Codependency is a social disorder, or a symptom of immaturity, that is generally passed on in families and is becoming more common due to the growth of baby boomers (children born in the postwar period).
Steps
Step 1. Learn to recognize the symptoms of codependency
There are many symptoms and most of them are related to respecting personal boundaries. Codependent people have a tendency to invade other people's emotional space. Typical behaviors are constant (unnecessary) requests for help, considering yourself the only source of consolation and support, and trying to control yourself.
Step 2. Study books about codependency and its effects on family and relationships
Search for materials on the internet and try to understand the causes of relationship difficulties.
Codependent parents, for example, can rely on adult children in an unhealthy way, reversing the child-parent dynamic. Moving away from this dynamic is a positive way to set healthy personal boundaries. It does not mean being a bad child, even if the parents claim otherwise
Step 3. The best way to get away from a codependent relationship is to stop focusing on the other person and shift the focus to yourself and your health
When you prioritize your need to grow, mature and become a healthier person, you will change your codependent relationship.
-
Be careful - this operation will destabilize the relationship and complicate things before yielding results. Imagine that you and the person with whom you are in a codependent relationship are tied together by a string and are on two ladders next to each other. In the present situation, you are in balance - you are standing on the same rung of the ladder and the rope between you is tight. Accept the unwritten rules of your relationship.
When you start to feel better, and to climb the ladder, the other person will feel the pull of the rope and will try to bring you back down, they may even try to go down a few steps to bring you back to the starting position. It's normal. Continue your work of growth and maturation to improve your mental health. The rope can stretch.
Step 4. Eventually the other person will have to start healing or will have to reconsider the importance of the relationship (more frequently they will choose the former)
Step 5. If the other person does not learn to respect your needs and growth, the healthiest choice is to maintain boundaries
Find ways to make choices that are independent of the other person's needs. In the worst case, it may be necessary to limit your contacts to ensure your personal growth.
Advice
- Climbing the "health ladder" will make you feel bad and give you the impression that you are hurting the other person. Consider it the pain it takes to heal an old wound, knowing the end result will be good for everyone involved.
- Be honest with yourself about what you are doing and why, but keep in mind that you will probably not be understood by the other person, who will be focused on bringing you back to old habits.
- It may be helpful to give your mate some subtle clues about your upcoming growth and change. This way the other person can slowly adapt to changes and not feel taken by surprise. If, however, she is having trouble accepting the changes, take a decisive step forward to let her know that you are serious.
- Beware of public attempts at sabotage, a codependent way of embarrassing or shaming you from the other person to bring you back to old ways.
- Watch out for increased conflict and tension as you grow and mature, and try to defend your personal boundaries.
Warnings
- True addiction can create codependency. In some cases it can be difficult to distinguish between physical and emotional needs. In the case of elderly parents, be careful, as addiction may be the only way for them to get help due to their disabilities. Complicated situations can arise, but keeping your emotional boundaries doesn't mean abandoning people who really need help taking care of themselves, preparing meals, cleaning, etc. But be prepared to accept criticism, because you won't be able to provide them with what they need exactly the way they want it.
- Codependent people, especially peers and family members, can make a scene, blame you, or try to manipulate you to stay in control. This will especially happen when you try to move away and redefine boundaries. Be prepared and don't give in for your own good. Adults are responsible for their well-being. Even if they can't get over their codependency, they will survive your drifting away to a healthier life.
- If you feel that the other person is acting dangerously irrational in response to your changes, advise them to visit a psychologist.
- If you are disabled remember that you are still entitled to your own personal space, even if you are physically dependent on other members of your family. You have the right to be treated with dignity and respect and to have a say in your life. There is a big difference between controlling others and controlling yourself. In the worst case, you may need to move and get help from institutions instead of relying on family members.
