From an early age we are taught to respect others and to be courteous to others, for example by offering hospitality and lending ourselves as babysitters. In some cases, however, people begin to take advantage of our generosity and kindness, expecting more than is right. Some may continually ask you for favors and make you feel compelled to please them, never reciprocating or showing any respect. When boundaries are crossed, it can be difficult to go back and stand up for yourself. If you feel like there are people in your life taking advantage of you, it's time to protect yourself and re-establish those boundaries.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Analyze the Problem
Step 1. Acknowledge your feelings
It is important to recognize that you feel exploited. It is not possible to process or face what you feel until you admit it exists. Some research links the manifestation and analysis of negative emotions to a range of physical and mental health benefits. Repressing your emotions will only exacerbate the negative feelings over time.
There is a difference between recognizing what you feel and being obsessed with your emotions. By focusing on negative feelings without analyzing them or making a commitment to correct them, you risk feeling worse than before
Step 2. Know that you have a right to feel respected
Social and cultural pressures can lead you to believe that it is rude to say no to others when they ask you for something. It is also possible that you have been taught to give less importance to what you do than the work of others and that it does not deserve due recognition - this is especially a problem for women, particularly in the family. All of this can make you feel underappreciated. Everyone has the right to be respected and appreciated, and it is not wrong to desire this kind of consideration from others.
It's natural to get angry or hurt, and it's easy to let those feelings take over. Try to be constructive instead of taking out your anger on others
Step 3. Think about why you feel this way
To deal with the feeling that others are taking advantage of you, you need to examine what makes you feel this way. Write a list of the particular behaviors and episodes that trigger it. Maybe there is something you could ask other people to change. You may also discover aspects in your communication that need to be worked on - for example, trying to make your limits clearer.
- Research has shown that the feeling of "being undervalued" is one of the most frequent reasons employees leave their jobs. In 81% of cases, employees say they are more motivated to work when the boss acknowledges their efforts and dedication.
- It has also been found that those who feel lonely are more likely to accept unfair treatment, allowing others to take advantage of them. Probably the feeling of being exploited can be due to the fact that you are afraid of being alone refusing a request.
- Try not to put the responsibility on other people. For example, imagine a colleague takes advantage of the fact that you always give him a ride to work, never returning the favor when your car breaks down. It would be better to write: "Mario didn't give me a lift to work when my car was broken, even though I often go with him", instead of: "Mario doesn't care about me, because he didn't give me a ride to work". If you don't talk to your colleague, you will never know what he really feels or why he behaves the way he does.
Step 4. Identify what has changed in the report
If it seems to you that what you do is taken for granted for others, that impression may come from the fact that you once felt appreciated by those who now behave differently. It could also depend on the fact that you would like to feel appreciated, while those around you do not meet your expectations. Whatever the cause, by identifying what has changed in your interactions with others, you can feel better. You also have the opportunity to find a solution to improve the relationship.
- Try to think about when you started interacting with the other person. What did he do to make you feel appreciated? What is different since then? Have you changed anything about yourself?
- If they seem to take advantage of you at work, it will probably be because you feel that your efforts are not well rewarded (for example, you have not received a raise or recognition for a project). It may also be that you don't feel involved in the decision-making process. Think about what you felt valued for at work and see if anything has changed.
Step 5. Consider the other person's point of view
When you feel injustice in a relationship, whether it's with a co-worker or partner, it can be difficult to take the other person's perspective into account. If you feel penalized and disrespected, why should you try to understand why you are being treated this way? By understanding how the other person feels, you have a chance to understand the situation as a whole. You could also work together to resolve the problem.
- If there are no personality disorders or other problems, usually no one treats others badly on purpose. If you accuse someone of being an idiot, even if you think your opinion is true, there is a risk that they will react in an angry and unproductive way. When people feel accused, conflicts naturally arise.
- Think about the other person's wants and needs. Have they changed? Some research shows that sometimes people use passive "removal techniques", such as not returning favors or showing affection or appreciation, when they are no longer interested in the relationship but don't know how to walk away.
Method 2 of 3: Think About Your Role Within the Relationship
Step 1. Analyze the way you communicate
You are not responsible for people's behavior nor should you blame yourself when someone is rude or unkind. However, you can control your actions. If it seems to you that others do not respect or ignore you, you have the opportunity to influence their reactions towards you by changing the way you communicate and act. Here are some attitudes and behaviors that can encourage others to treat you unfairly:
- Always say yes to everything a particular person (or any person) asks you to do, even if the requests are inadequate or inconvenient.
- You are unwilling to say no or ask them to reconsider their expectations of you, for fear that the other person will not appreciate you or complain about you.
- You don't honestly express what you feel, think, or believe in.
- Express your opinions, needs or feelings with extreme deference and reluctance (eg "If you don't mind, you might…", or "It's just my opinion, but…").
- You believe that the feelings, needs and thoughts of others are more important than yours.
- You devalue yourself in front of others (and, often, in front of yourself).
- You think you will be loved or appreciated just by doing what other people expect of you.
Step 2. Consider how you see yourself
Psychologists argue that a variety of "irrational beliefs" can cause pain and dissatisfaction in the person who feeds them. In these cases, people tend to be very demanding of themselves rather than others. Such beliefs can also lead to the use of expressions in which a strong respect for moral obligation prevails. See if any of the following ideas have ever crossed your mind:
- You believe it is essential to be loved and approved by everyone in life.
- You consider yourself a "loser", "unimportant", "useless" or "stupid" person if you don't get approval from others.
- You frequently use statements with "I must" or "I should", such as "I must be able to do whatever is asked of me", or "I should always try to please others".
Step 3. Recognize distorted thoughts
In addition to having irrational beliefs, such as the idea that you should always be ready to do whatever is asked of you, you may also view yourself in a distorted way. To deal with the feeling that people take advantage of you, you need to challenge illogical and distorted thoughts about yourself and others.
- For example, you may feel responsible for what others are feeling (a "mistaken belief of control from within"). It is a common cause that leads people to feel exploited: you worry about hurting the feelings of others by saying no, so you always accept when you are asked for something. However, do not do yourself or the other person a favor if you are not honest about your limitations. Saying no can be healthy and useful.
- "Identification" is another fairly common distortion. When you empathize, you become the cause of something for which, in reality, you are not responsible. For example: Imagine that a friend asks you to look after their children so they can go to a job interview, but at that moment you have an important event planned that you cannot postpone. By identifying with the situation, you feel the responsibilities of your friend until they are yours, even if they are not. By accentuating instead of refusing, you may feel very dissatisfied, because you don't respect your needs.
- "Catastrophism" occurs when you allow the vision of a given situation to threaten to grow uncontrollably into worst-case scenarios. For example, you may feel underappreciated at the thought of being fired and moving under the bridge after talking frankly with your boss. In all likelihood, it won't happen!
- One of the most counterproductive beliefs that can keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of demotivating feelings is that you don't deserve anything different. Believing that you are abandoned if you do not please others can lead you to surround yourself with people who do not contribute to your happiness and personal growth.
Step 4. Think about what you want
You have the knowledge that you don't want to feel exploited. But what do you want? It's hard to see a change in the situation if you feel a vague dissatisfaction, but you don't have a clear idea of how to improve it. Try making a list of the things you would like to change your reports. Once you realize what an ideal interaction should look like, you will be able to take the best action to get to your goal.
For example, if you feel exploited because your children only call you when they need money, think about how you would like your relationships to be. Do you want them to call you once a week? When did they have a nice day? Do you want to give them money when they ask for it? Do you give them to them because you're worried they won't call you again if you don't please them? You need to examine your own limitations so that you can communicate them to others
Step 5. Respect yourself
Only you can set your limits and respect them. You risk feeling under-appreciated because you don't clearly express your needs and feelings, or perhaps because you interact with a manipulative person. Unfortunately, there are individuals who, to get what they want, maneuver others as soon as they get the chance. That the way the other person treats you comes from ignorance or manipulation, don't assume that the situation will resolve itself. Action must be taken.
Step 6. Test how you interpret interactions with others
The feeling of being exploited may be due to the fact that you are prone to drawing hasty conclusions about how the interaction with someone will develop. For example, you may think the other person gets offended or angry at you if you say no. Or you think it because he forgot to do something for you, without showing any kind of interest. Try to stop and think rationally about each situation.
- For example, you often give your partner gifts to express your love for them, but you get nothing in return. You don't feel appreciated because you are linking another person's love to a particular action. However, your partner may be taking care of you, without giving you the demonstrations you are looking for. By talking to him, you could clear up this misunderstanding.
- You might also observe how others handle requests from a particular person. For example, if you feel like your boss is taking advantage of you for giving you more and more work to do over the weekend, talk to your coworkers. How did they deal with such requests? Have they suffered the negative consequences you expect? It may be that you are overworked because you are the only person who cannot stand up for yourself.
Step 7. Learn to be assertive
Communicating assertively does not mean being arrogant or overbearing: it means clearly expressing your needs, feelings and thoughts in front of others. If people don't know what your needs are and what you feel, they can take advantage of you, even if they don't intend to. Some research has shown that you can express negative emotions even without hurting others, if you do it assertively rather than using aggression.
- Communicate your needs openly and sincerely. Use first-person phrases, such as "I wish …" or "I don't like …".
- Don't be overly apologetic and don't belittle yourself. It is not a problem to say no. There is no need to feel guilty by refusing a request you don't feel you can accommodate.
Step 8. Feel comfortable when you have an argument
Some people try to avoid conflict at all costs. They are likely to be afraid to upset others or to behave in this way because of their cultural principles (for example, those with a collectivist culture might interpret conflict as something negative). When the desire to avoid confrontation prevents you from expressing your needs and feelings, then it becomes a problem.
- The manifestation of your needs can also lead to a confrontation, but it is not necessarily always negative. Studies have shown that conflict, when managed productively, can foster the development of skills such as compromise, negotiation and cooperation.
- If you practice being assertive, you will be able to manage conflicts better. Assertive communication can lead to increased self-esteem. By believing that your feelings and needs are as important as those of others, you have the ability to handle a confrontation without getting defensive or feeling the need to attack the other person.
Step 9. Seek help
It can be difficult to fight helplessness and guilt on your own, but it can also be difficult to break mental patterns once they are formed, especially if you have been dealing for a long time with someone who held a position of authority over you. and made you feel compelled to obey unconditionally. Don't be hard on yourself: you have matured your way of acting as an adaptation mechanism, to protect yourself from dangers and threats; the problem is that it proves ineffective if it makes you fall into the same patterns from time to time. By dealing with it, you will be able to feel happier and more confident.
Some people are able to decide to overcome problems on their own, perhaps with the help of a friend or mentor. Others find it beneficial to go to a therapist or psychologist. Find the solution that best suits your needs
Method 3 of 3: Working with Others
Step 1. Start gradually
You probably won't be able to communicate your needs and assert yourself at any moment. Therefore, it is best to try to defend yourself in low-risk situations, before confronting someone who occupies a position of authority or some importance (for example, your employer or your partner).
For example, if a co-worker asks you to bring him coffee every time you go to the coffee shop, but never offers to pay, you could remind him how much it costs the next time he makes this request. You must not offend or be aggressive; just say something to him in a cordial, but clear-cut way, like: "Would you rather give me the money to pay for your coffee or give you credit and buy it yourself next time?"
Step 2. Be direct
If it seems to you that others are taking advantage of you, you need to make it known. However, it is not appropriate to say explicitly: "You are exploiting me". Attacks and second-person phrases take down the ability to communicate and can make the situation worse. Rather, express yourself in a simple way, using facts to express your discomfort.
- Keep calm. You may feel resentment, anger, or frustration, but it's important to keep these kinds of emotions in check. While you will likely be overwhelmed by a flood of negative feelings, stay calm and let the other person know that you are not unstable or aggressive, but that you mean it.
- Focus on the sentences in the first person. It's easy to get carried away by the temptation to say things like "You make me miserable" or "You're an idiot," but all of this just puts the other person on the defensive. Instead, stick to explaining how things affect you and introduce your speech with "It seems to me", "I wish", "I need to", "I would" and "I intend to do this from now on."
- If you're worried that enforcing a limit might give the impression that you don't want to offer your help, try explaining the situation. For example, if a colleague asks you for a hand, you might say something like, "Normally I enjoy helping you with your work, but my son's play is tonight and I don't want to lose it."You can decide to show your interest in others without them getting the upper hand with their requests.
- Don't reward hostile or manipulative attitudes with positive consequences. Turning the other cheek when someone abuses you risks encouraging their behavior. Rather, express your disappointment with him.
Step 3. Offer suggestions so that others can solve their problems
People may not even realize they are taking advantage of you. Most of the time he tends to fix things when you point it out, but he probably doesn't know how. Therefore, offer some suggestions for addressing the problem so that you can be satisfied with your relationship.
- For example, if you feel exploited because your contribution to a group project has not been recognized, explain how your boss can remedy the situation. You could say something like: "The only name that has been left out of this huge project is mine. At the time I got the impression that my work was not appreciated. In the future, I would like all members of the group".
- Here's another example: If it seems like your partner is taking your love for him for granted because he doesn't express his feelings clearly, offer him some helpful tips to make you feel appreciated. You could say something like, "I know you don't like the idea of giving flowers and chocolates, but I would like you to express your feelings for me from time to time in any way you like. Even a simple message during the day could really make me feel more. desired ".
Step 4. Use empathy when interacting with others
You don't have to get into a fight to stand up for yourself or pretend to be a totally indifferent person to say no to others. By expressing your attention to other people's feelings, you will be able to ease tension in difficult situations and dispose people to listen to your concerns.
For example, if your partner always leaves you to do the dishes and do the laundry, start showing your empathy: "I know you worry about me, but when I'm always taking care of the dishes and the laundry, I feel more like a housekeeper than a partner. I would like you to help me take care of these matters. We could alternate the days or do them together."
Step 5. Review what you mean
It may be helpful to try some evidence of what you mean to someone. Write your thoughts about the situation or behavior that upset you, describing what you would like to see change. It is not necessary to memorize every word. The important thing is that you are comfortable with what you intend to express, so that you can communicate clearly with people.
- For example, imagine you have a friend with whom you often make plans that you cancel at the last minute. You begin to feel little appreciated, because you have the impression that you do not respect the commitments made with you. In this case, you could talk to him as follows: "Mario, I would like to talk to you about something that bothered me. We often plan to go out together and end up canceling everything at the last minute. I feel frustrated because, in these cases, I can't to organize myself on such short notice. It seems to me that you take my time for granted because I am always available to go out with you when you ask me. Sometimes I wonder if you don't cancel everything because, in reality, you don't intend to date me. next time we do projects together, I'd like you to put them on your schedule so you don't have any other plans on the same day. If you can't help but cancel them, I'd like you to call me a little earlier."
- Here's another example: "Sofia, I should tell you about when I look after your children. A few days ago you asked me if I can babysit your child next week and I said yes. I accepted because I appreciate our friendship and I want to that you know that I am always there when you need me. However, I have already done it several times this month and I begin to feel an unconditional availability for your requests. I would like you to ask other people to help you too, instead of turning exclusively to me ".
Step 6. Use body language assertively
It is important to match words to behaviors so as not to send confusing signals to people. If you need to decline a request or impose a limit, using body language assertively can help the other person understand that you mean it.
- Stand straight and maintain eye contact. Confront the person you are talking to.
- Speak in a firm, gentle voice. There is no need to shout to be heard.
- Don't laugh, don't move restlessly, and don't make funny faces. Even if you feel that these tactics may "soften the blow" caused by your rejection, they may actually communicate that you are not going to say what you are saying.
Step 7. Be consistent
Make it clear that when you say no, that's your intention. Do not give in to any manipulation or guilt. People may initially test your limits, especially if you have accepted their requests in the past. Be persistent and polite in enforcing your limits.
- When you stick to your limits, don't give the impression that you are being self-righteous by over-justifying yourself. If you offer too many explanations or insist on your point of view in an exaggerated way, you risk being arrogant, even if it is not your intention.
- For example, if a neighbor comes to you repeatedly to ask you to borrow some tools, without returning them most of the time, you don't have to rant about personal rights to refuse you the next time they make these kinds of requests. Politely, tell him that you will not give him anything until he returns what you have already loaned him.
Advice
- Remember that it is appropriate to respect the needs of others as well as your own: you do not have to be overbearing to others to assert yourself.
- Don't make sacrifices for anyone unless you really have the time, energy and money. If not, you may be annoyed with them.
- Be assertive and kind at the same time. Also remember to be polite: rudeness can only make people more hostile.
- Rationality and the ability to calm down can help you if you feel compelled to indulge the will of other people for fear of losing their friendship. By thinking rationally, you will be able to stop making decisions based on fear of other people's reactions.
- Ask the other person what they think and feel. Don't think you can read minds and don't make assumptions.
