When talking to shy people, it is important to follow some guidelines so as not to scare or discourage them in an attempt to get them to open up.
Steps
Step 1. Approach non-threateningly, with a smiling, friendly expression
Try to make eye contact with them, but don't expect them to look back, as looking someone in the eye can be very difficult for a shy person. Do not approach suddenly or too quickly, as you can appear threatening. Avoid smirking, or sarcastic, or bringing too many friends with you, so as not to give the impression of being part of a "clique".
Step 2. Don't ask too many questions
While it seems obvious, it's amazing how many people don't realize that shy people are afraid to express themselves. They prefer to listen. Of course, you can ask questions, and show genuine interest in what they have to say, but be careful not to subject them to a barrage of questions without even talking a little about yourself between questions, otherwise you risk sounding like an inquisitor. rather than a friend.
Step 3. When asking questions, don't be too personal
Try to focus on conversation items related to where you are, or the business you are doing. Ask for their opinion on the topics that emerge from your discussion. Avoid direct questions that ask for a yes or a no answer. Instead of asking "Did you like that new movie?", Ask instead "What do you think of…". Only after introducing more neutral topics, you can ask what their favorite activities are, but not first.
Step 4. Be patient
Getting a full answer can take some time, so don't be afraid of moments of silence. Solicit a response, saying "So?" or "What do you think?" it will not help, but will rather have the effect of making them nervous. Also avoid ending their sentences if they pause to reflect. They may try to articulate their thoughts in some particular way: give them time.
Step 5. Listen carefully to their responses, and offer positive feedback, such as "This is an interesting way to see this
I've never considered it from that point of view.”Make sure you react to their answers truthfully - if they have any doubts about your sincerity, it won't help you.
Step 6. Find topics that engage them
You will be amazed to find that shy people don't stop when they start talking about a topic that interests them.
Step 7. Encourage them to feel comfortable in your presence:
you will win their trust. Don't make jokes at their expense. On the other hand, be careful with compliments: a shy person can react with annoyance when someone they care about compliments them, because they are afraid that they are trying to flatter them. Compliments can make you feel very comfortable if done sincerely.
Step 8. Invite them to do something together
If you've discovered an activity they like to do, or have one in mind they might enjoy, ask them if they're interested in meeting you later to do it together, perhaps with some other friends of yours. They may prefer to do things rather than talk about it.
Step 9. Say you enjoy being their friend
When you have to say goodbye, smile and say that you really appreciate their company. It can be helpful to declare yourself available to talk to them whenever they feel the need, both with you and with your friends, but be aware that, at least initially, they will be more likely to talk to you privately rather than in a group. To say goodbye, choose parting words that are straightforward: if you give the impression of being false, instead of cheering up they can get discouraged.
Step 10. Don't speak to them as if they are stupid or without personality:
is very annoying and offensive. Some of the brightest people are actually shy.
Step 11. Don't treat them arrogantly, and don't make fun of them for their shyness
It can make them feel even more shy, and push them to walk away from you.
Advice
- Many shy people have a hidden side. If you happen to be friends with them, you may find that they are nice, messy and funny.
- Calling attention to their shyness can make them feel uncomfortable. Avoid telling them to their faces that they are shy, or asking why they are so quiet. It is likely that they have heard it many times before, and pointing it out again can only be counterproductive.
- Never ask a shy person why they are shy: it will make them feel even more shy and embarrassed. When you talk to him, be patient - it's the only way he can trust you.
- Some shy people actually want to talk to you with all their might, but have no idea how to get close. Take the initiative to make yourself heard from time to time so they get used to your presence.
- Feel free to talk to them - they may seem to shy away from a conversation with you, but they really aren't, or they would have already left.
- If you want to meet a shy person, it may be necessary to take the first step. But once you become friends, your relationship will likely become more frank and casual.
- Try to stick to discussion topics that involve places you both frequent. For example, if you are in school it is easier to talk about school. If they are very shy, don't ask personal questions, and talk about general things when it comes to giving an opinion.
- Don't insist that they participate in a group discussion. If they are not already involved in the discussion, and especially if they have withdrawn and it seems as if they are not listening, soliciting their intervention would have the effect of making them nervous, because they would suddenly find themselves in the center of attention. But if they are already in the group and can't find the courage to jump into the conversation, a simple question related to the topic of discussion can help them break the ice.
- Shy people are usually kind and nice, and often sensitive people. Don't provoke them, even with a harmless joke, because you can hurt their feelings. Try to be kind to them spontaneously, and they will behave the same way with you.
- Shy people mostly prefer to work alone, so don't insist on having them work together with someone. But if you ask them if they want to work with you, they will definitely say yes. The point is, it's easier for them to say yes, so don't be offended if they honestly tell you they prefer to go it alone.
- Don't be discouraged if a shy person doesn't come back for you after meeting you. It doesn't mean that he doesn't like you, just that he just doesn't feel comfortable taking the first step yet.
- Shy people have a tendency to choose words carefully. When they say something, make sure you have heard correctly before answering, and reflect on the concepts and tone they used to express them. There can be various levels of meaning hidden within the folds of a seemingly simple and straightforward sentence. When you reply, know that your shy friend would like you to grasp these hidden meanings as well, and not just the words. An abrupt or too hasty response can be interpreted as a loss of interest, or as an attempt to dismiss their opinion as trivial.
- Try to understand what their tastes are and find a point of contact between you in this regard. For example: you met a girl who loves cats. She has one, and so do you. So he starts by asking what his cat is called, and then gets into the conversation.
- Recognize that shyness affects everyone in certain situations. Put yourself in your shy friend's shoes: Think of a time when you had to speak in public in class, or in front of a group of strangers. Remember how difficult it was, so you can more easily appreciate his efforts.
- Don't invade their space. Each of us has around us invisible boundaries that delimit our personal space. If these boundaries are crossed, we feel uncomfortable. Shy people almost always need more space, at least in the early stages of a friendship. If they stiffen or jump when you approach, it means that you have crossed the line. Take a couple of steps back.
- Remember that shyness is rarely a choice. Some become so over time. If you really want to, you can overcome shyness. It doesn't happen overnight, but thanks to the challenges we face every day. It depends on the person.
- Be confident, but not overbearing. If you can get them to talk, try not to interrupt them. If they feel that what they say is not appreciated enough, or that you think they are saying trivial or boring things, it will become even more difficult for them to speak. Plus, they may think that you don't listen to them or, worse, that you don't care.
- Speak softly and with a pleasant cadence, but make sure you hear it clearly. If the other person talks too quietly or tends to mumble, raising your voice will do no good, in fact it could intimidate them and cause them to speak even more quietly.
- Come up with playful idioms to use habitually: it will help the other person to be themselves.
Warnings
- Don't say "Why are you so quiet?", "I don't bite!", "Can't you say something? It's not difficult!", "Don't be shy" or other such phrases: they are offensive. Once pronounced, they increase the atmosphere of embarrassment. The other person may even get angry or hurt. They turn off his enthusiasm for you, and the most likely response you might get is "I don't know", or even just a resentful look.
- Above all, never say "Hurray, he spoke!" if you hear him say something out loud. It is not only embarrassing for him, but also very rude and useless. Just because shy people are generally quiet doesn't mean they've lost their voices.
- If you want to strike up a conversation with a shy person, avoid approaching a group, especially if they don't know any of you well. For a shy person, facing a group of strangers is even more threatening. If you want to be considerate of him, let him know at least one person well before introducing him to the group.
- Don't touch it until after you've become good friends.
- If a shy person is attracted to you, they may interpret your interest in them as more than a conversation between friends. Try not to make room for such misunderstandings. He might get hit, or even fall in love with you, without you knowing anything about it for months or years. If you suspect that he is attracted to you and it is not mutual, try to clarify the situation as soon as possible: it will save him a lot of pain.
