If at the very thought of talking in front of other people, anxiety assails you, and you would be willing to do anything to avoid such a situation (running and hiding in the bathroom indefinitely, leaving the house in the middle of winter immediately after a shower to catch a cold with all the trimmings and so on) … well, you are definitely not alone. Whether moderate or paralyzing, shyness affects so many people in this world, who struggle daily to overcome it. Of course it doesn't happen overnight by magic: it takes time, effort and, of course, the compelling desire to change. Having opened this page, you are already on the right path, but the journey certainly does not end here.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Understanding Your Shyness
Step 1. Think about the roots of your shyness
Having this character trait doesn't necessarily mean you are introverted or hate yourself. It simply means that, for one reason or another, you feel embarrassed when the spotlight is on you. However, what is the cause of this shyness? It is usually a symptom of a more acute problem. Here are three possibilities:
- You don't have great self-esteem. This happens when you examine yourself and find that it is hammering out a negative voice in your head. It's hard to stop caring, but at the end of the day this voice is yours and only you can decide what it should tell you.
- You have a hard time accepting compliments because you don't think they are sincere.
- You worry about what others think of you. This happens when we focus too much on ourselves. Since we are responsible for our actions all day, we analyze them and make sure we do not make mistakes, we assume that everyone else is also putting our life under a magnifying glass. If you reflect yourself in this description, further down you will find some tips on how to shift attention to others.
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You have always been labeled shy. As children we are sometimes, but we can always change. Unfortunately, people cling to this trait and treat us accordingly for the rest of our lives, no matter how our personalities change and evolve. It is possible that people have placed you in a specific category and you are trying to adapt to what is expected of you. The good news? All you have to do is adapt to your needs.
Whatever the reason, you can turn the page. After all, nothing is written in stone; the cause of your shyness depends on a certain way of thinking, and only you can control your thoughts. Do not forget
Step 2. Accept your shyness
One of the first steps to take to defeat her is to try to welcome her, to learn to feel at ease despite her uncomfortable presence. The more you resist it (consciously or unconsciously it doesn't matter), the longer it will prevail. If you're shy, get over it and fully embrace your way of being. One way to do this is by repeating yourself over and over again with phrases like "Yes, I'm shy and I accept it."
Step 3. Find out what triggers your shyness
Does it attack you when you are in front of an audience made up of people you don't know? When do you learn something new? When do you enter unfamiliar territory? When are you surrounded by people you know and admire? When do you find yourself together with strangers? Precisely define the thoughts that crowd your mind as soon as shyness threatens to knock you out.
You're probably not always shy. You don't have a problem with your family, do you? Are your relatives so different from the strangers you meet around? Not really: the fact is that you know them best and, besides, they know you. You are not the problem, it is a matter of context. This shows that your shyness is not an overwhelming difficulty, it is not something that upsets you 24/7. Good to know, right?
Step 4. Make a list of situations that cause you anxiety
Arrange them in order of severity, so that you put the ones that cause you less tension at the top and the more complicated ones at the bottom of the list. Acting effectively, they will be nothing more than tasks to be successfully ticked off the list, step by step.
Make the situations actually concrete. Talking in front of people is a potential trigger, but let's be more specific. Are you intimidated by people who have more authority than you? In front of those you find attractive? The more specific you are, the easier it will be to identify the trigger and work to change
Step 5. Check all items from the list
Once you've written a list of 10-15 stressful situations, start working on them, one at a time (of course, when you've finished reading this article). The first, which are the "easier" ones, will help you strengthen self-esteem, so that you can then proceed with the more complex ones.
Don't worry if you sometimes have to step back on the list; proceed at your own pace, but also try to overcome your own limits
Part 2 of 4: Reprogram the Mind
Step 1. Use this shyness as a signal to identify and analyze the situations in which it occurs
Whatever the inner cause that triggers this reaction, it occurs promptly because you expect it automatically. We compare this mechanism to that of a software: it is programmed so that certain buttons serve to implement certain functions. Similarly, our minds can also be programmed. Think about it for a moment: we are "programmed" since childhood to react to certain situations, such as keeping away from strangers, from places where we could harm ourselves, dangerous animals and so on. In any case, with regard to some stimuli, our personal reactions are spontaneous. This means that we perceive them and respond in a way that comes naturally to us (as if it were a default setting). The problem is that this reaction could be wrong. For example, when faced with a lizard, one person may react badly, disgusted by this "ugly reptile", but another may wish to have such a pet. This occurs because of each individual's natural (default) reaction or response to a stimulus (in this case the lizard). Similarly, when a shy person sees people (stimulus), they respond in an innate way with shyness. The truth is, you can change this reaction by reprogramming the brain. Here are some methods that will help you do that.
First, question yourself and check the validity of your reasons. You've probably made certain beliefs your own, but you've never thought about them analytically. It is essential to practice speaking in front of an audience to effectively defeat your shyness. Try to take it as a signal to demand the most of yourself and do the exact opposite of what you have done so far when you get intimidated. The moment shyness assails you in public, you probably take refuge in a quiet place, because this has always been your default reaction and you don't even imagine you can do otherwise. However, at this point you should go in the opposite direction. When shyness makes itself felt, get involved and, for example, talk to others. Of course, this will make you feel deeply uncomfortable and you will want to run away, but, it must be repeated, use these emotions as a trigger to go beyond your limits. The greater the extent of negativity holding you back, the more motivated you will be to be demanding of you. After trying this several times you will realize that negative emotions and feelings are in fact your allies, because they give you the impetus to demand more of yourself
Step 2. Pay attention to others
In 99% of cases, shyness attacks us because we think that if we talk or stand up for ourselves, we will embarrass ourselves. This is why it is so important to focus on others, shifting your mental focus elsewhere. When we stop thinking only about ourselves, we also stop worrying about what others will think.
- The easiest way to do this is by taking an empathic point of view. When we feel compassion, understanding and empathy towards others, we immediately stop worrying about ourselves, in fact we begin to use all our mental resources to understand them. Remembering that everyone is fighting their own battle, big or small (and for those directly concerned, it is certainly huge!), Allows us to keep in mind that everyone deserves our attention.
- If that doesn't work, try imagining other people's thoughts, but try to do it objectively. Are you worried about your appearance? You probably always assume that others are just focusing on your look, like they have nothing else to think about. Does such a thing ever seem possible to you? Thought patterns are habitual and contagious - once you start following one, you can't stop.
Step 3. Visualize success
Close your eyes and think about one of those situations that trigger shyness. Now, in your mind, imagine you are reacting confidently. Do it often, and considering different contexts. It is a particularly effective exercise when repeated daily, especially in the morning. It may seem silly to you, but athletes use visualization tactics to really develop their skills and succeed in a competition. What does it cost you to give it a try?
Engage all your senses to fully visualize a real situation. Imagine being happy, feeling good. What do you say? What are you doing? This way you will be ready in due time
Step 4. Try to have good posture
By standing straight, you give everyone the impression that you are confident and well disposed towards others. We are often treated the same way we feel: if we feel open and easy going, our gestures convey it. Don't forget the power of body language!
This attitude will also fool the brain. According to several researches, having good posture (looking straight ahead, shrugging your shoulders and avoiding keeping your arms folded) makes us feel assertive, confident and, above all, reduces stress. In short, you have no excuse to hunch over
Step 5. Practice talking to yourself, clearly and directly
This will help you avoid the possible embarrassment of having to repeat what you said, because you may tend to mutter or speak too softly. You have to get used to listening to yourself and loving the way you express yourself.
Sign up by pretending to have conversations. It will also sound ridiculous, but you will notice certain patterns: when and why the voice is cracking, the moments when you think you are speaking too loud (but in reality it is not) etc. At first, you will feel like an actor (and you may not be yourself, you will try to play a part), but you will get used to it. Remember that you need to practice constantly to get used to it
Step 6. Don't compare yourself to others
The more you try to make comparisons with people, the more you will have the impression that you are not up to par. You will feel threatened, and this will make you feel even more shy. It is perfectly useless to compare yourself to another person; however, if you fall into this trap, think in realistic terms. Even the people around you have self-esteem issues!
Do not you believe it? If you have super-confident, outgoing friends or family members, discuss it with them. They will probably tell you something like "Look, I don't spontaneously behave like this!" or "I was very insecure. I made a commitment to change." Compared to them, you are simply in a different stage of the process. With a little bit of effort you will reach them
Step 7. Remember that you are a wonderful person
Everyone has a special gift or talent, something to offer the world. It sounds gooey, but it's the plain truth. Think about what you know, what you are good at and what you have accomplished, instead of focusing on your appearance, your voice, or the dress you wear. Remember that everyone, absolutely everyone, even those who seem perfect to you, has problems accepting an aspect of themselves or of their life. There is no reason why your difficulties should make you lock yourself in your shell; in fact, they are no more serious than those of the others. If they managed to defeat them, you can do it too.
By focusing on this aspect, you will realize that you have so much to offer, in any group or situation you are in. You have valuable resources and skills to improve any problem, conversation or circumstance. By being aware of this, you will feel more inclined to have your voice heard
Step 8. Identify your social competitive advantage, your strengths
Just because you're not the alpha male of the bunch, don't have a respectful voice, or aren't the life of the party, you have no reason to believe you don't possess interpersonal skills. Are you a good listener? Do you have a good eye for detail? It's possible that this is something you've never thought about, so think about it for a moment. Are you better at observing than most people you know? Maybe: many shy people have this innate ability.
- Your strengths can give you some advantage. If you're a good listener, you probably understand when someone has a problem and wants to let off steam. In this case, he'll need you. Don't be afraid to step forward in such a situation; ask him what's wrong. Tell him you've noticed him a little out of sorts - can you do something to help him fix it?
- In any self-respecting social group, all individuals play a very specific role. You have one too, but maybe you don't know it yet. No one is better than another. Remember that your strengths, whatever they are, complement the dynamics of a group.
Step 9. Don't get trapped by labels
For the record, popular people aren't happy either. Extroverted people aren't necessarily loved by everyone or satisfied, and shy people don't necessarily have to be introverted, unhappy, cold, and aloof. Just as you don't want to be limited by labels, you don't want to pin them to others either.
In a school, popular kids do what they can to be considered as such, and they work hard day after day. They try to conform to others, be accepted and be successful. Good for them, but that doesn't mean they're happy or that this situation will last. Trying to emulate a lifestyle that isn't really what it seems will get you nowhere. You will live much better if you try to march at your pace. After all, the rhythms imposed by school or university sooner or later stop being valid: if you don't learn to set your own pace, do you know what you will do? You will try to adapt each time to ideas and habits that don't really belong to you. And this doesn't make the slightest sense
Part 3 of 4: Managing Social Situations
Step 1. Get informed
If you're going to a party, it's best to think of a couple of topical topics to talk about. What are the hottest latest news? Do you follow an exciting show? Was there a major international event held? Read newspapers, show curiosity. In this way, should others bring up a theme, you can have your say.
Your goal shouldn't be to impress by showing accurate and deep knowledge. The purpose is simply to join in a conversation. People don't want to be judged or taught - they want to chat, so try to be light and friendly. A "I would not have wanted to find myself in the president's shoes" is enough to prevent the conversation from stalling
Step 2. Imagine that the conversations are divided into phases
Interpersonal interactions can be simplified, at least up to a point. Once you understand the main steps and have assimilated them, you will be ready to take them on autopilot, which is much less stressful. Here are the four steps to refer to:
- The first stop is a simple opening sentence. In short, at this moment we chat about this and that, the ice breaks.
- The second stage is that of the presentations, and there is not much to add.
- The third step allows you to find what you have in common with your interlocutor, a topic you can both talk about.
- The fourth stage is the conclusion; one of the participants tells the other that he has to go, summarizes what has been said and, perhaps, we come to an exchange of information: "Well, it was nice to talk to you. Your point of view will make me think. Here is mine. business card, I hope to hear from you soon ".
Step 3. Start a conversation
Do you remember that grandiose project you completed? That mountain you climbed? That disease you defeated? If you've managed to do all of this, talking to others will be a breeze. Any comment on a shared factor is enough to break the ice: "This bus is always late", "The machine is taking forever to make coffee" or "Did you see the tie that Dr. Bianchi put on today ? Terrifying! ". Your interlocutor will also intervene.
Add a detail to a sterile statement, which in itself does not allow for dialogue. If someone asks you where you live, it is easy for the conversation to come to a standstill, embarrassing both you and your interlocutor. By offering details, the other person will have something to say in turn, making the conversation flow. For example, you can say "I live in corso Garibaldi, next to the most famous pastry shop in the city". Instead of saying "Oh, nice area", he'll say "Uh, wow, have you tried their chocolate croissants? They drive me crazy!"
Step 4. Break the ice
If you are at a party, you can always lead the exact same conversation. Approach one or two people at a time: as expected, put in place the same clichés and platitudes. At some point you will understand how to do it and you will be nauseous. Then, go back to the people you actually enjoyed chatting with. This will allow you to engage in a real dialogue.
Don't dwell too long - each conversation should only last a few minutes. This will ease the pressure and will likely ease the nervousness. Once 120 seconds have passed, you won't feel as scared as at first. After that, you can focus your time and energy on the people you would like to make friends with. In fact, this is the most sensible way to use time and resources
Step 5. Try to look accessible and be approachable
Communicate an open and friendly attitude through body language. Make sure you don't cross your arms and keep your head high, with your arms relaxed at your sides. Nobody will talk to you if you are engrossed in Candy Crush. In fact, if you're not open, people will think you don't want to be bothered.
Think about the people you would like to approach. What do their bodies and faces express? Now, consider people who don't sympathize with you. Examine the way you place yourself: does it fall into the first category or the second?
Step 6. Smile and look others in the eye
A smile on a stranger is enough to brighten your day and make him feel better. Smiling is a friendly way to recognize the presence of others and offers a great way to start talking to anyone, stranger or friend. You show that you are harmless, sociable, and willing to make friends.
Human beings are social creatures. Just take a look at the inmates in solitary confinement to prove it. We are all looking for interactions and confirmations. You do not impose yourself in the lives of others, you show up to enrich them and, why not, improve them
Step 7. Don't estrange yourself from the body
When you are together with a group of people or with one person, you are probably assailed by thoughts that make you doubt and lead you to take refuge in a corner. In the beginning it is normal. If you find yourself feeling anxious, ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you breathing correctly? If you can, slow down your breathing - your body will automatically relax.
- Are you relaxed? If not, get into a more comfortable position.
- Are you open? You can understand this by analyzing your location. Opening up can change how others perceive you in a group.
Part 4 of 4: Challenge Yourself
Step 1. Determine Personal Goals
It is not enough to think "I will leave the house and I will not be shy". In fact, it's not a tangible goal - it's akin to saying "I want to be awesome." How can this be done? You need goals based on a series of very specific actions, such as talking to a stranger or starting a conversation with a beautiful girl you met at the bar (which will be covered in more detail below).
Focus on small daily goals, then gradually move towards the ones that challenge you. Even asking a stranger the time can be a challenge. Do not neglect these small chances: they are fundamental, not insignificant. You can learn to speak in front of large groups of people step by step. Slows
Step 2. Try to understand what makes you comfortable
Maybe snoozing at a rave or drinking all night in a club might not be for you, and that has nothing to do with shyness. If you'd rather give your grandmother a pedicure, listen to your preferences. Don't try to defeat shyness in environments you can't stand. It won't help you.
You don't have to do what everyone else is doing. In this case you will not be able to overcome shyness and it will be a difficult task to find people you like and like you. Why waste time? If wandering around clubs isn't for you, that's no problem. Practice interpersonal skills at the bar, at various social gatherings or at work. They will suit your style better
Step 3. Practice getting used to situations that make you uncomfortable
Sure, you should avoid places where you wallpaper and take too much effort to enjoy yourself, but at the same time, you need to challenge yourself in environments that stray at least slightly from your natural element. Otherwise, how will you grow up?
Don't forget to scroll down the list compiled at the beginning of the journey. You could talk about this and that with a saleswoman, ask what time it is from someone you meet on the bus, or chat with a colleague. Most people have trouble starting a conversation (by now, you will realize that many are just like you), but opportunities never fail
Step 4. Introduce yourself to a new person every day
It is often easier to talk to strangers, at least to have a chat. After all, you may never see them again in your life - what do you care what they think about you? For example, as you walk down the street and pass a girl, try to make eye contact and smile. You literally need 3 seconds to do it!
The more you do this, the more you realize that people are receptive and friendly. Every now and then you meet the paranoid on duty, bewildered by your smile: don't worry, on the contrary take the opportunity to have a laugh. Also, people are always surprised when they receive a smile from a stranger - you will favorably intrigue people and feel more confident
Step 5. Get involved
Talk to someone you usually wouldn't even speak to. Try to get close to the people you share at least one interest with and make sure you strike up a conversation with them. Sooner or later you will find yourself in front of a group. Just make a simple observation to intervene (or you can support someone else's ideas). Get involved. This is the only way you have to evolve.
It will get easier from time to time. Do you remember the early days when you were driving or cycling? Exactly the same happens with interpersonal interactions: you don't have a lot of practice behind you. After a few tries, it will be natural for you to step in and chat. Nothing will stop you
Step 6. Record your successes and proceed on the path you have taken
In the same notebook in which you wrote the list of triggers, list your achievements. Watching progress is a great motivation to move forward. After a few weeks you will be amazed by the change and you will be completely convinced of the feasibility of this experience. Gorgeous, isn't it?
There is no chronological sequence to follow to do this. Someone can do it in the blink of an eye, from one day to the next. For others it is a slow process, which can last up to 6 months. Don't be in a hurry: it takes the time it takes. Trust yourself, you will make it
Advice
- Remember that shyness is an emotion, not an immutable character trait. You have the power to change the feelings it transmits to you only if you really want it and commit yourself concretely.
- "Pretend until you succeed" is a good motto. Keep pretending that you are confident and, after a while, you will realize that you really are. But remember that demanding too much of yourself, by forcing yourself to intervene in situations that make you uncomfortable, will only reinforce the problem. Shyness and social anxiety are traits acquired at a behavioral level, so you must progressively modify the reactions by finding a compromise between the famous comfort zone and the experiences that allow you to change.
- Fear and excitement share a hormone: adrenaline. If you focus on the positive aspects of an event, speech, activity, and so on and turn the tension into trepidation, you can convert the fear into a thrill that allows you to appreciate your behavioral change. Many sociable and open people cope with interpersonal contact with stress just like you; the difference is that they interpret these feelings considering them synonymous with enthusiasm and sharing with people. Stage fright can result in an unforgettable performance - just change the way you assimilate this feeling.
- Accept more experiences. It will be difficult at first. Start small, like saying hello to a classmate or something like that. This will prompt you to say yes to situations you often avoid, and you will be able to experience many interesting moments. Also, you will be better off about yourself, because you have braced yourself and tried.
- Volunteer, or join a club or group. Choose one that interests you, and you will meet people to share passions with. It's a great way to make friends.
- Remember that almost everyone is shy, some more, some less. The difference is in the intensity of the shyness. You can fuel your self-esteem by gaining communication skills and looking for new topics to talk about.
- Give yourself plenty of time to express yourself. Speaking slowly gives you a chance to think about what you are going to say, and it will make your words more meaningful.
- Make a list of the things you love about yourself and post it to a wall. It could give you a boost and make you feel safer before you leave the house.
- Defeat stage anxiety by imagining that you are someone else, for example a famous person you admire. Pretend to be like him (or her) until you feel comfortable.
- There's nothing wrong with being shy, but it's also not wrong to try to be more outgoing.
- Don't be afraid to ask a professional for help: group sessions, individual sessions and psychotherapy can help you. Sometimes it's not just a matter of shyness, and it's important to understand this. Social phobia is often dismissed as "excessive shyness," so make sure you know what your problem is.
Warnings
- If your friends and family know you are shy, don't care about the comments they make when they notice you've changed. Someone may feel uncomfortable because you no longer belong to the mental category in which they had "trapped" you. Ignore them. They are not motivated by bad intentions, but don't let them scare you and make you take refuge in your shell again.
- Sometimes shyness is just a phase. Someone grows up and, over time, becomes more confident and sociable. Don't try to change yourself, however, unless your way of being makes you deeply unhappy. You can learn to accept yourself over the years.
