After losing their spouse, widowed women often find it difficult to proceed with life even at the most basic level. The idea of going out with someone and falling in love again may seem like an impossible mountain to climb. So how should you move when you are interested in dating a woman who has been widowed? Learn how to carry out your relationship in a healthy and respectful way.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Understanding Your Partner's Needs
Step 1. Recognize the place of the deceased spouse in your partner's life
Your partner loved (and still loves) her late husband. The loss will always maintain a certain level of presence in his life. If you are going to be in a relationship with this person, you will need to acknowledge this fact, deal with it and learn to support them in the best possible way.
It is completely normal to feel uncomfortable at first. Death is a sensitive subject in itself, which becomes even more difficult to deal with when it hits someone you care about. Avoid the temptation to shake off these feelings
Step 2. Accept your partner's right to keep her deceased husband's jewelry
These are precious objects that he has every right to keep with him. Be respectful, not hostile, and try not to view this as a threat to you or your relationship. If you move in together in the future, you can discuss what to do with these objects.
Step 3. Don't ignore the conversations about the deceased husband
Let your partner express thoughts and feelings about the grief she has been through. While it is normal to feel uncomfortable, you should try to keep a sensitive and open mind about what you are feeling. Avoiding the problem won't help you, her, or your relationship.
- There will be moments that will remind her of her late spouse in a particular way. If she wants to share those memories with you, listen to her openly and patiently. Encourage her to share these thoughts with you - by doing this, she is showing you that she wants to create a bond between you.
- Interact with her during these moments of conversation. Show her that you are listening to her by looking into her eyes and nodding. Keep your ears and mind open.
- Don't be afraid to try to find out more about your partner's deceased husband, the kind of person he was, and the life they spent together. For example, you might say: “You seem to have had a great time in the Maldives. What other trips have you made together? " or "What were Francesco's hobbies?". Asking questions like that shows your partner how much you care about her.
Step 4. Respect the times when she wants to cry on her own
Sometimes your partner will have a hard time sharing the pain she feels with you; don't force it to open if you still don't feel it. Some aspects of her relationship with her late husband, such as the events surrounding her death or the last days of her life, may still be too painful to deal with. She will only talk to you about the past when she is emotionally ready to do so.
Step 5. Pay attention to how you relate to the deceased spouse
Never call him "your ex" - this would suggest that their relationship ended by choice, rather than a sad and unfortunate event. Instead, refer to him using words like "missing", "deceased" or "deceased".
Step 6. Avoid using clichés to comfort your partner
You may be tempted to offer her comfort by suggesting that her deceased spouse is “no longer in pain” or is “in a better place,” however keep in mind that very often these idioms fail to soothe feelings of grief. Regardless of the circumstances of the death or your partner's current attempts to move forward, part of her still longs for the life she could have had with her late husband.
Phrases best suited to offer comfort might be "I know it's painful for you, but would you like to talk about it?" or "I'm always here if you need company." Show your support by letting her know that you will be there when she needs it
Step 7. Be aware of your partner's emotional ups and downs
Even seemingly neutral events can trigger sad moments - seeing her late spouse's favorite dish on a restaurant menu or an ad for the TV series they loved to watch together could make her sad, from time to time. Go through these moments together and try not to get nervous - they are a completely normal part of the grieving process and can occur several years after the loss.
Step 8. Respect her pain on special occasions and anniversaries
Birthdays, wedding and death anniversaries can be particularly difficult for your partner. The most you can do is be there. Ask her if there is anything she would like to arrange to commemorate the date.
Always ask first if you would like company or prefer to be alone. In the latter case, he respects his decision
Step 9. Offer your partner to start psychotherapy if they seem to be unable to process the bereavement
You may want to learn about the symptoms of complicated bereavement as part of your research on the loss of a loved one; this can include daily reactions of extreme pain for several months, changes in the sleep cycle and diet, a deep desire to be with the deceased loved one, sometimes even to the point of self-harm. Help your partner find professional support if her pain has reached this level.
Method 2 of 3: Building the Relationship
Step 1. Take it easy at first
Don't enter the relationship expecting immediate commitment; instead, take some time to get to know your partner better and create a bond with her. Dating after the loss of a spouse can be scary, so your partner may be intimidated by just these first steps.
Step 2. Ask your partner what her expectations are about your relationship
Many people date with the intention of creating a long-term relationship, including widows. Make sure you talk to her about what both of you are looking for in a relationship. If you want something serious and lasting, feel free to move on. However, if you think you want something different, it might be best for everyone to go their own way.
To start this conversation, you might ask her, "Would you like to talk about where this relationship is going?" or "Can we talk a little about how interested we are in having a serious relationship?"
Step 3. Build new memories and habits with your partner
Your partner's widowed status doesn't have to define your relationship, despite its understandable impact. You can strengthen your story by trying to do new things together. This will not erase the memories of her late spouse, but it will help her look to the future with you.
You could go to your favorite restaurant for dinner or pursue a new hobby together. Even small moments, like cooking a lunch or telling you a joke, can go a long way in strengthening your bond
Step 4. Talk honestly with your partner about each other's insecurities
Dating a widow can present new and unexpected challenges to a relationship. You may start to feel uncomfortable hearing her talk about her late husband and compare yourself to him. She may fear losing you just as she lost her spouse before you. Share your feelings, so that we can process them together.
A useful way to start this conversation would be: “I feel uncomfortable when you compare my new haircut to Marco's. For me it is important that you see me as I am ". To get to the heart of the matter, be sure to focus on how a certain behavior makes you feel
Step 5. Meet your partner's children if you decide to commit
Let them familiarize themselves with you at their own pace. Children can easily feel threatened by the idea of a stepparent and may get the impression that you are trying to take over from their deceased father.
- Introduce yourself to them, but don't try to participate in family activities right away. Your partner's children will need to get used to your presence gradually.
- Let your partner guide you. He knows his children better than you do. Talk to her about how to calmly approach them and get to know their personalities and interests. It might be best to start by having dinner with them one night or by taking your partner and children to one of their extracurricular activities. Attending undemanding events will help relieve some of the tension.
Method 3 of 3: Take Care of Yourself
Step 1. Avoid emulating your partner's deceased spouse
It may be tempting to try to alleviate the loss of your partner by mimicking the appearance of his or her deceased spouse or by assuming their former responsibilities or pastimes, however remember that you are a different person. Do not try to act as a surrogate for someone who is no longer there, it is a role that will be impossible to play. You will only hurt yourself and your partner in the long run.
Step 2. Remind yourself that the deceased husband is not a threat to your relationship
Your presence in your partner's life is a sign of their willingness to overcome pain and loss. Your relationship symbolizes a new chapter that, over time, will hopefully blossom into a wonderful and mutually fulfilling experience.
Step 3. Be assertive (but understanding) about behaviors that make you uncomfortable
Sometimes your partner may say things that hurt your feelings, openly identifying you with her late husband or referring to your relationship in a way that makes her seem "different". It is normal to experience these things. Talk to your partner and try to find a solution that meets the needs of both of you.
Step 4. See a therapist if you are emotionally distressed
If you are faced with enormous feelings of anxiety or sadness about your role in your partner's life, there is nothing wrong with talking to a professional, who can help you understand these feelings better and manage them healthily.
Advice
- Make sure you take care of yourself and that your physical and emotional needs are met as much as those of your partner. The key to a successful relationship is mutual happiness.
- Maintain a patient and open attitude. Pain can be uncontrolled and incomprehensible. Let your partner experience their emotions when they come, rather than discourage them.
- Remember that your relationship is just as important as the one you had with your deceased spouse. Insecurity is a common emotion among widows' new partners; you will have to understand and accept that a piece of his heart is with someone else, even though he is choosing to move on with you. It symbolizes a new chapter in his life. Take comfort in thinking about this if you feel insecurity begin to creep in.
- The best approach to talking to your partner's children is to do it all together. You can say something like this: “I know how much you loved your father and I fully understand that you are hesitant towards me. Know that I will never try to take his place. Your mother is someone I care a lot about, so I'd love to get to know you better”.
Warnings
- Avoid comparing your partner's grief to a breakup or other loss of a different magnitude. These situations are not comparable and do not produce the same level of pain. Unless you've lost a spouse yourself, you'll have a hard time understanding what you really feel.
- Do not joke about the deceased husband to try to "lighten the mood". You could pull your partner away and put an end to your relationship.
