Have you ever found yourself at odds or angry with someone without knowing how to solve the matter? Finding a sensible and ingenious solution to a conflict is a fundamental skill that many adults cannot master. Whether it's neutralizing potentially harmful quarrels with your partner or tackling tough problems at work or at school, a few key tips will go a long way in equipping you with the right tools to resolve conflicts.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Making Smart Decisions at the Beginning
Step 1. Be prepared for strong emotions
Contrasts bring out our emotional nature, even if the contrast itself is not emotional. Since it's hard to calm down in the heat in the moment, it can be helpful to repeat something like, “Okay, I know arguing with Roberto usually makes my blood boil, so I'll try to stay calm. I will not allow emotions to determine the course of the conversation. I will count to three before answering any of his statements, especially if I perceive it as an accusation . Being prepared for strong emotions will allow you to dodge some - instead of being taken by surprise, you should see them arrive early enough.
Step 2. Don't let the conflict escalate or it will get worse
Some (small) contrasts end with nothing and end, if ignored for a long time, but most of the larger contrasts get worse if ignored categorically. This happens because we perceive them as threats to our general well-being and the tension related to the perceived threat increases when two or more people meet in a stalemate, just like in a duel of the past.
- Many other things happen when you let the contrast escalate. You begin to analyze the situation too much, looking for cruel intentions, when there was not even one to begin with. Well-meaning friends and companions unintentionally give you the wrong advice. The list is long.
- The best thing is to face the situation directly from the start. If the other person or other people suggest a sincere confrontation, accept it. If the other person seems unfriendly, communicate with her. Like asking a special girl or guy to drive you to a prom or hit an important deadline, the longer you wait, the harder it will be.
Step 3. Don't get into conflict necessarily expecting negative results
People who fear conflict have often been prepared by past experiences to expect a consistently negative outcome: Unhealthy relationships and an abusive childhood can cause them to fear conflict, to the point that they view any potential conflict as a threat to the relationship and shy away from potential conflicts so much that they ignore their own personal needs. While this imitative behavior is often rational, it is not healthy and does not refer to all conflicts. In fact, many conflicts are dealt with respectfully and sensitively, ending on a sweet note rather than a bitter note.
As a general rule, give the benefit of the doubt to the person you are conflicted with. Expect the person in question to be able to deal with the conflict with maturity and respect. If it proves you can't, you will reevaluate it at that point, but don't rush to conclusions ahead of time
Step 4. Try to control stress during conflict
Contrasts can cause extreme stress because we are afraid of the impression we give to the other person, if the relationship will suffer a break or what we will lose as a result of the conflict … it is undoubtedly stressful. However, while stress is very useful when you flee to safety or abandon a sinking car, it is not very productive in an argument. It causes argumentative and aggressive behavior, momentarily represses rational thoughts and causes defensive reactions, all negative elements during a conflict.
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Conflict in the Moment
Step 1. Pay attention to your non-verbal cues
Most conflicts are mediated through language, but that doesn't mean you only have to pay attention to how you formulate your sentences, which is still important. Pay attention to the way you pose, posture, tone of voice, eye contact. Like it or not, these aspects communicate more than you think about your propensity to resolve the conflict.
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Maintain an "open" posture. Don't be sprawled, don't sit with your arms folded, and don't look away. Don't fiddle with something like you're bored. Sit or stand with your shoulders back, your arms at your sides, and always looking at the person in question.
Deal With Conflict Step 5Bullet1 -
Maintain eye contact with the other person. Show her that you are interested in what she says by paying attention and letting interest show on your face.
Deal With Conflict Step 5Bullet2 - If you are familiar with the other person, do not be afraid to give them a light reassuring tap on the arm. Literally reaching out to the other person is a sign of sensitivity and can even activate an opioid region of the brain responsible for maintaining social relationships.
Step 2. Resist the urge to generalize too much
Generalizing too much is dangerous because it suddenly attacks the individual as a whole, instead of focusing on something he has done in an occasional circumstance. It is a much bigger battle and people take the threat much more seriously.
Instead of saying, “You always interrupt me and never let me finish a sentence,” try a more diplomat: “Please don't interrupt me; I let you finish talking and I would appreciate the same courtesy from you”
Step 3. Use "I" instead of "You" in your affirmations
In this way you accomplish two goals: first, the problem is semantically more on you than his, thus encouraging a less defensive attitude on his part; secondly, it helps to better explain the situation, letting the other person understand your starting point of view.
- Use the following formula when elaborating a statement using "I": "I feel [emotion] when you [describe his behavior] because [you explain your motivation]."
- An example of a good statement using "I" might be: "I feel humiliated when you ask me to do the dishes like that, because I spent a good half of the day preparing a nice dinner for the two of us and I never get any signs. of gratitude on your part”.
Step 4. Listen to the things that really matter to the other person and respond
Don't sidetrack the conversation by being distracted by the little things. Listen to the other person's complaints, focus on the really important underlying message and try to commit yourself in that direction. If the other person does not have the impression that you are ready to face the heart of the matter, they will most likely intensify the conflict or simply stop listening and abandon any attempt to solve the problem.
Step 5. Check your reaction to the other person's words
Similar things generate similar things, so reacting in the right way ensures a friendly exchange instead of a fit of anger.
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How not to respond to the other person:
With anger, in an offensive way, animatedly or with resentment
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How to respond to the other person:
Calmly, with consideration, not with an attitude of defense and with respect
Step 6. Do not hold the other person hostage and do not try to manipulate him, otherwise you distance yourself from the situation
These are unacceptable actions, which many of us do without even knowing it. We can hold other people hostage by depriving them of love, for example, and refusing to show affection until we get what we want. We can manipulate them by humiliating them, for example, and criticizing their need to talk about something we think is unimportant or insignificant. We can distance ourselves from the situation by refusing to listen to what the other person is really saying, for example, and focusing on the minor aspects instead of the main substance.
All these elements communicate something very clear to the other person: that we are not interested in improving the situation, that we only want what is good for us, not what is good for both. If the intent is to resolve the conflict successfully, this is a death sentence
Step 7. Never practice reading other people's minds and do not rush to conclusions
We all hate people who continually end our sentences, because they start from the premise that we know what we feel better than ourselves. Even if you have the impression that you understand what the other person is saying and where it comes from, let her say it. For both catharsis and communication, it is important that the other person feels they are in full control. Don't be a know-it-all who can't keep your mouth shut enough to really care what the other person is saying.
Step 8. Don't play at blaming others
When we feel attacked by another person, we usually lash out at them as a form of self-defense. Because the best defense is offense, isn't it? This is a refrain that couples, for example, know all too well: “I am disappointed that you did not complete what you said you were going to do. You knew I wanted the house clean before my parents arrived ". "Well, you have no right to feel disappointed. I had planned this day months ago and anyway, what do you want a little dirty to be? You are the only one who always has crazy expectations ".
See what happens in this case? One partner is disappointed and the other accuses him of being disappointed. Well, you probably know how the conflict will end: with a partner who will take offense in the game of unloading the blame, and suddenly the discussion will no longer be about keeping promises, but will focus on deeply rooted issues that are destroyed by the circumstances of the discussion
Part 3 of 3: End the Conflict Successfully
Step 1. On every occasion, show the intention to reach a compromise
Give up the idea of getting everything you want without having to give up anything. It will probably not happen: you will have to come to terms and you will want to show your intention to find an agreement because you worry about the other person, not because you know it is something you are obliged to do. The first move is positive, the second is not. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind when negotiating with someone:
- Promise less and offer more. It is the mantra of business executives, but it could also be yours. Do not promise the world to the other person just because you are tired of the conflict and you want it to be resolved quickly. Promise the other person a little less than what you think you can offer, be realistic about it and then surprise them by exceeding their expectations.
- Do not punish the other person after reaching a compromise. Don't intentionally do something negative about what you said you were going to do because you don't really believe in compromise. This will only prolong the conflict.
Step 2. Use harmless humor to ease the situation
After your soul has been shaken by strong emotions and all the logical arguments have weakened your ability to think clearly, a little humor can really ease the tension between two people. Try a slightly self-deprecating joke to show the other person that you are not so proud and strong and, for best results, remember not to laugh at the other person, but to laugh with them.
Step 3. Take a step back from the whole situation if you are feeling too involved at the time
Many couples, for example, give themselves 20 minutes to cool off, to let their emotions and stress subside before facing a problem. This facilitates communication and improves results. Sometimes it is enough to slightly impose one's perspective on the situation to see the panorama as a whole:
- Ask yourself: how important is what we are discussing? Overall, will this determine the breakdown of my relationship with this person or is it something that I can let go of?
- Ask yourself: is there anything you can do about the situation? Sometimes we get mad about problems that other people can't control.
Step 4. Forgive and forget
Show a conscious willingness to forgive and forget and assume that the other person sees the contrast from your own point of view. Many disputes, while they seem important at the moment, boil down to simple misunderstandings. Be judicious and forgiving, like the person you want to be.
