If your child doesn't want to go to school, the situation can get frustrating and difficult, but there are ways to cope better. You should ask yourself if this is normal behavior, where does it come from, and what you can do in response. First, determine if this is normal childhood behavior or if it can be indicative of larger problems. In the first case, deal with it calmly and consistently, while if there are deeper problems, deal with them as best you can.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Determine if this is Normal Behavior
Step 1. Make a note of how often this happens
There are times when it is perfectly normal for a child not to want to go to school. Maybe his attention is drawn to something outside the school or there is another specific and temporary reason. In other cases it may seem that he does not want to go there for any particular reason. Thinking about the reasons for rejection can help you understand if it is in line with each child's normal behavior or if there are deeper issues.
- For example, if the refusal to go to school occurs just before or after the holidays, the child may be looking forward to it or not wanting it to finish.
- If you are a parent of the child you can contact their teachers to find out if the refusal may be related to classwork or projects to be delivered.
- Also try to find out if there was a recent discussion with a friend or partner. Often children - and even more so teenagers - want to avoid school for a while when these situations arise.
- Ask yourself if the child refuses to go to school constantly. Does it happen every day, regardless of specific situations?
Step 2. Evaluate how strong the rejection is
There are children who throw tantrums every morning, but they always end up getting ready and going to school. Different is the case in which a child fights like a lion and gets dragged to the desk, perhaps trying to leave school before it ends. In extreme cases, a child can even threaten self-harm. Observing how firmly the child resists school is a good way to tell if this is normal behavior or school refusal.
- You can assign a value to the resistance shown by the child on a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is a simple "I don't want to go there" and 5 is a furious scene.
- Think about the gravity of the things he says. Does he just say he doesn't want to go to school or does he threaten to make an extreme gesture if you force him?
Step 3. Evaluate the impact of this on his life
By doing this you can get an idea of how serious the situation is and how to handle it. In some cases the rejection is calm and silent, but so determined that it leads to continuous absences or delays. Other children may refuse but this does not have a practical impact on their life.
- Observe if the child is often absent or late; in this case there is likely a problem.
- Look at his grades. Delays and absences, as well as lack of participation, cause a child's academic achievement to drop.
- Ask yourself if the child does things that jeopardize his safety or health to avoid going to school. For example, did you vomit or hurt yourself to stay home?
Step 4. Recognize when the behavior is normal
As frustrating as it can be, it is normal for a child to not want to go to school from time to time. Knowing if this is normal behavior or school refusal will help you determine the best way to deal with the situation. The key is to take into account the frequency, intensity, and negative impact of the behavior.
- When not wanting to go to school is normal behavior, it has little or no impact on the child's life. In this case you can notice that the grades do not get worse and that he does not arrive late.
- During a normal episode, a child may pout, cry, moan, or even make a scene, but eventually he'll get ready, go to school, and often have a nice day too.
- Even when the refusal to go to school occurs every day, it can still be considered normal if the child usually arrives on time, stays in school all day, and generally behaves like home. It is possible that he is simply not an early riser.
Step 5. Recognize school refusal
Also called "school phobia", this is a much more serious and persistent problem than a normal refusal to go to school. To find out if we are faced with school refusal we need to evaluate when, how often and how strongly the child does not want to go to school, as well as what impact this has on his life. After doing this you can decide the best way to handle the situation.
- Children who show signs of refusal from school refuse to go to school every day and may go so far as to take extreme actions to stay at home.
- School refusal can be recognized by the negative impact it has on the child's life. It can lead to truancy, frequent delays, early exits, worsening grades, and behavioral problems.
Method 2 of 3: Be Calm and Consistent
Step 1. Watch out for the signs
Often children, especially younger ones, give warning signs that they will try to avoid going to school. Watch out for possible clues and cues that the child inadvertently gives.
- For example, watch out for indirect phrases like "How boring school", and not just clear ones like "I don't want to go to school".
- Pay attention to vague diseases that appear spontaneously. For example, the night before a test, your child may have a tummy ache that will prevent him from going to school (but not to the park).
Step 2. Stay positive
Your child's behavior may make you lose your temper, but it's important that you stay calm - your attitude about the situation can influence how it develops. Having a positive attitude can encourage your child to go to school, and help you stay calm. It also helps you focus on finding ways to get him to go to school, rather than just reacting to his behaviors.
- When you tell the child to go to school, speak calmly but firmly. For example, you can say, "You can't choose not to go, but we can find ways to make the experience less traumatic."
- Avoid yelling and making threats. Stay calm, without shouting "Prepare otherwise…".
- Remember that this is a temporary situation, from which you can get out and you will certainly get out. Tell yourself, "There's no need to get angry, it's temporary. I can stay calm."
Step 3. Remind the child that missing school has consequences
Of course, you don't want her to experience the worst negative consequences of not going to school, but dealing with the less serious ones can be an important lesson. Remind your child that they will then have to work harder to catch up, that they may be missing out on fun times, and that there may be negative effects on grades and other aspects of school life.
- You can say something like, "Remember that if you don't go to school you can't do PE, and the teacher won't let you play in the school tournament!"
- You can also try to say: "Since you will have to catch up on today's tasks in addition to the normal tasks, I don't think you will have time to go out with your friends tomorrow night."
- Or you can tell him that by staying at home he will have to do more housework, or that the hours he can play or watch TV will be limited.
Step 4. Encourage your child
Sometimes offering a small reward can motivate a child to go to school. This method is not suitable for everyday use, but can be useful if applied occasionally as an incentive to school.
- For example, if your daughter wants to stay home on the first day of school, you can offer to buy her a dress that makes her feel more confident.
- Another thing you can do is prepare a special activity designed specifically for a child who gets very agitated when parents drop him off at school.
Step 5. Make staying home boring
Children often want to stay home because they believe they will be able to do lots of fun activities. One possible solution is to make staying at home during school hours a boring time. The child will be encouraged to go to school if doing so is more fun than the alternative.
- Let the child know that they will still have to study. You can contact a teacher and get homework for the day, or you can assign them yourself.
- Limit hours of play and use of games and electronic devices. You can tell him, "If you're not well enough to go to school, you're not well enough to play either."
Step 6. Be consistent
It is important in order to create a structure and a routine so that children always know what to expect. Especially when it comes to young children, your consistency gives them the self-confidence and security they need to go to school without grievances.
- This means that you need to be consistent in insisting that your child go to school, without encouraging him or allowing him to skip school for no good reason.
- It also means picking him up on time each day and making arrangements for his arrival home.
Method 3 of 3: Addressing the Problems Causing School Rejection
Step 1. Manage separation anxiety by providing safety for the child
This problem occurs more frequently in younger children, but it can also be present in older ones. They may be afraid of being away from you, or afraid that you will not return. If your child doesn't want to go to school because of separation anxiety, the best thing you can do is reassure them constantly and make them feel safer.
- Tell the child how the day will unfold. For example, you can say: "First I'll take you to class, you'll have fun and you'll learn many things there! Meanwhile, I'm going to work, and at 3 am I will pick you up".
- If you are a teacher, reassure the child that his parents will come back for him at the end of the day. You can say, "After we learn something while having fun, Dad will come get you."
- If you are the parent of the child, make sure to always arrive on time at the exit. If you are late due to an incident, call the school and let your child know.
- School refusal can occur after a family member's illness or death. Therefore, consider the possibility that it is related to recent traumatic events.
- If necessary, consider therapy sessions to help the child overcome anxiety.
Step 2. Report bullying cases
Unfortunately, this problem has become part of everyday reality for many children. In many cases, children do not want to go to school because they are being bullied, and have not reported it or do not know how to handle the situation. If you find that bullying is the reason, talk to the child about the situation and report it to the appropriate authorities.
- Ask the child if he is bullied. You can say, "Is someone or something bothering you at school?"
- Show the child that he can count on your support. You can say, "I know it's hard to go to school when you're bullied. I'm here for you, we'll get through this together."
- Report what happens to the school counselor, principal, and any other competent authority.
Step 3. Seek help if you suspect the child is being abused or neglected
Refusal to go to school and school difficulties are sometimes a sign that the child is being abused or neglected. Look at the other components of the child's life and behavior to determine if it is possible that you are facing such a case. If you are concerned that the child is unsafe, contact the authorities immediately.
- Learn how to tell if a child is being abused. To do this you can also consult the list at this link.
- Report your concerns to the school counselor, child's pediatrician, or other relevant authorities.
Step 4. Resort to substance abuse treatment
The age at which drug and alcohol abuse begins is decreasing more and more. In some cases, a child's refusal to go to school can be a sign of such abuse. If you suspect this is the case, look for other signs that indicate a substance abuse problem and seek help right away.
- Know the signs and symptoms of drug or alcohol abuse.
- Inform the child of your concern. You can say, "I think you may have a substance abuse problem that interferes with school. I'm worried and I want to help you."
- Ask your child's pediatrician if there are any age-appropriate substance abuse services in the area.
Step 5. Consider mental health problems
Sometimes the refusal to go to school is caused by ailments such as depression or anxiety. When planning the best way to handle the situation, take into account the child's mental health. In some cases, treating underlying mental health problems can eliminate the refusal to go to school.
- If the child has a diagnosed mental disorder, check how the treatment is progressing and whether it has recently changed. For example, you can ask one of the parents: "If you don't mind talking about it, would you tell me how the treatment is going?".
- If you suspect you have a mental disorder, contact your school counselor or pediatrician as soon as possible. If, in addition to not wanting to go to school, the child becomes isolated, has mood swings or seems desperate, it can be a sign of depression. In this case you should seek help.
Advice
If you remain calm, patient and consistent, the situation will resolve itself
Warnings
- If the child threatens to harm himself or others, contact a suicide prevention line or phone number 199.284.284.
- If the child complains of physical symptoms such as stomach pain or headache, be sure to rule out possible health problems.
