Does your mother-in-law try to manage your house as if it were her own? Do you dispute your every decision and think you know everything, while you know nothing? Does he suddenly fall into the house and think it's perfectly normal and pretend not to hear? Did she take over your life? Face the situation and take back control of your family.
Steps
Step 1. Set boundaries
Let your mother-in-law know that she needs to schedule a time to visit you in advance, as your family may be busy. Don't make hasty decisions. Tell her, "My husband and I will discuss this and let you know." If he doesn't catch, you inhibit his ability to intrude. Does he have the keys to your house and use them without permission? If so, calmly explain to her that she needs to warn you in advance if she wants to visit you and ask her to return them to you. If she refuses, change the lock without warning her.
Step 2. If you have neither an answering machine nor a voicemail box, install one (or both)
Check your calls - you should decide when you want company and not the other way around.
Step 3. Be aware of the pressure your actions will put on your husband
You must be very delicate because you are putting him in a position to deny his mother's needs and consider that their past is longer than yours. Talk quietly to him about the three issues you care about most (don't just complain about all the problems) and ask for his support to change the situation.
Step 4. Talk to your husband about his role in the relationship with your mother-in-law
Ideally, he should be the one to set boundaries to safeguard your family, since the mother will have to accept what she says, but you and him must agree 100% on the problem, on the expectations and on the approach to change the situation. There is a lot of room for remorse and emotional manipulation during these discussions. Try to do the right thing next to your husband and respect his relationship with his mother, but explain what your needs are, so that your family has space and autonomy, while you have the right to make mistakes, since the life you are living and yours. You are old enough (and wise) to plan and live without parental interference.
Step 5. Make a list of their abusive behaviors and propose effective solutions
Some behaviors could be directly offensive, others could be latent and underhanded. Open your heart. He is not a demon, he is just going through some difficulties in emotionally separating from his son.
Step 6. Encourage her to pursue the interests she has left aside
Try to mend your relationship by accompanying her to some of these activities. He will have had to give up many things to raise the man you love and now he doesn't know how to satisfy his needs.
Step 7. Encourage relationship with your husband
Remind her that she has a long and wonderful relationship (with someone other than her son!) And ask her how she managed to make it last.
Step 8. Offer her a new role
Maybe tell your mother-in-law and father-in-law that you would like them to have a special relationship with their grandchildren. Would they like to take care of them one Sunday a month? That way, you'll have time to improve your relationship with your husband by coping with times when your mother-in-law drives you crazy. Be sure to provide them with rules regarding food, timing and such things, letting them know that if they fail to respect your way of educating their children, the visits will have to be stopped.
Step 9. It will only be a matter of time until your in-laws grow old and will have to depend more on you and your husband for physical and possibly financial support
Therefore, try to establish these boundaries and show some affection towards them.
Step 10. A person cannot live the life of another by replacing him, but mothers are often called to do so in order to raise their children and support their husbands
His attempt to run your life for you is a continuation of what he has done for his family over the past few decades.
Step 11. You absolutely must be gentle with her and her feelings, otherwise you will lose your husband's support; furthermore, it will be necessary to show a united front should things change
If nothing works, consider moving. It might be an extreme move, but your family's happiness matters and the distance might minimize unwanted visits, but it could also mean longer visits where your mother-in-law will stay asleep.
Advice
- Stop any kind of attack aimed at your husband. Let it be known that you will not tolerate personal attacks or feelings of guilt.
- Try to be kind, but firm.
- Consider the fact that your mother-in-law is probably codependent and that all or most of the above could only add fuel to the fire.
- Clarify your needs and desires. Write them down and make several copies. He may claim to have "lost" them or "forgotten" not to have to do something in particular.
