Here we go again - you need to convince your parents again about something they might disapprove of. While the odds may not all be on your side, you can take some steps to make them more favorable.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Face the Conversation
Step 1. Decide what you want your parents to do
You need to know exactly what you want to get out of the conversation. Would you like permission to go dancing? Do you want to go to bed later? Do you want to go out to dinner with your parents? Think about the outcome you intend to achieve from the conversation.
Step 2. Write what you want to say
Writing can help. Make sure you write down all the important details. The details will help you answer the questions and this will reassure your parents.
For example, if you want to sleep at a friend's house, you will need to know if her parents are there, what time you will have to go, what to bring and when your parents will be able to pick you up. It may be helpful to have the phone number of your friend's parents so your parents can call them
Step 3. Choose the right place and time
There is no need to have a conversation with your parents when they are busy. Choose a time when they can talk calmly with you. It should be a time when you can get their full attention. If you can't find the right opportunity, ask your parents what would be the ideal time for them.
Step 4. Start talking
If you keep beating around the bush, you will only feel more awkward. As soon as you are with both parents, simply state what you have to say.
- For example, you might start by saying, “I would like to discuss a topic with you and I hope you approach it with an open mind. Saturday night I'd like to go dancing”.
- If you really can't say it right away, you can start the conversation with another topic, as long as you come to the point.
Step 5. Point out their benefit
An effective way to get someone to do something is to tell them what they would gain from it. Think about how your parents could benefit from what you would like to do and point it out.
- For example, if you're trying to get your parents' permission to spend a night out, you might say, "Plus, you have the house to yourself!"
- Another example is naming their favorite dishes if you're trying to get them to go out for dinner.
Step 6. Tell the truth
If you try to lie or hide the truth and your parents find out, they won't trust you in the future. They also know you pretty well, so they are likely to notice if you lie.
Step 7. Speak in first person
You may be tempted to blame your parents; most people do this when they have serious discussions. However, you should stay focused on what you feel or think, not on what you have to blame the parents for.
In other words, use "I" instead of "you" or "you". Say "I feel sad when I can't go out while my friends can" and not "You are bad because you don't give me permission to go out with friends". The second version puts parents on the defensive, while the first version simply expresses how you feel
Step 8. Support your claims
If you can, add some details to support what you say. As mentioned above, it is important to know the specifics of the place you want to go. However, it is equally important to mention the details in other conversations as well. Having someone with more authority than you to support you, such as the parents of a friend, teacher, or researcher through an article, can help convince your parents.
For example, if you are trying to convince your parents that you should be in a band, you could show them articles that demonstrate how music helps them do better at math. You might say, “As my studies show, being in a band can help me get better grades in math. I leave you these articles so you can read them"
Step 9. Listen to your parents
If you're trying to get your parents to do something they don't approve of, hearing their reasons might help. Your parents may have good reasons for this. For your part, you could take care of these problems by looking for solutions.
Step 10. Be polite
It is important that you address your parents with kindness. Getting angry or agitated will not convince them of anything. On the contrary, it will make you look immature.
Method 2 of 3: Move on
Step 1. Discuss a possible solution
To find a solution, you will probably have to compromise. Your parents should give in on some points and so should you. If all of you are willing to meet you on some aspects, you can find a solution that works for everyone.
- When trying to compromise, you will need to think about what you and your parents want or need. For example, your parents care more about your safety and well-being. On the other hand, you may be more interested in getting what you want, like being a little more independent.
- Suppose you want to sleep at a friend's house. Your parents may object because they don't know his parents and therefore don't know if you will be safe or not. You can compromise by arranging a meeting so your parents can get to know his parents. So when you go to spend the night at their home, you can allow your parents to contact you from time to time to make sure you are okay. By doing this, you will both feel a little more comfortable with what you want.
- However, your parents may refuse if they think you're unsafe, so keep this in mind when trying to compromise.
Step 2. Accept their decision
You don't necessarily get what you want. Your arguments may not convince your parents. If so, the best thing to do is accept their decision for now. You may try again in the future. If you cry and complain right away, you will only appear less credible in the eyes of your parents.
Step 3. Keep talking
One way to help your parents understand how you feel about the subject is to discuss your feelings and thoughts openly with them. This does not mean that you have to constantly pester them to change their minds. On the contrary, you will have to maintain a relaxed dialogue about what you hear.
For example, if you're trying to get your parents to let you hang out more, don't say "You're bad, you need to change this decision of yours." Instead, say something like this: "I know you want to protect me, but I really feel left out when my friends go out without me. I don't want to go to the disco or get drunk. My friends like to get together to go for a pizza or see a movie together and I don't think there's anything wrong with that."
Method 3 of 3: Gain More Trust From Your Parents
Step 1. Be trustworthy
Be on time and keep your promises. Take responsibility around the house. These are the little things that will help you gain more trust from your parents, who in turn may be more inclined to say "yes" in the future.
- One way to build trust is to tell the truth. When you don't, your parents might find out and then they wouldn't trust you anymore.
- Another way to gain trust is to keep your word. This involves going home at the appointed time, being where you say you are going and doing your homework when you promise to do it. These are all little things that help make you a trustworthy person.
Step 2. Apologize when you betray parental trust
Your parents will tell you if you have betrayed their trust. It usually happens when you do something wrong in a situation where they believed you would behave as you promised, without needing them to control you. For example, if they trust you when you say you go to a friend's house and you go to a party instead, then you have betrayed their trust.
When you realize you've been in trouble, try saying, “I'm so sorry I betrayed your trust. I understand that I have committed a more serious infringement because you had granted me more freedom. What can I do to remedy?"
Step 3. Prioritize needs and wants
Needs are what you need to live, like a house, clothes and food. They also include basic elements like happiness, support from family and friends. Desires are completions to needs. Examples of wishes are a new dress that you like or go out with friends on the weekend while seeing them often on other days.
- The fact that something is a desire and not a need does not mean that you should not fulfill it. However, you need to determine which wishes are most important. Maybe going out with a friend one weekend is more important than going out dancing the next Saturday. By understanding what you want most, you can have a more constructive conversation with your parents.
- When trying to establish what is most important to you, think about what would sadden you most not to do or not to have: that thing in particular is what is most important to you.
Step 4. Choose what to insist on
Just as your parents have to do their math well when it comes to what to allow you to do, so too must you decide on what to get your parents to let you do. If you insist on everything, your parents are more likely to refuse and say "no". Try to pick a thing or two that you really want, so you don't find yourself in the situation where you've already asked them ten more things in the same week. This will help your parents a lot to understand that a certain topic or request is really important to you.
For example, you might say, “I've thought a lot about what's most important to me. I understand that you don't want me to sleep at my friend's house, but how about going together for a coffee? You could leave me there if you feel safer”
Advice
- Simplify. Get to the point and eliminate any vague or ambiguous aspects.
- Do not keep adding details that you think will help you with your request after having talked about it. Sometimes parents might perceive it as a nuisance and the extra details would end up weakening your arguments. To have a solid topic, focus your speech in a single moment rather than breaking it down over several days. Talk to a parent, like your mom, then say something like “I'll let you talk to dad about it later” and then make her some coffee.
- Ask your parents why they don't want you to have or do what you asked for. Illustrate how you can both get what you want. Don't force them and stay calm.
