What to do if you find that your friend has been talking badly about you behind your back? Once the initial shock and the sense of betrayal have been overcome, we need to understand whether it is worth saving the friendship or not. That's how.
Steps
Step 1. Ask your friend if you can talk
Tell him you've heard some negative gossip about you, apparently being spread by him, and that you want to clear things up quickly.
Step 2. Make your position clear
If the things you heard only he knew, tell him, but gently and tactfully.
Step 3. Talk calmly
Shouting and being carried away by emotions does not help the situation.
Step 4. Listen to his side of the story before coming to any conclusions
Use open-ended questions to encourage discussion. Listen to it carefully and without prejudice.
- Ask him how he feels about his action.
- Don't interrupt it. You may be tempted to correct what he says, but listen for now.
- Tell him about it when you are alone. You can't have a serious conversation with other people.
- If he doesn't respond or evades the problem, insist, but not too much. It is important to avoid arguing or accusing him, otherwise your friend will get defensive. Getting caught after stabbing a friend in the back is embarrassing and can tear confidence. Your friend is fragile and ashamed of it, so if he continues to ignore you, don't insist for now. Tell him you'll talk about it again after he thinks about it.
Step 5. Next, tell your side of the story
Speak calmly and use the right words to express your feelings. Avoid accusing. Simply explain how their actions made you feel. Try to be kind, without looking desperate or angry. Stick to the known facts and introduce everything by saying "I don't know if this is true, but X said that …" to show that you are not assuming anything and that you are not aware of the whole story.
Don't name the person who told you, unless he mentions it
Step 6. Remember that the person who told you this may just want to create friction between you and your friend
Keep an open mind before accusing him or believing any rumors. Consider what you know about the people who have fueled the gossip to see if they have a plan. Also think about why you think your friend did such a thing to you; perhaps he let it slip away, perhaps the other person elaborated his words wrongly, perhaps he did not know the true intentions of his interlocutor. While his reasons do not excuse his behavior, which he can very well control, they are important aspects to consider when evaluating the situation.
Step 7. Ask your friend if you have done something to deserve it
You need to know if you have unwittingly contributed to this situation. Maybe you hurt him and he "avenged" for what you said or did. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. At this point, it's important to put yourself in his shoes.
- If you've done something to him, apologize for your reaction or action. Tell him “I'm sorry I hurt you. Let's leave all this behind and go back to being friends”.
- Make sure this is true - your friend should have really felt hurt, don't pretend to have an excuse. For example, a friend who tells you she talked badly about you because you owed him money and was afraid of not being able to pay the rent is exaggerating, while a friend who stabbed you in the back because you stole her boyfriend probably. she felt genuinely hurt. However, it all depends on the context.
Step 8. Tell your friend that you consider friendship stronger than gossip and that you are absolutely willing to work to regain trust and move on
- Ask him what he needs you to do for him.
- Tell him what you want him to do for you. Speak from your point of view: "I feel _ when you _ and I need you to _."
- Go to meet: this is where the solution begins and where you begin to understand each other. After saying what you need, find a compromise to resolve everything. Do your best to negotiate. Be prepared to surrender some of your needs so that you are both happy.
- Tell him how you feel about this decision and ask him if he is happy with it.
- Be flexible. Maybe you need to accept that your friend made a mistake but learned a solid lesson and won't repeat it. Stay objective to understand the situation and turn the page.
Step 9. Build trust little by little
Don't let these wounds last forever and block your relationship, driving away openness and honesty. Life leads us to face moments during which our trust is broken. The way we respond says a lot about our character and that of the other person. The more resilient we are, the more willing we will be to give her a second chance, as long as we care about her. But really give her another chance, don't blame her for past wounds.
- Be willing to forgive. Forget the anger and focus on the good things.
- Discuss any future disagreements or obstacles to prevent quarrels. Opening should be the key.
Step 10. Decide what to do if your friend is not going to argue or if you believe the friendship is unrecoverable due to broken trust or irreparable differences
Maybe this isn't the first time this has happened or maybe your friend took advantage of this opportunity to end the relationship. In these cases, protect yourself to minimize damage.
- Explain how you feel and why you no longer want to be his friend, always speaking from your point of view.
- Understand that although his behavior was dishonest, you cannot forgive him "halfway" by telling him that everything is okay and blaming him for his mistake every time.
- Talk about the situation with someone you trust, such as a parent, partner, other friend, or counselor. Choose a neutral individual who can reassure you of your decision. It is important to have support at this time.
- Avoid seeking revenge. It will consume you and bring you down to the same level as this person. Forgive, learn and turn the page.
Advice
- Be honest. Do not add anything to what you have heard or said to you.
- Avoid asking him questions via email or text message. This matter must be addressed personally. Plus, it's harder to ignore or make things up when talking face-to-face.
- Wait up. Time solves many things and heals wounds.
- Be gentle. Until proven otherwise, this person is your friend.
- Try to sound understanding when you speak.
- Don't be aggressive or take this opportunity to blame your friend in past things you never told him about. If you don't get along with him or accept him, maybe it's best to end the relationship.
Warnings
- Don't talk about this situation in front of other friends.
- Some friendships end at some point, for various reasons. A cowardly way out is to speak ill of the one who once considered himself a good friend. A person who does such a thing is to be pitied, it is not even worth getting angry.
- If you go back to being friends, don't talk about it anymore.
