It can be a difficult task to persuade your mother because she knows she has the last word on everything: she's in charge. So, if you really want to convince her of something, you need to plan your requests well in advance, and then present them to her as a mature and respectful person. If you can show her you've thought through it and have a plan that takes her concerns into account, all you need to do is get her to see the situation from your point of view.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Prepare a Plan
Step 1. Take the time to prepare
You're about to have a tough conversation that could easily turn into a fight if you're not careful. To avoid any conflicts, you will have to consider carefully how to carry on the discussion, without getting to argue. Don't be impulsive! Think about it thoroughly, give yourself enough time to come up with a proposal with which you have a good chance of winning your mother's trust.
- If what you have to ask for has a deadline - for example, you want to get a ticket to a concert or have permission to go to a party - start planning well in advance.
- It is best to ask her permission long before the deadline, in case her initial reaction is negative. The first answer is not always the definitive one - you will likely be able to change her mind as the days go by. However, you need time for this to happen.
Step 2. Gather your ideas and make a list of reasons why you want such a thing
The obvious answer, of course, is "Because I like it!", But it won't be enough to convince your mother. In addition to contentment, think about the constructive benefits you could derive from such a situation.
- For example, after five years of absence your favorite band is coming to your area, so if you don't take this opportunity, you risk not seeing it so easily in the future.
- Maybe there is the possibility of having an important experience to forge an even stronger bond with your friends. So, it would be a real disappointment if you were the only one in your group who wasn't allowed to go to a birthday party.
- Can you offer her what you want as an opportunity to learn something? For example, "Driving to school on my own will teach me to be self-sufficient. I'll have to wake up and prepare myself on time, without having to be prodded by anyone."
Step 3. Specify the reasons why you feel you deserve a certain thing
Surely every day your mother has to deal with problems that you don't even realize: work, bills, taking the children to school, cooking, cleaning and caring for the needs of her kids. When she receives a request in addition to these duties, she may be tempted to say "no" because she already has so much to think about. To avoid this reaction, bring his attention to the things you are engaging in. Why should you deserve what you are asking of her? Here are some examples:
- You've been getting good grades in school for some time or maybe you've worked hard to improve a low grade in a subject you're struggling with.
- You carry out your household chores every day without complaining.
- You haven't asked for a favor in a long time.
Step 4. Make your request more attractive
Parents always "bribe" their children to make them behave well: from pocket money to trips to the funniest places. Why not use the same strategy with your mother? After you tell her why you want what you are asking and why you think you deserve it, you should be able to outline what you will offer her in return. Here are some examples:
- You'll be looking after the younger siblings for two nights over the weekend, so your parents can spend some time on themselves going out.
- You will do other household chores. Think carefully about something your mother would be very grateful for. If you know she gets back pain when vacuuming, take it out of her hand as soon as you see her using it.
- If she hates cleaning your cat litter box, tell her that you will take care of it personally from now on.
- If your request is overspending, offer to pay what you can afford.
- Clean part or all of the house.
- Tidy up the garden, garage and terrace.
- Clean and / or wash the car.
- Kitchen.
- Wash the dishes.
- Take out the trash and / or take care of recycling waste.
- Do your laundry.
- The important thing to remember is that the more you point out, the more credible your promise will be. You won't be so convincing if you promise to "be good", your mother will most likely not trust your words. However, by making clear and precise promises, he will notice the difference.
Step 5. Predict his concerns
Put yourself in your mother's shoes: what do you think can lead her to say no? Even if you think his reasons are unfair, keeping them in mind and thinking about how to get around them will have a better chance of getting what you want. This will likely force you to compromise, so be prepared to give up some of what you want. For instance:
- She doesn't like the idea that there are people of the opposite sex at a party - tell her she can come and check if she wants.
- She's too tired to take you to the carnival this weekend - tell her you'll take care of all her chores the night before so she can relax and sleep peacefully. On the other hand, this commitment on your part means that you will have to take care of the laundry, cooking, cleaning and everything else.
- She is worried that once you get permission to drive in the city alone, you won't be honest about where you are going: tell her that you will call her from a friend's home phone or from the landline of the place you are going to, so that she can check with the caller's number that you are where you told her.
Part 2 of 3: Submit your Application
Step 1. Choose the right time
Timing is key when engaging in an important conversation. If you start making a request when she is busy with something else or when she's in a bad mood after a long day at work, you probably won't get very far.
- Watch her carefully and find a time when she seems relaxed and in a good mood, as long as she doesn't intend to dedicate it to herself.
- Try not to disturb her when, at the end of the day, she has some free time to relax or when she is busy with something important. Find the right middle ground, which is a circumstance in which you see her relaxed and well disposed.
Step 2. Give her all the necessary information
You know you're asking her for something she most likely won't give you. Therefore, provide her with all the information she will need to dispel any hesitation. For instance:
- If you want to ask her for a smartphone, explain that through the app store she will be able to control how much of her money you are going to consume and that she will be able to manage your expenses.
- If you are asking her to go to a party, tell her where it will be held, who was invited, and which adults will be in control of the situation. Give her the phone numbers so she can talk to them directly and calm down.
- If you are asking her for permission to go out with someone, give her all the information about the person you are dating. Tell her you'd like it if she got to know her before making a decision about it.
Step 3. Ask her the real reason she is denying you something
Sometimes, parents give "parental" answers instead of the true ones. Who has never heard "Why did I decide so!". When such a statement comes from a figure who holds some authority, a vague "no" is much more difficult to challenge than a very specific refusal: for example, "I am your mother and you must obey me." Of course, you can't argue in front of this position! However, if he gives you substantiated elements that clarify his reasoning, you can more easily challenge his arguments.
- Maintain some curiosity, without getting defensive. There is a big difference between yelling "WHY?" in front of your mother and ask her "Could you please explain to me what your particular problem is? I just want to understand. Maybe there is something I could do to calm you down."
- Be open-minded as he talks to you. Your mother has had various experiences in her life and she loves you unconditionally, so her behavior is likely to be dictated by what she thinks is best for you. You may not agree with her, but you need to respect her opinions.
Step 4. Ask her to set her terms
At the time of the request, ask her to change the rules and limits of what you asked for. This way, you will show respect for his authority. She will appreciate that you see her as a person who can be reasoned with and who only wants the best for you.
- "What would you like me to do to earn what I ask of you?"
- If you've already tried to entice her with a few favors, but it didn't work, this opening strategy, which gives all control to your mother, could get you closer to your goal.
- Be open and willing to compromise.
Step 5. Ask her to think about your request if she says "no" at first
Even if your mom immediately says "no", it doesn't necessarily mean the conversation is over. Instead of crying or losing your temper, show her how mature you are.
- "Okay, Mom, at the moment you are saying no. If this is your final answer, I respect it, but can I ask you to wait a week to reconsider your decision? If I behave well in the meantime, maybe I can change your mind".
- "I'm not expecting you to change your mind. I'm just asking you to let me open a window so you'll have a chance to see how hard I work to deserve what I want."
Step 6. Choose your battles
If you make a wish, but it's not a big deal if you can't get it, maybe you should give it up if you refuse. If your every request becomes a matter of state, over time your mother will get tired of arguing with you and will begin to deny you everything you ask.
- Try to discern what's important from what doesn't, so as not to constantly annoy her. Reserve your strength to argue when it's worth it.
- If going to the movies with your friends for a weekend isn't a big priority, maybe it's best to argue when something much more important is at stake, like a cell phone or driving lessons.
Part 3 of 3: Maintain a Respectful Tone
Step 1. Stay calm
If you have the impression that your mother is about to say no, anger and frustration are likely to take over: you feel warm, your heart beats faster, your voice begins to rise.
- Even if you have every reason to feel nervous, you need to know that to get the best of an argument, you need to learn to control your emotions.
- Strive to keep your voice normal and controlled. If you find yourself screaming or raising your voice, take a few breaths to calm yourself and relieve the tension in your throat when you get angry.
- Find a balance between your reasoning and your emotionality. The discussion should focus on the arguments you have previously matured rather than transcend because of the feelings you feel at the moment.
- If you are concerned about losing your temper or crying, prove mature by asking your mother if you can take a break to calm down.
- You might say, "Mom, I think I'm too upset and I don't think it helps if I start crying or screaming. But I'd like to keep talking about this. I just need a break to sort my mind out. Can we stop for a moment, please? ".
Step 2. Choose your words carefully
Words can greatly affect how your mother considers what you ask of her. There is a big difference between saying "Don't let me do what I want" and "I would be very happy and grateful if you would let me". Here are some ways to politely address him:
- 'Please, can I …'
- 'Please, could I …'
- 'It would be really cool if you could …'
- 'It would really help if you could …'
- 'I would appreciate it very much if …'
Step 3. Don't interrupt it
In any discussion, however respectful and civil it may be, you will probably want to continue supporting your thesis, even when your mother is speaking. He is not very respectful, in fact you will give the impression that what you think deserves more space than his opinions.
- Remember that when you talk to your mother, she is the one who has the power. If you take it the wrong way, the chances of getting what you want are basically nil.
- Control the urge to stop, even if you have important things to say.
- Wait until he has finished explaining his reasoning. It is not enough to wait for him to finish speaking, because in reality you should listen and understand what he is saying.
- The more you listen, the more you will be able to clearly challenge his speech. This attitude is more effective than dumbly advancing your point of view.
- To continue to show her how seriously you take her point of view, while speaking, use expressions that make a connection with what she says, such as "ok", "sure", "I agree" and so on. This way he will understand that you are really paying attention to what he says.
Step 4. Use body language consciously
To persuade your mother, use all the weapons you have at your disposal: non-verbal communication is a very effective tool in circumstances where it is necessary to persuade someone.
- Maintain eye contact: You will show attention, avoiding appearing distracted as if you want to be somewhere else.
- Extend your arms and legs. Many people think that crossed arms and crossed legs represent a sign of closure or distance. It is best if you are open to what your mother has to tell you.
- Nod as he exposes his position. Just like expressions that make a "connection" to what she says, nodding your head will show you are following her.
Step 5. Be honest with her
If your mother finds out that you lied, it will be much harder to win her trust when you need to convince her of something in the future. With her, be forward-thinking, sincere and honest about everything, even if you think she won't like it. You have already predicted his concerns and planned his reactions when you considered your request. If you have done a good job, you will have nothing to hide.
