A romantic relationship can start well, but because it lasts it requires commitment from both sides as time passes. One of the most helpful ways to solidify your relationship with your girlfriend is to improve your communication skills. If you learn to communicate better with each other, you will be able to open up and approach each other, regardless of the phase your story is going through.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Learning to Listen
Step 1. Don't hesitate to ask questions
It is one of the most effective ways to improve the dialogue with your partner. Therefore, it would be appropriate for you to ask each other how work went, how you feel and other daily "updates" regarding your respective lives. You should also ask her a few questions to clarify what you said or to dig deeper and make her open up further.
- Ask sensitive questions. Introduce the speech in a general way and proceed until your girlfriend comes to reveal something more specific to you.
- You could start by asking her how your day was and inquiring about something pleasant (or unpleasant) that happened at work.
- Once she begins to describe in more detail what happened to her, try making connections with other conversations you have had. For example, you might ask her, "This happened before, right?" Or, "Really? I can't believe it happened after _ told you otherwise last week."
- Ask her what she thinks about what happened. Let her know you care and offer your support.
Step 2. Reword the speech so that you can reflect
An important problem that arises in couple communication is when one of the two partners has the impression that the other does not listen to him or does not understand him. By rephrasing what your girlfriend just told you in your own words, you show her that you listen to her and that you rework everything she tells you. Also, this way, if you realize that you are distracting yourself and are having trouble concentrating on what you are hearing, you will be able to mentally remain anchored in the conversation.
- Use a natural tone. The conversation could escalate very quickly if your partner fears that you are making fun of her while you put what she has told you in your own words.
- Don't overdo it when rephrasing your speech. If you do this too often, it can be annoying or irritating.
- Pick up your girlfriend's reasoning by rephrasing it in your own words. This will show her that you are not simply repeating everything she says word for word, but that you are careful to rework it.
- Try using a passing sentence before you start rephrasing your speech. For example, you might say, "So what you're saying is…" or, "I think I understand your point of view. You're saying _, right?"
Step 3. Pay attention to the signs of non-verbal communication
Body language is often as eloquent as words. The posture we assume during a conversation can be involuntary or subconsciously reflect our state of mind. Try not to be too obsessive about your girlfriend's body language, but if you feel like there's a problem, try asking her if she's nervous and let her know you've noticed her gestures.
- If she crosses her arms, she may be defensive, distant, or emotionally withdrawn.
- If she avoids looking you in the eye, chances are she is not interested in what you are saying, she is ashamed of something that was said or done, she is distracted or unwilling to communicate.
- If she physically distances herself from you during the conversation, she may be disinterested, frustrated, or emotionally withdrawn.
- A strong, aggressive tone could indicate that the conversation has degenerated - or is on the verge of escalating - and that tempers are heating up too much. He may also get the impression that you are not listening to it or do not understand it.
- Some gestures are marginal, so don't "accuse" your girlfriend of hiding her nervousness or closure. Try asking her lovingly, "I noticed that your body language indicates a certain nervousness, while your words say otherwise. Is there something troubling you?"
Part 2 of 3: Talk to Your Girlfriend
Step 1. Be open and honest
Honesty means not lying or deceiving your partner, which should be easy enough. However, by opening up to another person, you are forced to make yourself vulnerable in some respects - and not everyone is willing to do so. If by nature you are not inclined to be open and sincere, you need to commit to this with your partner, for the sake of your relationship.
- Open and honest communication is the foundation on which a solid relationship is built. If you are not loyal and sincere to each other, you will inevitably run into problems over time.
- Tell your girlfriend the truth without reservation. Don't hold back or repress your feelings, as she may be upset if she comes to discover reality.
- If you have a hard time opening up, let her know what the problem is and try to explain why. If he knows you are having difficulties, he can offer his support. At the same time, they may ask you questions that help you speak or ask you for clarification.
Step 2. Think before you speak
Many people are in such a hurry to put out everything they think and feel emotionally that they can't take a break and think about what they say. This can happen to you too, both when you express your thoughts in general and when you have to respond to your girlfriend.
- Think carefully about what you want to say before you speak.
- Be aware of your state of mind when talking to your girlfriend.
- Express yourself as clearly and directly as possible.
- If you have to answer your girlfriend, give her a second to make sure she's done talking. Then take a moment to process what he said and think about formulating your answer well.
Step 3. Communicate with respect
You should always be considerate of your girlfriend in any conversation. For many people it can be taken for granted, but it is important that both sides pay attention to words, tone, implications and body language, in order to always convey mutual respect.
- Take responsibility for your words and behavior during a conversation, even if it risks leading to an argument.
- Clearly express what you think and feel, but do it with respect.
- Recognize your girlfriend's mood. Try to understand why he has certain feelings and, at the very least, have respect for the way he feels.
- Get into proper posture. Don't bend your back, don't avoid eye contact, and don't do other things while listening to it. Stand in front of her and give her your full attention.
- Show respect in all responses you give. Don't interrupt her and never tell her she's wrong to make her react a certain way.
- If a misunderstanding arises between you, don't get angry and don't sulk. Instead, calmly ask her a few questions and ask her to clarify her ideas.
Step 4. Speak in first person
When tempers are exacerbated, especially during an argument or after you've been hurt, you could easily indulge in gratuitous accusations (like "You're a liar and you offended me"). However, psychologists agree that speaking in the first person is much more effective and causes less tension. A first-person speech allows you, in fact, to frame your hurt feelings in a way that really reflects what you are feeling, rather than as an absolute truth or an accusation against your partner. To formulate a sentence in this way, consider the following examples:
- A sentence to declare a certain mood: "I feel / I have the impression _".
- An honest and detached description of the behavior that triggered a certain mood in you: "I feel _ when I _."
- An explanation of why a certain behavior or situation triggered a certain type of reaction in you: "I feel _ when _, because _."
Step 5. Don't rush things
If you have been dating for a short time or are not comfortable sharing what you are feeling, it is preferable not to rush too much. You should still cultivate mutual communication every day, but also clarify the ways that allow you to express your respective thoughts and feelings, as well as the time it will take you to get to that point.
- Don't rush into deep, serious, or complex topics. Let them come naturally when both of you are ready to talk about it.
- Don't put pressure on your partner and don't let them do the same to you.
- Talk about issues that make you both comfortable and know that any effort to improve your communication will help strengthen your relationship as well.
Step 6. Use phrases that reveal your personality
They can be very useful in a romantic relationship, especially if the partners are not comfortable with sharing what they feel or are reluctant to talk about strictly personal matters. It is a way to gradually (but spontaneously) open up to your partner, assuming that the other person is also behaving the same way. To get started, keep in mind the following points:
- "I am a person who _".
- "One thing I'd like others to know about me is that _."
- "When I try to express my innermost thoughts, _".
Part 3 of 3: Developing Communication Skills Together
Step 1. Discover the various ways of communicating
There are different ways of communicating, none of which are right or wrong a priori. However, for some people, certain methods may be more productive than others, and perhaps you need to practice a little before you find a communication style that works for both of you.
- Try to express yourself. Let your partner know what your feelings are and also ask her how she feels.
- Try to express yourself more concretely. Some people feel more comfortable when highlighting facts rather than emotions. For example: "I feel like I'm not earning enough money from my job" instead of "I'm sad and worried about my financial situation."
- Be assertive. Assertiveness involves clear and direct communication of feelings, opinions and personal needs while respecting the partner's reasons.
- Avoid passive communication. This way of communicating involves an inability to assert one's personality or express one's thoughts, feelings and needs, and can be very damaging to the relationship.
- Check your emotions before dealing with sensitive topics. Take a few minutes to calm down before discussing something important so that emotions don't drive the conversation. However, become aware of your own and your girlfriend's state of mind.
Step 2. Give preference to light conversations
They are very useful in the couple relationship and help to fuel daily communication within the relationship. You can remember or laugh at the experiences you have had together, talk about what each of you have done during the day, ask what the weekend program is, or simply exchange interesting or funny thoughts.
- Light conversations about everyday life will allow you to get closer and get to know each other more intimately.
- Ask your girlfriend to be more explicit and give you more details.
- Make sure you convey genuine interest in what he or she is saying through your questions, avoiding being suspicious or distrustful.
Step 3. Find time to communicate
It happens that couple communication becomes difficult when the partners are full of commitments or have different hours. However, this is a problem that can be easily solved if you take the time to talk. Even if you have a very busy life, it is important that you allow yourself the time to communicate in an open and honest way as you find it to eat, sleep or move during the day.
- If having rather strict schedules allows both of you to maintain a certain regularity in daily life, try to schedule a few moments to be alone. Set aside some time, at least once a week, for the couple's communication to remain healthy and open.
- Limit interruptions when you speak. Turn off your TV or radio and put your cell phones aside or in silent mode to avoid being distracted.
- Talk while you are engaged in some daily activity, perhaps while you are in the car or doing some household chores.
- Be careful when your girlfriend is acting nervous or seems like she wants to talk about something. Ask her if there is something wrong or she would like to discuss.
- Make sure there is attention, trust, and intimacy on both sides in your conversations.
Step 4. Consider getting professional help
You may find that it is not easy to communicate with your partner or that life events have brought some tension into the relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, and that doesn't mean the relationship isn't working - it just means you'll probably have to put in a little more effort. Here's what a professional can help you with.
- A couple counselor can help you find ways to be more open and communicate better.
- You may also try to be more honest, show a stronger interest in what you do in your respective lives, and find more time to spend alone together.
- You can find a therapist in your city by looking for him in the phone book, using a search engine, or by consulting a directory of psychologists online, such as this website.
Advice
- Spend a few moments together, regardless of what's going on in your life.
- Talk when you are together. You start by chatting, which is very important, and finally come to share the most important developments affecting your respective lives.
Warnings
- Don't expect your girlfriend to feel as comfortable as you are in sharing what she thinks and feels. Everyone is different and every relationship is different, so be understanding and at the same time ask her to respect your feelings.
- If you notice that she is always annoyed, maybe she needs some space. Don't push her and respect her limits.
