Why do some people behave unpleasantly? Why do they tend to sabotage any attempt to approach and show affection from others? In reality, there is no simple answer to these questions - for some, the cause may be an irrational fear of friendly interaction, while for others it could be traced back to past trauma or even uncontrollable pathologies. Regardless of the cause, striving to love a person who insists on being unlovable is one of the noblest (however difficult) things you can do. Love those who most need to be loved starting from the first point.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Establish a bond
Step 1. Look for the good in this person
When dealing with someone you consider unlovable, the first step should be to detach yourself and try to think about the person as a whole. Ask yourself: is it really unlovable? Does she actively resist the efforts of love towards her, or is she or is she just a bit strange and introverted? Doesn't this person really have any positive traits, or just haven't looked hard enough? Try to think of the ways - even subtle ones - in which this person has proven that they are not so bad. It can be small gestures of kindness, talents, or even nice things he said.
Trying to love someone is much easier if you don't start out seeing them as "unlovable". This is why it is a good idea to look for some small merit of the person you are trying to love. By identifying the merits of this person, you are dissociating them from the "unlovable" label in your mind
Step 2. Look for the root of this person's behavior
It is much easier to love someone who reacts to your gestures of love with anger or frustration if you have some idea of the reason for their behavior. Some people push others away because they have been hurt in the past and are afraid of exposing themselves to the same pain again, while others may simply not know how to be lovable because they have never been taught. Finally, it is also worth noting that some may be unlovable due to actual mental disorders or imbalances, or as a result of harassment. In these cases, understanding the reasons for a person's behavior can make it much easier to love them.
One way to find out why an unpleasant person behaves the way you do is by trying to get to know them. In this case, you may want to go to the next section on opening a dialogue with unlovable people. However, if this person is so difficult to prevent a bond, you may want to try to gently introduce the topic with those who know them, for example their friends (if there are any), family members, companions, roommates and so on
Step 3. Respond to anger with kindness
If the unlovable person you are dealing with tends to attack you whenever you try to bond, resist the temptation to respond. Anyone who has earned a reputation as "unlovable" is likely more than used to being subjected to the mockery, insults, and verbal abuse of others, so they won't get you anywhere. Rather, try to be nice to this person. Respond to hostility with a smile, a kindness or even an offer to help with whatever troubles her. Probably being an unusual experience for her, it could take her off guard, opening her up to a continuation of the conversation. At the very least, it will show her that not everyone will respond to her anger with their own.
For example, let's say you are walking down the hallways at school, and suddenly you notice a student known for being grumpy, weird and unsociable coming towards you. You say "Hello!" and he frowns at you. Here, if you can, you should react positively without batting an eye. Smiling and answering "Have a nice day" !, for example, might seem a bit cheesy as a normal social interaction, but for this person it could be the only kind phrase of the day
Step 4. Set a positive example for others
As mentioned earlier, the so-called "unlovable" are often targeted with jokes, mockery and verbal abuse. This kind of negative attention can discourage them from any positive social interaction with others, leading to a vicious circle in which the negative actions of otherwise decent human beings reinforce the behavior of the "unlovable" person. In these cases, changing people's actions around the person in question, rather than focusing solely on them, can work wonders. Try to encourage everyone to follow your example and treat the unlovable person with kindness, even when they don't seem to deserve it.
For example, let's say you are sitting in class waiting for the teacher with the antisocial from the previous example and a couple of popular guys. If possible, you could try to establish a precedent by treating the unsocial with kindness, starting a friendly conversation with him before the popular kids can make fun of him. Even if he reacts negatively, you will have the opportunity to set a good example by handling this anger with courtesy
Step 5. Listen to this person
Some asocial and "unlovable" behave in this way because they feel they are unable to build genuine bonds with other people and, even on rare occasions to the contrary, they are not listened to. Although it may be difficult to recognize the "signal" of what the unlovable person is trying to express in the "confusion" of hostility shown in your interactions, explicit your attempt to understand could be enough to make a good impression.
For example, let's say you sit down at lunch with the antisocial from the previous situations, because you notice that he is in the corner all alone. At first he treats you smugly, but then blurts out "Heck, can't you see I want to be alone?" You might try to calmly respond with something like, “Hey sorry, I didn't know - I was just trying to meet new people. But I'll leave you alone if you want”. He will likely not immediately apologize by asking you to stay, but at the very least he may notice your consideration for what he said, rather than ignoring him or not listening to his words
Step 6. Recognize the signs of mental illness or personality disorder
Unfortunately, some people known as "unlovable" behave that way due to actual physical problems that make it difficult, if not impossible, for them to behave like others. In these cases, the negative behavior of the "unlovable" person may not be a choice, so reacting negatively may not only be a bad idea, but also cruel. If you think that an "unlovable" person is exhibiting one of the following disorders and is not receiving the necessary help, contact someone such as a counselor or social worker:
- Clinical Depression: Can cause irritability, sadness, lack of motivation, self-pity, and reckless attitudes.
- Antisocial personality disorder: it can cause lack of empathy, irritability and aggression, poor control of instincts, lack of guilt or remorse and ruthless, selfish behavior.
- Narcissistic personality disorder: it can cause a disproportionate sense of self-esteem, envy, a strong desire to be admired, lack of empathy and excessive anger towards insults or lack of respect.
- Avoidant personality disorder: it can cause extreme fear of being embarrassed or rejected, an excessively docile and constrained personality, constant anxiety, fear of taking risks and embarrassment in social situations.
Step 7. Recognize the signs of trauma and harassment
Perhaps the most tragic of all "unlovable" individuals are those who have become like this due to some kind of trauma or harassment from the outside. Extremely traumatic experiences, especially in childhood, can have profound impacts on the ways in which a person thinks, behaves and perceives those around them. As difficult as it may be for an inexperienced person to spot the signs of past harassment, seeing any of the signs listed should trigger concern and action, so contact a qualified professional (teachers, counselors, social workers…) immediately.
- Physical harassment: unexplained or mysterious injuries or illnesses. Wounds often branded as "accidents". He may wear clothes suitable for hiding marks or injuries (long sleeves, sunglasses…) and / or skipping work, school or going out.
- Emotional harassment: low self-esteem, anxiety and social refractoriness. Within a relationship, this person may be overly anxious to please the partner, avoid going out without the partner, have restricted access to family, friends and / or property, and may have to continually "control" their partner.
Method 2 of 3: Open a dialog
Step 1. Begin by inviting this person to social occasions
If you are trying to get an "unlovable" person out of their shell, going out alone could be embarrassing and stressful for both of you. Instead, try inviting this person to an event with lots of other people. At the event, do your best to make her feel comfortable, but try not to exclude her, as it could be terribly embarrassing and discourage her from accepting new invitations.
For example, let's say you throw a party and invite the antisocial character from the previous examples as a sign of goodwill. When it shows up, you are pleasantly surprised. However, you should not welcome him too much or he will think he is the center of attention, which in his experience has not been a good thing so far. Rather, welcome him like any other guest. Over the course of the party, you might try to converse with him, introduce him to your friends, and introduce him to group conversations if he seems to be left out. He will probably appreciate your help
Step 2. Move on to more intimate occasions
Over time, as the "unlovable" person becomes more comfortable with social events, you may find that they spontaneously open up and become more agreeable. In this case, you can cautiously try inviting him to events with fewer people where he can have meaningful interactions with other people. You should never feel compelled to do this - in fact, acting like someone's great friend when you really don't care about them is disrespectful and cruel. However, if you are beginning to like this formerly "unlovable" person, you shouldn't even have any qualms about trying.
For example, in the usual example, if this person reacted well to the invitation to some parties, you could try inviting him to go out with a smaller group of friends, to bowling or to a pub. If he seems to continue to behave well, you can probably proceed to treat him like any other friend
Step 3. Don't get discouraged by negative reactions
The preceding steps assume positive outcomes of inviting a previously "unlovable" person to go out with you. There is also the possibility that you will not get a good reaction. The "unlovable" person may regress to their previous behavior or start attacking other guests, making the situation embarrassing for everyone. In such cases, you can limit your losses and avoid inviting her again or, if her behavior becomes unacceptable, politely ask her to leave.
It is not necessarily cruel to stop inviting a difficult person to social occasions after he has sabotaged some - it is simply a matter of learning from experience. In such cases, it tends to be more stressful for all invitees (including the "unlovable" person) to continue to involve them
Method 3 of 3: Use a religious approach
Step 1. Seek guidance from the holy scriptures
Some people feel the need to open up to those who have been labeled "unlovable" for religious reasons - for example, their religion requires them to reach out to others even when it is difficult or thinking that this selfless attitude is desirable. Major world religions tend to urge followers to act with love and kindness towards others, so if you are looking for inspiration in times when it is difficult to love someone, turn to religious scriptures. Here is a short selection of religious quotes about love and empathy from a wide range of global religions (there are many others).
- Christianity: if someone says they love God and hate their brother, they are lying; because whoever does not love the brother he has seen cannot love God, whom he has never seen.
- Islam: "none of you have faith until you love for your brother or neighbor what you love for yourself".
- Judaism: “do not do to others what you would not do to yourself. It is the whole Torah; the rest is pure comment. Go and study it”.
- Hinduism: "when a person responds to the joys and sorrows of others as if they were his own, he has reached the highest peak of spiritual unity".
- Buddhism: "Compassion is a mind that tastes only pity and love for every living being".
- Sikh: "not even kings and emperors loaded with riches and powers cannot compare to an ant full of God's love".
- Note: since "loving the unlovable" is a phrase often used in Christian contexts, the rest of this section will cover certain Christian concepts and terms. However, it is important to understand how practically every great religion professes love for one's neighbor, especially the "unlovable" people, who are most in need of love.
Step 2. Love the unlovable as God does
God, creator of the universe, is the origin of all love. When we love, we imitate God. In fact, when we strive to love others even if they display unlovable behavior, we are imitating one of the main traits of God, namely unconditional love. If you find it hard to justify your constant kindness towards someone who doesn't seem to deserve or appreciate it, try to think of your attitude less as an action towards another individual, and more as an application of divine love.
Step 3. Recognize that unlovable people are those most in need of love
As stated above, God loves people unconditionally. However, those who have strayed from the divine path, rejecting his love, need love more than anyone else. Only through love (never force or compulsion) can these people be brought back into the divine light, so by showing them love, you are opening this spiritual door for them.
In Christianity, returning to divine love after making a mistake is usually considered one of the greatest personal victories (for a literary example, read the parable of the prodigal son). By showing your love to someone, you bring this victory closer to this person
Step 4. See your efforts of love towards this person as acts of faith
One way to motivate yourself to extend your love to someone who makes the task difficult is to think of it as a sign or testament to the strength of your faith. If you normally struggle to love someone because of your behavior, see it as a challenge to your faith - doing your best to love this person is a way to show your devotion.
Step 5. Realize that God loves this person
Some people's actions hurt so much that it makes it very, very difficult to love them, especially if they have involved you personally. Even if you can't bring yourself to really love someone, don't forget that God loves that person as much as He loves you. For this, the unlovable person is at least worthy of your kindness and your forgiveness, even if you cannot convince yourself to love them sincerely.
For inspiration, read the story of Robert Rule, who famously forgave serial killer Gary Ridgway for the murder of his own daughter, Linda Rule, because it was, in his words, "what God would have wanted."
Step 6. Remember the Golden Rule
Treat others as you would like to be treated - virtually every culture and religion on the planet has some variation of this rule (many are listed in the quotes above). No matter what is said or done to you, the golden rule indicates that you should treat others as you would like them to treat you. If someone is practically unlovable, keeping the rule in mind can help you justify your continued efforts to exhibit as much kindness and love as possible despite this person's hostility.
