It can be difficult to see a friend facing a critical moment. His discomfort could be due, for example, to the disappearance of a family member or loved one, from an illness, a romantic breakup or even a failure from school. While you may not always be able to cheer him up, there is something you can do to let him know that you are there, ready to distract him from his pain.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Stay close to him
Step 1. Listen to it
Listening is one of the most important things you can do for a friend who is in pain. By actively listening, you will show that you care about him and take him into consideration. Often, the attention paid when listening to a person is more precious than any other gesture.
- When listening, try not to get distracted. That is, you shouldn't check your phone or talk to other people.
- Try to make eye contact with him while he's talking. You don't have to stare at him, but just looking him in the eye will show him that you're paying attention and engaging in the conversation. It's also a great way to not get distracted.
- Let him know that he can reach out to you and call you at any time of the day or night. The support between friends is mutual: sometimes they lean on you, other times you rely on them. Being a friend means offering your availability, even in the most difficult circumstances.
Step 2. Ask him open-ended questions
Instead of being rushed and getting carried away by your feelings, perceptions and experiences, ask him about what happened. For example, if he starts talking about breaking up with his girlfriend, ask him how he feels and what you could do for him.
Instead of asking him "Are you sad?", Try other questions: "How are you feeling?" and "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
Step 3. Spend time with him
When sadness takes over, there is no other desire than to be holed up on your own. However, life is more fulfilling when social needs are met. Excessive isolation can lead to a physical and emotional breakdown. Think of all the pleasant experiences you can have together. By assuring him of your presence and offering him something fun, you will cheer him up.
Visit him and invite him to go out, watch a movie or eat together. Whatever way you intend to spend your time with him, he will inevitably produce many benefits
Step 4. Offer him physical comfort
Physical contact is a language in itself that can be used to communicate presence and a sense of protection to people. However, since not everyone might like this, before you demonstrate your expansiveness, it would be a good idea to make sure your friend doesn't feel uncomfortable.
- A hug can be really important and can heal many wounds. If your friend is upset, especially if he is going through an emotionally difficult time, hugging him or even just placing a hand on his arm or leg, you can let him know how close you are to him and that he can feel safe with you.
- If physical contact makes him difficult, take your dog with you or encourage him to pet his cat. It can be of enormous comfort to interact with animals. In fact, many people calm down by petting a dog or cat.
Step 5. Learn to use your empathic skills, without pitying
Compatibility means feeling sorry for someone, rather than understanding their suffering by putting yourself in their shoes. Therefore, you should try to feel what the other person is feeling and let them know that you participate in their pain.
For example, suppose your friend Maria recently lost her husband. Pitying her, you'd be inclined to say to her: "Maria, you can't imagine how sorry I am that you lost your husband." If, on the other hand, you try to understand her situation by exploiting your empathic abilities, you can say to her: "Maria, I can perfectly imagine the pain you feel for the disappearance of your husband. I know how much you loved him."
Step 6. Make his life easier
When a friend is dealing with something that hurts him deeply, even the simplest of matters can seem complicated. Let him know that you are there to help him and really take care of something to make his life easier.
- You can offer to cook something or help him clean the house. Household chores usually take a back seat, especially when a person is distressed and upset.
- You can offer to do the shopping or accompany him on a doctor's appointment.
- Think of the most useful way to help him and brighten his days.
- Always ask how you can help him out instead of assuming that something makes him happy. Don't guess when you are with him to offer your help.
Step 7. Give him a gift
Who is not happy even a little when receiving a gift? This gesture can help your friend remember that there is someone who loves him. You may not have the ability to constantly assure him of your presence, but you can make sure that he does not feel abandoned to his pain.
- Make his favorite cookies and send them to him with a card showing your affection.
- Choose something that makes you think of him and give it to him with a dedication.
- Send him something to make him laugh: a funny note, a funny story about something you saw together, some old photos of you in a funny moment. Play down and think of something that can give him a smile.
Part 2 of 4: Distract him
Step 1. Go for a walk
Sometimes a change of scenery can help distract a friend from what's troubling him. Take a tour around the city and keep your eyes peeled for a place that has a beautiful, unusual or fun view.
Be there. Instead of discussing the problem that ails him, look at the colors of the sky or talk about some strange smell you might smell. Watch the animals and get involved with the surrounding environment
Step 2. Plan an evening in front of the TV
Watching a movie or TV show can be a great way to help your friend distract himself from his problems, even for just a few hours.
Avoid movies that might upset him. For example, if you recently lost your father to cancer, avoid stories where a parent dies or one of the characters has cancer. Likewise, if you have recently left, romantic movies may not be so suitable in these cases. Go for a light and pleasant genre
Step 3. Behave like a fool
A great way to distract him from the pain and encourage him to smile and cheer up is to do some nonsense. After all, as the saying goes, "laughter is the best medicine", it is good for health and improves the functionality of the body.
- Take a dip in the past, perhaps returning children. Make snowmen or build a fort with blankets, talk to each other in bizarre voices, or jump or limp instead of walking.
- Indulge in some ridiculous art form, such as drawing funny self-portraits or writing silly poems.
Step 4. Do something new together
A new and unusual activity is a great distraction and can be fun. In fact, it will force your friend to think about other things, instead of staying focused on what is bothering him.
- Try a new class at the gym, do some manual work together, grow plants or paint.
- Don't force a novelty on him without consulting him first. He may feel overwhelmed and annoyed, which is exactly the opposite of what you should be doing.
Step 5. Help someone else together
Helping others reduces stress, makes you more understanding and even stronger. When someone goes through a difficult time, they need all of these things.
- Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way to help the community, bring joy to someone's life, and participate in something important. Therefore, you can volunteer at a canteen or animal shelter, hold reading sessions for children, or lend your time in a retirement home.
- Cheer up another friend. By working with you to help a third person overcome his or her problems, your friend will be able to savor the feeling of happiness, because in this way he will be induced to distract himself from the difficulties present in his life.
- Do something nice for someone else. You could cook for a mutual friend or write them an encouragement note together.
Step 6. Plan a trip
Sometimes a great way to distract a friend from his sadness is to carry him around. A trip could show him new places and landscapes, preventing him from spending time mulling over his unhappiness.
- You can choose a long vacation: a tour around Europe, a hike in the Alps or the Camino de Santiago de Compostela.
- You can also opt for something shorter: a weekend at a nearby seaside resort, a couple of days in the mountains by backpacking camping or moving to another city not too far away to hear a band you both adore.
Part 3 of 4: Avoiding the Most Common Mistakes
Step 1. Allow him to express his sadness
Avoid telling him "Keep up your spirits!": It is one of the worst things you can say to a person who is sick, especially if he suffers from depression or anxiety. It is as if you are forcing him not to be sad. By saying "get up", you will communicate that you are focused more on yourself than on the other person. You will signal that your sense of unease about his unhappiness is more important than his own unhappiness - it is something a friend should never do. Therefore, it is essential to experience emotions, even when they are not pleasant.
Don't tell anyone how they should feel. Everyone has the right to feel and express what they feel
Step 2. Try not to avoid it
Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to say to a friend who is in pain. However, don't avoid him as you have a hard time talking about his problem. Instead, think of something that can support and encourage him. Often there is no need to say anything other than, "I'm so sorry. I'm at your disposal if you need anything."
Step 3. Keep your attention on him
Don't use his pain to talk about you. It is a mistake that many people make! Surely you will think you can understand your friend and his problems, but instead you run the risk of making everything revolve around you.
- Be sympathetic to him, but try not to overwhelm him with stories about how you managed to deal with similar problems and how good you are now.
- For example, don't tell him: "I know how it feels to be left. Think about when Paola left me in front of everyone. I suffered for a long time, but then I managed to get through that period. Lately I feel much better and I don't even think about it anymore. to that break ".
- Instead, try to speak like this: "I know it hurts a lot now. I can assure you that you will be better in some time, even though I know you are in deep pain now. If you need anything, I am at your disposal."
Step 4. Avoid offering solutions unless explicitly asked
People often don't want solutions, especially when they let off steam. What they want is to feel heard and to let their confidant know what they are going through.
- For example, avoid saying, "I know your cat is dead. Maybe you just need to go to the shelter and get a new one. There are a lot of cats that need a home." In practice, by doing so, you give the impression that you are belittling what your friend is feeling following the loss of his cat.
- Instead, you might say, "I am very sorry for your cat. I know how much you loved him. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you."
Part 4 of 4: Knowing Your Limits
Step 1. Don't neglect yourself
If you are disheartened by your friend's problems and how he is feeling, maybe you should take a break. It can be exhausting to continually comfort someone. Make sure you're not his only foothold. There is a difference between being helpful and being a caregiver. Learn to tell the difference and be prepared to set boundaries.
- If your friend always calls you and begs you to please him, don't always comply, but rightly point out that you also have other responsibilities. Tell him: "I know that you are sick and that you would like a friend next to you. I care about you and I want to help you, but I also need to respect my times, and tonight is not a good time for me. Let's meet this weekend …".
- Don't let your life slip into your hands. Keep dating other people, go to the gym, and don't neglect other activities. Don't let your friend influence your every moment.
Step 2. Know when to encourage him to seek professional help
Sometimes it is not possible to manage one's feelings and various situations alone. In these cases, as a friend, you should advise him to consult a professional. There is nothing wrong with needing a little help, especially when a marriage fails, a loved one goes missing, or an illness sets in.
- Look out for depressive symptoms: difficulty concentrating or remembering details, difficulty making decisions, low energy, insomnia or excessive sleep, sad, anxious or empty thoughts, physical pain and problems that do not go away despite treatment, thoughts or related talk to suicide, a sense of worthlessness or helplessness.
- When you invite him to seek professional help, don't tell him he is sick and should go to therapy, but rather, "I know you are in a lot of pain and I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone who can seriously help you. Remember that you don't. I will abandon you ".
Step 3. Call outside help if your friend is in danger
If you live in a context of violence or abuse, or if you are threatening to commit suicide, the best thing you can do is call the emergency services. Since this is a situation you may not be able to handle, it is best to turn to experienced people. If there is a true bond of friendship between you, you must give priority to his personal safety. Try to save him and make sure his life is not in danger.
- If you suspect your friend is being abused, you can call the public utility number 1522.
- If you think your friend wants to commit suicide, you can call the Suicide Risk Prevention Helpline which answers the call center 331.87.68.950 or Telephone Yellow at 800.809.999.
