Have you just gotten out of a relationship that meant a lot to you, are you not ready to go further and believe you can recover the relationship with your ex? People often regret after a breakup and decide to get back together, so even if it seems impossible now, you may be able to mend the relationship in the future. If you can think about what went wrong and correct past mistakes, you may be able to get your ex to give you another chance.
Steps
Part 1 of 6: Evaluating the Separation
Step 1. Understand the reasons for the breakup
What did you do to contribute to the posting? Most relationship problems do not arise suddenly, but develop over time. It probably wasn't a one-sided problem and there were many warning signs. Take the time to look inside yourself before trying to get your ex back. Make sure you don't waste time and energy on a vain endeavor.
According to research, the main cause of separation in romantic relationships is insufficient communication. If your relationship worked perfectly in other areas, this problem can often be solved by setting clear expectations and openly discussing your frustrations before the situation erupts into a violent fight. Other problems may be more difficult to overcome, such as infidelity or jealousy; thanks to the work and help of professionals, however, it is also possible to remedy situations of that type
Step 2. Try to remember who initiated the separation
It was you? In this case, did you think carefully before making the decision, or did you leave your girlfriend in anger and now regret your choice? Was it your ex and did she have a specific reason? Was it a joint decision?
It is essential to understand who controlled the separation and why it happened. If you broke up and your ex was against the idea, getting back together will be easier than if she was the one who decided not to see each other again
Step 3. Interpret your emotions
Separations bring pain and confusion; that's why we often see feelings of loneliness and suffering as evidence that we need to get back to our exes. In fact, almost all people who go through a breakup feel remorse for the lost relationship, accompanied by feelings of anxiety, guilt, depression, and loneliness. In general, the more serious the relationship, the more intense these feelings are; married couples or cohabiting couples often suffer the harshest separations, while those who have recently dated manage to recover more quickly. However, the intensity of your feelings is no excuse for getting back together with your ex.
- Try to answer these questions: Do you miss your ex or do you miss having a girlfriend? Did your partner make you feel better, safer, and happier? Can you imagine a long-term future with her, even when the passion of falling in love has worn off and you are stuck in the daily routine? If you just lack the security of having someone by your side and the excitement of an exciting relationship, you can find the same feelings in a healthier and more stable relationship.
- It's important to take the time to examine your emotions after a breakup and decide whether getting back to your ex is really the best choice. Relationships resumed after a hiatus often suffer from trust issues and risk turning into cycles of separations and reconciliations. If you're not 100% sure you're willing to stick with your ex for the long term, avoid grief again and do your best to get over the romance just ended.
Part 2 of 6: Spending Time Alone
Step 1. Avoid contact for the first two weeks after the breakup
She'll call you if she wants to talk. If it doesn't, you won't be able to change things. In some cases, ignoring your ex gives her the impression that you are fine after the posting and that you can move on, the exact opposite of what she wants.
- Avoiding contact isn't just a passive-aggressive way to make your ex miss you. It gives you time to prepare for a new relationship (even if it were with her!). Spend a month on introspective insight and work on the activities you neglected during your previous relationship. If you contributed to the breakup, use this time to identify weaknesses in your love story and to make a commitment to improve as a person.
- Spending time alone will help you differentiate between the normal grief that follows a breakup and the real desire to get back with your ex. We all feel sad at the end of a story, even if our previous partner was a bad person and was absolutely incompatible with us. Reflecting on your own for a while will give you the opportunity to better process your feelings.
Step 2. Focus on yourself
Go out with your friends. Throw yourself into work and other activities. Don't feel sorry for yourself or give the idea that you're just waiting for your ex to come back.
Studies have shown that people who regain healthy self-esteem after a breakup are able to return to normal faster
Step 3. Don't try to get back to your ex at this stage
This means you shouldn't call her, you shouldn't text her, and you shouldn't ask friends how she is. Most importantly, you shouldn't ask her why she is breaking up or if she is dating other people. You would look really desperate..
- While it's important not to look for your ex for a month or so, you can react to her attempts to get back together. In other words, if she's the one calling you, don't knock the phone off her face and don't refuse to talk. There is no need to play mind games or play hard, as you may push her further away and have less chance of achieving your ultimate goal.
- If you learn that your ex has a new flame, don't jump to conclusions and don't let jealousy dominate you. Under no circumstances should you do anything that will interfere with his new relationship. Let her have a chance to figure out if you really are the right person for her; do not force a person to be with you if in reality it is not the best solution for both of you.
Step 4. Find out if your ex is still interested in you
Before you commit to winning your ex's heart back, you need to make sure she still has feelings for you. Knowing this information is the most important clue to whether a relationship can be repaired.
- There is no need to find out this information right away, and no doubt you shouldn't ask your friends to investigate for you. Don't worry about your ex for at least a month after the breakup; Instead, try to catch small clues when you meet her or when you see her at school or work, when you read her posts on social media, or when you hear a comment from a friend.
- Remember that a third of couples living together and a quarter of married couples have separated in their lives, so if your ex is still interested in you, there's a good chance you can get back together.
Part 3 of 6: Get Your Ex Back
Step 1. Work on your self-esteem
If you suffer from a lack of affection, you probably have self-esteem issues. You may be trying to reconcile with your ex to feel better, but only you have the power to make yourself happier. Your happiness shouldn't depend entirely on another person. You would make her feel guilty, obligated, and as a result, she would resent you.
- Having self-esteem means believing that you are a person of value and perfect in its uniqueness. In a relationship, it is important to feel complete and whole; you shouldn't be looking for a woman who can complement you or make sense of your life.
- To improve your self-esteem, focus on your strengths: emotional and social characteristics, skills, talents, physical appearance, and other qualities that are important to you. For example, you might be naturally empathetic, be able to make people feel understood, be an excellent cook, and have beautiful hair. Focusing on your positive characteristics and ignoring the negative ones can make you feel worthy and valuable as an individual, especially if you are using your strengths to help others. If you feel useless, make yourself useful! Use your natural empathy and cooking skills to bake some cookies for your elderly neighbors.
Step 2. Become the person your ex fell in love with
Try to think back to the first time you met. What did he love about you? Were they your weird lines or maybe your spectacular sense of style? Whatever it was, try to rekindle the flame as you once did.
Your ex was attracted to you because you made her feel good and met her emotional needs. How have you changed? Correct bad habits and your mistakes. Keep a positive attitude. Laugh and smile. Always stay positive, feel good about yourself and try to be attractive
Step 3. Enhance your appearance
Get some new clothes, change your hairstyle or get a manicure. Stand out from the crowd and try to remind her of what you used to look like.
While you shouldn't change your personality to get your ex back (because she'll eventually leave you again, when the real you inevitably comes to the surface), it's always a good idea to look your best. Your partner was attracted to you and you can try to recreate that attraction
Step 4. Hang out with other people
You don't have to find new partners, but meeting other women or men will let the person who was with you know that you are ready for a new relationship. If she is still interested, she may decide it's time to step in to stop you looking around.
If you don't care about dating other women and don't want to fool anyone, find groups of friends to go to the movies with or spend time with a friend. Dating single people can be enough to make your ex jealous
Step 5. Date your ex with no obligation
Do a light activity like a drink with friends or a round of mini golf. Try to find something that is suitable for a couple of friends and for two people on a first date. Whatever choice you make, make sure it's fun and avoid serious talk for now.
- Any relationship should be built on a solid foundation of friendship, so it's important to make sure your friendship is intact before trying to move on to a romance.
- If you've fallen into the "friend zone" (for example, your ex told you "I don't love you anymore"), you may be able to recreate the experience of falling in love by having intimate moments with her. In a scientific study, a researcher asked two strangers to look each other in the eye and then answer personal questions (such as "What is your biggest fear?" And "What is your favorite childhood memory?"). This exercise created an intimate bond between the two strangers, who experienced feelings of attraction and even love. Try taking the time to look your ex in the eye and ask her deep questions, trying to create more intimacy between you in this way.
Part 4 of 6: Discuss Your Relationship
Step 1. Ask your ex to talk
After spending time together as friends, it's time to talk frankly about your background and the possibility of a romantic future for the two of you.
While texting and computer messaging are common means of communication in a stable relationship, intimate discussions like this should happen in person. Invite your ex over for dinner or meet up for coffee
Step 2. Use the past to your advantage
If your ex liked your dress very much, wear it on this occasion. Or recall a happy memory that you have lived together. Meet in a familiar place you used to hang out with when you were a couple.
If she bought you some special jewelry, you can wear it during the conversation. They will make it clear to her that you still have feelings for her
Step 3. Decide what to say
The first words you choose are extremely important. If you say something wrong, you will lose the chance to win her back. Remember that even if you are no longer together, it is very likely that she still has strong feelings for you.
- You can start the discussion in many different ways, but one of the best is to say, "I want to talk to you about our relationship and ask you how you are." Express sorry about how things went and ask if you can talk about it now that you have had time to think.
- Let the conversation progress naturally. If your ex is having a great time and informs you that she is dating other people, you may decide not to waste your time trying to get her to get back with you. If, on the other hand, it seems to you that he still has feelings for you, you can gradually come to talk about the possibility of dating again.
Step 4. Apologize
Think seriously about any mistakes that may have contributed to the breakup and start from scratch with a sincere apology. Take full responsibility for mistakes, without blaming anyone else, finding justifications, expecting excuses or forgiveness. Your ex may have made mistakes too, but you can't speak for her; you can only apologize for what you did. Don't include her in your side of the story and she'll probably tell you what she's sorry for too.
- Avoid using the word "but": "I'm sorry, but …" means "I'm not sorry". Also, don't say "I'm very sorry you feel this way" or "I'm sorry if you're offended." These expressions seem to blame the other person and are not true excuses.
- Real excuses are built like this: regret, responsibility, and remedy. In the first part, you explain that you are sorry for what you have done. In the second you take full responsibility for mistakes, without finding justifications or blaming other people. The final step is to offer to repair or change your behavior in the future. For example: "I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for the times you wanted to be with me and I told you I was busy. You will have felt very neglected. In the future, I will pay much more attention to the needs of the people I care about, in so it doesn't happen again. Thank you for helping me understand."
Part 5 of 6: Building a Healthy Relationship
Step 1. Talk
Since communication problems are the main cause of breakups, you have to work hard to make sure that the dialogue in your couple is always open. When you get back together, you need to set clear expectations, especially regarding the topics where the most serious problems arose.
Establish a plan for how to manage expectations that are not met. For example, if you broke up with your ex because she was spending too much time with her friends, clearly explain how much time she can reasonably spend with them and how to reach a compromise that is satisfactory for both of you if you feel the need for more personal space
Step 2. Remember what caused the separation
Relationships that have been severed and then resumed are often volatile and emotionally unstable. Address the issues that led to the first posting, to prevent them from happening again.
Gently address issues you disagreed on. The problems that led to the separation are probably still weak points for both of them. If you can't handle jealousy, family problems, the need for control, or other special aspects, you need to remember that these annoyances will be present even when the feeling of newness from the resumption of the relationship disappears
Step 3. Treat your relationship as if it were a new relationship
Remember that your first attempt was unsuccessful; ended with a broken heart. This time it has to be different and new rules of the game need to be established.
- Do not rush. Don't think you have to pick up where you left off, for example if you slept together and said "I love you". For these activities it is necessary to rebuild mutual trust.
- Get to know yourself. Especially if it's been some time since you've been together, you and your ex have probably changed. Don't assume you know everything about her. Spend some time getting to know her again.
Step 4. Consider getting help from a psychologist
Especially if you were married or if your relationship was very serious anyway, you probably need couples therapy to uncover the root of your problems and make sure you can overcome them.
Remember that cyclical relationships (overcoming breakups) are often unsatisfying, have trust issues, and ultimately fail, so be prepared to put in a lot of effort
Part 6 of 6: Deciding to Move Forward
Step 1. Look for signs that a romance won't work
Even if you have strong feelings for your ex, in some cases two people just aren't compatible. If your relationship is toxic, you need to move on rather than trying to win back your former partner. Here are some of the signs that your relationship is irreparable:
- Abuses of any kind. If your ex has ever hit you to hurt you, has ever forced you to have sex or other activities against your will, she is a person who abused you and you should stay away from her.
- Lack of respect on the part of both. If you or your ex insulted each other, belittled each other's successes, or made negative comments about your partner to friends and family, there was no respect in your relationship. These signs indicate that emotional abuse was taking place within the couple. Find someone who shows you the respect you deserve, and try to treat them with equal consideration.
- History of infidelity. Even if some relationships manage to survive infidelity, the betrayal of trust is extremely difficult to repair and even if successful, mutual trust remains extremely fragile. For couples in which there have been episodes of infidelity, the help of a professional is even more valuable.
Step 2. Listen to friends and family
While your priority may be to protect yourself, the people closest to you know you to the point that they can offer valuable advice for your relationship. If someone you know has a bad feeling about your romance, you should listen to their words.
If you know a friend or family member doesn't like your ex, ask them to discuss the reasons with you. Find out if they think that way because your ex treats you or other people badly, because they know something you don't know, or know of other important evidence
Step 3. Accept the separation and move on
If none of the above has helped you, or if you have assessed the situation and decided that the best choice is to go a separate path from your ex, make sure you take the time you need to emotionally recover from the pain. love
- According to a study, it's important to focus on the best parts of the previous relationship, especially the ones that allowed you to grow as a person and forget about negative experiences. One strategy that can help you do this is to spend 15-30 minutes each day for three days writing down the positive aspects of the breakup.
- After the three days, try to leave the relationship behind. Take some time alone, hang out with friends and family, engage in the activities you enjoy the most. When you feel healed, you can resume the search for true love.
Advice
- Nobody says it's easy to get back with your ex. Remember that things don't always go the way you want them to - in that case you need to maintain control and dignity.
- Be yourself! Don't become another person just to get your ex back; she fell in love with you in the beginning, not someone else.
- Getting back together is a risk. During your first relationship you probably experienced personal growth and felt a certain sense of independence, but by the time you get back together, you may be forced to start from scratch.
- Some relationships aren't meant to work. Don't insist if the other person isn't interested.
