The most important thing in getting what you want may be asking. Gathering the courage and confidence to ask for a raise, respect in a relationship or a better grade will pay off in the long run. Learning how to recognize your desires and clearly ask what you want is an important quality.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Part One: Identify What You Want
Step 1. Decide what you want
If you don't know, you can't ask. Think about your wishes until you are no longer ambivalent or confused about it.
Step 2. Make sure someone can give you what you want
If it's something subjective, like a "satisfying life", you can't ask someone else for it. Take responsibility for things that others, such as children or your partner, are unable to give you directly.
Step 3. Set goals for subjective desires
For example, decide what would make your life more satisfying. If you want a vacation you can ask for vacation from work and your partner to use part of the savings to do it together.
Step 4. Make a list
Verbally expressing what you want to others is more difficult than writing it down. Pretend it is a letter to the one you want to ask.
Step 5. Be creative
If you've already been through this phase and still don't know how to quantify what you want, talk to someone who can help you spark your creativity. Go to an art class or a nature hike to be able to think more creatively about the problem.
Step 6. Be reasonable
If you ask for a pay raise, make sure it's affordable for the company. If you are hoping to spend more time with your family, request it for a weekly rather than a daily family activity.
Method 2 of 3: Part Two: Packing the "Big Demand"
Step 1. Discuss the problem
If you are trying to solve something, then make a direct introduction and with a single reason that is important.
- Try: “I was thinking about the next step in my career growth project at this company” if you are willing to ask for a raise.
- Tell your partner, “It's often frustrating not to have time for the two of us. I would really like to sort it out”if you want to ask to go on vacation or an evening together.
Step 2. Ask what you want as soon as you start the conversation
Don't give the other person a chance to get distracted. You've observed the previous steps so go for it.
Say, "That's why I would like to apply for a promotion today" or "I want to try and spend more time together each week."
Step 3. Be clear
Start with the fact that no one knows what you want and why you want it. Avoid the temptation to assume that people "read minds".
Step 4. Be honest
Don't put forward reasons why you should have what you ask for. If you have to, use 1 to 3 important reasons and state them concisely.
- Avoid using evidence if your conversation is about your relationship. The other person may think you have a list of complaints. He could get defensive.
- Try citing examples if you ask for something at work. “Since I started working here I have increased my fortnightly production” for example.
Step 5. Use sentences that begin with “I feel” if you are talking about things related to emotionality
- Try: “Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by work and it's hard to do the housework too. Can you do them on the days when I come home late?"
- Use “I feel that / say” even when talking about work. For example: "I feel I have fully committed and contributed a lot of creativity to this project and I would like to have the opportunity to show that I can also take care of the bigger ones."
Step 6. Listen to the answer
You may be asked to address a few questions before receiving a yes. You may feel nervous but try to be conscientious and ready for discussion.
Slightly nod to confirm that you are attentive
Method 3 of 3: Part Three: Avoiding Potential Problems
Step 1. Choose a time to ask
Plan it and reward yourself if you are successful.
Step 2. Choose the right person to ask
If you need to ask more than one, it's best to have a family reunion or ask for a meeting with the managers so you can still get an answer.
Step 3. Don't ask someone for something important when you are emotional or angry
You wouldn't express yourself correctly and people would be less likely to give you what you want. Remember the old adage: "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar" and be sweet.
Step 4. Make sure you are honest with the person you ask
Someone making a big request might be uncomfortable, so pick a time when the other isn't clearly stressed or overworked. It will be better for both of us.
Step 5. Don't be someone who can't lose
You won't always get a yes. Keep your head up and think about the courage you had to ask for it.
Be grateful. Say, "I appreciate that you took some time for me."
Step 6. Ask again
Stanford researchers found that people tend to say "yes" the second time. Once the requested favor is repeated they get annoyed and change the answer.
