Falling madly in love with a friend and then receiving a nasty two of spades is devastating. It can be difficult to take off your friend's shoes and take on the role of boyfriend. After all, you can't force someone to love you. However, there are strategies to increase your odds and have a glimmer of hope.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Understanding Your Friend
Step 1. Find out about this girl's sentimental standards, at least the ones she consciously expresses
Some will be definitely noticeable. Maybe he wants to be with someone who shares his religious beliefs or who doesn't smoke. You don't have to fully satisfy his needs, but you should still fall into a certain category, otherwise you won't be taken into consideration from a sentimental point of view.
Make a list of the characteristics shared by all of her exes. In love, your friend is likely to prioritize these traits. These may be things you should try to cultivate yourself
Step 2. Try to understand his unconscious standards, which often tie back to his way of being
Many people, including your friend, are looking for a partner who has similar characteristics to what they value about themselves. They also want their boyfriend not to have the same flaws as themselves.
- Once you discover some aspects of herself that she doesn't like, show her that you can compensate for these flaws with your strengths.
- You might say, "I don't like being so competitive. I would be much happier if I learned to enjoy life instead of turning everything into a race. What about you? If you could change something about yourself, what would you choose?".
Step 3. Examine his love map
Some psychologists have discovered that over the years people develop a love map, which is an ideal pattern of the expectations they have towards a relationship and the identity that will be assumed in the relationship. Some aspects of this map are clear and aware (for example, your friend may prefer an educated partner), but other preferences may be subconscious (for example, how affectionate she wants her partner to be). If you understand these ideas, you can better meet his needs. Many variables will affect her love map, but look at these criteria and use them as a guide to understanding her:
- Do you expect all relationships to involve a certain sentimental commitment?
- How long do you think a relationship should last?
- Won't she feel satisfied until she can find the right person?
- How much time should pass between the first meeting and the acceptance of a serious commitment (like saying "I love you")?
- How long is it okay to wait between a romantic breakup and the start of a new relationship?
- How long is it acceptable to wait before your partner decides to make a serious commitment?
- What disagreements with your partner are you willing to accept regarding the core values of life?
- Do you think an argument with your partner is exciting or troubling?
- Do you think a polygamous relationship is acceptable?
- How much time do you think the couple should spend apart from friends, family and social events / obligations?
Step 4. Get to know his friends
When she introduces them to you, behave flawlessly: these people will open a window into her life that few others have access to. If you are truly in love with this friend of yours, showing a sincere interest in her friends will likely earn you some respect, perhaps even their approval.
You don't have to open up and confess your love to his friends. Try to earn their respect by being kind and attentive. If you think your friend is stressed out and would like advice on how to take action to help her, you can turn to them. If you want to do something nice for her because she's always around you, ask her friends what she might like
Step 5. Examine his past relationships
Sentimental breakups, especially if difficult, have certainly led her to review her love map, on a conscious or unconscious level. If you show her that you are different from her exes, you will seem like a much more interesting potential candidate.
Step 6. Find out what experiences thrill her
When two people share a moment of fear, science has shown that the chemicals released are closely related to arousal and attraction. Thrilling experiences can elicit some (good) anxiety in both of you, thus creating a propitious environment for the next stage of the relationship.
- Roller coasters and amusement parks are great for getting your adrenaline pumping without frightening her too much.
- Even a suspenseful thriller can have this effect, but you should avoid violent and splatter movies. As much as you want to impress her, there's no need to be associated with serial killers and whatnot.
Step 7. Find out what kind of physical activity you prefer
During a workout, the body has a similar reaction to that generated by arousal. By exercising together, you will share a rush of endorphins that your friend will begin to associate with you. It is also likely that he will see you in a different light and consider you more attractive.
Part 2 of 4: Conquering his Heart
Step 1. Use mutual friends to your advantage
It may sound sneaky to you, but see it this way: if you're a really good catch and she can't figure it out, your efforts to win her over can be more effective with the support of trusted people, like her friends. If they think you're good, she'll probably agree. This can only help you to conquer it.
Step 2. Try to repeatedly expose her to your presence
According to one study, the more a subject is exposed to a persuasive message, the more they will become convinced that it is true. This theory can help you try to win over your friend. You don't have to call her every five minutes, because otherwise you risk pushing her away, but being seen often and being close to her will allow her to consider your presence more and more natural.
Step 3. Create a nice atmosphere with soft lighting
Maybe it seems a little excessive and you probably don't want to employ a trick as obvious as a candlelit dinner. After all, you don't want to look cheeky or pushy. However, according to some studies, people unconsciously tend to find people with dilated pupils more attractive.
Dilated pupils can be indicative of various phenomena. In your particular situation, it is important that they dilate in conjunction with pleasant psychological or physical sensations. Invite your friend to a movie or a dimly lit bar and look her in the eye. This will send a very specific message to his subconscious: there is chemistry between you
Step 4. Surround yourself with an aura of mystery
When you think you've found the perfect person, it's easy to make the mistake of opening up too early. Holding back can be difficult, but if you don't give her a lot of details, she'll feel more and more curious about you. This can turn a friendship into something more.
Step 5. Flirt with her
This can be difficult, as every woman has her own taste in courtship. Take a cue from her past relationships. That you know, what kinds of approaches work with her? Which ones aren't? Remember: it is important to respect her limits, even when you try to conquer her.
- Compliment her by adding a pinch of mischief. Instead of telling her that a dress fits her, you might exclaim, "I wish the last girl I dated was as breathtaking as you are!" This way you can discreetly let her know that you are interested in her, but also tell her something nice.
- Find ways to get close to her. In any relationship, closeness is a sign of confidence and intimacy. But keep in mind that some people need more space than others. Do not force anything: try to favor a natural and spontaneous approach. For example, in a museum it is normal to whisper and to be close.
- When you touch it, it lingers. Before you try to do this, however, you need to evaluate his reaction. In fact, an unexpected contact can be considered intrusive. On the other hand, physical contact releases oxytocin, also called the "love hormone".
Step 6. Be persistent if necessary
If your friend has an addictive personality, so she relies on people or things to be comfortable with herself, courtship will likely thrill her. Just try not to be too intrusive. Many independent women find this behavior overwhelming, and if so, it won't earn you points.
Part 3 of 4: Expressing Your Feelings
Step 1. Don't rush
Remember that she is a friend of yours: even if these feelings have been hurting you for a long time, you should definitely not make her uncomfortable. Intense emotions can easily overwhelm, but don't let them compromise the friendship.
- Writing your feelings in a journal can make you feel less emotionally overwhelmed - it's a powerful tool that will keep you from making a hasty, emotionally driven decision.
- Write a letter. It will help you write down everything you want to say, without confessing it directly to your friend. At this point, consider whether your words might sound too strong. Don't scare her, especially if there's a good chance that love will be born.
Step 2. Try to understand what it feels like
Does she always want to spend time alone with you? Did you notice that she looks at you more often or has she broken up with her boyfriend (that you know of, for no particular reason)? All of this can indicate that she feels attracted to you and wants to be more than a friend.
Step 3. Ask his friends
It can be dangerous, in fact it is possible that they use the information you give them based on what they think is right for them. In any case, if you have a mutual friend that you trust and you take courage, talking about it with this person can clarify your ideas about the situation.
Make sure you state clearly: "Does he talk about me every now and then? What does he say? For some time now, I think we may be more than just friends, but please, I'd like to be the one to tell him."
Step 4. Try to have good timing
Since she is your friend, it is much easier to know when to talk to her. Consider her work, domestic, social commitments, and any other factors that could stress or sadden her. These variables shouldn't negatively affect your decision.
To stand a good chance, you should ask her on a quiet, relaxed day, when she's not too tired or stressed
Step 5. Come to terms with your vulnerability
Unfortunately, it is difficult to put yourself in such a delicate position, but it is the only way to declare yourself. It can be comforting to remember that everyone feels vulnerable at one point or another, so knowing that you are not alone can give you courage.
For example, you could say to yourself like this: "What I'm about to tell you is not easy. I don't like feeling vulnerable. It has always been difficult for me to express my feelings. If you don't like what I tell you, I don't want our relationship. change. I have to confess one thing: lately I've been thinking about what it would be like to go out and hang out."
Step 6. When you come out, reassure her
If you think this friendship is important and you want to protect her even if she is not interested, you absolutely must specify it.
You can say, "I hope my words don't make you uncomfortable. If you say no, know that nothing will change for me no matter what happens. But I can't stop thinking that there may be something between us and I need to know if you feel the same way too"
Step 7. Express your feelings honestly
You don't have to hire a string quartet and serenade them under the window. Either way, how you express your emotions depends on your relationship and your personality. If you like blatant gestures, maybe a serenade may be the right choice. Just remember that you are trying to change the nature of the relationship, so this is already a big step. Pay attention to the words you use and do not make hasty decisions, otherwise you risk only compromising your position.
Part 4 of 4: When to Step Forward
Step 1. Try to win her over if you think she likes you too
If you're sure she likes the idea of being more than friends too, there's no harm in seeing where things go. If you are able to get her to be romantically interested in you, the chances are that friendship can turn into love - it happens very often. If she sometimes flirts with you, or says things like "I can always be myself with you, never with anyone else," take the opportunity to express your feelings to her.
Step 2. Give it a try once if you are unsure of its answer
If she has never flirted with you or shown any romantic interest in you, you can still reveal how you feel about her. Even if you have no control over her reaction, you can still be yourself and see if she would consider going out with you instead of just being friends.
Step 3. Be careful to share your feelings with her if your friendship is very important to you
She might be happy with things as they are. Revealing how you feel about her will change the state of affairs. Whether she reciprocates or not, your relationship will change in one way or another. At worst, she will no longer feel comfortable around you and will no longer be able to simply return to normal friendship.
Step 4. Accept their possible refusal
Respect their feelings and their response. Regardless of how much you love her, you can't force her to return your love. It is not obliged to do so. If you really care about her, don't insist on trying to "persuade" her after she has already rejected you once.
Advice
- Be interesting, funny, unpredictable and mysterious.
- Discover her tastes and give her just a taste of what you can offer her. This will intrigue her and keep the flame of interest alive.
- Self-esteem is very important. Communicate through clear body language and try not to doubt yourself.
- Don't think that spending money on her will win her over. It will be unnecessarily wasteful, especially if she thinks that this gesture has an exclusively friendly purpose.
Warnings
- Once you have come out, there is always a chance that the relationship will change.
- Being unpredictable and mysterious can be very difficult because he knows you well. Don't be discouraged: consider it an opportunity to show off your best features, maybe the ones you haven't noticed yet.
