Do people often consider you to be bossy? Nobody wants to work or study with you because you tend to subdue others? If you want to stop bullying you have to learn to trust people and you have to stop trying to have everything under control. Skip to Step 1 if you want to know how to learn to work with others in a productive and mutually supportive atmosphere.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Working Better with Others
Step 1. Be patient
It can be difficult to step aside after having had a leadership role for so long, and it is even more so when you see someone getting confused by trifles that you could have easily dealt with quickly, but what reason is there to run? If things don't go your way it's not the end of the world! Take it easy. Take a deep breath. Wait up. You will find that with a little patience you can do everything without getting nervous.
- If they notice that you are impatient, they could also start doing things in a hurry, with the risk of making mistakes and not being able to complete the job in any case as you had imagined it.
- Assign practical deadlines to manage, rather than asking people to complete their work in very short periods.
Step 2. Stop being a perfectionist
Sometimes a person is bullying just because he wants things to be done right, and there's nothing wrong with trying to do a good job, right? The truth is, there are many ways to get a good result, so even if you think your way to get from A to B is the most efficient, it doesn't mean it's also the "best". The moment you decide that you have to adopt your way of doing things you are blocking creativity and ruining everyone's morale. These factors can be limiting in the long run, and do not promise any good results.
Tell yourself that being a perfectionist is a symptom of imperfection, if you just can't limit yourself. You better expect the best result, because if you insist on expecting only the results you have carefully planned, you will always be disappointed
Step 3. Stop controlling the work of others in a meticulous way
You will never be able to work with other people like this, and you will waste a lot of time. Try to focus on the positive abilities of the people around you. Compliment him, many compliments. Stop seeing them as tools, as means to an end or as machines. People have to learn from their mistakes and experiences to be able to think for themselves. Trust them and allow them a flexible margin for error. Let them know that you are there to help them, but do not take your breath away and do not impose yourself on their duties.
If you find that a person is giving their best and you are impressed with their commitment, then you should compliment them on their work. You will be able to build a strong relationship with your underlings if you let them know that you don't just point out their mistakes, it will help you to be less bullying
Step 4. Improve your communication skills
Many times it doesn't matter what you say, but how you say it. The tone of voice you use can be intimidating and make people feel worthless, or it can instill confidence and invite them to achieve a goal together. When you ask a person to perform a task or offer an opinion, it is important to pay attention to some aspects of communication, such as the length of the speeches, the vocabulary and the examples you use. The more fluid and dynamic the conversation, the easier it will be to achieve your goals without constantly having to supervise others.
- You probably think that the most effective way to get yourself heard is to be harsh and intimidating, but the truth is that this behavior is daunting and decreases the chances of achieving goals. If you can establish a good relationship with them, instead of being feared, you will get great results.
- Let's take an example. If you learn to balance positive and negative comments, you will be able to communicate the need to make changes without demoralizing anyone.
Step 5. Although it takes much longer than the democratic method (majority wins), the consensus-seeking process allows everyone to reach common ground
You can facilitate this process by making sure that the opinion of all the people involved is heard and that decisions are made by mutual agreement. They will likely start to feel in a positive, supportive environment if you avoid imposing your way of doing things on others.
- You may think that dictating the law is the best way to do things, but the truth is that it makes people unhappy in the workplace.
- Moreover, if you listen to the opinions of others you can learn new approaches to be able to perform any task. You will never learn anything new if you just rely on your method.
Step 6. Ask people to make honest comments
Not because it's a good idea or because you want to make a good impression. Explain to people that you know you were a little bully in the past, but that now you are going to change. Ask him to warn you if you show too much authoritarianism, either in private or by email. Be humble and ask them for a hand. This will show that you have stopped focusing on your methods and that you intend to grow.
Get in the habit of doing anonymous surveys about your performance, whether you are a supervisor or a boss. If a lot of people complain about the same problem, you will have to work hard to solve it
Part 2 of 3: Changing Mindsets
Step 1. Learn to admit your mistakes
Most bullying attitudes occur when we think we are right about everything. If for a moment you let go of this pretentious thinking and admit that you are as fallible as everyone else, you will learn to work with your colleagues and you will notice that they too have experience and knowledge to offer you. The next time you make a mistake, swallow your pride and admit it, whether you are in your circle of friends or at work. Say that you did what you thought was right and that things did not go as you hoped, instead of pretending that it was all someone else's fault.
- When you can admit your mistakes, people will start to respect you more, they will feel they can offer you suggestions and help in the future.
- If you've ever made a mistake, think about how you could have avoided it. Would things have been better if I had heard someone else's opinion? If a person had a good idea about it, go to him and tell him you should have listened to him. It won't be easy, but it will help you avoid the same mistake in the future.
Step 2. Accept things as they are
The hardest thing for a bully person to accept is that some things cannot be changed. Including colleagues, the weather, friends, and anything that can't be kept under control. The sooner you learn to accept it, the sooner you will stop being bossy and you will be able to develop a calmer and more relaxed mindset.
Sure, it's admirable to want to change something that doesn't work in your environment, but it's not always possible. Learn to consider them as things of little importance, rather than wasting time and energy trying to control them
Step 3. Giving up control can be as satisfying as taking it
You probably perceive it as a weakness or think you are giving up your perfect view of things. In reality, giving up control can be a very rewarding experience. Not only will you improve your relationships with others by offering them responsibilities, but you will also be able to relieve stress. Plus, you'll have more time to do what you like best (except bullying other people). At first it may seem unpleasant, but the more you do it, the better you will feel.
Start small to get used to. You don't have to give up all responsibility for the most important project or stop making decisions. At first try to share some responsibility, you can let a colleague check a relationship or let a friend decide where to eat. You will find that it gets easier over time
Step 4. You cannot change others
Bullying people often want people around them to behave differently. They would like more close friends, more zealous or more efficient colleagues, and they try everything to make people change in this sense. There are many situations in which a change can be positive, especially if you have a messy roommate or a late colleague. These issues are worth addressing, but don't expect people to change completely or you will be disappointed.
For example, if you have a scruffy roommate, you can ask him to wash his share of dishes, take out the trash more often, and clean his spaces. You can tell them hoping you don't have to repeat it again, but don't expect that person to always keep everything neat and clean
Step 5. Improve your self-esteem
Many people behave bully because they lack self-esteem. You probably think people only listen to you when you act rude and bully, telling them what to do hundreds of times. Instead, you have to recognize that you are a person worth listening to, that you don't have to pressure others to get something. Commit to doing what you love, trying to deal with problems that can be solved.
Many think that bullying people have very large egos, which is why they bark orders. The truth is that most of them do it because they have low self-esteem and think it's the only way to be heard
Part 3 of 3: Giving Up Control
Step 1. Be more flexible
Bossy people are often inflexible, they leave no room for any new ideas and hate the idea of "plan B". If you want to lose this bad habit, you will need to learn to be more flexible instead of expecting everything to go a certain way. Let's take some examples. You've been waiting for a dinner with friends for some time to eat Mexican food, but they take you to a Japanese restaurant. Your colleagues ask you for an extra day to submit the report due to some changes that occurred at the last minute. Try to understand that it is not the end of the world if things do not go as planned, and that there is still a chance that they will work.
To learn to be flexible you have to start by stopping programming. You won't be able to make changes if you plan your days down to the minute
Step 2. Learn to manage anxiety
Many people behave in a bullying manner because they cannot accept that something is not going exactly as planned. They get anxious if someone is five minutes late or if a project is not reported perfectly or if someone decides to go to a place they have never visited before. If your behavior is the result of fear of change, you will need to start putting your anxiety aside.
- Can't sleep because you're too worried? Can't focus on your job because you are obsessed that it could all go wrong? If you are experiencing severe anxiety attacks, you should seek advice from a mental health specialist.
- If the anxiety is not severe, you can take measures to reduce it by yourself, for example with yoga or meditation. You can also try cutting down on caffeine and increasing your sleep time.
- Of course, there are people who are more anxious than others. You will slowly be able to find a way to counter your anxious behaviors as you learn to control them. For example, if you are anxious about arriving late for work and getting stuck in traffic, you can try to leave the house 15 minutes earlier, and see how it feels.
Step 3. Let others make decisions
It is the thing that scares the most authoritarian people, but when you try it you will realize that there is nothing to fear. Start with something small. When you are with friends, let them decide which movie to see or which restaurant to eat at. If you are at work, let one of your colleagues decide on the formatting of the reports, or choose other people to include in the project. When you notice that nothing changes, you will be able to resist the need to make every decision and give others an opportunity.
- This might cause a pleasant surprise if you've always been bossy. He'll be happy to get a chance.
- Take a deep breath and say: "I don't know, what would you like to do?". You will find that it is not as bad as it seems.
Step 4. Be more spontaneous
Authoritarian people are usually as spontaneous as a fruit basket. Your job is to counter your habits to find a new way of living out of your routine. Accept that last minute invitation for a trip with friends. Start getting passionate about something you never would have considered useful until last week. Start singing for no reason. Do what you usually wouldn't even dream of and enjoy the air of novelty. You will soon find that you can no longer be authoritarian, because your life has become unpredictable.
- Spend more time with spontaneous people who do not plan their future and you will be able to get infected by their way of doing.
- Instead of planning every moment, try to give yourself the weekend off, you could have a lot of new experiences.
Step 5. Delegation
Another thing you can do is delegate some of your duties. If you're planning your wedding, ask a friend to help you pick the flowers and another to prepare the invitations, rather than yelling at whoever you come across. Do not burden yourself with any responsibility, share them and you will realize that it is better to delegate than to bully and authoritative with others.
This is a fundamental tool in the workplace, especially in offices. You will get results much faster if you delegate some of the work to people you trust, rather than being breathless at everyone without solving anything
Step 6. Don't make suggestions unless asked
Authoritarian people usually tend to tell people what they should do or how they should behave without anyone asking them. If a friend asks you for advice, that's one thing, but you should never suggest that he leave the girl or cut his hair if he hasn't explicitly asked you for your opinion. Be sensitive to the needs of others and only offer advice if asked or if you notice someone is in deep trouble, rather than acting like a "know it all" who believes their methods are foolproof.
You will obviously find yourself in situations where your method is the only one to be able to complete a project. Say it out loud, calmly, without creating conflict. Just start with, “I've been through this before. Can I give you a suggestion that worked for me? " in this way you will not give the air of opinion
Advice
- Sometimes just take a deep breath and count to ten. Relax, but above all think before you speak or do something.
- Being bossy doesn't make you a good boss. Look for an article on WikiHow to learn how to become one.
- Think about others. When you are in a group, you know that there are other people with you who feel affection for their work. Be patient and try to understand what they are feeling, listen to them and reflect on their ideas. Let them know that they have been listened to, even if you don't agree with them.
