Fairy tales suggest that "Yes, of course I want to get married to you!" is the only answer to be given when faced with a marriage proposal. However, there are many good reasons to reject one, ranging from your uncertainty to not knowing the other person well enough or wondering if that person really wants to. So, if someone makes you such a proposal and you feel that something is wrong, avoid giving an affirmative answer, and then go back on your words. Do the right thing from the start.
Steps
Step 1. Think about why you don't want to get married
If you are just nervous because it seems like a huge commitment (which is far from uncommon), try to analyze your fear. If your concern is that you don't know if you and the other person are somehow compatible, it's important to address your concerns as soon as possible (and long before your partner kneels in front of you to offer it).
- While dating this person, do you feel that she is the one or is she just someone to have fun with for now? And does this person seem to take the relationship more seriously than you do (alarm bell)?
- Consider your attitude towards marriage. Is it something you want now, some day away or never in your life? Would you rather live together, live alone but continue to be with this person or have a long-distance love affair? If you have strong negative feelings about marriage, you need to make it clear early in the relationship.
- At this time in your life, is marriage what it takes to be happy or would it derail the path you have in mind for yourself?
- Are there any things that might make you feel obligated to marry, even though your feelings generally go in another direction? For example a pregnancy, having elderly parents, family knots, expectations, etc.
- Have you taken the time to find out the things you need to know about the person you might be spending the rest of your life with? You need to know how she feels about running a home, politics, religion, motherhood or fatherhood, caring for elderly parents, spending habits, saving habits, passions and hobbies, goals in career, approaches to disagreements, commitments to share work, etc.
Step 2. Don't play with the clues
Most people test the waters before making the proposal. If your significant other raises this topic, even casually, immediately voice any concerns and hesitations. Let's say you're talking about the cost of property in the area and your partner names a certain house that would be perfect for a newly married couple. Instead of nodding your head and smiling, you say "It would make a beautiful home even for an unmarried couple, don't you think?".
If the hints start pouring in thick and strong, it's probably time to open a discussion about their direction. Tell your sweetheart that you've been seeing a tendency to raise the issue of marriage a lot lately and that you'd like to make it clear before things go any further, explain your personal feelings about the wedding and a future together
Step 3. Consider right now the type of responses you might give to an unwanted proposal
It is not very effective to try and work on it at that moment and there is nothing wrong with assuming that you will find yourself in this position someday. In fact, many people have good omens when they believe their partners are ready to propose, so now is the right time to focus on your reactions! Here are some answers that may be appropriate in case you want to say no (however, introduce what you are going to say by explaining to the person in question why you find them great and why you like or love them before adding your denial):
- “Thank you, this proposal flatters me very much. I need some time to think about it though; I can't give you a positive answer right away. It was a bit of a surprise for me: would you mind if I took some time to think about it?”.
- "Thanks. This is the kindest gesture they've ever given me. I need some time to think about it though. I have not reached the same idea as you regarding this type of commitment and I need to reflect”.
- "Thank you, I really love you so much for being so loving, generous and kind to me and for including me in your life plans, but I don't think the time has come for me yet."
- “Thank you, you are everything to me, but at this moment I am not ready for a deeper commitment; I feel I need more time to get to know each other better”.
- “Thanks, it was really sweet to ask. The problem is that I have decided not to want to get married, ever. Could we consider the option of moving in together?”.
- “Thank you, this gesture of yours is incredibly wonderful, but I have so many questions to ask you and I am still not sure of our future compatibility. Perhaps this is the best time to sit down and discuss what are the foundations for a life together, from finances to children. Until I know all these things about you, I will not be ready to take the plunge”.
Step 4. Avoid making conditional agreements
Love is not conditional, so telling your partner that you will answer “Yes, if…” has nothing to do with love, but with setting conditions for your future together. Rather, ask him to give you more time to understand what the conditions would be; probably, they will be explicit enough to make you understand that you should respond in the negative.
Step 5. If the proposal is made to you in private, try not to smile
If your partner has gone far enough to ask you this question, assume that you will say yes, and your smile will only confirm their hopes, which will make the rejection even more shocking. Look tenderly into his eyes, place your hands on his, and explain to him why you don't want to get married. If, on the other hand, you are in public during the proposal, it would be better to hug your partner (always without smiling), take him by the hand and go to another place, where you can privately tell him no.
- The hug is a way to acknowledge that you have been hit by your significant other's gesture, but it's not necessarily a yes. Hopefully, it's enough for everyone who was watching to lose interest and return to their lives, which will help ease any embarrassment for the other person.
- Avoid making jokes or being sarcastic. It is a solemn and fragile moment, characterized by a profound vulnerability, and the jokes or the witty notes can sting to the living. If you really have to use your sense of humor, be sure to focus it solely on yourself.
Step 6. Respond to his unhappiness and confusion
It may be that the person who offered it to you has made a lot of effort to ask for it, perhaps he has bought a ring and has thought deeply about why he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Gently disappoint their expectations - it won't be easy, but you can do your best. Here are some of the things you should do:
- Give it some space if it requires it. Do not harass him but tell him that you will call or get in touch with him shortly (try doing it the same day or the next morning).
- Suggest that you both do something you love to do. This will serve as a distraction and help the other person understand that you still care about them, that you were serious when you admitted you needed time to think about it.
- Explain profusely how much your relationship with this person matters to you and that not being ready may just change over time. Focus on your sweetheart's strengths and how uncertain you feel about your feelings, because you don't know which direction to go in life. Don't let her think that your negative response stems from the fact that you think she is not good enough for you.
Step 7. Evaluate what to do now
Things can get really weird at this point or they could continue as usual, with a positive and affectionate approach to nurturing your love and relationship. If the person who made the proposal can accept the fact that you genuinely need more time and that the possibility of getting married one day still exists, or is satisfied with the alternatives of your counter-proposal, then the relationship will remain strong and will be forged in a way. more and more defined. On the other hand, if this rejection creates a rift in the relationship and causes suspicion, anger, resentment, and a lack of peace of mind while you are together, it may be time to reconsider your relationship. It can be very difficult to continue when a person believes they need to get married to be happy and you are an obstacle in their path. Your next steps should depend on how the person who made the proposal took it, how you are dealing with the situation, and how the relationship progresses in the post-proposal. However, it is advisable not to do anything drastic, unless ending the relationship has been in the air for a while. It could be weeks before both of you have a chance to really evaluate the emotions arising from the proposal.
Advice
- Accept that emotions will be confused. It takes guts to make this leap into the void. This is partly why you are afraid of rejecting the proposal, for fear of deeply upsetting the other person. It also takes a lot of guts to avoid the easy path of accepting the proposal, only to change your mind. By accepting that this is an emotionally charged situation, you give yourself the right to feel confusion, embarrassment and uncertainty.
- Pay attention if you see the ring. The ring is not a valid reason to give a positive answer! It is to the person who is proposing you that you must say yes, not to the ring.
Warnings
- Be fair and realistic. If this isn't the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, don't leave them hanging with false promises or vague comments, which could be interpreted in many ways. It is kinder to clarify that the marriage proposal has given you a chance to reevaluate the relationship you have and to understand that you are not visualizing each other in the future. This will hurt, but it's much better to be honest than to keep hanging by a thread and asking yourself questions. Explain to this person that it doesn't seem like the right decision to make and communicate your message clearly.
- Avoid saying yes just to keep dragging on the relationship without voicing its mistakes. This is a lazy and passive-aggressive response in which your lack of enthusiasm and action for marriage preparations will result in the breakup of the engagement. This will be frustrating, discouraging, and ultimately devastating for your partner, who believes you said yes to him because you really want to get married to him. This problem often arises with cohabiting couples, when the partner to whom the proposal is made remains indifferent but wants to please the other person without further problems; often the reticent part thinks that, since you already live together, there is no reason to spend a lot of money and make an effort to try something you already have!
