Feeling sidelined by friends is painful, at any age. Even if we all experience rejection, the sense of exclusion can make us feel lonely and sad. You can take several steps to address this, including understanding why you feel the way you do, encouraging yourself, and talking to friends about what you are feeling. Your feelings matter as much as everyone else's. Read on to learn more about what to do when you feel left out.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Understanding Your Feelings
Step 1. Realize why you feel bad when others exclude you
Usually the feeling of exclusion comes from being pushed aside or rejected by a number of people you want to be appreciated and accepted by. You may feel this because you have been turned away and / or cut off from a group of friends or colleagues. It is normal to feel sad in these cases because we all need to feel part of a group. Man is a social animal and when his needs are not met, he feels pain and sadness. However, just because it is common for everyone to suffer when they feel rejected does not mean that they suffer less, so it is important to develop some strategies for dealing with rejection.
- Recent research has found that the brain processes the pain of rejection in the same way it processes physical pain, such as that of a broken arm.
- Rejection from others can generate anger, anxiety, depression, sadness and jealousy.
- Scholars have found that it's painful to be rejected even by people we don't like!
Step 2. Remember that rejection is a small part of life
Everyone feels excluded at times. Unless you have had a fight with your loved ones or hurt them in some way, it is unlikely that you will constantly be sidelined in your life. Find comfort in knowing that the rejection you just experienced is momentary and you won't experience this feeling forever.
Step 3. Be realistic
Sometimes we can feel left out for no reason whatsoever. To understand if your sense of exclusion is justified, you need to look at the situation objectively. Being realistic means looking at circumstances from every angle. Consider all aspects of a given event, including you, the other people involved, and also the context. Therefore, to be able to look with an objective eye, it is useful to behave in the following way:
- Look for evidence of your ouster. Are your feelings based on reasonable evidence?
- Ask yourself if there may have been another reason why someone acted to make you feel left out. Maybe he was thinking about something else or was in a hurry to get somewhere.
- Is your perception of the situation based on emotions or real events?
- Ask an impartial person if your assessment of the circumstances is accurate.
- Suppose others have the best of intentions until proven otherwise.
Part 2 of 4: Feeling Better
Step 1. Leave the situation behind
Once you have identified your feelings, try to overcome the situation by doing something that improves your mood. By staying anchored to what happened or how you felt, you will not get better, on the contrary you will make things worse. Find something else to focus on right away. For example, you might see the good side of circumstances by writing down three things you are grateful for. Alternatively, try to distract yourself by doing something you enjoy. Eg:
If you feel stuck indoors while your friends hang out, do something that spoils you. Take a nice warm bath with your favorite scented candles and a book. Go for a long walk or run while listening to music on your iPod. Hop off and go shopping or just go shopping on your own. Whatever you do, do it for yourself and your happiness
Step 2. Breathe trying to calm down
Rejection can be very traumatizing and eventually you also run the risk of getting upset and stressed. Research has shown that taking a few minutes to breathe deeply can reduce stress and promote a sense of calm.
- To practice deep breathing, take a slow, deep breath as you count to five. Then hold it, counting to five again. Then, slowly exhale to five. At the end of this exercise, take two breaths at a normal pace and repeat from slow, intense breathing.
- You could also try yoga, meditation, or tai chi to calm yourself down.
Step 3. Have a positive inner dialogue to give yourself courage after a rejection
If you have been excluded, you will probably feel sad and low spirits. Inner dialogue, if positive, can help you fight these negative feelings and make you feel better after you are rejected. Therefore, after such an episode, look in the mirror for a few minutes, saying something encouraging to yourself. You can express an opinion about yourself or something you'd like to think about yourself. Here are some examples:
- "I am a funny and interesting person"
- "I am a good friend"
- "People like me"
- "Others like to spend time in my company"
Step 4. Take care of yourself
This way you can feel loved rather than rejected. This attitude can take different forms because each person feels loved in a different way. Some examples include cooking delicious meals, taking a nice hot bath, working on a project you love, or watching your favorite movie. You should also take care of your body. By doing so, you will convey to the brain that you deserve attention. Make sure you set aside enough time to meet your basic needs for exercise, nutrition, and sleep.
- Try to set aside 30 minutes a day for exercise.
- Eat a healthy, balanced diet that's rich in whole foods including fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins.
- Get 8 hours of sleep every night.
Part 3 of 4: Coping with the Situation
Step 1. Acknowledge your feelings
When we are rejected, we may try to ignore what we are feeling to avoid feeling bad. Instead of going out of your way to ignore your mood, give yourself a chance to grieve for a while. If you've been badly injured and feel the need to cry, don't hesitate. By becoming aware of your emotions, you can move forward and face rejection.
- Take the time to identify why you feel left out, how and why it makes you feel this way. For example, "I feel left out because my friends went to a party without me on Saturday night. I feel betrayed and sad because I think they don't really like me."
- Try describing your mood in a journal. If you don't like writing, even drawing or listening to music to reflect on how you feel, you will have the opportunity to become aware of your feelings and manage them.
Step 2. Consider telling someone what happened
By confiding in a friend or family member who can support you, you will give yourself a chance to feel better and express what you are feeling. It can also be a gesture that reassures you that there is someone who cares about you, even though your friends have made you feel excluded and unwanted. If you decide to confide in yourself, try to choose a loving person who can listen to you. If you reach out to someone who dismisses what you are going through in a nutshell or who doesn't know how to offer you the support you need, you risk feeling worse.
Step 3. Tell your friends about your feelings
Another valuable way to deal with situations where you feel left out by your friends is to tell them how you feel and ask them to explain why they leave you out. Let them know that you felt left out, indicating on what occasion and why you would have liked them to invite you or spend an evening with you. It is equally important to ask politely why a certain situation has arisen. Don't assume they are to blame for not considering you. Just try to address politely to establish a fruitful dialogue. You might say something like:
- "I was really sorry when you went rollerblading last Saturday and you didn't get me involved. I know I was tired Friday night, but Saturday I was ready to do something. If it wasn't for X who told me you were out, I wouldn't have I heard that I was not taken into consideration. I felt left out. Is there any reason why you didn't think about inviting me too? ".
- "It was nice the party we went to last week, but I felt abandoned when you and X left the conversation. That other guy didn't care about talking to me and when I looked for you, I couldn't find you anywhere. part. I felt excluded because I didn't know anyone. Didn't you realize that I was more interested in being with you than talking to that guy? Wasn't it clear to you that I was completely alone at that party? ".
Step 4. Listen to your friends' answers, without shutting yourself down
They will likely be surprised that you felt left out. Perhaps they will tell you that your illness, your recent breakup with your boyfriend, visiting relatives, lack of money, controlling your parents, or whatever was the reason why they didn't consider you. Use this opportunity to directly clarify any assumptions they may have led them to exclude you.
Be honest with yourself. Have you committed anything that may have prompted them to exclude you? For example, have you been demanding, pushy, or oblivious to their needs lately? Or maybe you pestered them a little too much. This could be the main reason they put you aside for more space and peace of mind. If so, take responsibility, apologize, and make a decision to change your attitude
Part 4 of 4: Turn the Page
Step 1. Make others feel accepted
Sometimes, the best way to overcome feelings of exclusion during a conversation or in a certain context is to make others feel welcome and understood. By doing so, you will be able to divert attention from the discomfort or sorrow you feel because of the situation and you will have the power to change the way you live certain circumstances. You have the option to make those around you feel welcome in the following way:
- Smile and say hello;
- Start the conversation;
- Ask questions about him, trying to get to know him;
- Listen carefully;
- Be kind and thoughtful;
- Show a real interest in what he has to say.
Step 2. Plan something to do with friends
If you feel that the fact that you have been excluded depends on your situation (for example, you have had to study a lot, work overtime at work, have a lot of family responsibilities, have to respect sporting commitments or related to your passions), give a hand to your friends proposing something that fits your plans. They will appreciate your attempt to organize and find a deal.
- If your schedule has prevented you from seeing your friends, ask one of them to accompany you on errands or join you in some daily activity, such as the gym.
- Do your best to organize with friends, but understand when to stop asking. If they repeatedly reject your suggestions, then chances are they no longer want you as a friend. Don't keep inviting them if they always say no or if they often back down at the last minute.
Step 3. Decide if you need to make new friends
If you are always being ignored, perhaps you should accept the fact that you cannot count on these people's friendship and that you should make new ones. Make the decision to find people who respect and care about you. While it may be difficult, it's always easier than sticking to people who continue to despise you and treat you like a doormat. You deserve better.
Consider volunteering, joining an association that gathers people who have the same interests as you, and taking part in the local events that appeal to you most. By surrounding yourself with people who share your passions, you will surely meet people with whom you will have many things in common and will be able to make new friends
Advice
- If a group of friends you used to hang out with suddenly starts to exclude you and react with hostility, find out if anyone has been speaking ill of you behind your back. Talk to a close friend and ask him what was said about you. Very often, those with bad intentions can destroy the entire social life of others with a gossip. It might even be a lie the size of a house, something you don't defend against because you wouldn't even be able to imagine it. In these cases, identify the liar. Spread the truth, find out who has gossiped about you, and ask why. Sometimes, it happens because of jealousy, not some mistake you've made.
- If you are constantly being excluded and you don't have any kind of support from other friends and acquaintances to pass the time or talk about these things, see a psychologist. It can help you build a personal support network and understand what might be keeping you from doing so. Sometimes all it takes is an outside point of view.
- If your friends always stand up to you, then they're not true friends.
Warnings
- Forget people who decide to exclude you to make you understand that the friendship is closed or who do not openly say what they think because they are too suspicious or afraid. Many people prefer to end friendships by simply walking away, rather than exposing themselves to confrontation. Not all friendships last, so it's more important to acknowledge the incompatibility for what it is than to blame yourself for it or mortify yourself. It happens that, growing up, they take different paths.
- Do not raise issues of a religious nature with complete strangers or with those who profess a belief different from yours. Reserve this kind of conversation when the context is friendly, perhaps when you are in the company of people who almost completely share your point of view.
