We don't choose our parents. If you live in a family with an abusive, weak, or disturbed mother, you can take some steps to protect yourself and your siblings. Remember that you are the only one who can build a happy and rewarding life for yourself.
Steps
Step 1. Create a gimmick to give your life the prospects it needs
It is important to do this by writing and not by talking to someone about it. This you will do at a later stage. Start writing in a journal or blog but make sure your mom can't read it. The goal is to heal, get stronger, and remove all life-intoxicating behaviors, not hurting your mother.
Step 2. Think carefully and make very detailed lists about your mother
Why is he so unhappy? What were his parents and family like? What are his broken dreams and frustrations? How can you break a chain by not becoming like her? What hopes do you have for yourself and for yourself? For your brothers and / or sisters? What do you expect from her and your behavior?
Step 3. Try to distance yourself - this is the hardest part but you definitely need to take this step
Imagine you are from another planet and observe the dialogues and patterns of destructive behavior. What are the triggers? How do you respond to his nervous breakdowns? Write all your observations in the journal. Start with your behavior towards him. Jot down excerpts from your emotional conversations and reread them. Are you somehow fueling his behavior in some way or are you putting fuel on the fire? If the answer is yes, stop immediately.
Step 4. Find out when and how unpleasant conversations or arguments with her begin
Write down the highlights. Do they occur every time you open your mouth or only when someone in particular is around? What are the triggers? Self-awareness is power. Your brother and sister can help you but you must first help yourself to help them.
Step 5. Know that your mother's aggression towards you or her preferring one sibling to another has to do with her lack of success as a person
He may be aware or unaware of how harmful his attitude is. Emotional behavior is the hardest thing to change, but you can get involved less and become more objective. It will make you stronger.
Step 6. Protect yourself
For six months, be the only observer not involved in family tragedies. She will notice your change and may increase aggression. Keep calm, observe and keep writing.
Step 7. Talk and ask questions of each brother and sister
Tell them that you are trying to create the conditions to make family life happier and that you need their help.
Step 8. Ask for their comments on your mother and what the reasons for the arguments are
You will begin to see family dynamics and difficulties from a broader point of view, but it can take up to a year or more. Keep writing everything in your diary.
Step 9. Consider maintaining a relationship with her
The company of some people is so deleterious and harmful that it could destroy you. If this is the case for you, relax and don't talk to her / don't visit her for any length of time. Write her a letter telling her that you need space but that you will contact her when the right time comes. The moment may never be opportune, but at least you will be saved.
Step 10. Convince yourself that being the child of an unhappy person is very difficult and give yourself the space to be happy and make a life
Go towards independence by taking one step at a time. Over time you will find that what your mother thinks of you is NOT who you really are. His distorted opinion that he has about you or a brother's will not have much value when you understand how bad and destructive it can be. Your job is not to make your mother happy. This does not make you a "bad, selfish, etc." person, but a healthy person.
Step 11. Help your brothers when you have freed yourself from their clutches
Find solutions to deal with them that worked for you and suggest them to them. Tell them you want them to have a positive opinion of themselves and to be strong. Be a healthy mental role model towards them and her. Comfort them when they can't.
Step 12. Escape the guilt trap
This is the first reason people continue destructive relationships. You are responsible for yourself, not her.
Advice
- Don't tell everyone in the family what you're doing - the rumor could get to your mother and trigger a new argument you don't need.
- Give yourself some time to let off the pain if you haven't gotten something you needed. Or because you don't want these kinds of people in your life. But don't wallow in it for years, self-pity is destructive.
- If you have children learn how to be the best mother or father possible, this is the perfect opportunity to break the destructive chain your mother has generated.
- If possible, encourage solidarity between siblings in dealing with the difficulties created by your mother. Often this type of mothers want to have control over the relationships between their children, really managing to keep them apart to make sure that everyone comes to her in case of need. Siblings are often manipulated in these situations. However, if they manage to realize that they all have the same experiences of psychological violence on the part of the mother and create a network of mutual support, the latter can be of immense help to everyone. Not only will they be able to deal with someone who better than anyone else understands the situation of relations with their mother, but they will also have confirmation that the problem is not theirs … feeling that most of the children who have suffered psychological violence by their mother have been brought to believe. Many mothers of this gender are narcissistic and have put levers on them which they continue to operate to cause pain.
- Tell your best friend or partner about it. First of all, make sure that he is a sympathetic and understanding person towards your situation and that he will not reveal your delicate situation to third parties.
- Most people are either the daughters of bad mothers or they know someone who is. Managing your behavior is the most important thing.
- Don't even try to change her, no matter your age she will always be older than you. Her mindset does not change, do not force things, to find inner peace with her and with yourself either you leave her or you keep dealing with it.
- Try not to hurt your feelings by comparing your mother to other loving mothers, accept the fact that she is the one who touched you and for you the challenge lies in learning to deal with her.
- Set a timer or record your phone conversations. It will help you wrap up conversations or understand points of view.
- Don't involve your father until you realize that he has his problems too. He is married to this person and it is logical that he will be on his side. Remember that the goal is to make things better, not be destructive and hurt like she does.
Warnings
- Sometimes we just have to let go of a relationship altogether when it gets too damaging. Everyone is ALLOWED to make this decision without guilt.
- Protect your children / husband if there is a need. Don't involve them in family problems. Be a "strong" role model for your children in dealing with a destructive person. It will be of great use to them in life.
- Never be mean to her. Put some stakes in your relationship with your mother. Screaming or cursing will only make you feel bad and guilty. You can just politely say "Now I'll hang up" or: Now I'm leaving. "Then do it! You have every right to end a conversation with people who denigrate or humiliate you. You also have the right to be angry with someone you want well, but don't let anger or resentment stagnate inside you Learn somehow to forgive letting bad things slip over you.
