It is difficult to understand what love is. From poets to psychologists to ordinary people, the endless efforts to express what love is and what it means has led to many different results. Making things even more complex is the concept of unconditional love, according to some people the only true love, which others consider impossible. To believe in unconditional love, and to love in this way, it takes a lot of faith, commitment and dedication. Only you can decide if and how (or if you should) love unconditionally, but the following article will help you along this path.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Defining Unconditional Love
Step 1. Consider the types of love that exist
The ancient Greeks asked this question and defined four variants. Of the four, the one defined with the term agape is the one most similar to unconditional love. Agape is a choice, the decision to love regardless of circumstances and disappointments.
- To love unconditionally, therefore, means to love the essence of another person, regardless of what they do or don't do. Those with children usually understand this idea of love better.
- It is a love that must be learned and practiced. You will have to choose to love unconditionally.
- Parents may argue that they have no choice but to love their child from the first time they see them, but that initial feeling of attachment is, perhaps imperceptibly, replaced by an ongoing decision to love their child regardless of the circumstances.
Step 2. Realize that loving unconditionally does not mean being "blinded" by love
A person who has just fallen in love with another often finds himself not seeing the real image of his loved one, with his flaws and imperfections.
- This kind of love is (at least it should be) temporary and must be replaced by long-term, open-eyed love that lasts over time.
- To love someone without conditions you will have to know the conditions, good and bad.
Step 3. Consider whether romantic love can be unconditional
Some people think not, as romantic love has to function conditionally as relationships are based on feelings, actions and expectations. According to this view, it is impossible to unconditionally love one's partner as one's own child.
- But love is not the same as a relationship. Relationships are conditional, real "operational collaborations". An unconditional relationship is a recipe for domination by one party over the other.
- For this, a relationship can end because the couple does not work, but unconditional love towards the other person can continue. In some cases, ending a relationship could be a way to make room for unconditional love.
Step 4. Think of unconditional love as an action, not as a feeling
We usually see love as a feeling, but feelings are a response to something we "get" from someone or something. Consequently, feelings are subject to certain conditions.
- Unconditional love is action, the choice to commit to the welfare of another person. The feeling you get from acting with love is your reward, the response you "get" from your actions.
- To love unconditionally means to love in all conditions.
- If you have to do something, or behave in a certain way, to receive love, that love is conditional. If it is given to you freely and without reservation, it is unconditional.
Part 2 of 2: Giving Unconditional Love
Step 1. Love yourself unconditionally
Unconditional love starts at home, with yourself. You know your flaws and shortcomings better than anyone and better than you know another person. Being able to love yourself despite the awareness of your faults puts you in a position to do the same with others.
For this, you will have to be able to recognize, accept and forgive your imperfections, to do the same with those of others. If you cannot deem yourself worthy of unconditional love, you will never be able to offer it to others
Step 2. Choose with love
Always ask yourself, "What is the most loving thing I can do for this person right now?" Love is not the same for everyone; what someone might like might not like someone else, because it doesn't make him feel happy.
- Unconditional love is a decision you have to make in every situation, not a fixed rule that you can always apply to everyone.
- For example, if two friends are coping with the loss of a loved one, you might lean your shoulder to cry and talk to one for hours, while the other might prefer to be left alone.
Step 3. Forgive those you love
Do it even if you are not apologized. By putting aside your anger and resentment, you will be doing both yourself and others good. Keep in mind Piero Ferrucci's suggestion: “Forgiveness is not something we do, but something we are”.
- In religious terms, you will have heard the saying "hate the sin, love the sinner". Loving someone unconditionally does not mean appreciating all the actions and choices of other people; it means not letting these things interfere with your desire for the other person to achieve the best in all areas.
- If someone you love says something hurtful in anger, the choice of love is to let them know that their words have hurt you, but forgive the mistake. Help that person grow and let them know they are loved.
- Don't misunderstand forgiveness with a tendency to let others put their feet on your head. To distance yourself from an environment in which you are always treated badly or exploited can be the choice of love for yourself and the other people involved.
Step 4. Don't think that you can protect a loved one from all the pain and suffering
Loving someone also means promoting their individual growth and pain is an inevitable tool for growth in this life. To love unconditionally means doing what you can to make the other person happy and comfortable, but also helping them grow through the inevitable unpleasant experiences.
- Don't lie to "protect" the feelings of someone you love; instead give her support when she has to deal with pain.
- Lying, for example, about a financial situation to avoid worries will only produce more pain and distrust in the long run. Instead, be honest, support and propose solutions.
Step 5. Love more by "caring" less
Isn't caring for others the meaning of love? Of course, you will want to "take care" of a person by committing yourself to their well-being and happiness. You don't have to do this, however, in the sense that your love is based on specific results, the definition of conditional.
- Therefore, don't think "I don't care what happens to you because your well-being is irrelevant to me; rather" I don't care what happens to you because I love you regardless of choices and actions.
- You do not love in reaction to the actions that make you happy; you get happiness from the act of loving unconditionally.
Step 6. Accept yourself and those you love for who they are
You are not perfect, but you are perfectly capable of giving love; other people are likewise imperfect, but worthy of being loved.
- Unconditional love coincides with acceptance - you cannot expect others to make you happy with their choices and the way they live. You cannot control others, only yourself.
- Your brother may be famous for his questionable choices, but you shouldn't love him less for it. Don't love someone for how they live, but because they live.
Advice
- Get in the habit of doing something for someone every day, just for love. Don't expect anything in return. Do it without telling anyone. For example, you can pray for your friends and family members who are far away. You can send an email, a message or a letter to someone you haven't had contact with for a long time. Be polite to others, even smile at a stranger you meet on the street. Take care of a dog or cat. Put a lot of love even in the little things, every day. And you will see that your heart will get bigger.
- To love means to hope for the happiness of others. Love is what we give, not what we get in return.
- You don't have to be perfect to love someone, but just be honest.
