed? Do you have the feeling that you are constantly nervous? Whatever feelings you are experiencing, the first thing you need to do is understand that having emotions is normal and that there is nothing "wrong" about doing it. To be able to manage your feelings, you will not have to either eliminate them or ignore them. In practice, the process that will lead you to become emotionally stronger does not differ much from the one that allows you to develop greater body strength, in both cases it is necessary to start by taking small steps, be consistent, improve your stamina and commit to maintain the results achieved.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Overcoming the Moment
Step 1. Stop what you are doing and start over with new determination
In the midst of a highly emotionally involved situation, it's really easy to get carried away by feelings. Since these are positive emotions, the result will be great, but when we talk about sadness or anxiety we could quickly lose control over the negativity. So take a break and momentarily distract yourself from the current situation, focusing only on your five senses. This way you will be able to return to the here and now, preventing the feelings of anxiety and anger from getting out of control.
- Try to take stock of your bodily reactions, without judging them in any way. For example, if you are suddenly seized with anxiety, notice the sensations transmitted by your body: "I have warm skin and a fast heartbeat, I breathe shallowly and my hands are shaking." Do not focus on these sensations, just notice them and then let them go.
- Bringing your focus back to the present moment can help you keep some "automatic reactions" in check. The brain gets used to reacting to stimuli, including those represented by emotional experiences, and immediately activates pre-established reactive patterns, manifesting for example anger or anxiety. By bringing your attention back to the present sensory experience you will be able to interrupt this circuit. With practice, the brain will turn the new behavior into a habit.
- Practicing "self-observation" means paying attention to one's awareness and mental experience, in order to untangle the many aspects that may be involved in a single situation. Often people are not aware of the many thought trajectories that form "awareness" and tend to consider emotional reactions as a mixture of feelings and sensory experiences, capable of making them feel overwhelmed. Slowing down and refocusing on the present moment, for example by focusing on what you are seeing, hearing or smelling, can help you reorganize old brain habits and teach you to see these alternate "streams of information."
Step 2. Breathe
When the body experiences intense emotion, it can manifest a "stress reaction". The resulting "fight or flight" response occurs when the sympathetic nervous system is activated by certain specific hormones, such as adrenaline. Your heart rate accelerates considerably, your breathing becomes short and labored, and your muscles become tense. Taking deep breaths can help you relax and regain peace of mind.
- Breathe with your abdomen rather than your chest. With each inhalation and exhalation, the belly should expand and then contract.
- For ease of practice, place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Sit with your back straight and chest wide open, or lie down or stand up straight. Inhale slowly and deeply through the nose. As you inhale, feel your lungs and abdomen expand. Blow the air out of your nose or mouth. Aim for 6-10 deep breaths per minute.
- Focus on your breathing, inhaling and exhaling slowly and deeply. Your body will receive the necessary oxygen, and you will also be able to distract yourself from your current emotional state.
Step 3. Smile
You may initially feel silly about smiling for no reason, continue anyway! Research has shown that smiling can actually make us feel more positive.
Smiling can help reduce stress levels. Try to smile using all the muscles in your face, not just those around your mouth. An open smile that extends to the muscles of the eyes appears much more spontaneous and natural, even to yourself, thereby increasing your positive feelings
Step 4. Use the visualization
Visualizing is a calm and relaxing experience that can help you regain control of your emotional reactions. The visualization technique may not be easy to learn, but once learned, it will help you transform stressful thoughts into easier-to-manage concepts.
- Start by choosing your "safe place". It could be any place that you can imagine as relaxing and peaceful, for example a beach, a spa, a mountaintop or any corner of the world that can give you a feeling of calm and security.
- Find a place to practice visualization. Prefer a cozy and quiet environment, where no one can interrupt you for a few minutes.
- Close your eyes and visualize yourself in your place of peace. Imagine the details. What does it look like? What is happening around you? What smells and what sounds do you feel? Do what you can to immerse yourself in your corner of tranquility.
- Take slow, deep breaths. If you feel some tense muscles, try to relax them. If you feel uncomfortable or anxious, don't judge those feelings. Just try to picture yourself in your quiet place and feel the relaxation that comes with it.
- Imagine that the negative emotion you are experiencing is a physical object. It may seem like a complex exercise at first, but don't give up on it. Visualize the unwelcome feeling as something that can be removed from your place of peace. The anger you are feeling could for example turn into a flame. Fire needs oxygen. See your anger as a flame and watch it crackle and then fade, or imagine that your feeling of stress is a stick and throw it away forcefully, imagining that even the negative emotion fades away.
Step 5. Learn to cope with stress
When you are agitated, you may find that you don't have much control over your emotions. While it is virtually impossible to eliminate all stressful things from your life, you can learn to manage the stress that comes with it. To relax in situations of high stress you can:
- Take five deep breaths. Inhale through your nose, hold the air in your lungs for a moment, then exhale through your mouth. Focusing on your breathing will help you find yourself and relax your nerves.
- Count to 10. If something stressful happens, give yourself 10 seconds to come back to your senses. To extend the duration of the count, count "one thousand one, one thousand two, etc."
- Step away from the situation. You don't have to avoid managing it, just walk away from it to breathe and evaluate the options available to you. If you are dealing with someone who is causing you tension, tell them you need a moment to think and step away for a walk.
Step 6. Learn to recognize cognitive distortions
In common situations with high emotional involvement, it is not uncommon to react in a habitual way, sometimes with rather unhealthy behaviors. Often our reactions force us to feel overwhelmed by negative feelings. Learning to recognize some common "pitfalls" will help you become emotionally stronger. Catastrophism, generalizations and thoughts that belong to the all or nothing category are among the best known cognitive distortions.
Step 7. Recognize and Challenge Catastrophism
To be catastrophic means to disproportionately magnify a truly insignificant event or experience. Thoughts follow one another and spiral out of control until they lead you to the absolute worst possible scenario. As a result, you may feel anger, sadness, or anxiety.
- For example, imagine that your partner doesn't answer a call from you. You call him back after a few minutes, but again you just talk to the answering machine. A catastrophic thought could make its way and start to grow out of all proportion: "He didn't answer the phone, he probably has it with me. I don't even know where I went wrong and since he doesn't want to talk to me I have no way to find out and get forgiven.. Maybe he just got bored of me."
- Challenge your catastrophic thoughts by not allowing the mind to jump from one reflection to another until it has examined the real facts. For example, in the case under consideration, an effective guess might be the following: "My partner didn't answer my phone, but he didn't seem angry this morning, so why should he be angry now? Anyway, I can ask him and talk about it. later to clarify any misunderstandings ". Likewise, you can remind yourself that there could be a variety of reasons why he didn't answer the phone, for example he might be busy driving or not hearing him ring.
Step 8. Recognize and Challenge Over Generalization
Generalizing means making a generic statement about a specific situation. Such behavior can lead you to formulate harmful (and incorrect) beliefs about yourself.
- For example, imagine being discarded following a job interview. The following could be a general view of what happened: "I am a loser, with my answers I have ruined everything, I will never be able to find a job".
- Challenge these kinds of thoughts by sticking to specific tests. Nothing proves that you are a "loser". Normally the reasons for not getting a certain job are enclosed in an incompatibility of skills or personality. You may have made mistakes during the interview, but you are not sure. In any case, your possible misstep would certainly not extend to all aspects of your person. Analyze the situation as precisely as possible and focus on those specific actions that you may take differently in the future: "Due to nervousness, I don't think I was able to express myself fully during the interview. Next time I will practice with a friend before meet the examiner ".
Step 9. Recognize and challenge all or nothing thoughts
This category of thoughts do not allow you to explore the many territories that are "in between" (or sometimes do not allow others). When things aren't perfect, then they are a failure. All-or-nothing thoughts can get in the way of any kind of constructive criticism and force you to feel sad or useless just for setting standards that are completely fruitless and almost impossible to achieve.
- Let's say you are on a diet. You go out for lunch with a friend and can't say no when you're offered a piece of cake. An all-or-nothing reaction will consider it a failure and could lead you to judge yourself very severely: "Because of that piece of cake I totally screwed up my diet. I knew I was never going to make it, I didn't. I just have to surrender to the evidence ".
- Challenge this type of thinking by treating yourself with understanding. Would you be just as strict in judging a friend who succumbed over a piece of cake? Probably not. So why do it with yourself? Do not look at success through a filter of either one or the other, in which only perfection allows you to achieve it. Instead, try to see it as what it really is: a process of constant evolution and change: "The fact that I ate that slice of cake didn't bring me closer to my goals, but it's not a catastrophe. I will eat only food for dinner. healthy and light to compensate ".
Part 2 of 4: Knowing and Loving Yourself
Step 1. Accept that you are vulnerable
Becoming emotionally strong doesn't mean having to turn into invulnerable people. In fact, being vulnerable is essential when you want to develop your ability to connect with others and fully know and accept yourself. Being vulnerable means being open to experiences, while at the same time accepting that our expectations may be disillusioned.
- Without vulnerability it is difficult to be open to those experiences that inevitably contain elements of uncertainty, such as love, trust and creativity.
- Try to reject perfectionism. Perfectionism is often confused with healthy ambition or the desire to excel, while actually deriving from the fear of being vulnerable and experiencing any losses or fears as a result. Perfectionism binds you to standards of an impossible nature and pretends to receive praise from others. Being vulnerable allows you to pursue success aware of the possibility of obstacles.
Step 2. Find out what your main beliefs are
To strengthen yourself emotionally, you need to learn about your thoughts about yourself and the world. Over the years you have shaped your emotional responses and developed a dense pattern of beliefs, sometimes too rigid and potentially harmful to your emotional evolution.
- Look for any beliefs that contain the words never or always. In life, most situations can be attributed to a point between two extremes. Having beliefs based on all or nothing thinking can force you to live chasing impossible standards.
- For example, evaluate your beliefs about responsibility. Are you able to show yourself responsible for your actions and behaviors? It is a healthy and profitable behavior. But do you also feel responsible for the actions and behaviors of others? This is a common mistake, dictated by a false belief. It is important to understand that the experiences of others are not your responsibility.
Step 3. Examine your "shoulds"
Psychologist Clayton Barbeau's studies of this cognitive distortion explain what happens when a person begins to think of himself in terms of duties. Often this mechanism is triggered when one compares one's actions or feelings to the standards of others. Instead of having the energy to change your behaviors in order to satisfy your values, when you say your "shoulds" you tend to feel guilty and ashamed. When a "must" thought occurs, examine the reasons that lead you to believe that you "must" do this or that.
- For example, if you intend to go on a diet because you feel you "must" lose weight, think about why you "must". Do you want to reach a specific state of health? Was it recommended to you by your doctor? Do you want to have a certain look? Or do you feel you "need" to lose weight because driven by the looks or behavior of others?
- Society often conditions us with multiple "shoulds," which we feel we have to conform to: "You should look like those who appear in magazines. You should fit in a specific size of pants. You should or may not have an intense sex life. You should be happy.. You should be a "good" partner / parent / sibling / student / employee / employer, etc. " Giving in to pressure from others rather than acting for your own good by aligning yourself with your values can force you to feel emotionally overwhelmed.
Step 4. Practice self-compassion
Sometimes, due to the predominance of fears over other thoughts, people feel emotionally weak, and undeserving of being loved, accepted, and happy. As a result they feel more anxious ("Will others accept me?") And depressed ("I'm worth nothing"). Practicing self-compassion will allow you to learn to love and accept yourself, strengthening yourself and also simplifying your emotional interactions. According to psychologists, self-compassion involves three elements: self-righteousness, a sense of humanity and awareness.
Step 5. Practice self-respect
That is the exact opposite of self-criticism. We are often induced to seek perfection, and to believe that, if it is not achieved, the result obtained can be said to be a failure. Learn to see yourself (and others) as an ever-changing process. Research has also shown that pursuing perfection can hinder us from actually achieving our goals.
Emotional strength comes from showing yourself the same understanding you give others. In all likelihood, when faced with the mistake of a good friend, you would be able to recognize the wrongdoing without ceasing to be understanding and ready to forgive. Make a commitment to give yourself the same treatment
Step 6. Recognize the sense of humanity
This is the exact opposite of self-isolation. It is easy to believe that you are the only one who has suffered from your mistakes and life experiences, and to convince yourself that the pain of others has never been as intense. But if you want to face your steps by showing yourself less critical of yourself, you must learn to exercise your sense of humanity, recognizing that pain and suffering are an integral part of human life.
- Indulging in a negative internal dialogue capable of isolating you from the rest of people, thinking for example "No one will ever care about me because I am a complete failure" will only instill erroneous beliefs. First of all, making a mistake does not at all mean failing in every aspect of life. Such dialogue also does not express an important concept: everyone makes mistakes from time to time, and unfairly locks you into higher standards than anyone else.
- So try to reformulate your internal dialogue: "I have not reached that goal I set myself, but I do not give up, anyone, from time to time, faces setbacks, including me".
Step 7. Practice Mindfulness
Being aware is the opposite of being self-centered. Instead of staying in a cycle of denial or focusing on negative emotions, assuming a conscious attitude you will be able to recognize and accept every feeling experienced, without judgment.
- For example, if the thought "I'm really ugly so no one will ever want to go out with me" frequently pops into your mind, try to rephrase it through a conscious view: "I'm thinking I'm not attractive, but I don't mean to give weight to this thought, it is only one of the many we have had today ".
- Alternatively, experiment with mindful meditation. This type of meditation focuses on being "present unconditionally," which is to be constantly alert and accepting the here and now without reservation. Practicing it can help you relieve anxiety and be more aware of everything that happens inside you.
- The Mindful Awareness Research Center of the University of California makes free guided meditations available to anyone who knows the English language, allowing them to be downloaded directly from the web. Several sessions of different lengths are available, organized according to multiple topics: body awareness, sleep preparation, etc. In addition, you can search through the apps available on your mobile device, many of which offer short guided meditations.
Step 8. Identify your "best self"
Numerous researches have confirmed that the visualization of our "best self" is able to give rise to feelings of positivity and well-being. Identify your best self possible through two main actions: imagining the "future" you who have already achieved your goals and analyzing what are the characteristics, recently developed or already in your possession, that have allowed him to cross that goal.
- Start by imagining a time in the future when you will be the "yourself" you aspire to. Evaluate what are the most significant changes you have had to make (it is important to visualize the yourself you really want to transform yourself into, leaving out any "shoulds" and not giving weight to what others want for you).
- Visualize your best self in a positive light. Imagine every detail of the situation. You may find it helpful to think in terms of: milestones, goals, or basic desires. For example, if your best self plays the role of a successful entrepreneur, visualize what sets them apart. How many employees do you have? What kind of boss are you? How much time do you spend on work? What do you sell or create?
- Write down the details of your view. What characterizes your best self within the scenario just imagined? Seeing yourself as an entrepreneur will likely need you to have creative and problem-solving skills, have good social contacts, and be able to show determination.
- Think about those skills you already have. You might be surprised how many there are! Then analyze which aspects still need to be developed. Imagine how you can improve those skills.
- It is important that this exercise does not turn into an act of self-criticism. Don't judge yourself for who you are right now! Your goal is to visualize yourself as the one you intend to become.
Step 9. Don't take things personally
You cannot control the thoughts or actions of others, but you can have control over your relative reactions. Remember that, most of the time, the words or gestures of others have nothing to do with you, and only concern themselves and their personal projection of reality. Taking things personally means giving the outside world vast and dangerous power over ourselves.
- "Personalization" is a widespread cognitive distortion. It manifests itself every time we interpret an event as something direct to our person. As a result we are led to believe that everyone "has it" with us and to be pushed to take on responsibilities that do not really belong to us.
- For example, if someone cuts your way in traffic, you can choose to take it personally and fret over the driver's arrogance. Or you can interpret what happened as your fault, as you "allowed" it to happen. Both of these reactions involve harmful personalization. Reacting correctly means realizing that you have no control over the driver's behavior, and that you cannot know the causes. Maybe he's had a bad day, and right now he only cares about his own feelings. You are not the cause of his behavior.
- While not taking things personally does not exclude feeling hurt by the words of others, in order to avoid an immediate negative reaction, it is always good to refuse to personalize situations.
Part 3 of 4: Establish and Follow Healthy Habits
Step 1. Start the day by saying self-affirmations
The first few times you may feel silly, but with practice you will find that you are able to show more understanding towards yourself. As you brush your teeth to prepare to go out, repeat a mantra that you consider significant and that expresses kindness to you.
- For example, you might say something like, "Today I choose to accept myself as I am" or "I love myself completely."
- If you feel that some of your characteristics require special attention, for example because you suffer from anxiety or find it difficult to love your appearance, focus your self-affirmations to that end. You can try to fight anxiety with the following statement: "Today I'll do my best, I can't do more than this, I don't have control over the actions of others." If you have trouble accepting your body, look for a positive trait to focus on: "Today I will be kind to my body because I deserve kindness" or "Today I look healthy and happy".
Step 2. Believe in yourself
Trust is the key to becoming emotionally stronger. Believing that you are a fantastic, beautiful and bright individual will allow you to gain more control over your emotions. When something bad happens, remind yourself that you have the ability to overcome that obstacle, whatever it is.
- Remember that even the worst challenges can be important sources of teaching. Think back to the past and all the occasions in which you have been able to overcome obstacles, you will realize that you can do it again and learn how to draw strength and courage.
- List the things you like about yourself. Include for example your skills, your strengths, the goals you have achieved… everything. Don't underestimate your skills and qualities. If you're having trouble making your list, ask a friend for help. He will likely be able to recognize many of your talents that you tend to overlook.
- Challenge yourself sensibly. For example, learn how to cook a meal for friends or do some new yoga poses, or take an art photography class. If you love to train outdoors, try running 8-15 kilometers. Once you've achieved your goal, celebrate! Honor your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem to you.
- Do not compare yourself to others, it will only harm the confidence you have in yourself. You are a unique person. The only approval you should seek is your own. Set yourself goals by following your interests only, without worrying about what others are doing or what they think is right for you.
Step 3. Take care of your physical health
Your physical health can directly affect your emotional health and vice versa. By taking care of it, you can more easily keep your stress levels under control and feel fitter, managing your emotions better.
Exercise is an important part of being emotionally healthy. When you move, your body releases endorphins that can make you happy. The next time you feel upset, go for a walk, a run, or go to the gym. Research has shown that moderate but regular exercise can make us feel calmer and happier
Step 4. Enhance your emotional energy
By focusing on positive emotions, such as compassion and gratitude, you can be able to develop your emotional strength. Thanks to an attitude full of gratitude and compassion, you will be able to realize that you are not the only one suffering from certain fears and anxieties. As a result, you will be able to show greater kindness towards yourself and towards others.
- Research confirms that those who practice gratitude consistently are able to be more flexible in dealing with trauma. Being grateful will allow you to reinterpret the sufferings and obstacles and to start considering them as formative experiences, thanks to which the person you are currently exists. Gratitude will also keep you from judging others.
- Feeling gratitude goes beyond feeling grateful. Often we are not in control of the feelings that pervade us and, in trying to dominate them, we end up feeling overwhelmed by them. Feeling gratitude is an effective exercise that trains us to recognize and savor the positive. Start keeping a gratitude journal, learn to give thanks through your prayers, and pause to savor the positive experiences to learn how to be more grateful each day.
Step 5. Train empathy
Showing empathy towards others can help you develop healthier and stronger interpersonal relationships. It also allows you to manage your emotions and feelings in a healthier way.
- Research shows that the meditative practice of "loving-kindness" or "compassion" can help train the "muscles" of empathy. Compassion meditation, in addition to improving our feelings towards others, reduces the symptoms of depression, this is a proven fact. There are many ways to practice compassion meditation, many of which stem from Buddhist traditions.
- Dedicate yourself to reading novels. Imagination allows you to experience emotions and feelings that are sometimes never experienced before. Some research suggests that reading novels can improve one's empathic skills.
- Avoid jumping to conclusions. It is well known that when we think in terms of someone else's "merit", we tend to feel little empathy. Try not to make assumptions about what others "deserve" or about the responsibility they hold for their suffering. Be equally compassionate with yourself. We are all human beings.
Step 6. Learn to accept uncertainty
Unpredictability can be scary and cause various emotional imbalances. Being unable to live in uncertainty can make us constantly worried, push us to avoid certain situations and make us overly dependent on the reassurance of others. Unpredictability is inevitable in human life, by learning to accept it you will become emotionally stronger.
- Being "intolerant of uncertainty" exposes us to anxiety. A low uncertainty tolerance prevents you from accepting that something can go wrong. You may be prompted to continually ask yourself "what if" or to overestimate the risks and consequences of a negative situation or event, worrying yourself until you wear yourself out.
- In those moments when you feel anxious or assailed by uncertainty, write about your feelings in a journal. Write down as much detail as possible, analyzing what are the causes that triggered these emotions. What were your reactions?
- Classify your uncertainties. Try to categorize what makes you uncomfortable or anxious using a scale between 0 and 10. For example "go shopping without making a list" could be rated as a 2, while "delegate a work project" like an 8 or a 9.
- Learn to tolerate uncertainty. Start by taking baby steps. Expose yourself to safe and easily manageable situations that allow you to begin to govern your fears. For example, if you always go to the same and only restaurant for fear of not enjoying the food elsewhere, try going somewhere new and ordering something you've never tasted before. You may not like the new recipes, but they will allow you to prove to yourself that you are able to accept an uncertain result. Gradually you can begin to face situations of greater unpredictability.
- Record your reactions. When you experience something new, notice what happens. How did you respond to the event? What sensations did you feel in the meantime? What results have you achieved? When things didn't go the way you expected (it will), how did you behave? Were you able to handle unexpected situations?
Step 7. Don't ruminate
Often, when emotions arrive, and especially in cases of sadness or anger, we tend to respond with excessive reflection. Ruminating means being obsessed with events, thinking and rethinking a particular feeling, situation or thought. When we mull over we turn into a broken record that keeps playing the same 5 seconds of a song. Ruminating can prevent us from being able to find a solution to a problem and trap us in a cycle of negative thoughts that can cause stress and depression.
Perfectionism can cause you to ruminate. Likewise, an "excessive relational focus" can lead you to overestimate a relationship to the point of pushing you to do everything to keep it in place, even if it is actually harmful or burdensome
Step 8. Replace negative thoughts with more productive ones
When you ruminate, you get trapped by a small number of harmful thoughts. Rather than allowing your mind to analyze them again and again, learn to challenge those thoughts by reframing them in positive terms.
- For example, if you recently ended a romantic relationship, you may be prone to mulling over everything that went wrong. By exaggerating such thoughts, you may come to feel mistakenly guilty about what happened. You may find yourself wondering what would have happened if you had behaved differently, risking feeling like a failure and convincing yourself that you are unable to do anything right.
- Instead, try focusing on realistic and productive thoughts. For example: "My relationship with B is over, I wish things were different, but I will still have the opportunity to have a new, much healthier relationship with another person. I will treasure what the past has taught me to develop a stronger relationship in the future ".
Step 9. Make a commitment to solve problems
When we ruminate we often dwell on abstract and unanswerable questions, such as "Why does this always happen to me?" or "What's wrong with me?"… instead of focusing on ideas that are too broad and vague, often not very accurate, try to find specific solutions to the problem.
- For example, if you are facing problems at work, list specific actions that will improve the situation. If you can't find a solution on your own, ask a friend or someone you trust for help.
- Let's look at another example: Maybe you feel frustrated because your relationships always seem to end the same way. Pause to think about the traits you usually look for in a person. What kind of people are you attracted to? What is your role normally in a relationship? And which one of your partner? What are the behaviors that repeat themselves and how do they relate to the way your relationships end?
Step 10. Learn to communicate clearly
When you are feeling emotionally weak, being able to share and express your feelings, needs and thoughts may not be easy. Learn to be assertive to make sure your needs and requirements are communicated clearly. The direct consequence could be greater self-confidence.
- Being assertive is very different from being arrogant. Being assertive about your feelings doesn't mean neglecting the feelings of others. In fact, you care about others' needs and emotions, as well as your own. By establishing communication based on mutual respect and openness, you will become a better communicator.
- Often arrogant people base their strength and confidence on external factors, for example on the judgment received from others, consequently they are led to give higher priority to their own feelings than those of others. Being assertive means knowing that you are worth, regardless of what others think. Only in this way can you express your feelings honestly, openly and respectfully, without fearing the judgment of others.
- Use first-person statements. They will allow you to welcome your emotions more clearly and not blame those around you. For example, if your partner forgets your birthday, don't assume they don't love you and don't react based on that assumption. Express your feelings by making a statement in the first person: "When you forgot my birthday, I felt hurt. I'd like to talk about what happened." Instead of blaming your interlocutor by forcing him on the defensive, you will express your feelings by inviting him to do the same.
Step 11. Pretend the change until you really feel it
Waiting for a change in your emotional life could be quite long. Practice acting as if you have already made progress. Learning to tolerate discomfort and uncertainty through new ways of thinking and acting means taking giant steps on the road to becoming emotionally stronger.
For example, if you feel sad and isolated due to your shyness and your inability to make new acquaintances, choose to change your behavior. You may not initially "feel like" to go out or take the first step in approaching a person, but with practice you will feel more and more confident. During the whole process, don't forget that your goal is to get stronger and healthier
Step 12. Seek professional support
It is not at all true that therapy is only for those who have problems so "serious" that they have no other options. Through effective techniques, a therapist can help you understand and process your emotions, allowing you to become a stronger and healthier person.
- As a rule, psychiatrists are the only therapists qualified to prescribe drugs, sometimes in combination with psychological support. Psychologists and psychotherapists instead offer psychological counseling.
- Talk to your doctor and analyze the costs and details of the different possibilities available to you.
Part 4 of 4: Overcoming Difficult Times
Step 1. Stop shying away from emotions
Avoiding them may provide you with temporary relief, but in the long run, ignoring or denying your feelings will do more harm than good. Research shows that cancer patients who refuse to process their emotions aggravate much faster than others. Let's see some examples of rejection of emotions:
- Always be busy in order not to have time to reflect on the problem.
- Deny the existence of the problem.
- Ignore the problem or refuse to talk about it.
- Using distractions to feel better (TV, alcohol, food, betting, etc.).
- Focus on the worst possible scenario.
Step 2. Find out how emotions are processed following trauma
The feelings related to what happened can be extremely painful and figuring out where it is best to start processing them can seem really complicated. In order to embark on the path of their own healing, each individual needs to go through four emotional stages.
- "Breakdown of the circuit". This phase occurs soon after the trauma and is sometimes described as a "state of shock". When the body is overloaded, for example by a traumatic event, its system shuts down and the brain slows down in about 50-90% of its functionality. Other organs can also experience temporary disruptions, causing symptoms such as insomnia or migraines. Even different symptoms, already present but dormant, such as acne and arthritis, could be aggravated.
- "Return to feelings". Once the initial shock has passed, after a period of time that varies from individual to individual, emotions will begin to make their way again, sometimes gradually, others suddenly. You may experience intense emotional swings, with changes occurring from one day or from one moment to the next.
- "Constructive action". This phase is strongly connected to the previous one, it is therefore difficult to separate them. By getting back in touch with your emotions, you will want to take action to regain control and you will often feel the need to take meaningful actions. For example, after being in an abusive relationship, you may want to work as a volunteer at the women's aid center in your city. Performing gestures that you consider important will counteract the sense of helplessness or lack of control that often underlies emotional fragility.
- "Reintegration". This phase can only follow the previous three. At this point you will get in touch with your emotions and your values and you will learn to live in accordance with your principles (honesty, compassion, assertiveness, etc.).
Step 3. Process your feelings
To this end, it is important to be able to express them to another person. However, this does not mean simply telling one's own experience. Sometimes people tend to describe their difficulties or traumas with a lot of detachment, as if they were talking about what happened to someone else, but such a disconnection prevents them from carrying out a real process of emotions.
- Mindfulness techniques can help you stay in the here and now as you discuss a difficult or traumatic event. Practicing them will allow you to find an emotional balance and to be able to remain strong and stable while you speak, also preventing you from starting to brood or to let yourself be "obsessed" by a particular feeling or emotion. Mindfulness techniques are able to reduce the symptoms of anxiety and depression, simplifying the process of analyzing and managing feelings. See Method 1 for how to practice mindfulness techniques.
- Many treatments for PTSD, for example, encourage patients to recall the trauma in a controlled way, to help them process the feelings it may have caused.
- For some people, talking to friends or family may be enough, while others may need the support of a mental health professional. There is no reason to be ashamed! Therapists exist precisely to provide help and to allow their patients to open up sincerely.
Step 4. Express yourself
It has been shown that, in difficult moments in life, it is very useful to express one's personality through art, music, dance, writing or dialogue. By getting in touch with your emotions you will be encouraged to explore and understand them.
- Focus on activities that make you feel calm and relaxed. Exploring negative emotions in a safe and positive environment will help you process them and move on.
- If you are not feeling creative or are not sure how to express your emotions through art or a hobby, you can turn to an art therapy or expressive psychotherapy professional, at least initially. Search for it.
Step 5. Form and use a support net
Trying to manage trauma or stress on your own can make you feel overwhelmed. Research has repeatedly shown that social and personal support can promote healing. Talking to a support group or talking to friends or family, a therapist, or a member of your religious community is a great way to get outside support.
Seek help from those who know how to accept you as you are. When something emotionally upsets you, the last thing you need is to show yourself vulnerable to someone who is ready to judge you. Trust someone you trust, and who knows how to offer you unconditional love and support
Step 6. Learn from the past
When you think about your past experiences, learn to see them for what they really are: learning opportunities and opportunities to increase your strength. Even the most stressful and difficult events can develop your emotional flexibility allowing you to react more effectively in the future. Here are some questions you should ask yourself:
- What are the experiences or events that cause me the most stress?
- How do I react on the occasion of such experiences?
- How have these categories of trauma influenced me?
- Speaking of these experiences, what have they allowed me to learn about myself and my interactions with others?
- Would it be useful for me to help someone else process similar events?
- How have I managed to overcome obstacles in the past?
- Which of my past behaviors can help me overcome future obstacles as well?
