Jealousy can compromise the serenity of a relationship and cause it to end; it can also clearly indicate that something is wrong. Rather than letting it contaminate your relationship with others, consider it as a stimulus to better understand yourself. If you are dealing with jealousy of others, set clear boundaries and protect yourself.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Managing Your Jealousy
Step 1. Learn about the feeling of jealousy
It is a complex emotion that includes many other feelings within it: fear, bewilderment, anger, envy, sadness, inadequacy, humiliation and distrust. Concomitant emotions can be numerous, but jealousy may be the one you notice first. Make a commitment to examine your emotions.
- Write down what you feel. If the images help you, draw a chart or table in which to depict the different emotions you perceive and their connection with jealousy.
- Recognize how the body records emotions. Fear sometimes manifests as a feeling of fainting or tightness in the chest and stomach, while anger often presents as a burning and tightening sensation in the head and arms.
Step 2. Counter your feelings
Learn to question jealousy whenever it arises. For example, ask yourself the following questions: "Is my jealousy born of fear or anger? Why am I feeling scared or angry?" When you are able to analyze the causes at the very moment in which it occurs, it means that you are one step towards an adequate management of your feelings, without getting involved in the cloud of negative emotions that usually accompanies jealousy.
Step 3. Explore the roots of your jealousy
It's hard to admit that you have negative feelings, and the temptation to blame someone else can be overwhelming. Avoid doing this by looking at jealousy with compassion. Analyze the accompanying emotions and reflect on their causes. For example, if you are jealous of a friend or a friend of your partner, think about all the emotions involved and concentrate it in one sentence: you are afraid of losing your loved one because it has already happened to you in the past, you feel sad at the idea of losing her, you are suspicious because you have the impression that she is hiding something from you or you feel inadequate because you do not believe you deserve her love.
Write down events from your past that may have triggered these feelings. For example, the fear of separating from your partner could stem from a particularly painful breakup in the past and the fear of having to go through it all over again. If you think you don't deserve love, the cause may lie in a parent who hasn't been able to show you love
Step 4. Choose to trust
You have to trust the people you love. Learn to trust others and banish distrust. Unless you have overwhelming evidence that someone is lying, trust me. Don't poke your nose into other people's affairs only to discover the deception - trust what the person you love says. Jealousy can harm a relationship if it is kept hidden, even when the responsibility for this feeling is placed on the other person.
Step 5. Apologize and explain your motives
Express concepts like this: "I apologize for the way I reacted to your friendship with P. I trust you, but I must have gone through a moment of insecurity. Thank you for listening to me." Often such a sentence is enough to start a conversation about what happened or to recognize one's own insecurities and the need to tackle the topic together with the utmost sincerity.
Step 6. Admit your jealousy
Sharing some feelings openly with a friend or partner can help strengthen the relationship. This approach also allows the other person to understand how to communicate with you when, in the throes of jealousy, you cannot be objective. While admitting that you are jealous may seem like an act of weakness, a relationship built on honesty is certainly stronger than one based on deception.
- Avoid blaming the other person. No one can be considered the cause of what you feel: you are the only one responsible for your behavior.
- Speak in the first person and do not put the responsibility for your state of mind on the other. Instead of saying "You shouldn't have done that", try these words: "I feel terrible when we are around people and I can't tell you what I feel."
- You need to know that the way you perceive reality does not necessarily reflect the other person's point of view. Make an effort to listen to your partner, even if you don't share their ideas.
Step 7. Get help
If you have done verbal or physical harm to the other person, if you have made their life impossible or you have persecuted them in any way, part with them immediately and consult a professional. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist or refer you to courses on anger management.
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Others' Jealousy
Step 1. Learn what the difference is between love and jealousy
Jealousy is not love and being jealous does not mean being in love. Some people interpret it as an act of love, when in reality it is a manifestation of insecurity and / or lack of self-control. Jealous people tend to be insecure and ashamed.
Step 2. Set boundaries in the face of jealousy from your partner or friend
If your partner has inappropriate attitudes due to jealousy, determine what the limits are. Don't answer his questions if you feel uncomfortable. Don't cancel projects you've made with your friends and don't cut ties with the important people in your life.
- Explain gently, but firmly, "I'll answer your questions, but only once. I don't mean to repeat the same things over and over."
- "I will listen to your feelings, but I will not turn away from the people I love."
- "If you throw things in the air or start screaming, I'm going to sleep with my parents."
- "If you don't tell me about your feelings, you sulk and don't talk to me, first I'll explain what I'm feeling, then I'll leave home and won't come back until you call me."
Step 3. Do not accept any form of violence
Don't take responsibility for mistakes you haven't made. Perhaps it is easier to apologize and admit to being responsible when accusations are received, but the truth cannot be suppressed. Don't let your partner convince you that you are the cause of their jealousy and deserve the consequences just because you smiled politely at another person.
- Stay calm when your partner expresses their point of view, but don't agree to be subjected to a barrage of accusations.
- If your partner tries to stop you by grabbing your arm, hurts you, or breaks objects to vent their anger, separate them.
Step 4. Get help
If you feel in any way that you are in danger in the presence of a jealous person, get away from them as soon as possible. Jealousy is the main motive for marital crimes and is one of the most common causes of domestic violence.
Leave the house if your partner becomes physically aggressive and call 118 or the Pink Phone on 06 37 51 82 82
Part 3 of 3: Handling the Little Sibling Rivalry
Step 1. Encourage the individuality of all your children
Jealousy between siblings is inevitable because everyone has different needs and a natural inclination to believe they are not being pampered enough. Explain to your children that everyone's needs are different and that you don't have to divide everything equally - personal needs come up at different times, so the treatment may not be the same.
- Dedicated exclusively to your children. If the house allows it, make sure that everyone has their own bedroom. Allow your children to pursue their passions. Older siblings need to be able to be alone or with friends without necessarily including younger siblings.
- Show your children the importance of their individuality. When you have to choose an activity to do together, there is nothing wrong with indulging one's wishes, even if others disagree. Spend exclusive time with each of your children whenever you can.
- For example, if someone loves cycling, take them to the park every now and then. If your children are too young to be alone, hire a babysitter or coordinate with your partner or friend.
Step 2. Make a scheme
If your children often quarrel about using a computer or a particular game, write down the times each child has access to it. Similarly, if the object of the dispute is you, plan exclusive outings with each of them, according to their needs.
Step 3. Teach your kids to communicate assertively
Teach them how to express feelings directly and firmly, not to behave incorrectly and not to place the blame on others. Explain to your children that, for a better approach to discussions, sentences should never begin with "you", preferring the pronoun "I" followed by an explanation of what they are feeling. If your child admits that he is jealous, try to understand why.
- For example, if one of your children admits that they are jealous of an older brother, investigate the reasons for this statement. The cause of his jealousy could be the unfounded belief that he does not receive the same attention and that he is not up to par with his older brother. This will be the right opportunity to reassure and encourage him.
- If one of your children is envious of his brother's talent, encourage him to focus on his skills and avoid confrontation with others. If he is convinced that he is not particularly gifted, encourage him to try a new hobby and regain confidence in his abilities.
