Do your feelings for a girl you know well make you feel stressed? It is really difficult to live this situation with a friend. Since every relationship is unique, there is no "right" way to proceed. However, there are many things you can do to make sure you make the best decision and express your feelings without disrespecting your friend or making her feel uncomfortable.
Part 1 of 3: Elements to Consider Before Deciding
Step 1. Accept that your gesture can change your relationship forever
It's a story you've heard quite often: Someone confesses their love to their best friend only to discover that things between them are no longer the same. Telling a girl you love her forces both of you to reevaluate how you look at yourself; if the relationship you are currently in is important to you, it may not be worth the risk.
The fact that it's nearly impossible to get things back to the way they were after your statement doesn't necessarily mean you'll ruin the relationship with your best friend. However, the situation will almost certainly change. For example, if you used to go to the movies together platonically, this activity could become embarrassing
Step 2. Consider that rejection is a real possibility
It is very important not to fool yourself that if you find the courage to tell your friend what you are feeling, you will certainly live happily ever after together. This way of thinking would lead you to experience tremendous disappointment if she does not reciprocate your feelings. You don't have to be pessimistic, but you have to be realistic and remember that she has the right to decide whether to take the relationship to a higher level; you have no guarantee. If you can't stand the thought of being rejected, maybe you shouldn't do anything.
Remember that rejection doesn't always mean you're not "good enough". There are many reasons why someone might not want to date you. For example, she may not currently want a serious relationship. Or, there may be other things preventing her from having a boyfriend, such as school or work commitments that take up all of her time
Step 3. Be aware that feelings of love can change over time
Did your feelings for your friend come about suddenly, without warning? In this case, perhaps you should wait a couple of weeks or months to verify that the attraction remains. Just because you have some feelings today doesn't mean the situation won't change in the future. Don't risk a beautiful friendship by declaring your love only to discover that yours was simply a short-lived crush (or, as psychologists say, an infatuation). Below is a list of some of the cues used by professionals to spot infatuations:
- Infatuation arises almost instantly (and not gradually).
- Infatuation is powerful, but short-lived.
- Infatuation is mainly based on physical attraction.
Infatuation makes you believe that the other person is perfect or flawless.
This concept is different from believing that someone is "perfect for you", that is, a person with flaws, but that you can appreciate because you are able to compensate for them
- Being infatuated does not mean loving someone, but loving "the feeling of being in love".
Step 4. Understand that you are not alone
While it can be embarrassing to talk to friends about your deepest feelings, it is often a good idea in such a situation. Having a crush can lead to you not judging things realistically, so advice from other people can be invaluable. If you feel that most of your peers are telling you not to step forward, you should consider their words.
- Here are some people you can talk to:
- Your friends.
- Her friends (if you know them well enough); they may even be able to tell you how they feel about you.
- Siblings or relatives with whom you have a close relationship.
- A psychologist or teacher you trust.
Part 2 of 3: Prepare
Step 1. Wait for the right time
Before you tell your best friend that you love her, you should do everything you can to calm her down and make her comfortable. Choose a place and a time when you are both free from emotional stress. It's hard for everyone to make wise decisions about their love life when something else is already putting pressure on us. Here are some examples of situations in which you should avoid stepping forward:
- She needs to focus on an important event (like an exam or a play).
- She just got out of a long relationship (or still has the boyfriend - in this case, you definitely have to wait).
- He is going through difficult times in life (problems at work, school, family, etc.).
- An example of a good time is a casual going out alone on the weekend.
Step 2. Feel the ground by flirting discreetly
Leaving just hints of your intentions is a great way to gauge your chances of success, without exposing your friendship to too great a risk. If she reacts to your attempts in a lukewarm way or seems uncomfortable to you, you will understand that you need to take a step back. Read the wikiHow article on flirting for step-by-step instructions. Here are some tips you can keep in mind:
- Use loving body language. Look her in the eye and smile. Touch her arm or shoulder when she makes you laugh.
- Tease her gently when she makes mistakes. For best results, make sure you have a good sense of humor and that it is obvious that you are joking.
- Try to insert a compliment or two into the conversation. If you can do it while teasing her, even better.
- Keep your tone light and don't step forward too insistently. You may risk discovering your cards too soon or making her feel uncomfortable.
Step 3. Don't make an "appointment" yet
You'll move on to dating after you've established a romantic bond, not before. Inviting your BFF to a candlelit dinner may seem like a great idea, but you might get confused if she doesn't understand what you're trying to do (or else you might make her feel embarrassed). You will think about gifts and elegant dinners later. For now, the best strategy is to organize a more informal date.
Also, you would spend some money (maybe even a hefty sum) on something that might not work out. If you decide to save money, you can always invite another girl to go out with you if your friend doesn't reciprocate your feelings
Step 4. When you have decided to confess, take your friend to a semi-private place
It's nearly impossible to have such a conversation without strong emotions surfacing, so give her the courtesy of having some privacy. You don't have to be completely isolated, but choose a comfortable place where no one can hear what you say and you won't be interrupted.
- For example, the ideal place for this conversation is a park bench away from other people. You will be comfortable, you will hardly be interrupted and, above all, you will have a romantic view.
- Whatever you decide to do, avoid to make your statement public and spectacular. Remember that there is a good chance that she will answer with a no; in that case, attracting a crowd would be very embarrassing for both of you.
Step 5. Take a deep breath before you dive
When you are alone with your friend in a secluded and comfortable place, you have the last chance to pull back. If you still feel ready to step forward, it's time to tell her how you feel. Do your best to stay relaxed as you open your heart. Remember: it will all be over soon and even if things don't go your way, at least you will feel more peaceful.
It's normal to feel butterflies in your stomach (and many girls find nervousness in these situations adorable), but things would get really hard if you were so nervous that you couldn't speak. Read the wikiHow article on how to stay calm in stressful situations for more advice
Part 3 of 3: Taking the Big Jump
Step 1. Be honest
Don't waste your time on beating around the bush. Try to be simple and straightforward. Tell your friend how it makes you feel. The sensations you experience are unique, so follow your heart. Here are some things you can say, but feel free to use any words you like so that it sounds more authentic.
- Tell her that lately you think of her more than just a friend and that you often wonder how she feels.
- Tell her that you have been having a hard time hiding your feelings for a while and that you feel relieved that you have found the courage to confess them.
- Tell her that no matter what she feels, you appreciate her and want to have a positive relationship with her. This is basic; don't give her the impression that you're only interested in having a relationship with her if she's willing to be your girlfriend.
Step 2. Allow the world to gently reject you if she doesn't want to be with you
The conversation is likely to be awkward no matter how it develops. However, you can make the situation a lot less unpleasant for both of you if you give your friend a chance to say no without making drama. It's not as difficult as it sounds: just say it's okay if she doesn't want to hang out with you. Here are some things you can say:
- Tell her you understand perfectly if she doesn't want a relationship at the moment.
- Tell her you don't know if her current situation prevents her from dating.
- Let her know that you won't be angry if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings.
Step 3. Try to keep the conversation low-key
Expressing your emotions dramatically and excessively may seem like a good idea, but this can make the situation a lot more stressful and tense than necessary. Speak in a calm, friendly and light tone of voice. You can even use irony to play down, saying how nervous you were about stepping forward; a laugh at a strategic moment can make things a lot easier.
in most cases you should avoid the word "love". For many people, this word carries a lot of weight and can be frightening. Most relationship experts advise against declaring love before dating.
Step 4. Don't press your friend to make a decision
The choice he has to make is very important. Don't force her to give you an answer right away or she may not be able to do it truthfully. If she seems to have doubts, tell her that she can take all the time she needs to think and that you are ready to give her space until she has made up her mind.
Step 5. Listen and accept the outcome of the conversation
As you speak, ask her what she thinks; be sure to give her a chance to express her opinion and not dominate the dialogue. When he comes to a decision (soon or after a few days), listen to what he has to say. You have every right to ask her questions about how she feels, but don't question the decision itself. The choice is hers and you can only accept it.
If she doesn't love your feelings back, don't try to change her mind. This way you will look desperate. If you really love her, you should want her to be happy, even if you don't agree with her
Step 6. Prepare to give your friend space
If you have reacted positively, congratulations! Celebrate your success by planning a date with your new sweetheart. If, on the other hand, she doesn't like the idea of a romantic relationship, you need to be ready to step back in your relationship, at least for a while. You will likely experience emotions that are difficult to bear, even if she has gently and tactfully rejected you.
- Fortunately, as the saying goes, "time heals all wounds". Spending a few weeks or months away from someone who has rejected you can do you a lot of good. You will have a chance to heal, to accept the fact that you will not be together and start thinking about other possible partners.
- When you meet your best friend again, go slowly. You shouldn't immediately go back to the same level of intimacy you had before. You must be willing to work gradually until a close friendship is restored. Things will probably never be the same again, but they are unlikely to be worse.
- Can't describe what you feel? Try writing a love letter. To put your thoughts in black and white, you have all the time you want. You could even deliver the letter to your friend on the occasion of your conversation.
- You need to have this conversation in person. Don't confess your love over the phone or text. It would be difficult to show your emotions. You may be considered rude if you don't find time to meet your friend face to face.
- Experts have not found unanimous agreement on the goodness of the idea of starting a relationship with a person who is already a close friend. Some evidence shows that married couples who consider themselves best friends have a tendency to be happier. However, there are also many stories of people who have found themselves losing a friend, as well as a partner, after a relationship that has gone bad.