You and your wife have drifted apart but hope to re-establish the connection you shared before the separation becomes permanent. Once you have thoroughly thought about what went wrong and are sure you want to keep this relationship, remind yourself that rekindling the passion is possible. Therefore, adopt specific strategies to show your willingness and your sincere desire to win your wife back.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Show Your Wife You Can Get Her Back
Step 1. Ask her how you can win her back
It may sound too simple or straightforward, but it may actually be the most important step to take. Ask her for her opinion on the things she needs to change in your relationship. Simply asking will make her understand that you care about her opinion and that you are ready and willing to commit to your marriage.
- Ask targeted questions and ask for precise answers.
- It starts with something like, "I know it's been tough lately. What can I do to show you how important this relationship still is to me?"
- Listen carefully to her response and take her point of view seriously, even if it makes you sad or nervous at first.
- Understand that talking honestly with each other will likely be the first step in getting your relationship back on track.
Step 2. Address any changes in your behavior since you got married
With marriage, you commit to spending your life with your wife. You both married the person you wanted to spend your life with. If you've become someone other than the one your wife married (or vice versa), you may need to go through these changes.
- For example, there may have simply been concrete changes. If you have become less active or eat unhealthy and your body is affected, work to get back into shape.
- If you've become more stressed out (from work or whatever), and perhaps a more difficult person to deal with, acknowledge that this is likely a reason for the distance that may have developed between the two of you.
- Schedule a specific time to work on anything you may need to change. If it's just a matter of spending more time with your wife, commit to spending a few hours together each week and take those commitments seriously.
- If you often scream or have anger attacks or other mood swings, see a therapist as soon as possible.
Step 3. Get help with problems you are struggling to solve on your own
While having a more active lifestyle and making yourself available are steps you can take on your own, deeper adjustments to your behavior may require professional help. If you're struggling with an addiction or can't control your emotions, ask for help. Talk to a doctor or therapist to identify specific problems you may be having difficulty with and follow their advice on steps you can take to address them.
- If you suffer from an addiction of any kind (alcohol, drugs, the Internet or otherwise) see a doctor as soon as possible.
- Recognize that physical abuse of any kind is not only illegal, but a sign that you need professional help.
- In short, address any issues external to your relationship so they don't continue to have a negative effect on your marriage.
- Talk to your wife about the effort you are making to deal with these big problems. Not only will he be happy to hear it, but you will motivate yourself to take your efforts seriously.
Step 4. Have fun
While it may seem a little selfish at first glance, maintaining a healthy consistency with the rest of your life, including doing the things you enjoy, indicates that you are confident that your marriage can be saved. Don't neglect to be available to your wife, but take care of yourself by doing the things you enjoy to make sure you stay in a positive frame of mind.
- By indicating that you are able to move on with your life, you are also showing that you are capable of having a mature and balanced conversation.
- Don't seek her compassion and don't try to make her feel guilty by acting dramatically or by pointing out how much it hurts to be without her; it's immature behavior and won't work in the long run.
Step 5. Respect yourself and your wife by not talking negatively about her
Above all, if you have children, it is very inappropriate to speak badly of your wife with them. This will have dire effects on everyone involved, especially your children, and it certainly won't help improve your relationship with your wife.
- If you have children, just tell them that both you and your wife love them and that everything will be fine.
- Take a similar approach with mutual friends. Just tell them that you hope to work things out and that you love and respect your wife.
- If you get back together, saying something negative about your wife will only make your relationship more difficult.
- If you still love her, prove it!
Step 6. Be patient
Remember that your marriage did not happen suddenly, nor will winning your wife back. Focus on the process of identifying specific problems in your relationship, addressing them one at a time and re-establishing a healthy bond with your wife. Understand this will likely take some time.
- Don't overreact to difficult times. A rough conversation, a night apart, a cold spell don't mean your marriage is doomed.
- Difficult times indicate the need to improve communication and this may be enough to rekindle your marriage!
Part 2 of 3: Speak Openly to Your Wife
Step 1. Engage in open, honest, and sincere dialogue
Many sources of tension in a relationship can be addressed with better communication, which always begins with sincerity. When the opportunity arises to talk to your wife, be prepared to share with her all the things you care about most, for better or for worse.
- Be especially honest about the things you think were bad for your marriage before the distance between you grew.
- Make sure you include both the reasons you want to win her back, and why you feel your relationship can be a source of healthy, shared happiness for both of you.
- Don't avoid talking about something that needs to be addressed. Don't deny or ignore any past harmful behavior, neither yours nor your wife's.
Step 2. List specific strengths and things you will need to work on in your relationship
It may seem silly at first, but it can be incredibly helpful to literally make a list of good, bad, and even bad things.
- Organize your thoughts and be prepared to clearly share them with your wife in black and white.
- Make specific lists of the things you love about your wife and your relationship with her.
- Also list the things that frustrated you in your previous life together.
- If you are still talking and she may be willing to do so, ask her to do the same and share these lists among you. This will likely lead to serious but important conversations.
Step 3. Forgive, apologize and try to forget
If you really want to win back your wife and have a healthy relationship with her, both of you will need to forgive each other for the aspects of your past that led to the separation.
- Better communication - and the sincerity it leads to - will require you both to accept responsibility for the ways you may have hurt each other in the past.
- Whether your wife has done and said things that hurt you or can't let go of things you did that made her feel bad, work to reconcile past wrongs by talking about it together.
- In case your wife has repeatedly mistreated you, you need to seriously rethink why you want to get back with her.
Step 4. Be honest with yourself too
Your current separation could indicate that there is a good reason for some distance between you and your wife. If the separation is long overdue or if your divorce is already effective, this is all the more indicative that there were serious problems in your relationship.
- It's incredibly difficult to go through a breakup, especially when you don't feel ready to let go. However, it may simply be a necessary step to take.
- Talk to close friends and family about how you feel. They will remind you that you are loved (probably without even saying it) and help you get through the emotional earthquake of separation.
Part 3 of 3: Give Your Wife Some Space
Step 1. Avoid desperate behavior
You shouldn't risk pushing your wife even further away from you by acting too aggressive or desperate while trying to win her love back. Likewise, don't become overly vulnerable, complain constantly, or let go - none of this will help you get her back.
- Remind yourself that his attitude towards you depends on your current behavior.
- Calm is both more mature and more attractive than any behavior that could qualify as insane.
- Step away from a conversation or place when you feel that you are starting to have no control over your emotions.
Step 2. Don't call or text her relentlessly
If your wife does not answer your calls, it is normal to worry, or even fidget, especially when the marriage is in a difficult time. It's hard to reconnect with a spouse who is actually keeping you at a distance, but remind yourself that you can't control your wife's behavior.
- After calling her once or twice without her answering, leave her a voice message or text her that you hope to hear from her soon.
- Stop calling her and writing to her.
- Don't worry too much about what he's doing. Don't allow yourself to imagine the worst case scenarios. Recognize that it may simply need some space.
Step 3. Give her her space
It may seem counterintuitive - and be difficult to do - but giving your wife some space will provide both of you with an opportunity to reflect. Verbalize your intentions by saying something like, "We both need time to think and I respect that."
