If you are in a relationship, sooner or later there will come a time when you will have to argue with your boyfriend. It is not easy to start talking, but by clarifying the matter you will feel better and your relationship will become stronger. The most important thing is that together with your partner you have mutual respect for your feelings.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Prepare to Talk to Him
Step 1. Take the time to think
Before asking him to speak, think about what you hope to achieve. If you are unsure, it may be premature to argue with him.
- For example, maybe you want him to change his behavior. Maybe you want me to consider how you feel about him better. Whatever it is, you need to clarify your ideas before inviting him to speak.
- Don't stop at the most obvious reasons. For example, you might think about helping him by addressing a certain topic, when deep down you just want to punish him for a mistake.
Step 2. Put your emotions in order
You don't want to talk when you're angry, or he might get nervous too. Understand how you feel and why, and take some time to calm down before you begin.
Step 3. Determine which points you can trade on and which you cannot
A relationship is always based on an exchange between giving and receiving. If you want something from your boyfriend, you need to know what you're willing to give him. However, you don't have to give up on something that you care about or that could hurt you. Maintain your position when necessary, but be willing to give in on other points.
For example, let's say you get nervous and hurt when your boyfriend ignores you at times when you want to talk to him. You can ask him to pay attention when you use a certain phrase or code word, but you can also accept what he is doing instead of trying to catch him in a bad moment
Step 4. Don't wait long
Sure, you need to take a moment to regain your composure, but you don't have to wait too long, otherwise you could move on with life and totally avoid this conversation - which will be counterproductive for your relationship.
Part 2 of 3: Start Talking
Step 1. Choose the right time
Don't start talking when you are about to go to sleep or when one of you is busy with something else. Pick a time when you are both free to focus and have nothing else to do.
Also, don't engage in a complicated conversation in front of other people. Choose a time when you are in a private place without the presence of prying eyes
Step 2. Start with a positive observation
If you start by saying something positive, you will have less difficulty dealing with the most difficult points of your speech. For example, you might focus on something you appreciate about your boyfriend or why you like being with him.
For example, you might say, “I'm so glad I have you in my life. You are a strong person”
Step 3. Be direct
Make sure he knows the reason for your discussion from the start. Also, make it clear that you need to put it aside from what you are feeling. Sometimes it's hard to tackle an important topic if your partner isn't focused. By telling him from the start that you want to talk seriously with him, you will prepare the way.
- When you have a confrontation with a person you love, you may be inclined to adopt a passive-aggressive attitude. In other words, you risk falling into a communication style in which you mask anger and your true feelings in an attempt to covertly manipulate those in front of you. However, if you want to build a healthy relationship, it pays to be honest and direct.
- For example, a passive-aggressive consideration might be: “I understand why you like video games. They can help children develop hand-eye coordination”. In reality, it is an attack disguised as a compliment, because it means that his is a rather childish pastime. On the contrary, try to put it this way: “I know you like video games, but sometimes I feel left out when you play for a long time”. It is a more direct phrase, which allows you to express your mood.
Step 4. Speak in the first person to express how you feel
Instead of starting your sentences with "you", giving the impression that you want to put the blame on your interlocutor, speak in the first person. In practice, instead of saying: "You can never get home on time", try with: "I feel bad when I don't see you coming home at the usual time, because I fear for your safety and I would like to sit at the table with you".
Step 5. In addition to speaking, listen
If you want to build a relationship, you need to give importance to what your boyfriend feels and thinks. Therefore, during an argument, take the time to listen to him. In other words, you need to be careful and consider what he is saying to you, not just try to counter his words. If you are focused on what you have to say, you will not be able to hear his speech.
Try repeating what he says. This will show that you are listening to him and make sure you understand his words
Step 6. Avoid misplaced sentences
You know your boyfriend's pain points well, and if you want, you have the opportunity to touch on topics that could hurt him. However, if you do not intend to disrespect him, do not resort to these games during a complicated discussion; they will only feed the tension and distract you from the main issue.
Part 3 of 3: Closing the Discussion
Step 1. Realize that you may also be wrong
You will probably be sure that you are right in relation to the arguments you have brought up. Like almost everyone, you may have a hard time putting yourself in others' shoes. When you start an argument, you need to be willing to take into consideration that what the person in front of you is saying may be right.
However, this means that your boyfriend must also take into account what you think and feel
Step 2. Stop for a moment
If you realize that you are both angry, it wouldn't hurt to take a break. Try to resume the discussion once you have calmed down, whether it be a few hours or a whole day.
Step 3. Show that you appreciate it
Let your boyfriend know that you are grateful that he listened to you. Tell him that you are happy to have a relationship in which everyone can open up to the other.
Step 4. Discuss how you can move forward
Of course, if you are not happy, something has to change in your relationship. Determine how you can move forward by talking about your respective needs within the couple. Remember to give in on some points, finding compromises, as should happen in any relationship. Try to be positive and commit to finding a solution that works for both of you.
