Trying to help someone cope with death is difficult and strange, and with suicide it is much worse. Those who have lost a loved one to suicide not only suffer from a heavy burden on their shoulders, but feel anger, guilt, confusion, shock, horror, and a trauma that goes beyond "normal" reactions to death. People may not know that those they loved were not happy, they may be angry that they were left, feel guilty and hate each other for not being able to avoid it. Victims of suicide aren't just those who die physically - suicide leaves a big mark on the people who remain.
While it is a terrible position to be in, there is a second equally painful one: that of trying to help someone who has lost a loved one in this terrible way. Emotions and reactions are different for everyone, which is why it is so difficult to comfort. Should you talk about it, or try to get them to think about something else? Should you reassure them or try to avoid the topic? Should you let them cry, or help them get better? Helping someone who has lost a loved one by suicide is not like helping someone who is facing loss of natural causes, it is painful and often confusing. However, it is not impossible. Here are the main ways to support someone who has lost a friend or family member to suicide.
Steps
Step 1. Stay calm
If you are close to someone who is grieving and you don't know what to say, then shut up. Don't feel like you have to speak up, as you may get the opposite result by saying something wrong. Sitting silently can make you feel embarrassed, but one of the biggest helps you can give is to sit next to your friend, put your hand around his shoulder, and let him cry silently. Your presence next to that person says what in these moments they most need to feel: "I love you and you are not alone!"
Step 2. Allow this person to speak or
.. keep quiet. At certain times, the mourner will want to yell at someone. Who that "someone" will be will depend on the moment. They may want to scream at God who did not avoid that suicide, at the beloved who did not ask for help, at anyone who did wrong with him, including themselves. They might mean completely crazy things. In those moments, it is essential that they have friends and a family that allows them to say everything without judging, giving advice or correcting them. If the person in pain says wrong or hurtful things or just plain nonsense, don't use this opportunity to show off your counseling skills. A simple sentence like this will be more useful: "I love you. I know that you are in pain even if I can't imagine how much, but know that I am always here for you when you need it and for as long as you want. And believe me: I know that you'll make it. " The person probably knows that what they say is irrational (and will feel guilty about it), so accept it unconditionally and love them anyway to help them.
Step 3. Keep your phone on
A person who has lost someone to suicide will have sleep problems. He'll wake up in the middle of the night - if he's lucky enough to fall asleep - and the loneliness as well as sadness will be tremendous. During the first few weeks it is essential that the person has someone to call at any time of the day or night. They may feel embarrassed and say they never will, but surely they will need to be heard even at three in the morning and you can be the person sitting in front of them. Physical darkness can heighten emotional darkness, and having someone to talk to during the night can help get you to a time when dawn will remind you that there is always hope.
Step 4. Do things that show you think instead of just reacting
When death occurs, social customs dictate that the mourner be loaded with flowers, support calls, and letters. These things are essential and appreciated. However, once the trauma is over, almost everything will turn into a faded stain. After a few months the person to be helped will not remember that you sent him a note or flowers or whoever phoned in the days immediately following the suicide. What will remain impressed instead will be the friend who demonstrates a real interest, in addition to social conventions. The Advice section will give you some examples of things that can help in these circumstances although remember that they are always specific and different for each one.
Step 5. Remember difficult dates
From the day of the suicide, to the wake, the funeral and the burial (about two weeks), those who are left will be surrounded by all those people who somehow want to be there to give some support. However, the crowd will quickly disappear as soon as the "official" social process is completed, leaving the person to suffer alone to face their pain. The best way to show him that you are not alone is to remember the most difficult dates. "Monthly anniversaries" are the first thing you remember in a suicide. If the beloved died on October 10, the worst days to face will obviously be November 10, December, January, etc. In particular, the first six months are the hardest (perhaps even the longest for some) and a phone call or a note on those exact occasions communicates an authentic feeling. Other difficult dates include the deceased's birthday, any particular day they shared with the spouse (for example, the date of their wedding anniversary or first date), and special holidays. The joy associated with those given now is potential pain.
Step 6. Remember that you don't have to be a superhero
You don't have to fix everything, you can be the "first" to help and comfort in the caution days that follow and during the rest of his life. Remembering these things you will be light years compared to those who are kind, but cannot stimulate that feeling of hope in those who perhaps feel they have no reason to think about the future.
Advice
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Making something memorable for this person is an individual process. Three examples:
- Make sure your friend eats well. You may notice a certain lack of appetite caused by the event which inevitably leads you to stop worrying about yourself. Try to make sure this person is sinking enough - even if it means having to give him liquid substitutes for a while.
- Offer to accompany him to special events, especially those he went to with the missing person. For example, if your friend and (dead) husband went to the movies every Thursday, offer to go with her the first time she intends to try again without him.
- Make a CD of specially chosen music with lyrics that give hope without pretending to have all the answers. This thing requires creativity, but it is a thought that will not be forgotten.
- PC programs can be of great help in remembering difficult dates. If you use Microsoft Outlook or some similar schedule for your appointments, you can schedule a notification for anything, including those days when you need to remember to call your friend. Organize notifications of monthly anniversaries or the days that interest you and stop for a visit or call on those days: it's simple, but very effective.
- Instead of sending flowers or a card, do something personal like take something to the bereaved home. Not only will you ease the burden on his family, but you will eliminate some of his expenses by helping him in difficult times: a portable fridge with ice, plastic cutlery, paper plates, a tart or cake, a pan of baked pasta, drinks, tea bags (decaffeinated) or something handmade. Anything you want returned to you must have a name on it.
Warnings
- Don't assume you know what their recovery period will be like. Remember that your friend will never be the same person again. This tragedy profoundly changes people. This is not a bad thing, but their outlook and approach to life may vary in a more sober or more "sad" way than they would previously.
- This person may lash out at you multiple times. Perhaps she feels that she simply "doesn't understand", "doesn't get it" or she is too angry or scared to be rational and clear right now. Remember that he is not in the right mindset to take it. If the person wants space and time, then respect them. But if she seems embittered, resentful, or hateful, don't be angry. After all, it is normal in these circumstances.
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Don't hesitate to recommend professional help or assistance from a psychiatrist or psychologist to your friend - especially if there are symptoms that are not normally part of the bereavement response. Eg:
- Guilt about things other than the actions taken not taken by the survivor.
- Suicidal thoughts.
- Morbid worry about nonsense.
- Marked and prolonged inability to continue with their daily activities.
- Hallucinatory experiences as well as thinking about hearing voices and seeing the dead person.
- Be careful when giving advice, especially during the first few weeks. Surviving the loss of a partner through suicide is a very long process that takes months, if not years, not days. In the weeks following the trauma, the leftover's ability to make and receive criticism will be at a minimum. If you really want to give advice, perhaps the best is to gently encourage him to rely on professional help from a therapist or spiritual counselor who has experience in this regard. Even so, don't force it! Always be positive and encouraging, never critical.
- Don't think there is a "right time" for mourning. Everyone's process is unique. Most people who survive a loved one's suicide can take years to return to normal. State from the start that you will always be there for your friend when they need it and remind them often!
- Mourning patterns can vary from culture to culture. If your friend is different from you in this respect, behaviors and emotions that may seem unusual or exaggerated may be a normal reaction for him.
