Being with someone who does not want to have romantic commitments can be difficult and this situation can cause various problems within the relationship. If your view of romantic relationships is different from that of the person you love, keep in mind that these problems won't go away on their own. Talk about it together to find out why she's afraid to commit and decide how to carry on with your relationship.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Prepare to Talk to the Other Person
Step 1. Understand that hiding the problem won't fix it
It's easier to pretend it doesn't exist at all. However, don't keep putting it aside, otherwise it could fuel resentment. If it worries you, it means that it is important and must be faced together.
If the same problem frequently comes up in your speeches and then disappears, take the time to talk about it clearly and make a decision together
Step 2. Be honest with yourself
Take a step back and ask yourself: "What do I want?". Think about everything that drives you to continue this relationship and why you have chosen this person. What makes you happy? What causes you to have doubts about this person?
Some people seem drawn to unstable relationships. Ask yourself if you like to live in the uncertainty or tension caused by this situation
Step 3. Prepare your speech
By having an idea of what you are going to say, you will not lose the thread and prevent emotions from taking over during the discussion. Identify the main points to touch around which to develop your speech. Make sure that the conversation doesn't take other paths or stray from your reasoning.
- The central point could be: "I would like ours to become a serious and exclusive relationship."
- To prepare yourself, reflect on the evolution of the discussion. How should it end? Start here and try to tackle your speech so that you get to that point.
Step 4. Determine what outcome you would like to achieve by comparing yourself with your partner
Before you start talking, think about the outcome of the conversation. Do you want the other person to make you a promise? Are you thinking of giving her an ultimatum ("either you're serious or the relationship is over")? Think about how you intend to approach the discussion and the goals you would like to achieve. Try to stick to your plans.
Before entering the discussion, think about your time limits. Are you unwilling to carry on this relationship, unless the other person proposes to formalize it within a year? Will you immediately close your story if he refuses to use the correct term to define your presence in his life (girlfriend / boyfriend)?
Step 5. Don't assume how it will turn out
Don't assume you know how your confrontation will end. Rather, observe and be willing to accept whatever may happen. Don't think you know how the other person will react or what they may say. He may surprise you with his words or reveal something you didn't know about him.
Part 2 of 3: Talk to your Partner
Step 1. Start the conversation
It is not easy to start talking about your emotions. At first explain what you want from the other person. Tell her what matters to you and to what extent it affects her.
- You might start by saying, "I like our relationship and I hope it is the same for you. I hope you are as happy to be with me as I am. The only bitter note is the difference in thinking about making a commitment. seriously. Can we talk about it? ".
- For more information, read the article How to Handle a Difficult Conversation.
Step 2. Talk about what each of you wants
Be honest and encourage your partner to do the same, as it is in your best interest to share everything you think and feel.
Communicate what you expect from the other person and your relationship. Try saying, "I would like to build a relationship with you and I would like it to be exclusive."
Step 3. Ask a few questions
Ask your partner what is most important to you and listen carefully to see if they feel satisfied. Are you afraid of rejection or disappointment? If something is not clear, ask for more clarification.
Among the questions you can ask him, consider: "From what point of view does our relationship enrich you? What brings you to be with me? Is there something you are not satisfied with? What are your fears when you are in a relationship?"
Step 4. Listen carefully
Listen to the other person's words. Don't think about what you want to tell him while he talks to you. Instead, try to appreciate the fact that he is opening up to you and better understand his point of view.
- If something is not clear to you, investigate by asking, "What experiences have fueled your fear of seriously engaging in a relationship?"
- For more information, read the How to Listen article.
Step 5. Avoid accusing
Choose your words carefully, otherwise the other person may feel like they are being accused. Avoid saying "You never have …" or "You always have …". Do not place any responsibility on her. Take responsibility for what you feel and think, and acknowledge that blaming it will not help your relationship grow.
Show that you are in control of your feelings. Speak in the first person instead of using phrases that can take you away from your responsibilities. For example, instead of saying: "Why don't you want to formalize our relationship?", Express yourself in this way: "I suffer from the fact that you do not consider my desire to formalize our relationship important"
Step 6. Set goals together
Try to end the conversation by finding a compromise. It is not easy when one person wants to end the relationship, while the other wants to save them. However, you can agree on some goals, such as treating yourself with respect or prioritizing whether or not children are present.
Another goal might be to promise each other loyalty or make a serious commitment for a month
Step 7. See a therapist
Your partner may be suffering from abandonment syndrome or have other problems that prevent him from seriously bonding with another person. Perhaps his difficulties have roots in his past relationships (for example, he was betrayed) or in childhood and are holding him back in romantic relationships. Individual or couple therapy can be helpful in working through these problems with the help of a mental health professional.
Part 3 of 3: Continuing your Life
Step 1. Avoid waiting
If the discussion ends without any concrete solution, you may feel more confused than before and think about leaving your life on hold waiting for the other person to decide whether to commit to continuing your relationship. However, think about whether his hesitation serves you or hurts you. Don't put aside your desires, aspirations, and needs while your partner thinks about what he wants.
- Ask yourself, "If the relationship doesn't work, will I regret what I did?"
- Ask yourself again, "Am I allowing this person to direct my life? Am I giving them this control?"
Step 2. Adopt the radical acceptance approach
You have every right to remain with this person despite your differences of opinion about romantic relationships. In this case, you might want to free yourself from any negative feelings, pain, guilt or judgment. Radical acceptance means deciding to accept reality as it presents itself, without imposing oneself with one's desires. It means accepting everything that seems unfair or inflexible without resisting what is impossible to change.
- If you continue a relationship that doesn't fully meet your needs, then you have to accept the situation. If the other person has made it clear to you that they have no intention of changing, the final choice is up to you. If you stay with her, you can't express a grudge for your decision. Rather, acknowledge your choice and accept the consequences.
- Think, "I've made this decision and accept the feelings and consequences that come with it."
Step 3. Cultivate your interests
Don't let your fears take over. Use your energy to carry on the passions that encourage you to grow and become a better person. Follow your hopes and dreams, and remember that you have the potential to achieve your goals beyond your relationship.
Start meditating, doing yoga, or relaxing. Join the gym or cultivate an interest, such as sewing or painting
Step 4. Respect all agreements
If you have set goals or reached some agreement during the discussion, respect the decisions you have made. Also invite your partner to do the same. If on the one hand it was important to clarify, on the other hand it is important to keep your word.
- Whether you've promised each other loyalty for a month, have decided to get together and move in within two months, or get married within three, make sure these agreements are respected.
- If the other person refuses or does not want to keep their promises, consider their behavior as a red flag.
Step 5. Break the relationship
If you see that your needs are not being met, it is not worth continuing this story. You will probably feel that you are using more strength and energy than your partner, without receiving any gratification. If there is no balance in giving and taking, consider leaving it. If this problem seems insurmountable to you, end the relationship.
