This article talks about very important topics in modern society. In this period, more than any other, LGBT people expose themselves and declare their sexual orientation. When it's a longtime friend who comes out, some don't know how to react. This is the hypothetical situation: someone you know has openly declared themselves and you are not sure how to accept it. First, it is important not to panic and not to say anything that you may regret later. Remember that this is still the same person you knew before you found out. With a little patience and understanding, both of you will be able to process this revelation.
Steps
Step 1. Relax for a minute
Take a deep breath and remember what you thought about your friend and what you felt before he confided his nature to you: what are the aspects that you admired? How did you become friends? Remember that it still has those qualities. If, on the other hand, he is a relative, remember that blood is not the only thing that binds you, that you love him for who he really is and that nothing has changed.
Step 2. Avoid fixating on sex
Nowadays the media and people almost exclusively discuss sexual issues. Homosexuality is not something that can be defined as a simple sexual act with a person of the same gender. It is the intrinsic orientation of a person. Look at the situation from another point of view: as a straight guy do you always think about sex and everything related to it? Well, you may be thinking about it a lot. But that's not the only thing that defines you as a person, is it? You probably consider yourself first of all an athlete, artist, movie lover, father, son, cousin. These are all aspects of your identity, you cannot simply reduce them to attraction to one sex or the other.
Step 3. Put yourself in your friend's shoes
Think about what you would do if you lived in a world where heterosexuality is seen as something strange, abnormal. Now consider what your friend faces every day: he has to survive and struggle in a society that considers him out of place. This could make him feel isolated. LGBT people must always act to avoid conflict and not embarrass others. They have to make an effort that goes against their nature to look as professional as their co-workers. The only way to be able to endure all this is to have friends you can count on.
Step 4. Talk to him for as long as you need, but above all listen to him
It will help you process how you feel about the situation, the knowledge and understanding you will gain will allow you to understand how to behave. Respect your friend's limits. If he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, even if it's just for the moment, forget it. You can ask him later if there is anything you should know.
Step 5. Trust your friend, it's the only way to respect your friendship
Maybe your first thought is "ok, but don't try it on me". It's a gut reaction, relax. He doesn't necessarily hit on you. Think about it, do you try it with all people of the opposite sex? Of course not, and neither does he. This does not mean that your friend will never feel an attraction for you. If this happens, respect your friendship once again and tell him clearly that you are straight and that you want to stay straight. You may be flattered by your friend's attraction and this could make you curious. Do not linger in your curiosity even if you would like to experience this new sensation, it is as if you take advantage of him. Read the “Tips” and “Warnings” sections below to learn more about this topic.
Step 6. Accept that you cannot change your friend's orientation
Some people are convinced that sexual orientation is a choice, but for him there is no doubt. If you want to be a good friend, take his word for it. Avoid describing his orientation as a decision or lifestyle and talk about it as if it were about his height or the size of his feet. Acceptance and compassion always give positive results.
Step 7. Support your friend when he needs you most
He trusts you to the point of revealing a very personal aspect of his life to you. Even if you don't approve of it at first, don't take this gesture lightly. Do you think your friend would abandon you if you were involved in a car accident while you are doing something that he does not approve of? He deserves your understanding and consideration, even if you don't approve of his orientation. Remember that he found you important enough to entrust you with his deepest secrets.
Step 8. Maintain some discretion
If you are unable to maintain a friendship and deal with this situation after all the considerations addressed, still keep the story of your friendship in mind and respect their privacy. It is not necessary for you to tell others why you have moved away, simply say: "Our lives have taken two different paths".
Advice
- If your friend confesses to you that he feels attraction towards you, don't take it as a big deal. Almost everyone can accept the "flatters me, but I'm straight" answer. Often these situations become uncontrollable when the aforementioned "straight" decides to deepen their curiosity with their gay friend. This is a very bad idea. If you're curious, find someone else to experiment with. Do not do this with your friend, especially if he expresses feelings in addition to those of friendship. Nobody likes being used. Try to keep a clear and open relationship, and don't take advantage of him. Of course, if you were to start having feelings towards him, you could tell him about it. Maybe he wants to hit on you. In any case, you must make it clear from the outset that you are only interested in experimenting, and that you do not yet know where your feelings will take you (if they will take you somewhere). Be as honest as possible.
- Remember, the way you react shows who you really are. If you have negative feelings towards your friend's orientation, you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, take some time and think about what could be the triggering cause. Address the issue with the help of someone or by independently seeking useful information. Take responsibility for your feelings, your beliefs and yourself as a person. Remember that your friend has the right to love whoever he wants, even if it seems bizarre, and that you have no right to tell him what he can and cannot do.
- If you're worried about him hitting on you, relax. Many friends don't, but if your friend has feelings for you, politely tell him that you thank him but that you are attracted to the opposite sex.
- Talking helps clear up many misunderstandings. The last thing you want is to have doubts about something you don't know. Ask questions and you will have answers. Remember that your friend is an individual, and that he doesn't speak for all LGBT people. His is just an opinion, and it doesn't apply to everyone. If he doesn't know how to answer your question, propose to find out the answer together.
- If your friend is dating someone, offer to meet them. You will show him that his life really matters to you. You will also have the opportunity to meet other people similar to him, and this could help you better understand what he is experiencing.
- Find an AGEDO group (Association of Parents, Relatives and Friends of Homosexuals) in your area, they are an excellent source of support. In many schools and universities there are organizations that support homosexual and transsexual boys and girls. Not only will you be able to find the compassion and understanding you need to live your friendship well, but you will also meet new people you can refer to and ask for support at this particular time in your life.
- Hugs usually work. Sometimes a touch is enough to let a friend know that you are on their side, when you don't know what to say. Think of times when you've said something really important to a person who hasn't been able to fully understand you, such as wanting to leave home for the first time, break up in a relationship, or engage in a serious relationship with someone. Even if that person you spoke to didn't approve or be confused by your behavior, you knew a hug would be enough to let you know they were on your side.
- Know: Understanding the issues and history of the LGBT community can make things easier to understand and accept. Search the internet on the official sites of the LGBT community and the AGEDO.
Warnings
- Take some time to process the news before reacting disproportionately. The sensations you experience now may seem exaggerated tomorrow. Even if your initial reaction is negative, simply try to acquire the information for the moment. The next day, or the following day, you will have a whole different perspective on the issue.
- Don't try this on your friend and don't send him mixed signals. It's not nice to flirt with your gay friend just because you feel safe, unless you are clearly joking and whoever looks at you understands it. He is your friend, not your personal toy, and for this reason it is best not to play with him.
- Resist the urge to criticize, demonize, or trivialize your friend. Do not insist that it "will pass". It is not a phase.
