Managing exclusion can take a very complex process. Psychologists agree that the emotional pain caused by social exclusion can hurt as much as physical trauma. However, do not despair, because there are several ways to overcome exclusion and to understand how to heal wounded feelings. Whether the marginalization is ongoing or whether it is a punctual episode, you can be able to find the motivations to win new friends and increase your self-esteem.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Managing an Exclusion Episode
Step 1. Accept what happened
Do not hold yourself responsible for the exclusion; The breaking of a friendship does not mean that you are a landslide or that you are condemned to never have friends again. The positive aspect linked to the high emotional charge of exclusion is that it is a relatively temporary condition. This means that once you accept your feelings of exclusion, they will disappear in a short time leaving you with a clear mind to react.
- Recognize the feelings of anger and pain towards those who have excluded you, but try not to dwell on them for too long. To accept them more easily, remember that these feelings are not eternal and that they are teaching you something important about social life.
- The pain of exclusion temporarily interferes with the ability to relate to others, so the sooner you are able to feel the full range of connected feelings, the sooner you can safely get back into the game to do something for them.
- However, the acute pain of rejection should not be ignored. Even if it really hurts, it can prompt you to go elsewhere to have relationships or let you know that you need to cut your relationship with a certain person or expectation.
Step 2. Put the event in perspective
Sometimes events can truly provide clues to aspects of behavior that are problematic for others. But we usually take rejection too personally. Sorrows such as those resulting from not being able to get the job you want or from being rejected by someone you would like to have a relationship with have very little to do, in reality, with the immutable parts of your personality.
- Don't turn the experience into a catastrophe. You must understand that exclusion or rejection is not a negative judgment of you, even if you have already experienced them before. In reality, it is only a sign of perceived incompatibility.
- If reflection tells you that you really did something to deserve exclusion, try to apologize. Providing simple excuses for your behavior is a good solution that can help you heal faster. It's okay because it feels like you've done a socially right thing that can also solve the problem.
Step 3. Consider the choices available to you
After the initial pain of rejection, most people enter an "evaluation phase" where they take stock and decide on the next steps. Taking action to relieve this pain is natural, so what can you do to feel more included? Exclusion actually makes you more sensitive to potential relationship signals, more prompt to accept suggestions and more willing to please. Take advantage of this special moment of sensitivity for new relationships! Ask yourself the following questions to find out if you want to test yourself with those who excluded you:
- Was it a "fortuitous" incident where I felt left out despite my friends' best efforts to include me?
- Am I certain that I have a genuine and satisfying relationship with the people who have excluded me?
- Can talking about it help me get over what happened? And if so, would others be willing to explain their point of view?
Step 4. Resist the urge to react violently
Another characteristic temptation is the impulse to get angry and to become aggressive towards those who have excluded you. Some people try to force the attention of others in an attempt to reaffirm a sense of control over the situation.
- Try to learn anger control techniques to use if these impulses escalate. When you are with people who evoke the pain of exclusion, monitor your body for signs of anger and take steps to discharge it without hurting or being aggressive towards others.
- Responding violently can set off a vicious cycle. People who behave aggressively tend to have even greater difficulty gaining social acceptance.
Step 5. Look for inclusion elsewhere
Whatever you decide about who excludes you, it's always good to have several groups of friends to avoid putting all your eggs in one basket. People often respond to rejection by seeking inclusion elsewhere to recharge their self-esteem.
- Consider the people in your life who make you feel included. Gaining self-confidence through a relationship is important for getting back on your feet, even if you still hope for something new and ultimately also continue making new friends.
- For example, even if family can't replace your social life, try spending some meaningful time with a parent or relative you are close to.
Step 6. Play the part of the organizer
If you find that the exclusion wasn't severe enough to stop trying to socialize with someone, make an effort to regain the feelings of mutual inclusion. You can do it without forcing by organizing a fun day outdoors or inviting this person somewhere where you know you will feel comfortable and able to socialize (like at home or in a bar you frequent).
Step 7. Report the exclusion which also has the tones of bullying
If you are excluded over and over again by the same person (or group of people), it can be bullying. This is serious behavior that can escalate quickly, so it's important to consult with your teachers, parents, or counselors who will address the issue with you. Be careful that exclusion is not a form of bullying and seek help in the following situations:
- Exclusion includes other malicious actions such as threats, rumors, and physical or verbal assaults.
- These behaviors occur recurrently and show no sign of abating.
- Those who exclude you pose a threat to you because they are physically stronger, more popular than you, or have access to information that would harm you if disseminated.
Part 2 of 2: Managing the emotional pain of exclusion
Step 1. Experience the sadness
Exclusion is not only embarrassing or stigmatizing, it is actually very painful. The suffering it causes stresses the same area of the brain that presides over physical pain and this means that marginalization is not just a blow to your ego. Try to understand that you will have unpleasant feelings and that grief in this situation is as important as a cast for a broken arm. The next day you won't want to go and play soccer, do you?
Try taking a day to yourself to work through what happened. Don't be afraid to burst into tears, listen to sad music in tune with your mood, or scream with a pillow on your face if you feel frustrated and angry. These feelings will pass if you manifest them
Step 2. Promote fulfilling relationships
Focus on trying to make new friends and on developing relationships that make you feel comfortable if you let yourself go. For example, try to find a confidant, someone who you can trust and who can be understanding, who can also talk to about serious personal problems. That way, even if you venture out of your comfort zone and risk something socially, you know you'll never be without someone to have relationships with.
Step 3. Give priority to quality over quantity
Part of the pain associated with rejection comes from the fact that many of us have rigid standards and "imperatives" about the pattern of social life we have in mind. Remember that it's not always realistic to expect to be a social butterfly with hundreds of different groups requesting your presence. A fulfilling social life has many aspects and it is the quality of relationships, not as many as you have, that makes you feel fulfilled and included.
For many people, having one or two deep friendships, full of attention and dedicated time, is more satisfying than having many, not easy to relate to each other
Step 4. Focus on self-confidence
When you have self-confidence, a very small number of social relationships can be perceived as exclusion (even if you receive the same invitations you received before developing self-confidence!). Self-esteem is a state of mind that involves the ability to understand that no matter how you feel now, there will always be a place for you and all the unique gifts you carry with you. Trust in the fact that the way in which the cards of life are distributed has the purpose of teaching you something important. The hardest part is cutting ties with expectations and prejudices about how things "should" turn out.
- Focus on past successes and the qualities that have enabled you to achieve them. Use them to improve other aspects of your life, such as making new friends.
- A common reaction to exclusion is to assume the role of the victim by pouting and demeaning too much. However, playing the victim indicates to others that you expect a very close relationship of friendship. This is generally not an attitude that appeals to people and may push you less to make friends than you realize.
Step 5. Remove the memory of those who excluded you
If you have been excluded with good reason from a certain environment (such as school or work) or a group of people, do everything you can to avoid the painful memories of the events. Of course, this cannot be done completely, nor should you put too much energy into trying to forget completely. Just try not to get in touch with specific people or possibly not to go back to the places where these things happened.
- Since exclusion is a strong emotional event, memories can still bring painful feelings long after you've made peace with what happened.
- For example, if the ones who excluded you are your schoolmates, you may not be able to avoid them. However, try to reduce face-to-face with them during recess and after class.
Step 6. Get physical
The endorphins that are released during cardiovascular exercises are notoriously useful for improving mood. Especially if the feeling of exclusion is linked to an event, physical activity can help to deal with the immediate emotional consequences. Try to incorporate at least strenuous walks into your routine, or do activities like high-intensity running, cycling, swimming, and yoga.
Step 7. Consider taking over-the-counter pain relievers
You could try the suggested dose of acetaminophen (such as Tylenol) when you go to sleep and in the morning when you wake up. The drug can help soothe the hurt feelings that usually arise from social rejection by lowering the sensitivity of our receptors to pain.
OTC (over-the-counter) medications such as acetaminophen can have side effects. You should consult your doctor before taking any drug, especially if you plan to use it for purposes other than those for which it has been tested and approved by health authorities and listed on the leaflet
Step 8. Look for a form of therapy
When exclusion occurs frequently or a circumstance becomes a fixation for a long time, you can feel really shattered. Since depression, substance abuse and suicide are common phenomena among people who have been marginalized for a long time, take steps to deal with your feelings as soon as possible. Psychologists can help you deal with these feelings and make the behavioral changes that are most likely to lead you to social success.
