Maybe you have been unhappy in your marriage for years and are thinking about divorce. Maybe the only thing that still keeps the relationship with your husband going is the sense of guilt that you would try to divide the family. But after thinking about it for a long time (and maybe after the counseling) you have decided: it's time to tell your husband that you want a divorce. It will certainly be a difficult conversation, but it can be done clearly and effectively.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Prepare to Tell Your Husband
Step 1. Think about the reasons why you want to get a divorce
Often during a heated discussion, anger and frustration lead us to threaten divorce in order to have power and control over the other person and to make our requests for changes taken seriously.
- Remember that divorce is an important mental, emotional, and financial decision. You need to be willing to break a strong emotional bond with your partner, so your decision needs to be clear and rational.
- Ask yourself: "What am I looking for when I ask for a divorce?". Any response that is not simply "the end of the marriage" indicates that you are not ready to get a divorce. Divorce does not help justice or change people's hearts. It can only end the marriage and the relationship with your husband.
- Remember that constantly threatening divorce can cause you to lose credibility in your own eyes and those of your partner. So if you really want to get a divorce you will need to tell your husband clearly and appropriately.
Step 2. Try not to catch your husband off guard
In most cases, both spouses know that there is something wrong with the marriage. Maybe you have had long discussions on the subject, you have had couples therapy or individual counseling sessions. If possible, try counseling or therapy before discussing divorce.
If the feelings are shared, you and your husband will see new possibilities open up before you. If, on the other hand, he does not expect it at all, the conversation can take a disastrous turn. Taking your husband by surprise can also lead to a more difficult transition phase for both of you during the breakup
Step 3. Review what you are going to say
The conversation is very likely going to be very difficult, so it's best to be prepared: write down a few things you think it's right to say when talking about the divorce to your husband.
- Remember that you are the bearer of bad news and the situation could evoke strong emotions. Write a few sentences with calm words and a calm tone.
- Make a commitment to speak in a neutral way. Use the first person, as in this example: “Michele, I have to tell you something bad. I have decided that we have to get a divorce”.
- Don't give your husband false hope if you really want to get a divorce. Saying "I haven't been happy for a long time, but I want to see if we can fix some of the things that make me feel bad" will give your husband the impression that you want to save the marriage. If this is not what you intend to do, avoid saying such phrases.
Step 4. Find a quiet, private place
Choose a time of day when you are alone, when no one can interrupt you. Find a place that is reasonably quiet and comfortable, like the living room.
Turn off your cell phone and ask your husband to do the same. If you have children, ask a family member to keep them for as long as necessary
Step 5. If you are concerned for your safety, speak in the presence of another person
This may be necessary if the divorce is caused by aggressive or violent behavior on the part of your husband. If this is the case, it is useful to have a third party in the room, for example a therapist or a consultant, or it is advisable that the conversation take place in a public place.
- You can't control your husband's reaction to the news. However, if there have been episodes of violence or abuse in your marriage, make sure that there is at least one other person in the room besides the two of you.
- You can also communicate by phone if you fear for your safety and don't want him to be in front of you when you tell him about the divorce.
Part 2 of 3: Tell your Husband
Step 1. Be calm, kind and direct
Put all the sweetness you would use to tell him about the death of a loved one into the conversation. Speak directly, but also show compassion.
Being respectful during the conversation will allow you to talk about practicalities, such as child custody and division of property
Step 2. Maintain a neutral tone during the conversation and speak in the first person
Don't try to imagine your husband's feelings towards marriage. Instead, think about your feelings, avoiding blaming him for the situation.
For example, you can say, "I know how hard it must be to hear that, but I think our marriage has come to an end and I want to get a divorce," or, "We've both tried, but it doesn't work anymore. I believe we can save things by doing counseling or therapy. I think the marriage is over and we have to get a divorce”
Step 3. Expect an angry response
Even if your husband knows there are problems in your marriage, he is likely to get angry when you tell him you want to get a divorce. It is important, however, not to try to respond in kind, to defend yourself or to justify your choice.
- For example, he might reply: “This is another example of how you always try to shirk your responsibilities. You are selfish and you only think about yourself. I gave you everything I had to give. I have worked so hard to build our family and our home. I don't deserve it and not even the children deserve it”.
- Avoid answers like: “Don't be moral! I'm leaving because I can't take your childish bullshit anymore. I am sick of living here and I can no longer live without sex or affection. I tried to make things work but you ignore me every time I ask you to change”. Words like that can make you feel good for a couple of minutes, but in the end they will only cause terrible fights.
- Instead, respond with phrases like: “I know it's tough and I'm sorry to do this to you, but I see no alternative. I don't have those feelings necessary to save marriage and there is an unbridgeable distance between us now”.
- This response is preferable because you are not defensive or full of anger. You simply show your husband that you believe you made the right choice and that this decision is not due to self-defense. You also show him that you know that getting angry and defensive will only lead to even more anger and pain between you.
Step 4. Investigate the possibility of a trial separation
Once the initial anger subsides, your husband may try to negotiate the terms of the separation. He may ask for a probationary separation, which is a period in which you separate but remain legally married. It may also ask you to try counseling or therapy again. Be prepared for these kinds of requests, especially if the thought of divorce upsets him.
If you really want to get a divorce, be firm. You reply: “I don't think a trial separation is the right choice. We have already tried to fix the marriage, at this point I don't think there is anything else to do"
Step 5. Avoid discussing the details of the divorce right away
The initial conversation with your husband is sure to have a strong emotional charge. So it's best to avoid rushing and get specific when you tell your husband that you want to end the relationship.
Reassure him by telling him that you are willing to work with him for a just and civil separation and that you will be looking for a lawyer who can help you find the best solutions for both of you
Step 6. Give your husband time to digest the news
You certainly can't wait to face the future and get into the details of the divorce right now. Despite this, if necessary, give your husband time to reflect on what you have said.
- Recognize that divorce will lead to big changes for both of you. Then let him know that you will go to a relative or friend for a few days or that, on the contrary, it is better for him to go and stay somewhere else to be able to digest it.
- For example, you can say, “Thank you for listening to me, I'm so grateful. I know what I have told you is difficult to manage, so take your time to think about it”.
Step 7. Decide on your accommodation
It is a great idea to decide if you will stay in the house where you live or if you will go elsewhere. Reaching an accommodation agreement will also help you adapt to this big change. Remind your husband that settlement issues are temporary until the divorce is finalized.
Step 8. Talk to your children about divorce, if you have any
By mutual agreement with your husband, you need to decide the right time and place to break the news to the children. You can all sit down together to discuss in the living room after dinner and explain the details to him.
- Tell the truth. Children have a right to know the reasons for the divorce, but don't go into too much detail, otherwise you could get them confused. Together with your husband, say something simple and honest like "We don't get along anymore." It may be necessary to remind children that even if sometimes parents and children do not get along, the love towards them cannot end. In general, younger children need less details, but if they are older you will need to give them more information.
- Say "I love you". As simplistic as it may seem, letting children know that your love for them hasn't changed is a strong message. Explain that you will continue to take care of them as always, making breakfast, helping with homework, and that you and their dad will always be there.
- Talk about the changes that will take place. Before children even ask you what will change in their lives, admit that some things will be different while others will remain as they are. Explain that together you can address each issue as it arises.
- Avoid placing the blame on your husband. Don't criticize him or his actions in front of children. Before talking to them, agree on how to form a united front and make sure you present the same reasons to the children. Explain to them the current housing situation and what will happen in the future.
Step 9. Keep your distance
You may be tempted to comfort your husband with practical affectionate gestures, but it's important not to fall back into your marriage habits. Being physically or emotionally close to him can give mixed signals or hurt him even more. Keeping your distance also shows that you mean business when it comes to divorce.
Step 10. If your husband is abusive, take the children away with you
Don't hesitate to do this if your husband threatens to take your children away from you. A judge will likely be more understanding of you if you take them away from a situation made potentially dangerous by your husband.
- You need to give your husband as few weapons as possible if he shows he wants to control you, and keeping children away from him is one way to do that.
- You can ask a friend for help in leaving home and away from your husband.
Step 11. If you fear for your safety, get a restraining order
If you want to divorce an abusive husband, it's important to have a way to protect yourself and your children (if you have any) in mind. A restraining order is a legal method of putting distance between you and your husband. It might be helpful to get it before you tell him you want a divorce, or when you and the kids are away from him, in a safe place.
The 24 hours following the release of the restraining order are the most dangerous for a woman who has suffered abuse. If you do not feel safe and decide to proceed with the restraining order, ask the police if they can pass by your house. You can also contact a women's shelter in your area and see if they have a place to house you until the matter is resolved
Part 3 of 3: Practicing Divorce
Step 1. Find a lawyer
A collaborative approach to divorce will make everything much easier. Also, if you and your husband can resolve issues without involving justice, you will face less cost.
- If you can't avoid involving a lawyer, be sure to choose one who is willing to represent you before a judge. The lawyer should know the importance of resolving the divorce issue as quickly as possible, but should also be ready to defend you in court in the event that a quick resolution is not possible.
- Talk to at least three lawyers before deciding which one is right for you. Look for a divorce lawyer with at least 5-10 years of experience in the field of family law.
Step 2. Gather information about your financial situation
You will need an accurate picture of your finances, as an equitable distribution of assets and marital debts is one of the main goals of divorce. Knowing all your and your husband's credits and debts well is essential for the division to be fair:
- Make a list of all the assets that belong to you partially or entirely. Some common goods are evident. The marital residence, all financial accounts and vehicles are assets to be shared equally. Other possible assets are works of art, pension plans, inheritances or possessions owned prior to marriage.
- Obtain all the documents relating to each asset, including those certifying its current value, date and place of purchase, and whether the purchase was made with shared or separate funds. Bring all the documents to the lawyer and keep a copy for yourself.
- Determine the debts incurred during the marriage. The name of the person who contracted it does not matter: the marital debt is divided according to the financial capacity of each person to repay it. The simplest way to establish marital debts is through a solvency report. Also make this document available to the lawyer.
- Determine your income. If you and your husband are employed, give the lawyer a copy of the most recent pay slip and tax return.
Step 3. Prepare a budget for the post-divorce phase
It is important to get an idea of how you will live once the divorce is final.
- Think about your expenses and how much income you will have at your disposal after the divorce. Some women experience a sharp decline in income after a breakup. By creating a budget you will avoid incurring expenses that you cannot cope with.
- Understanding what expenses you will face after the separation will also influence the negotiations on the divorce agreement. Your lawyer can use that information to arrive at various options for the settlement or an amount to be requested in court if necessary.
