Many people remain married even if the relationship has deteriorated and they do so for several reasons. If you are also part of this group, you may have the feeling that you cannot be happy. However, you can find your own path to joy while being in a negative situation, respecting habits that lead you to happiness, and even striving to recover the marriage and make it fulfilling.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Learn to be Happy
Step 1. Find ways to be grateful
It's not always easy, especially in the middle of a difficult relationship; Nonetheless, gratitude can help you deal with bad relationships and make you happier.
- Take time each day to figure out the things you should be grateful for. Try to write down some of them daily in a diary; You can also use social media posts for this purpose. Generally, even in bad situations, you can find some reason why you need to be grateful.
- For example, you may not like the way you are treated in the relationship you are in, but you may be grateful that you have financial stability in your current life. Alternatively, you may be grateful that your spouse is still a good parent to your children.
Step 2. Engage in flow experiences
These are times when you are completely engrossed in certain activities. If you are an artist, a writer or even a runner, you can already understand what kind of experience it is. This is the moment when the world around you no longer exists, you are completely immersed in the experience you are carrying out and you immensely enjoy what you are doing. Studies have found that the more moments you have, the happier you are in general.
Choose an activity that has a little challenge, but that you are comfortable enough with, so that you can "get lost" in it. For example, if you like painting landscapes, you can try drawing a new subject, such as a portrait or a fruit basket
Step 3. Stop fighting the same battles
This means that if you find yourself discussing the same topics over and over, it may be time to stop addressing them. You have to decide that you don't want to talk about it anymore because you and your partner don't agree or you have to find a compromise that satisfies both of you.
For example, if you tend to argue about politics, you might decide that this becomes a topic that shouldn't be addressed anymore. Or, if you often argue about which movie to go to the cinema on a Friday night, you can decide to take turns choosing
Step 4. Develop your individual interests
If your marriage is not exactly what you wanted it to be, it may be time to find some satisfaction outside of the relationship that is not a romantic relationship. Having your own personal hobbies and interests can help you feel independent, keeping you happy and engaged in the outside world. To be sure, developing personal interests is also a great idea when you're in a fulfilling marriage.
Consider cultivating new interests in the library, joining a local group, and taking a cooking class or taking classes at a nearby university
Step 5. Try volunteering
Feeling useful and developing positive connections with other people is a great way to feel happy. You may feel more satisfied precisely because volunteering gives meaning to the days and allows you to interact with other people who share your interests.
Look for an organization that addresses the issues you want to contribute to, such as animal advocacy or the food bank, and work towards becoming a volunteer. You can also ask your spouse if they would like to join with you; this could be a great way to build a stronger bond between you
Step 6. Develop a social life
Many studies claim that social relationships are the key to happiness. If your main relationship is unhappy, you probably can't figure out how to change your situation. However, your spouse doesn't necessarily have to be your main source of socialization, you can have great, satisfying relationships with friends, as well as with other family members.
- Go out for dinner with friends one night a week or spend a day with a brother or cousin to shop together.
- If you don't have many friends, try hanging out with more people who share your interests. For example, you can join a group of bowling fans, sign up for an art class, or find a knitting club.
Method 2 of 3: Committing to Better Marriage
Step 1. Take some time to be together
Spending time with your partner is one way to communicate mutual commitment. Try to spend a lot of time with your spouse each week and stick to this habit; it is also a way to get to know yourself better.
Step 2. Remember what you liked about your partner
When you initially dated him you were probably attracted to his characteristics different from yours; for example, maybe you liked his impulsive nature and the fact that he loved being spontaneous, but now you may even hate these qualities. The key is to try to remember why you once valued these traits and to try to love them again.
For example, it may drive you crazy when your spouse wants to drop everything and go to the mountains. On the other hand, this impulsiveness allows you not to get too bored; try to keep a balance and enjoy what you can
Step 3. Talk about the positives and difficulties
It is important to know what works in your relationship and what has become complicated between you. You can also make a list of all the strengths and issues of the relationship. Make sure you also include issues that you generally don't want to talk about on the list, lest they cause a fight.
- Find a time to talk about these things when you are both calm and focused; avoid addressing the subject at the end of a long tiring day or on other particularly stressful occasions.
- Speak in the first person, saying "I" instead of "you". In other words, talk about how you feel and what you think is wrong with your relationship, without blaming the other party. For example, it's better to say "I get angry when we don't spend enough time together" rather than "You're never there." In the latter case, the partner would become defensive, while in the former case you could start an open discussion.
- Spend moments to talk and listen to yourself. This means that you don't just have to let off steam by saying what's wrong with you, but you also have to work hard to hear what your spouse has to tell you. Make it clear that you are present and attentive to the discussion by summarizing what they said and asking questions that are relevant to the topic at hand.
Step 4. Commit to finding solutions
Once you understand together what problems you are experiencing as a couple, you should work to find ways to overcome them. You may also need to tap into your strengths to try to develop solutions to your marriage problems.
To find compromises, you should talk about your needs, to help both of you prioritize each other. In other words, to find agreements you have to allow the partner to "win" when he wants to satisfy his needs, overshadowing yours, if they are conflicting. The same thing is valid for the other party
Step 5. Consider seeing a marriage counselor
Sometimes, the intervention of a professional figure is necessary to deal with the problems of the couple. The marriage counselor is able to solve many more relationship difficulties than you can imagine; in fact, about half of the couples who turn to this professional say that he was able to help them solve the main marriage problems.
Method 3 of 3: Evaluate the Alternatives
Step 1. Experience legal separation
This solution offers time to be away from your spouse and may be needed to resolve problems. It is a different procedure from divorce, because the marriage is still valid; However, it offers the advantage of finding a legal way to manage custody and support of children while you are separated, as well as the protection of their respective properties. However, if you manage to solve the couple's problems, the separation procedure is reversible, thus allowing you to get back together and continue the marriage.
Step 2. Know that divorce can be a better solution
While this is a life-disrupting event, maintaining an unhealthy relationship can be detrimental to self-esteem and mental health. Some studies have found that it is better to get out of a deteriorated relationship and work towards improving one's mental health, rather than maintaining it.
Keep in mind that an unhappy marriage can lead to depression. A study involving couples of 5,000 adults showed that the quality of the most important relationship is a good predictor of depression; this means that if one of your closest relationships, including marriage, is worn out, you are more likely to develop depression
Step 3. Evaluate the reasons for the divorce
You may find that you have very good reasons to ask. If you are not happy living such a relationship, you may perhaps be happier once you are away from your partner.
- You can consider this solution if the spouse is in another relationship; although some couples manage to overcome a betrayal, others never manage to "metabolize" it. If you find that you cannot forgive your partner for what they have done even after months or even years, you should consider getting a divorce.
- You have grown up differently. Sometimes, when you become an adult as a couple, you can take different paths. If you find that you no longer agree on a lot of things because you feel too different, the best thing to do is get a divorce.
- The partner may be managing finances badly and not wanting to change their approach. It certainly happens to everyone to make bad economic choices at times. However, if your partner is such a careless steward that it causes stress in the relationship or even financially wrecks the family, you may consider divorcing, especially if you have already expressed your fears, but the spouse does nothing to change.
- Think about the children. Many married but unhappy couples stay together for their children. Divorce can be traumatic for them, but it is also true that it can be just as difficult to live with two unhappy parents; children become aware of your moods and, if you fight constantly, they still get stressed.
