You have a bad feeling. You think you've found a great guy and are proud that he's your boyfriend. However, something is not right for you. Maybe it's your instinct to talk and you have a bad feeling tormenting you, maybe his behavior is alarming, maybe your friends have warned you, the fact is that you are worried. Is your boyfriend using you? If you think this is the case (be it for sex, money, popularity, or whatever), it's important to delve into the situation and see if you should continue to nurture this relationship.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Analyzing Your Suspicions
Step 1. Think about when he wants to spend time with you
Does he want to see you only in the evening? Does he "casually" only have time to spare when you are invited to a pool party or do you want to take him somewhere at your own expense? Start by carefully examining the situations in which he wants to see you, because that says a lot about his intentions.
Step 2. Consider where he wants to spend time with you
If he wants to see you only in the bedroom, this is a considerable wake-up call. If he never wants you to meet his friends, but always prefers you to be alone in the house, he may not be interested in making your relationship public and official.
Step 3. Make a list of all these red flags
Think about each of them in detail. Consider factors such as the frequency and severity of their behavior or worrying comments. By putting everything in black and white, you can actually examine the source of your suspicion.
- Is this a repeat behavior or are you still angry about something he did once only six months ago? You should take care of yourself and stand up for yourself, but there are also cases where you need to be willing to forgive and forget if he has apologized.
- You certainly feel extremely annoyed when he promises to call you and then forgets about it. If he ignored you on your birthday because he had better things to do, this is unacceptable. Go through the list to honestly assess the severity of their actions and how they made you feel.
Step 4. Talk to friends and family you trust
Often the people around you can grasp aspects that escape you. Gossip, warnings, and suggestions from people outside the relationship can all be helpful when you are in conflict with yourself. But keep in mind that the relationship is all about you and your boyfriend, so only you two know the truth.
Don't pull out the dirty laundry of your relationship with anyone who is willing to listen, or you risk creating more problems. Only vent to people you trust
Step 5. Decide how to proceed
If you have assessed the situation, talked to your confidants, and have come to the conclusion that your suspicion is unfounded, decide how to proceed. Maybe you have trust issues that you need to resolve to feel secure in the relationship. If, on the other hand, you are sure that your concerns have a valid foundation, then you need to understand how to deal with the situation with your boyfriend.
Part 2 of 3: Observe and Try
Step 1. If you suspect there is a certain thing he wants, stop giving it to him
In other words, think about why you believe it is using you and remove it completely. Watch his reaction. In a healthy relationship, several aspects make a partner feel happy and satisfied. If the relationship is deeply suffering from this change, you may have a problem.
Step 2. If you think he is using you for sex or physical affection, tell him that you want to take a break from all of this for some time
If he only wants to see you at night and in the bedroom, tell him you'd like to go out during the day. When he takes the lead in intimacy, remind him that you are not momentarily interested in sex. Ask him to respect your limits.
- If you don't know what to tell him, maybe try to make him understand that you need to focus more on the emotional connection rather than the physical one. His attitude will let you know if he is using you or not. If he cares about continuing the relationship even without sex, he will stay by your side. If, on the other hand, he is with you only for physical intimacy … let him go.
- Remember, it's about your body. The most important thing is that when you say "NO", your boyfriend respects him.
Step 3. If you think you are being used for money, act accordingly
Tell him that you no longer intend to spend the same amount of money as before. If necessary, make up an excuse. If your boyfriend doesn't have the money to buy gifts and invite you out to dinner, that's perfectly understandable, but it's not fair for him to force you to pay. If interest wanes when you eliminate this factor, that's a bad sign.
- Tell him that you need to save some money and that you will soon begin to scale back your spending. Remind him every time he asks you for money or asks you to pay something for him. Again, his reaction will make you understand his intentions.
- You can do this with any other element he uses you for, such as popularity, gifts, and so on. It may seem difficult at first, but a guy who truly loves you will stick with you if he thinks it's worth it.
Step 4. Notice what's right for you
When you're madly in love and it all seems like a fairy tale, you may not notice that your boyfriend doesn't lift a finger for you. It happens to be so infatuated that you totally ignore your partner's apathy. However, start paying attention to what works for you. He doesn't necessarily have to give you bouquets of roses and take you to fancy restaurants, he thinks more about simple expressions of affection.
For example, does he make simple but still meaningful gestures, such as bringing you a coffee when he knows you're tired or sends you an encouraging message when he knows you're having a bad day?
Step 5. Recognize the difference between sincere compliments and flattery
If she tells you she loves your sense of humor and wants to listen to you when you're having trouble, she probably really cares about you. If, on the other hand, he only compliments you on your body or your beauty, be careful.
Pay particular attention to how he behaves when he knows he won't get any benefit in return. If he makes nice gestures without double ends, that's a good sign
Step 6. Make time to be alone
You don't have to openly tell him that you need a break, but try to get away for a while. It is easy to accept the wrong behaviors or ignore the alarm bells in the presence of your boyfriend. Whether you are blinded by love or worried about denying him something, you risk not thinking clearly when you are with him.
- When you are apart, reflect on the relationship. Does he give you the same as you give him? Healthy relationships are fair.
- By giving him some space, you will also be able to see how he fares on his own, without that factor that you think he's using you for.
Part 3 of 3: Talk to Him
Step 1. Plan to discuss this with him and deal with the situation calmly
You need to tell him you want to talk about an important issue, or he might get defensive and be shaken by surprise. You will give him time to reflect on the relationship and prepare for a well thought out conversation. By making an appointment to talk, you will also have time to calm down, collect your thoughts and figure out how to express yourself.
It is essential to open the conversation calmly and with balance. Even if you feel hurt or angry, the dialogue won't be productive if you cry or insult your boyfriend all the time
Step 2. Express your concerns
Be direct, but don't attack him. Don't minimize your emotions and don't hide them under the rug. They are important, so you shouldn't be afraid to express them just because they make you feel uncomfortable. By putting his cards on the table, you allow him to explain to you, console you, admit his wrongs or improve his behavior.
Begin sentences with "I" instead of "You" so that the tone doesn't sound accusatory. Saying that it saddens you that you only spend time together at night is better than saying rather than the fact that you hate calling you only when it suits him
Step 3. Give him the opportunity to speak
Even if you are absolutely certain that your fears are well founded and that he is using you, letting him explain will allow you to put your soul in peace. Avoid interrupting it, or you will only add to the tension. If you disagree with a statement, wait for him to finish speaking before addressing it. By giving him a chance to express himself, you can analyze his reaction after confessing your concerns to him. Does he have remorse and apologies or is he defensive and rude?
Remember that your emotions matter. As much as your boyfriend believes he has done nothing wrong, don't let him make you feel guilty about how you feel
Step 4. Decide how to move on, be it as a couple or alone
After you have expressed your thoughts and explained how you feel, decide how to proceed. If he doesn't give you explanations, doesn't apologize, doesn't reassure you, and doesn't seem optimistic about the future of the relationship, maybe it's time to break up.
If you have decided to stay with him and are convinced of his good intentions, ask him to work out a plan together. If you've been hurt and felt like you were giving more than you received, you need to figure out how to remedy these problems, otherwise you'll be back where you started
Step 5. Consider the relationship as a learning experience
When you recognize what is hurting you, stand up for yourself, face a situation and turn the page, acquire valuable information. Thanks to this experience, you can define what you will accept and what you will no longer accept, you can learn to manage conflicts and become better at solving problems. It is painful to use these skills, but they will give you the opportunity to demand respect and better treatment in the future.
