You certainly love your mother very much, but at the same time you recognize that sometimes she also gets on your nerves. The relationship with her can be fluctuating: sometimes the relationship is happy and fulfilling, other times you have the feeling that you are mistreated or mortified. If you have a hard time getting along with your mother, keep in mind that even if you can't change her, you have the opportunity to change the way you interact with her.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Dealing with Disagreements
Step 1. Take the initiative
You probably expect her to approach you, but don't be afraid to do it first. It is possible that she wants to take the first step, but she doesn't know how to take you or maybe she too fears rejection. If you keep waiting for him to make the first move, don't be surprised if your relationship doesn't progress.
Before you act, decide what you want to talk about and how you intend to discuss it. Tackle the issue with the spirit of someone who wants to find a solution, not by making accusations
Step 2. Remove the fear
Instead of harboring anger and fear, realize that there is no need to react in this way. Ask yourself: "What can I do to defuse the situation?". It is not your job to manage your mother's emotions or to make her anger or frustration your problem.
Recognize your state of mind without projecting it onto your mother by saying, "You are the one who is nervous."
Step 3. Make a choice
If your mother presses you to make a decision or leads you to believe you have no alternative, put your cards on the table. Remember that you always have a choice, no matter how helpless others make you feel. When you reach the point of no return, stop and don't give in.
You tell your mother that you have a choice and that it is up to you to make it. Thank her for her point of view, but feel free to decide for yourself
Step 4. Forgive
Don't suppress resentment. Forgiveness does not mean excusing the behavior of others, pretending that nothing has happened or letting people act undisturbed. In your case, forgiveness allows you to free yourself from the idea of holding on to resentment or more negative feelings towards your mother. The sooner you can forgive, the sooner you will begin to undo the damage caused.
Part 2 of 4: Handling Special Situations
Step 1. Block his attempts to control your decisions
Your mother may try to control your life, who you hang out with, where you go or how you do certain things. He can try to import the way he does in every respect and show his utter dissatisfaction when you go against his will. If you want to make your own decisions without suffering his reactions, be firm. When making a choice, don't let their opinions interfere with your decisions.
- For example, if you are buying something, tell her, "It suits my needs and that's what I need."
- If you are intent on something that, in his opinion, should be done differently, point out: "I'll do it this way, because I prefer it that way."
Step 2. Ignore his criticisms
Remember that your mother can be as wrong as you can. When she is ready to criticize your boyfriend, your way of living or looking after your children, try to admit that you are doing your best and that you will probably make mistakes. If he points out one of your flaws, you can perfectly recognize it: "Yes, Mom, I was wrong. The important thing is that I have understood the lesson". A brief comment can put an end to the matter.
- When she criticizes you, respond by saying, "Thank you for your contribution, Mom. I'm doing my best to handle the situation."
- If his notes are bothering you, you should discuss it: "I don't know if you realize, but I have the impression that you criticize me too often. I really want to have a relationship with you, but it's difficult when it seems to me that you want to criticize the way I lead my life ".
Step 3. Learn to manage his anxiety
Don't forget that parenting is a complicated task and that no one chooses to suffer from anxiety. That said, it can be annoying and frustrating to suffer from a mother's anxiety. Remember not to blame her for her anxiety. It is not pleasant to have this feeling.
- Talk to your mom and let her know how you feel. You might say to her, "I don't like it when you worry too much about me. It seems to me that you don't trust me."
- If you suspect your mother has an anxiety disorder, gently talk to her about your doubt to encourage her to ask for help: "Mom, I've noticed how worried you are. I wish you knew what it feels like to fully enjoy life, so I believe. that psychotherapy can help you ".
Step 4. Manage his overprotective behavior
When you were a child, you had no choice but to obey your parents. However, as you grew up, you gained more control over your life, if you clearly set out to win this right. Your mother may not be happy with all of this, but ask yourself: "Am I in control of my life or is my mother in charge of it?" You can't put yourself in your mother's domain and indulge her at the same time. If you change the way you interact with her, there is a risk that she will get nervous because she will no longer be able to control you as she would like.
- It is up to you to decide whether to let yourself be influenced and controlled by her or to set limits.
- If it bothers you that she calls you multiple times a day, choose whether or not to answer her on the phone. If you're not so happy about talking to her that often, decide not to answer her phone calls and know that even if your behavior may be against her, you should stay in control of your life.
- Consider telling her, "Mom, I want to be a responsible and enterprising adult, so I'd like to do it on my own. I want your support as I grow and become more mature and independent."
Part 3 of 4: Improving the Relationship
Step 1. Learn to accept
Realize that no matter all your efforts, you cannot change either your mother or her behavior. You may need to find a way to accept his presence, your relationship, or his quirks. Learn to accept it with all its qualities, positive and negative.
If you believe it is your job to change her so that your younger siblings lead a better life, realize that it is very unlikely that you will be able to influence her to change her behavior. It is not your job
Step 2. Check your contacts with her
While it is more difficult to manage your contacts if you live together, it can be helpful to set limits when visiting her if you live far away from her. Instead of visiting her or inviting her to your home, propose that she meet you in neutral territory. If you see each other in a public place, you will be able to say goodbye and end the conversation more easily as it is inappropriate to go on a rampage or misbehave around people.
If you don't like the idea of your mom coming to see you because you're afraid she might criticize your style or your cleaning standards, don't invite her. If she shows up without warning, tell her you don't accept such behavior
Step 3. Put yourself in his shoes
Your mother is likely to have a hard time understanding what you want and need because she has little empathy. Ask yourself why he treats you this way, but keep in mind that his behavior may be because he doesn't understand your mood when he talks to you and interacts with you. Even though the natural reaction would be to reject or avoid her, try to be more loving towards her. Treat her as you would like to be treated by her: empathize with her situation.
When you want to vent your anger or frustration, stop and respond gently and lovingly
Step 4. Try to have realistic expectations
When you were a child, you needed attention, love and advice. If your mother disappoints you, the memory of that disappointment can become indelible and you may be inclined to blame her for not meeting your needs. Therefore, try to have realistic expectations in your relationship, without putting it on a pedestal. Sometimes, it can be hard to accept this, but think that a mother is also a human being, so she can make mistakes or not consider a child's needs.
You could discuss your relationship with her. Perhaps she expects to see you three times a week when, on the other hand, you only want to meet her once a week. By knowing your mutual expectations and to what extent they differ, you will be able to relieve some of the stress associated with your relationships
Part 4 of 4: Changing Your Behavior and Your Way of Thinking
Step 1. Focus on what you are feeling
Instead of blaming your mother and making accusations (albeit true), think about what you are feeling and how she is affecting you. You can't change their behavior, but you can change the way you react to them and how you feel. Even if she doesn't care about your state of mind, by now you will have created emotional limits that will allow you to show her that she is overcoming them.
Instead of saying "You are cruel", try to explain the concept to her: "I feel really bad when you talk to me like that."
Step 2. Change your behavior
Sure, his behavior will make you lose your mind, but remember you can't change it. What you can change is your attitude. If you tend to be furious when arguing, try to respond differently, calmly or without being affected by his anger. See if, by putting yourself differently, you can get some results in your relationship and in the attitude he has towards you.
If your mother constantly criticizes your lack of commitment to something (for example, when you have to put the dishes away), see how she reacts when you complete this task on time and with precision
Step 3. Set specific limits
You should set physical and emotional boundaries in your relationship with your mother. It's probably time to go live on your own or see less of yourself. Try to stop coming to you without warning or cleaning up for you. Between emotional limitations, consider not deviating from how you would like to be treated. You could say to her, "I want to have a relationship with you, but when you criticize me, I have to go away because I don't think it's healthy."
You should clearly communicate what the limitations are in your relationship. Tell her, "I don't want you to come into my room when I'm not at home. I hope you'll respect my need for privacy."
Step 4. Accept that you disagree
You risk fighting and struggling unnecessarily if you do not realize that on certain topics you do not think the same way: you could have differences on religion, sentimental choices, marriage, childcare or career choices. Learn to respectfully listen to their views and then change the subject. Accept that there are fundamental issues that you will not agree on and leave it as it is.
Don't make a decision just to please your mother when she doesn't make you happy. Ask yourself, "Is it worth it?"
Step 5. Reduce contacts
If you feel unable to improve the situation and her presence in your life seems too cumbersome, it's probably time to take a break or cut ties with her. If you are suffering physically and emotionally from your relationship with your mother, consider what options you have. Keep in mind that moving away from her is a drastic choice and that, therefore, you must consider her carefully. If your mother hurts or treats you badly, you don't need to see her or give her your time.
- Cut down on meetings and consider communicating with her by phone or email.
- Ultimately, do what's best for you. Put health and happiness first.
Advice
- If interacting with your mother is unnerving, find ways to relieve the stress. Physical activity, a journal, or someone to talk to can be helpful in relieving built-up tension.
- Regardless of your mother's frustrations, avoid using alcohol and drugs.
