Compulsive hoarding is a disorder that prompts a person to keep thousands of things that they don't need and don't use. The problem becomes serious when it prevents her from leading a normal life, such as living in a clean and tidy house and being able to socialize. Buildups can also negatively impact other family members. If your parents are like that, you have probably encountered difficulties such as lack of space and inability to invite your friends or spend time with family. Facing them means both understanding them and being willing to assertively carve out a space of your own. Here are some tips to help you cope with a physically and emotionally debilitating problem.
Steps
Step 1. Try to understand why people pile up
There are complex reasons behind this phenomenon. As for your parents, they might include the following:
- This parent has suffered many losses in their life, and feels compelled to hold on to things for fear of it happening again. Maybe he has lost a job, a loved one, a point of reference in his family, a house or something else.
- This parent is suffering from depression, anxiety or another mental illness. Consequently, he finds comfort in things. Initially, the accumulated articles may have a meaning, which is lost over time. Nonetheless, the instinct persists.
- Sometimes a parent tries to create a sense of stability in the most complicated times, for example when the family often moves or skips from job to job. Accumulating fills the void that has formed between the uncertainty of one's life and the certainty that things guarantee.
- In some cases, this parent may try to hold on to things in the vain hope that they will come in handy someday. If so, the accumulation challenge may be accompanied by the numerous dreams he has for you, but none of them truly reflect what you want or hope to do in life.
- The problem can appear unexpectedly among parents who are unable to let go of the memories they have collected in the course of your growth. This is due to the emotional pain they would feel in throwing away their children's drawings, art projects, report cards, themes, books, toys, clothes, and other things.
- Finally, and this factor is very important, such a disorder can be associated with pain. The person who accumulates wants to cling to a dead individual by keeping the items he had given her. In some cases, that amount of assets could fill an entire house.
Step 2. Recognize how you feel about the buildup
It is reasonable to be annoyed, frustrated, or overwhelmed by the disorder that reigns supreme in your life, especially if you have no control over its inordinate growth. At the same time, while your emotions are important, they must be balanced with compassion. Your parents aren't acting this way to hurt you - they may not even understand the impact this habit has on you. Realizing that hoarding is a compulsive disorder, you will realize that it does not concern you personally. For your own sake, remember that dealing with it means finding ways to handle it instead of blaming yourself.
- Be aware of the ways this disorder affects you; for example, it could isolate you from your friends, cause feelings of shame, and hinder your privacy. Your feelings are also legitimate and deserve attention. Try not to overwhelm your needs while trying to take care of your parents.
- Don't get angry if your parents pile up - anger won't solve anything.
- You can't make someone change, but you can definitely suggest that they do. This is your strength: recognize what is happening and prepare to help change the situation.
Step 3. Try to understand your parents' point of view
Remember, you are not trying to attack them. Instead, your attempt is to re-channel their actions to become constructive, to help both them and the family as a whole. Instead of acting like an antagonist, put yourself in their shoes from the start. You could try the following:
- Ask them questions about the feelings conveyed by the accumulated objects and what they represent. This can help you get an idea of strategies in which to display or rearrange items in a way that minimizes clutter and its impact, while still honoring their essence.
- Try to ask what they think about life in general, but do it gently. Have you noticed if your parents seem sad, down, grief, lost, or affected by other emotions that may be causing them to become trapped in the past or subjugated by something? In some cases, pushing them away from home to take a trip or go to an event could be helpful, especially if they spend most of their time indoors.
- Look for signs of compulsive accumulation. Do your parents constantly shop for useless things, and many times they don't even open them? Have you found a lot of old objects at home that are useless? Do they refuse to give them away?
Step 4. Talk to your parents to explain how you feel
While acknowledging their feelings is important, you should also express your emotions. You may not be sure how they will take it - it depends on their listening skills and willingness to make a change. In some cases, they may not even realize how you feel and may be tempted to downplay the impact this has on you. Try not to take it personally: they have a compulsive disorder that has nothing to do with you, but is a symptom of a wider disease. At least, explain how you feel to help you better understand what it means to you to live in such a situation. It is appropriate to use phrases such as "I feel sad because you accumulate things". If they love you, they will at least consider your feelings.
Step 5. Explain the dangers to them
As you discuss this issue, it will be helpful to examine some basic aspects beyond feelings, such as:
- The risk of getting hurt from the junk. The more confusion there is in your home, the more risks you run when objects fall, stumble, etc. This is of particular concern for less agile or older parents, who could get trapped among the collapsed items. However, this can have an impact at any age. For example, filling the stairs with things can make it difficult to move from the floor below to the floor above, and vice versa. This could cause it to fall and cause other hazards.
- Having a house full of things increases the risk of fire. Flammable objects, such as newspapers, magazines, stacks of paper, and so on, can cause this risk when they are accumulated. The danger is intensified if these materials block access or are stacked near heat sources, such as ovens, stoves and fireplaces. When all of these things prevent adequate ventilation in the area surrounding the devices, they can overheat and cause a fire.
- Failure to clean the house properly increases allergies and health problems. The accumulation of pollen, bacteria and dust and the inability to eliminate it due to piles of things is absolutely risky. Should the situation become unsustainable from a health point of view, this could violate basic hygiene rules.
- If people cannot enter the house or repair it because things are blocking access, the structure risks falling apart. This could cause it to lose value and living inside it will be less safe.
Step 6. Make constructive suggestions for making changes, with your help
While you can't change your parents, you can offer to relieve some of the burden on them. For example, you could offer to clean up certain areas of the house and give items to charity so they don't feel compelled to keep them. Suggest that they get rid of all the photos, transferring them to the computer - they will not lose them, but the spaces will be sorted. Remember that, while it seems easy to offer your help, intervene or take heavy boxes out of the house, this represents a real emotional problem for your parents, and you may find yourself with some resistance and a lot of rejection. Go gradually and offer to help here and there instead of aiming to fix everything in one go.
- Show your parents how to digitize stacks of paper. They can take pictures or scan bills, newspaper articles, brochures, drawings you made as a child, greeting cards, etc. They will then be able to keep these memories forever, without accumulating paper. If they are worried about losing digital information, make copies for them, using the cloud system or external hard drives. The less excuses they have to not get rid of these things, the better!
- Digitizing isn't just about paper - you can do it with music, videos and photos too. You may find yourself listening to indignant screams, maybe they'll tell you that digital files don't have the same quality as old vinyls. With a bit of perseverance and persuasion, you may be able to shrink at least part of the collection with this method, so that you have space to move freely again. If you don't have time to help, there are many services available to digitally transform your music and images.
- Help your parents set up ways to keep the dining room table from being full of bills and bills. In many cases, you can pay for them on the internet, so you don't need to have stacks of paper anymore. Ask if they want me to set up an electronic system for them, including direct debit in cases where that is relevant.
- Tell them the stories of those people who are truly in need of clothes, shoes and other items. Your parents have hoarded these items and never use them, but there are people who really need them. Talk about the neighbor's children who always have bare feet, about the school without pens, or about that friend who has recently started making pies and is looking for baking trays. Let them participate in the existence of associations that recycle or give to charity the things accumulated by people, so that they will be really useful to someone (but be careful, maybe they will start looking for other people's junk and take it home to give it to you for this purpose !). Offer to carry the accumulated things yourself to those in need.
- Provide a space to store items your parents don't want to give up. Look for magazine racks, sideboards, plastic containers and baskets to organize things and make getting around easier. Suggest that they set a day a month during which they will get rid of paper, recycle newspapers and magazines (they should mark this on the calendar). You could also organize a monthly recycling evening; on the occasion of this event, have dinner together and help them get rid of unnecessary things.
- Encourage them to borrow magazines instead of buying them. Your parents need to get used to just reading them, not keeping them. Set the date they should return them on their organizer or write it down on yours and remind them. Does not work? Subscribe them to digital versions. A computer full of junk is preferable to a house full of things.
- Reduce isolation. In some cases, this could be the cause of the buildups. Find opportunities that allow them to interact with other people if they live alone. Are there any social groups in your area? Can you hire someone to look after them regularly? How often can you drop in to see them or call them to chat? Open a Skype account for them and check it regularly, encouraging as many family members as possible to imitate you.
Step 7. Tell your parents about excessively cluttered spaces
If you live with them, your space must not be touched by accumulations. They need to know that they cannot fill your room, the place where you study or relax and the kitchen with things. If they try to place objects in forbidden zones, assertively establish your will and, gently but firmly, return them to their space. Repeating it will help them understand your point of view and that you mean it: it will reinforce your needs and the need for empty environments.
Obviously this implies a problem of imbalance in terms of power. If your parents value what you think and are willing to listen, your boundary should be accepted; perhaps in a state of resignation, but it will be respected. On the other hand, if they react badly to your need and the right to have a clean space, you will need to behave more carefully and immediately seek outside help. Your parents may also be dealing with a painful or difficult situation, but remember that you don't deserve to be hurt or abused
Step 8. Go out more often
If you live with your parents, you spend less time indoors. It is important to give yourself space and freedom, thinking without restrictions or being burdened by clutter. You could go to the library, a friend's house, a coffee shop, a park, a public gallery, a museum, a study room, etc. Go for long walks and maybe organize camping or nights out. This will allow you not to be suffocated by the junk, developing and rediscovering a space of your own.
Step 9. Encourage your parents to see a therapist
If you can, suggest some solutions to the problem. For them it must be clear that this ailment will not go away by itself: they must ask for help. Offer to accompany them to at least one session if they are reticent, or drive them to sessions if they can't go alone.
The more a person grabs hold of objects and refuses to let them go, the less willing they will be to voluntarily seek help. It helps to understand this, because it is possible that it will be a tough battle to get them to turn to someone. As far as you can get them to the therapist, you have no guarantee that they will return or change their behavior. Part of the success will depend on the checks you intend to make and the effort you can put in both emotionally and physically to help them make a behavioral change
Step 10. Expect everything
Understand that it will take a long time (perhaps even a lifetime) to get them treated. Never expect an overnight change. Do not think that instant miracles will happen: it will not happen. The effort usually has to be a team effort (not only the other members of the family must intervene, external people must be involved, perhaps professionals) and constant. Do your part: encourage them and be patient.
Make positive comments to acknowledge any changes you observe. He exclaims that you find it fantastic to be able to walk in certain spaces again, that the house is now much cleaner, etc. By affirming the most valuable aspects of the renewed order, you rewards the steps they have taken to change their lives
Advice
- In some cases, they may need to take medications. This happens when the buildups are linked to a specific mental or physical disorder. Only the doctor can determine the presence of a disease, so it is necessary to see a specialist if you have any suspicions.
- You certainly have your own opinions on the value of items and you may have very few for this very reason. In a world more and more submerged with useless things and a desire to possess, it is an authentic quality.
- By being able to recognize your parents' problem and situation, you may feel more adult than they are. In a way, you will assume the role of parent yourself. However, while this could turn your world upside down, remember that you still need to be pampered and appreciated. If your parents can't do this, surround yourself with friends and other people. You deserve to grow normally.
- If you are a minor, discuss the problem with your school counselor. Do not accumulate your feelings within yourself.
- There is a fine line between collecting and accumulation delusions, and it is often not noticed by the person concerned. If your parent collects things to deal with anxiety or difficult situations and it starts to get out of hand, this is a wake-up call. By being able to “clip his wings” right away, you could simply explain the difference between the passion for collecting and the accumulation caused by suffering. Of course, always be empathetic and thoughtful in your approach.
- Parents with senile dementia may be prone to hoarding. In this case, you need the help of a professional as well as show patience and tolerance.
Warnings
- In more complex situations, your city hall may be forced to intervene to remedy the unhealthy conditions.
- The hoarding of animals is a very special case and you will need the help of a professional to ensure their well-being and that of all family members. This must be done immediately. Many animals are kept in poor and unhealthy conditions, and receive irregular treatments, treatments to eliminate parasites and food. Not only is this a reportable abuse, it could also lead to serious health problems for the people living in contact with them.
- Sometimes accumulators are also thieves. The accumulated items have been stolen and offer no other pleasures after the thrill of the theft. If you find out that this is happening, seek the assistance of a psychotherapist immediately, as this parent of yours is in danger of being arrested if caught red-handed.
