If your friend is having a hard time, it's important to know how to be close to them without becoming an extra burden to them. Learn to help him by listening to him and keeping him engaged in activities that distract him so he can begin to overcome his problem, whatever it is.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Give Him a Hand
Step 1. Give it space
It is important to allow him to process the pain or grief at his own pace. Sometimes people just need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear them. Other times they feel they have to spend a lot of time alone reflecting and metabolizing: it depends on the problem that afflicts them. If your friend needs some alone time, don't rush him.
After some time, gently show up. Don't start with phrases like: "I'm so sorry for what happened, I just found out. Now I'm sorry, I really have to run away." Instead, it's best to simply say, "I'm so sorry. I'm close to you."
Step 2. Start with a small gesture
If talking to him is a business or if he proves uncommunicative, start with a small gesture to open a window and start communication. It doesn't have to be anything spectacular, just a sign of affection that can at least cheer him up a little.
- Before talking to him directly to investigate his problems, consider that a note, a bouquet of flowers or some other small gesture can do much more than words for a person who is suffering intensely. Even a case of beer or a music compilation can be a welcome thought in such a situation.
- To get started, you can also just offer him a drink, a handkerchief, or a comfortable sofa to sit on. If he is upset, move his hair away from his face.
Step 3. Take the first step
When a person is upset, they often don't even feel like asking for help, especially if they are in a serious bereavement. If he's going through a tough time, such as the end of a relationship or the loss of a loved one, just contacting friends can be a huge strain for him. Insist and try to find a creative way to be able to talk to him and make him express what he is feeling.
- If he doesn't answer the phone, try texting him. Responding quickly to a message is easier and you don't feel compelled to pretend, as is sometimes the case with telephone conversations.
- Even if your friend doesn't really have any major problems and is simply angry about a skinned knee or that his favorite team has lost, he may be tempted to withdraw into himself and ignore others. Again, show up.
Step 4. Just stay close to him
Sometimes with friends you just have to be close to them. Your mere presence and the simple act of sitting next to him are already a great help. Loneliness and suffering in silence can be the hardest thing to deal with. Let him know that you are available to talk about it if he wants, but above all let him understand that if he needs you, you are there.
Physical contact and displays of affection are sometimes more effective than a long chat. Hug him or pat him warmly on the back. Hold his hand: it is a gesture of great comfort
Part 2 of 3: Listen Carefully
Step 1. Encourage him to speak
Ask him a few questions, always gently, to get him to open up and talk about what's wrong. If you already have some ideas, you can be more specific, but if not, just say, "Do you want to talk?" or "What happens?".
- Don't rush him. To get someone to talk, it is sometimes enough to be close to them in silence. If your friend just doesn't feel like it, don't force him to talk.
- Try again after a few days. Plan to have lunch with him and ask him: "How are you doing?". Maybe, in the meantime, he's become more willing to open up to you.
Step 2. Just listen
If he decides to open up, listen to him silently and focus on his words. Do not say anything. Don't interrupt him to say you understand him and don't tell him your story to show him that you know what he's going through. Just stand by him in silence, look him in the eye and let him talk. In moments of despair, this is what is most needed.
- Look him in the eye. Look at it with understanding and participation. Put your cell phone away, turn off the TV, focus on him and ignore everything else. Just listen to him.
- Every now and then nod to let him know you are listening and use your body language to be a good listener. Sighs when she talks about sad things, smile when she recalls funny episodes. Just listen.
Step 3. Summarize and confirm what he says
If your friend slows down, one way to continue the conversation is to summarize what they just said and repeat it in your own words. For many people, hearing your own words is an important aspect of the healing process. If she is facing the end of a relationship and talks about all the mistakes made by the ex partner, you can say, "Of course your ex didn't really make a great effort to be around you." Clarify their doubts to make it easier for them to mourn.
You can implement this strategy even if you are not sure what it means: "Let's see if I understand correctly: are you angry with your sister because she took your astronomy books without asking you?"
Step 4. Don't try to fix the problem
A lot of people, especially men, make the mistake of thinking that talking about a problem is trying to solve it. Do not propose a solution, unless you specifically ask, for example by saying: "What do you think I should do?". There is never a quick and painless solution to suffering: don't worry about finding an easy way out. Just listen to him and be close to him.
- This is especially true if your friend is paying for previous mistakes. There is probably no need to point out that it is useless for him to grieve for not passing an exam, if instead of studying he has spent all his time on video games.
- Before giving advice, stop. Instead, ask, "Do you need advice or do you just want to let off steam?" Respect his answer.
Step 5. Talk about something else
After a while, it's time to change the subject gently, especially if you notice that your friend has run out of strength and is starting to repeat the same concepts. Encourage him to look on the bright side, or start talking about other projects that may distract him and help him move beyond the problem.
- Tell him what your upcoming or future projects are. Make an attempt to talk about a different topic. If you are out of school and he is telling you a story of his that has just finished, you can say: "Would you like to eat something? If you want, I will gladly keep you company."
- It is possible that your friend will eventually run out of things to say. Don't let him spin around the same topics if it doesn't seem productive to you. Instead, encourage him to talk about something else and turn his energies elsewhere.
Part 3 of 3: Keep it busy
Step 1. Try to distract him by doing other things
Commit yourself to something, so that your friend will stop reliving the event that upset him over and over again. It doesn't matter what: just keep busy with any activity.
- If you are sitting somewhere, get up and go for a walk. Take a stroll around the shops, if only to window shop, or stroll around the neighborhood just to get a change of scenery.
- It's about unplugging and "letting go" a little, but without exaggerating. Suffering is no excuse for abusing drugs, alcohol or tobacco. Try to become the voice of common sense if you really want to help him.
Step 2. Do something that involves physical activity
Movement and sport release endorphins that help calm down and ward off negative thoughts. If you can get him to do something physical, it's ideal for getting his mind back on track in the healthiest way with positive emotions.
- Do some meditative exercise together, such as light stretching or yoga.
- To help him distract himself while having some fun, play a game in the yard, go biking or go for a walk.
- If he is deeply angry or frustrated, do something very physically demanding - it can be of great help. Go to the gym for two boxing shots or weight lifting.
Step 3. Do something light and fun
If your friend keeps mulling it over, you go in the opposite direction. Go to the shops and window shop, or go to the pool and eat a popsicle. Pull out all your favorite Disney movies, make a stash of popcorn, and organize a movie marathon, talking about the things you like the most. Get your friend to do something light and fun to keep them from ruminating on sad things.
Step 4. Go get something to eat
Offer him a special snack or dinner. Go for an ice cream or treat yourself to a bite at your favorite restaurant. Sometimes the pain leads to loss of appetite and missing meals, which lowers blood sugar and further worsens the situation. Give your friend a tasty snack and you will see that he will start to feel better.
Sometimes, bringing something good to someone who is having a bad time can do them good. Make a good soup and bring it to him. At least it will be one less thing to worry about
Step 5. Encourage him to cancel less urgent commitments
If you are in a distressing situation, it can be counterproductive to insist on going to present that report at work or take a particularly challenging course. Encourage him to take a day off or skip classes for once if necessary - this will help him regain some clarity.
