Sometimes, despite close relationships, certain friends can hurt us. Usually these are not deliberate gestures (although they can be), but the fact that they come from people we trust complicates the situation. However, by learning to control your reactions and communicating with those who have hurt you, you can recover your friendship and move on, whatever happened.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Controlling Your Reactions
Step 1. Don't lose your cool
You probably won't be able to contain yourself emotionally, but you can manage your reactions. By controlling your words and behavior in moments of tension, you will prevent an accident from turning into a violent fight.
- Recognize your anger. You have to understand what you are feeling to be able to overcome it.
- When you talk or act out of anger, you risk saying or doing something equally offensive to your friend. By becoming aware of your thoughts and your state of mind, you will be able to avoid a heated discussion.
Step 2. Step away from the situation
If you have a chance to step back, even momentarily, it will be better. A walk can clear your head and give you time to let off some steam. You can also give your friend time to calm down and reflect on how he has hurt you.
- If you talk or act while letting yourself be carried away by the heat of the moment, you also risk using counterproductive arguments. Remember that you can't erase what you say in a moment of anger, but you have the option not to speak without thinking.
- Tell your friend that you need to take a walk to calm down, but that you will be back. If not, he may think that you are leaving abruptly and that you no longer intend to have anything to do with him.
- Pay attention to the road you take. For example, don't walk near the freeway or anywhere you don't see a sidewalk or pedestrian path.
Step 3. Try to relax
Whether it's taking a stroll or walking away for a few minutes, you should use this moment to calm down. Resist the temptation to mull over the hurt you have received and, instead, focus on the fastest and most profitable way to let off some steam.
- Breath deeply. Take deep breaths using the diaphragm (the muscle under the rib cage) in place of the chest to slow your breathing and stop wheezing.
- Think of something relaxing or fun to get rid of the frustration.
- To get rid of anger and resentment, repeat some phrases that allow you to calm down, such as: "Breathing in, I will find calm" or "In six months I will have forgotten everything."
Part 2 of 3: Reacting to Your Friend's Behavior
Step 1. Address the situation directly
Once you have calmed down and are able to speak without fidgeting, go back to your friend to discuss what happened without being hostile or ill-disposed towards him. Just invite him to sit with you and talk directly about what happened.
- When you resume the conversation, make sure you are calm enough to discuss what happened.
- Explain that his words have offended you.
- Do not make categorical and absolute speeches, but try to speak in the first person, saying for example: "I felt insulted by your words" or "I felt disrespect when you expressed yourself in that way".
Step 2. Learn to recognize offensive behavior patterns
You may never have noticed any aggressive or impertinent behavior on his part in the past. It may also be that your friend never realized this or never realized they could hurt you. There are many bad behaviors, but there are six main categories that group the most common ones and that you should learn to recognize:
- Negative generalizations about character, used to describe or define someone as an unpleasant or unpleasant person;
- Threats of abandonment, containing offensive and blackmailing phrases that imply disinterest or abandonment in order to make a person feel useless;
- Denial and rejection of the thoughts, feelings or beliefs of others;
- Threats of expulsion, which herald the exclusion of another person from one's life (similar to threats of abandonment, but even more violent and offensive);
- Biting challenges, which question the ability of others to think, understand or behave in a certain way (using excessive and insistent sarcasm);
- Sermons in which he exploits an undisputed and absolute principle to prove a fact and belittle a person.
Step 3. Discuss his behavior
When your friend hurts you multiple times with rude and unpleasant gestures or words, the result doesn't change: embarrassment, resentment and alienation. If you notice bad behavior in him, the first time it happens (or you notice it) tell him that you don't think it is acceptable.
- Evaluate the circumstances. If there is a risk of him becoming violent or if other people can join him against you, avoid confrontation.
- Understand that when misbehavior isn't episodic but recurs over time, it could undermine the relationship. The more times it comes back, the more resentful you will be towards the other person.
- Ask your friend how he would feel if someone he cares about (for example, his parents or someone he respects) saw him act this way. Would he be embarrassed?
- Point out other incidents in which he has behaved badly, preferably when he is calm. Explain to him that he is engaging in the wrong course and that he must change if he is to keep your friendship.
- If it happens again, remind him of your talks. Tell him that you will not passively overlook his behavior and that, as a friend, you feel a duty to encourage him to solve this problem.
Step 4. Let your friend answer
It is important to dialogue in conflict situations. You can't just tell him how rude he was, preventing him from speaking without any right of reply.
- Give him a chance to explain and be open to what he has to say.
- He will likely tell you that he is having a hard time and that he had no intention of hurting you. It may also be that you misunderstood his words and that he absolutely did not believe that you would misunderstand them.
- Give him time to reflect on what you said and respond. Trust him if he tells you he will change his behavior.
Step 5. Be understanding
When you point out how he has behaved, try to be understanding. After all, he is always your friend and most likely a long and intense bond joins you.
- Give him the benefit of the doubt and try not to hold a grudge against him.
- Don't ignore offensive gestures or comments, but deal with them calmly and understanding.
- Remember that people can cause pain because they too are hurt or scared. If you take this into account, you will be able to put yourself in the shoes of the one who hurt you.
Step 6. Decide if the friendship can be saved
If someone hurts you, you will surely be tempted to shut them out of your life. However, consider that it would be a disproportionate reaction to what happened. Only you can determine if you are able to put a stone on it, but keep in mind that, with the passage of time and a little patience, most people can forgive.
- Unless your friend has committed something serious or dangerous (such as physical or psychological violence), consider reconciling with him.
- Recognize the symptoms of psychological violence. If someone tends to insult you, yell at you, torment you, belittle you, threaten you or control you, it is psychological violence. You are not forced to endure this abuse from anyone, especially from a friend or your partner.
- If he is violent or threatening you, get away from him, as he could be dangerous.
- If you are convinced that he is unable to correct his behavior and that he will continue to hurt you, regardless of your feelings, you should understand if you need to end your friendship.
- Don't take this decision lightly. If you are thinking of ending the relationship with him, remember how you acted so as not to get carried away by the heat of the moment: even in this case, you should give yourself a few days to reflect before talking to him.
- By avoiding him for a few days, you will understand if you care about his friendship and if you intend to forgive him. Allow some time to pass, and before dealing with the person who hurt you, tell the whole story to someone you trust.
Part 3 of 3: Move on
Step 1. Reflect on the situation
Once you have calmed down and cleared up with your friend, try to reflect on everything that has happened. You don't have to mull over your pain or obsessively think about the situation that has arisen. Rather, think about the whole story for a moment to try to understand the situation better.
- Analyze the facts objectively. Don't take into consideration what you are feeling, but focus on what was actually said or done and the intentions that may have prompted him to act in a certain way.
- Think about your reactions. Did you know how to manage? Were you able to control yourself emotionally, preventing the situation from escalating?
- Think about the possible consequences of this quarrel in your life. Have your self-esteem and well-being been compromised?
Step 2. Make the decision to move on
The first step in being able to heal a wound is to consciously decide to move forward. You have the choice of harboring a grudge or leaving everything behind and moving on with your life. It does not mean that the pain will go away, but you will simply have to acknowledge that you have been hurt and choose not to live in the past.
- Once you consciously stop thinking about what happened and how much you suffered, you can begin to recover from this painful experience.
- If you decide to move on, you will have a feeling of greater control over your life. You will learn to understand what can affect it.
Step 3. Stop seeing yourself as a victim
It is not very easy, because the pain will remain even when the anger and resentment have disappeared. If a friend hurts you, it is normal for you to see yourself as a victim. However, this way of thinking preserves the power that the person or situation has over your life.
- Victimization will not help you get out of these boundaries. Your friend (or former friend, as the case may be) will remain a dominant presence in your mind and in your existence.
- When you have learned not to limit the vision of your life in relation to this affair anymore, you will begin to feel better. Of course it will take time, but it will be worth it.
Step 4. Forgive and move on
It is not easy to forgive, especially if you have been deeply hurt. However, it is important to overcome painful experiences. In the end, you will find your serenity.
- Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, but to stop holding on to anger and resentment.
- Forgiveness is the next step after choosing to move on and overcome victimhood. Without forgiveness, it is not possible to leave behind all the pain received.
- In order to forgive those who hurt you, you must forgive yourself too, especially if you have hurt the other person or said something out of anger.
- Once you have managed to forgive all the protagonists of this story, you will be free to move on. Whether the friendship continues or not, over time you will completely overcome this painful experience.
Advice
- Try to laugh when you get a minor insult. If this happens again, arm yourself with calm and firmness and tell your friend how this is hurting you.
- Remember, if you are friends, there is a reason. Don't let an isolated incident ruin your relationship.
- Be honest with yourself: if this person isn't a true friend, forget it.
Warnings
- Don't tolerate violence. Whether it's physical or psychological, you shouldn't let your friend continue to hurt you. In this case, terminate your relationship to safeguard your safety.
- Do not speak and do not act in anger.
- Never resort to violence. Don't even respond in an angry tone. Calm down and speak up, encouraging dialogue.
